meh

just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

family

i wish i could say family was important to me. i envy those around me who are close with their families. its the one thing i would change about my life if i could. because the only person i would ever take a bullet for is my moms.

i have reoccurring dreams and thoughts about my moms dying. the same thing happens in everyone. my moms dies, i don't go to the funeral because i they scare me, i continue on with my daily life as if nothing has happened, and then one day it finally hits me. SHES GONE. i dread the day that this happens, because i know i won't be able to handle it. i hated my moms for so long that i'm trying to make up for it now.

i'm the middle of three boys. i'm 19, my oldest brother is 21, and my younger brother is 14. they're so alike that i can't help but be jealous of their bond. i've always felt like the odd man out in my family and being so quiet as a child didn't help. i also have two other siblings that i've never met. my sister's name is brandy and she's ten, and then i have an even younger brother. i don't know his name. i don't know his age. and i shouldn't even know he exists, but i do. i still haven't figured out how i wanna feel towards them. its complicated.

my oldest brother knows i'm bisexual. i've never told him. he's never told me. but he knows, and i know he knows, yet we've never taked about this and because of that there's always an elephant in the room when we're around each other. and because of this elephant we haven't had a conversation more than five minutes since i was fourteen. and i'm just starting to realise that i do care that we haven't. i miss my older brother. i miss building forts together. i miss playing freeze tag. i even miss dressing up like each other and everyone thinking we're twins. i miss the good times.

but i don't miss my dad. since i was old enough to realize that my dad sucks at being a father i've promised myself that i would never end up like him. i didn't play sports. i didn't jrotc. and instead i did the opposite of what he wanted from me. from the age of 12 to 16 my whole life was devoted to becoming a disappointment to my father. don't ask me why i just didn't want to be anything like him. so everytime someone said i looked like my father it hurt, i din't wanna look like him, i didn't wanna be compared to him. i just feel like i missed out on something because he was never there for me when i needed him. i taught myself how to ride a bike. i taught myself how to drive a car. i taught myself how to tie a tie. and i still don't know what the big deal is with the birds and the bees. i just wish he was there......but he wasn't.

currently listening to: A Capella(Something's Missing) by Brandy

am i ready

i don't think i'm ready. i don't think i'll ever be ready to just pick up and move. i say otis is the reason i'm trying my hardest to get to cali, but its not. otis is just an excuse to finally leave georgia sooner, rather than later. cali is an escape for me, a way out. but i still don't think its gonna happen. i feel like something is gonna happen and i'll be stuck in georgia for another three years, and in a way i think i would be okay with that. maybe i'm over thinking it, maybe i'm just too pessimistic, or maybe i just don't have faith that if i want soomething bad enough it will all work out in the end.....right?

i still haven't withdrawn from uga, i still haven't canceled my housing contract, and i registered for all my classes for the fall. just incase life wants to fuck me in the ass again.

i'm okay with being content. i'm content with where i am right now. i have great friends in athens, and few who don't live in athens. so why give all that up on the faith that i'm gonna have this crazy, fun, life changing experience in cali when there's nothing wrong with where i'm at now. am i happy? sometimes i am, but mostly i'm just content. i'm okay with settling for less, that doesn't bother me even though it should. people say they deserve things. i say i deserve things, but the reality is we don 't. I DON'T. i only deserve what i work my ass off to attain, so what happens when i do that and i still don't attain it?

was i foolish for thinking it was even possible? should i have worked harder that one day when i decided to sleep in? but what if i did my best every fucking second of the day, and i still didn't get it, what then?

people say its better to have loved, than to never have loved at all, but is that really true. i've loved before and it feels great to feel loved. to feel wanted. to feel needed, but when all that disappears it fuckin sucks. you feel like shit. you lose all motivation. you feel like a part of you has died. and everyone around you tells you to get over it and to move on. well this is how i feel everytime i set a goal for myself or i ask for something as simple as a lava lamp and i fail to reach my goal or i don't receive that lava lamp. and at some point i just decided to stop trying. i lost motivation. i was just...meh, and i don't want to be meh anymore. meh really sucks when you're alone aand you have an overactive imagination that gets bursts of creativity late at night and you don't sleep.

i want to feel ALIVE again. and there are three things that make me feel ALIVE. one. two. three. and at the moment i only have one.

currently listening to: How to Be A Lady, Vol. I by Electrik Red

sobriety

so i guess i'm back. what was that two days of giving up on blogging? i mean i'm sure half of you knew what was coming next, but yeah this is it. this is the new and improved southern inebriation. same ol J, same url, just a new simpler layout. and more thoughtful posts, hopefully.

i deleted the old blog because i just wanted a fresh start. i still have all the posts and ill probably rehash some of the old stuff, but will be more open about it this time around.

but yeah, this is all for the first post.

-jamal

p.s. thats my name, like the one thats on my birth certificate only its not spelled like that but thats a whole story for another day. oh yeah, i'm named after theo from the cosby show

currently listening to: Devotion by Electrik Red

love

some people tell me i say love too quickly. use the word like i give out my name. im easy, and maybe sometimes im too easy when i give out my love. but no matter what, everytime i say the word love i mean it. and if you say it back to me, then i will take it at face value and believe that you mean it too.

some people take love too seriously. they wait their whole life waiting for that special person to share their love with. they miss out on a good thing because they're too caught up with their 'love' that they don't see that the bes thing for them is right in front of them. maybe they're afraid to say the word because they feel they don't know the person well enough to truly say they love them, but i don't have that problem.

love for me is not that big of a deal. yes i want love, i want to feel loved, i want to be loved, but if i don't love myself then none of this matters. do i love myself? yes, but at times i don't and i hate myself for that.

some people tell me that i say the word love too loosely. that i couldn't possibly love someone because i dont know all the faucets of their personality. that i oculdn't possibly love someone because ive never met them. that i couldn't possibly love someone because i've only known them for a day. but to all o them i just say fuck that. i know if i like someone within five minutes of talking to them. whether thats a good or bad thing i don't know, but its served me right these last nineteen years of my inebriated life.

some people say my biggest fault is i let people in too easily, that i give my love away before i demand my respect. but thats just how i am. if i say i love you then i mean it. it doesn't mean i'm in love with you, it just means i love you and maybe i could be in love with you. it means theres something about you that i want to get to know. you're a great person and im glad to have you in my life.

is love real? have i ever been in love? do i even know what love is?

to some people it is. to some people im foolish for believing i have. and to some people i'll never know. but to me the answer is yes.

todays the day

Today has been a weird day to say the least. I won't even try to put it into complete thoughts, I'll just list what happened.

Somehow I got a job today. I don't know how it happened, but I did. Its kinda sketchy, but its good money. So looks like I'll be either cleaning carpets or showing people how to clean their carpets. I'm not exactly sure which, like I said the job sounds sketchy, but I'm trying to get a job at the Post Office. That way I can just transfer to a place in cali.

My mom is going to kill me. When I'm around her I get uneasy and can feel my body get tense. She's kinda bipolar. So are my two brothers, I'm the only one whose remotely sane. They can all go from being happy go lucky to just fits of anger in a second. So yeah, my mom is gonna end up killing me from aggravation and all the random screaming she does to me.

My mom also tried to bribe me with alcohol today. We were leaving the doctors office and she told me if I didn't go to cali she'd buy me some margaritas Saturday when we go walking down Riverstreet. Five minutes later she realized I was 19 and not 21.

I'm gonna kill my mom. During one of our screaming matches this morning she basically told me I'm gonna make her have a heart attack. Maybe if she stopped yelling at me so much, I'd actually want to stay.

I went to the doctor today. They stabbed me in my arm and took some of my B+ blood. It hurt. Now I have to look at this cotton swab and band aid all day. Sucks to be me.

On our way from the doctors office and after all the "please dont go to cali" talk my mom said something shocking to me. She told me when I go to cali to make sure I find some mixed, asian, mexican girl and make sure I get her pregnant, because she wants to have a pretty biracial baby. This is good news to me being that I plan to bring home a mexican guy. Because my whole life she's been trying to get me with random black girls she deemed "cute" but always looked at me with disapproving eyes when I would end up with the white girl from the other side of town. So maybe she's turning around now.

Oh yeah, I also found out that I use to live in the Bay when I was younger and Vallejo.

currently listening to:nothing, i'm too busy thinking

the ghetto

Okay, so I'm really bored right now and its poring down raining outside. My mom almost lost my car to a flooded road, then she tried to kill me by leaving the gas stove on while I sleep, and now the ceiling is leaking what I can only assume its water, though my third sense is telling me its probably hydrochloric acid. But maybe I'm just paranoid. But even with this rampant paranoia I still had time to put my creativity to good use, and decided to share with the world my newest project with my OB, and a few guys that I like, and one I'm still on the fence about. I bring to you the Ghetto, dun dun dun.

Basically its another reality tv show in the vein of the Hills, Laguna Beach, the City, and Baldwin Hills. But there won't be any fake drama, unless thats what you guys want to see and in that case there will be loads of drama. The show will revolve around me, J, as I make the move from the countryness that is Georgia to the big city life of LA as I move in with the love of my life, the only problem is we're the total opposite and you guys get to watch as everyone around us tries to tear us apart. Sounds like great tv right, now here are the main characters.

J, the loveable hero, star, and eloquent whore of the show. Leaves behind everything he knows so he can chase after his dream. He leaves behind the old J and decides to start anew. His main goal now is to become the next big thing in the art and entertainment world, and become a respectable young man. But is it all in vain, is Shots worth all of this? How will the Ghetto treat such a young and naive boy?

Shots, the happy go lucky, asian sex bomb. Is finally out to the world and doesn't know if he wants to be tied down at the moment. He's the only castmate with a real job that is featured on the show. He's a counselor where he does more than just counsel his patients and co-workers. Good guy on the outside, but really just a slut. Will he be able to hold on to the best thing thats happen to him or give it all up for a few nights of fun?

x!, is the mysterious writer who doesn't really write. He's the token Mexican on the show, but we find out he's not actually Mexican but is really Jewish. He's always there for J whenever he needs someone to talk to, and is an all around nice guy.

Mark, is another friend that J makes at art school. J and Mark have loads in common, but doesn't become apart of the show until season two when all hell breaks loose and everyone is fighting to gain a spot in J's heart. During season one he's just a background character and doubles as a prop. Be on the lookout, because that lamp or that bench that you think is winking at you might just be.

And then there's Motel, or MSB as some may know him. In season one he plays the housekeeper named Jose. Well in season one Jose is quickly killed off, but comes back as Motel in season two as a love interest for shots.

So yeah, thats basically the premise of the show at the moment. Sounds pretty good. Stay tuned for more drama and the lolz of the Ghetto.

currently listening to:Battlefield-Jordin Sparks

somebody's conceited

Let's not forget that I'm the sweet ass bitch that introduced u and Rick to each other.

Some random blogger wanted me to point out that he introduced me to a certain guy named Rick. I won't say who that blogger is, but if you read the comments, then its easy to figure out. Thank you OB for the introduction.

currently listening to:Sandcastle Disco-Solange

when love takes over

The best three minutes and nine seconds of my day. Be happy, its not a breakup song, its one of those feel good, i think im in love, this cant be, just let it happen type of songs. Let the healing begin.

realized

Just had a realization, well two actually. One, I use the word realized way too much, just shows how limited my vocabulary is. I find new words and I use them until I forget them. Trachea, jugular, inebriated, eloquent, fruition. All were words of the week, and all have been butchered by me. Anyone have a new word to replace realize, because its a really hard word to spell and I always have to take out the "s" and replace it with a "z" and if you know me I'm just too lazy to be doing that. But I'm really not lazy, just everyone else seems to think I am. *side eye

Two, I've been listening to a lot of sad/breakup type music this week. My first music post was also a breakup song. And then my last one was also. Both songs were about Rick, but it took me a few days to realize this. Blame It On Me, was when I first heard the news and I guess I wanted to beat myself up for it, so I was like fuck it. Blame me. But now I know it wasn't just me, and we both needed this separation.

But things are looking up. Kinda, I'm slowly breaking away from my sad music, but maybe not. I fell asleep to a mix of "Chasing Lights," Maxwell's "Pretty Wings," the Saturdays "Issues," "Blame It On Me," and Ciara's "I Don't Remember" so maybe that wasn't the happiest music, but it was all soothing and I had a great night of sleep. And thanks to S I discovered the Fray. The second album is better than the first in my opinion, but someone says my music taste sucks and is contradictive. So meh.

p.s. spell check is saying contradictive is not a word, so I guess I just created a new word. yay me!

currently listening to:Syndicate-the Fray

soundtrack of my life-chasimg lights

I guess this is where I tell why the song means something to me. So bear with me. British music has never been something I've actively seeked out. There are a few that catch my ear, but they've all been more on the r&b/soulful side of Brtish music. The pop stars were never really my thing. S Club 7, yes, but I was seven then and they had a tv show so they were the only ones I fucked with. And maybe Spice Girls, but again I was seven, and they had a movie, and the girl I liked was in love with them. This same girl was also in love with Britney Spears, so you have her to blame for that. Her name was Brooke, and she had the most beautiful long brown hair, but this post isn't about her its about the Saturdays and Rick.

"Chasing Lights" by the Saturdays made me realize that maybe it is over between me and Rick. The past two weeks have been rough between us to say the least School let out, so we no longer saw each other everyday. I came to Savannah, and Rick went to Florida. Somethings happened, and basically Rick plans to move back to Mexico with his father for a year, and then continue with college next year.

Apart of me feels like maybe this is my fault. This is Rick's way of saying goodbye to me, before I say goodbye to him first. Either way I didn't think this would be the last chapter of me and Rick. Our relationship is hard to really explain. It came out of nowhere, and we both dived head first into it. I love dthis kid, and he loved me, no matter what anyone else says. What we had was real, and we fought for it everyday.

No matter how hard we tried to get away from each other we always ended up in each others arms. I got into my first fight because of this guy. I got in a fight over a guy. Thats one of the things I always told myself I would never do. I've seen so many of my friends get in fights over guys and I saw how stupid it looked, but there I was waging a war with one guy for Rick. No matter how much I told myself, and everyone else that I didn't want this guy, I did and in the end I got Rick back. There's so much shit that went down that I couldn't fit it in this one post, but a few people know what happened.

And thats why it hurts to finally realize that this is goodbye. I've been listening to this song for the past thirty minutes and it made me understand that Rick is gone. J and Rick are no more, and I guess I'm going to be okay with this. The time Rick and I spent together was always special, and I'll take those memories with me, but its time to finally say goodbye to Rick. To really let him go. Because we've said goodbye so many times, but we were still attached. We still did what we always did, but this time it has to be different. I can't hope that he's gonna tell me he's not going, I can't hope that he's gonna show up on my doorstep and tell me he's gonna be here tomorrow, I have to let him go. And he has to let me go.

So this is for Rick. And if you're reading this then just know you'll always have a spot in my heart. I love you kid. But we both have to move on.

I've been doing this my way, your way, our way, I can't make it work
When all I have is not enough
I've been doing all I can, my plan, your plan and all I get is hurt
This game we're playing has to stop

I've got you stuck in my head
And all you do is breaking me, I can't continue taking this
I've tried my best to understand
But I cannot make sense of you, I've got to take a stand and baby

Having technical difficulties, so until I can find a new way to embed he song here's the youtube clip.



curently listening to:Chasing Lights-the Saturdays

need some help

So life has kinda come to a standstill this last week. The guy I was talking to, Rick, just dropped a bomb on me and it looks like our time will be coming to an end sooner rather than later. My whole cali situation is working out for the best, and even if I don't get housing, I plan on finding some cheap apartment in the area. I still haven't found a job, but I have an interview next wekk, so things are looking up.

But I still need help with my blogging project I want to do. So far I have a few guys that I know that wan to do it, but if anyone else would like to contribute that would be great. Also I still need a name. A few names have been thrown around, but nothing that makes me go...damn. Also what topics would you like to see addressed.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

idea

Okay bear with me for a second. I've always wanted to do a blog with someone else, and there was a forum a while back but I don't really know what happend to it. I kinda stopped checking it out after a few weeks. But I have an idea and wondering if anyone else would be interested in it.

Basically it would be me and maybe four other bloggers and each week there will be a random topic. And each blogger would post a response to the topic. Topics would range from just random stupid shit, to serious topics. I really want to do this and I think it could be kinda fun to hear everyones opinions of a given topic and see how they're similar or different.

So if you're interested in helping me with this just either leave a comment here, email me, or hit me up on MSN.

southern.inebriation@live.com

currently listening to:Lust For Life(chopped & screwed)-Drake

site maintenance

This is basically a filler post, maybe I'll knock out a real post later. New layout. I like it, and will probably keep it until school starts up in August. Maybe by then I'll have an official look for the blog that I'm happy with. I added some things to my list. I'll probably start putting up some of the art I've done in the past, and some of the sketches I've been doing this week. Also follow me on twitter. I only have 17 followers and thats just sad. My ego is really taking a hit because of that, lol. I've added a navigation bar to the site, it contains links to the list, important people, ways to contact me, and info on why I started the blog. And I'll add the link to my work as soon as I figure out how I wanna handle that. But until then I'm out.



Currently listening to this track by Jump Smokers, My Flow So Tight. Its a diss at Chris Brown, but with that aside its really a great song. Not what I usually listen to, but it made me get up and dance. And as a result my moms and brother pointed and laughed their asses off at me. But oh well, the song is that infectious. So give it a listen.

soundtrack of my life-blame it on me

Blame it on me
Say its my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I aint crying no more
Say I'm a liar a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

Something I've been trying to do since the inception of southern inebriation back in October, was share my love of music. Music has always been apart of my life. I can remember when me, my brother, and four of my cousins started our own little group. We all had our own song that we would be the lead singer, and mine just happened to be Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone." Talk about a kid that was really feeling a song even though I was only four or five. That was my song and that was my time to shine.

Flash forward fifteen years and I still get that way about a few songs and right now that honor belings to Chrisette Michele's "Blame It On Me." How in the world I slept on her first album, I do not know,but her newest album Epiphany is truly one of the best R&B albums out, and at only 2.99 its a steal. But "Blame It On Me" is probably the standout song for me.

In my opinion its one of the best breakup songs of all time. There's just something about the lyrics and the way that she delivers them that just connects with me on a deeper level. So if you're not too busy take the time to listen to it.




And thanks to gay+teen+sydney because without him I wouldn't know how to embed themusic.

letter to shots

Dear Shots,

There's really no words I can write that could describe how I feel about you. You're my OB. You're my best friend. You're my boo bear. And even though I've never met you that doesn't change a thing for me. I love you kid, and you will always have a place in my heart. You're fuckin [insert your first and last name] and I'm J. If you let anyone tell it we shouldn't relate to each other, yet for some reason we just click. I've grown into a person I'm proud to be. I've never been so comfortable in my skin and you're a big reason for this.

You set the standards for how I want to live my life. You're rational, logical, and you think things through. All things I need to learn to do, and you call me on my bullshit. There are times when I just hate your fuckin guts, where I just want to stab you in your trachea, where you just frustrate the hell out of me, but the people you care about the most are the ones you get upset with over silly things. And if thats true then I must really care about you.

We've had our differences. I've probably argued with you more than any other blogger. And I know we've ended this friendship more than once, and half the times I don;t know why it happened. But we always end up friends again, and its never uncomfortable. We just fall back into our designated roles. I'm the slut. You're the whore. I'm the dirty one. You're the innocent one. But it works. Our roles are slowly changing now, but I;m okay with that, but you've got some big shoes to feel to live up to the epicness of me in my prime. A size 16 to be exact.

But what I really want to say thank you for is for never giving up on me. No matter how hard I tried to push you away you were always there. You've always pushed me to do better even if I didn't think it was possible. If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't even have applied to Otis for the Fall, but I'm glad I did. And when I was on the verge of giving up you basically said all the things I didn't want to hear. But I needed to hear them, and I'm glad yoou did. I love you shots and I'd be lost without you.

Even though you're leaving me for Hong Kong I can't be mad at you. Do I want you to go, hell no, especially if I'm gonna be in LA for school. I have a list of things we're suppose to do. You were supose to take me to my first gay club, you're suppose to pick me up from the airport where I'll procede to kick you in your balls for being an ass to me, you're suppose to take me to Chinatown, you're suppose to cook me some curry and feed my first sushi, you're suppose to come with me to underwear night at the club. So who am I gonna do all these things with now. I don't want you to go, but I know just like LA is my dream, Hong Kong is yours. Will I be sad, yes, but I'll also be happy because we'll both be doing what we've always wanted to do.

So I guess this is my goodbye. Goodbye to all the noonsense. A goodbye to all the silly fights we've had. But a hello to everything thats coming our way. So here's to the future. I love you kid and I can't wait til the day we finally meet. I feel sorry for whoever you're with at the moment, cause I'm gonna need atleast a week of nonstop u-me time. I refuse to settle for less. Cause you taught me that, I'm J, and I deserve the best. I should be treated like a King too. :P

So yeah, I guess this is it. Hope it wasn't to sappy.

Love,
J
currently listening to:Call the Shots-Girls Aloud

im easy like that

J says:
ok
i read your comment
about the mothers day card

Aek says:
oh?
and?

J says:
it made me smile
it made my day basically
im easy like that
anything that can make me smile 9 out of 10x makes my day

Aek says:
haha, awww ^_^

currently listening to:I See Who You Are-Bjork

letter to the bloggers

During my time here in the land of the inebriated ones(blogosphere) I've met a lot of people that I never would have had a chance to before. This blog has been a learning experience for me and has helped change me in more ways than one. I'm glad you guys take the time to read my blog, because without you then I'd just be talking to myself, and I do that enough. All your comments are appreciated and welcomed. If you ever wanna talk to me then 9 out of 10 times I'm on MSN-southern.inebriation@live.com But there are a few bloggers out there that I just wanna thank for even taking the time to deal with me.

Dear Doomed/Gurney,

When we first started talking you said you contacted me because you felt I needed some guidance in my life. You were probably right, but I was too stuck in my ways to listen to anyone at the time. Life wasn't anything to be happy about, but things started changing after I met you. I'm glad you took the time out of your life to talk to me, and I appreciate everything you've done for me. You're a great guy.

Dear x!,

Where do I begin. Our relationship started in a weird place--pubic hair and cheap wal-mart wine-- but it evolved into something else. You're probably the most interesting guy I've met so far, and its because of your randomness. I pride myself on being random, but your randomness even tops mine. There are days when I'm like WTF yo, but you always say something to make me smile and laugh and thats why I love you.

It pains me to see you sad about you and x_x, but I know how you feel. I felt the same thing earlier in the year with al, but I hope you get everything you want and more, because you deserve it. This may sound crazy, but I'm gonna say it anyway, because this is my blog and I shouldn't hold back how I feel so I'm just gonna put it out there. I think I'm falling for you kid. There are just times when we're talking and you say the simplest of things, but it just gives me this tingly feeling and I get all googly eyed. I know you don't believe in marriage, but if I oculd wife anyone up at this moment I'd definately choose you.

Dear Aek,

I feel like I should make yours all professional and scientific sounding, but I would FAIL. You're one of my core blogger friends, and I'm gonna miss you when you leave for China in June. You've gone out of your waay to help me whenever I needed it and I just want to say thanks. Whatever grade I make in english its as much yours as it is mine. So thanks. Also I kinda miss all the questions you use to ask, they made me think a lot, and I know you'll make a great doctor one day cause you're a smart guy. Plus you seem to know your stuff.

Dear SinfulSoul,

I don't know where you came from and I'm still a little confused on where exactly you live(I just know its in the middle of the ocean on an island) and I still don't know your name, but I guess thats okay. You've also gone out of your way to help me with school stuff, and your payment is in the mail now. You probably won't get it, but the ocean will enjoy the granny smith apples. You're a great guy, even though you've given up on m4m sex and won't give me a chance to remind you why its the best shit ever, stay the way you are. And I'm stay getting in trouble since I'm the "problem" child.

Dear Cash,

You've been absence. I'm lonely now. But I wish you all the luck in New York, just make sure to save me a spot on your couch cause I'll be there for my 21st, and you can get me drunk and inebriated.

Dear KS,

You keep me sane. We don't talk often, but I enjoy the time we do talk. I mean you're the most gangster Malaysian kid I've ever met. Without you I would not be hip to the newest lingo you kids use. You taught me what "superman that hoe" really means, and for that you'll be the first person I let superman me, yah digg. :P

Dear Robby/Rabby/Randy,

I'm not sure which one I'm suppose to call you, so I chose all three. In a sea of obscurity I think I'd choose you. My life ws meaningless and then out of nowhere I hear x! gushing about his favorite soldier, and I was like "WHO THE FUCK IS COCKBLOCKING ME NOW" and it was you. So I set out on a mission to destroy you, but ended up befriending you. And as a result I'm questioning everything I ever believed. But thats good. As long as you keep yelling at me to stop my NONSENSE and that i need jeebus, then I'll continue doing what I do. Now if you would just stop using my word EPIC, I think I'd be up for discussing our mulatto babies.

Dear Mark/ScaredTriumph!,

I started talking to you under the guise of making you choose me before shots could get his greedy, malnourished, asian hands into you. He was jealous cause I was all "OMG SHOTS, IM GONNA WIFE THIS KID UP" and I use to say that about him. But shots is last years MSAJ, and you're the new model. But I'm glad I got to actually talk to you. Even though you're like 4'6 you stand 7'9. We have a lot in common, moreso than I would have ever thought and from what I know you're a great guy and I wish all the best. I mean where else am I gonna find someone who has an affinity of x-men and also shares my passion for Bjork?

Dear Joshua,

I guess this is gonna have to serve as my goodbye to you, until school starts back up. You have a way with words, and you'd be a fool not to try and capitalise off of it. I may have to hire you to ghost write my blog from time to time,lol. But I'm glad we had the chance to talk these last couple of months and I wish you nothing but the best.

Dear S,

You're my favorie Asian, maybe its because you're like a shiny, new toy and I've only scratched the surface of who you are. Or maybe it's because you're that epic and better than the rest, but no matter the reason I'm glad we've had the chance to talk and I look forward to getting to know you better.

Dear Dan,

You're another one of those bloggers that just has a way with words. I'm always instantly drawn into your posts and wish I was that capable. We've only talked once or twice, but I enjoyed them immensely. I hope to continue talking to you and wish you nothing but the best.

Dear gay+teen+sydney,

I've only talked to you once or twice, but I've enjoyed the conversations. You're a great guy and smarter than me so thats always nice. You've helped me with a few things and I appreciate that. Hope to see you when you come to the states.

Dear kinderfield,

I shouldn't like you cause x! likes you, and that means you're cockblocking me from happiness, but even with all of that I do. You're not the average blogger, and I like your thought process. You're a cool guy and I hope we comntinue to talk.

Love,
J

currently listening to:So Good-Electrik Red

letter to athens

Dear Athens,

It was nine months ago when we first met. You weren't like the other cities I visited, there was something special about you. You reminded me of home, but you were different. You were better, but I didn't expect for you to change me the way you did. I was a lost boy when we met, but now I'm well on my way to becoming the man I know I can be, and I have you to thank for that.

Me and you have been through a lot this past year, but you were always there when I needed you. If I ever needed some time to think things over then I knew all I had to do was walk outside, lay on the grass, and look at your night sky. It was always so peaceful and serene and the reason I stayed sane. There were many nights when I just needed to get away and you showed me how. All it took was a quick walk, a quick jog and everything fell in place. It never failed and I knew everything would work out somehow, and it always did.

You introduced me to my first boy crush and what a whirlwind of emotions that was. Never before had I felt any of those emotions and at times it was overwhelming, but I survived and I'm glad it happened.

You introduced me to a few people that I hope remain apart of my life for a long time. Each one has left an imprint on my heart, and they deserve nothing but the best. I'm gonna miss each and everyone, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to be apart of their lives.

Athens though our time was short, I will never forget everything that happened. Only you and I know all the shit that truly happened, and if walls could talk then they would only tell half the story. But if the sky could talk then....

Yours Truly,
J
the muthafuckin inebriated one

the list

Well I didn't get to far before I just gave up on doing anything today besides drawing, writing, and researching loans. But I did eat, didn't shower, no medicine yet, and my mom still has my car. But life goes on.

So here we go. Something new I want to start doing is my list of things I want to do within the next year. A lot of them involves random things I wanna do once I get to cali, but some of them are things I need to do this summer. Its a pretty long list, but I'm giving myself a year to do them and I'll be adding to the list whenever something new pops into my head.

• finish writing my movie script
• write a comic
• learn guitar
• learn to swim
• learn to surf
• go to circle k with x! and buy lunchables
• go to disneyland and enjoy it
• ride a rollercoaster
• go to Canada
  
• travel outside the country
  
• meet another blogger
• stay in a relationship for more than 2 weeks
• draw more
• make a new friend
• come out the closet
• find a job
• watch "I Know Who Killed Me" with shots
• watch "the Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with shots
• go to a gay club
• join a gay teen/youth group
• get a tattoo
• see a therapist, maybe
• draw a self-portrait each week
• learn to make layouts
• learn css, html, and xhtml
• go to circle K with x! and buy pitas
• take sticky pics with shots
• go to a concert
• learn korean
• go to Vietnam or China
• learn to dj
• write more
• go to White Castle
• meet Tigguh & Pooh
  

currently listening to:Earth Intruders-Bjork

ugh

i really hate myself right now, but thats okay. we all deserve a day to just hate ourselves for a moment. this is mine. i need to eat and take my pills and shower and go for a run. ugh. but i dont have my car. i didn't lose it my mom just stole it. but maybe now ill have some gas. yay me? but yeah. i need to eat and take my pills. avent taken them in three days. maybe thats why i feel so shitty. and my chest hurts. but yeah maybe ill actually post the posts i've had in que for the last three days. they're kinda long and sappy but in a good way. so yeah. gotta eat. and shower. dammit and make a mothers day card.

[pause]

one question. if somebody wifes me up, do i get a mothers day card?

currently listening to:Georgia On My Mind-Ray Charles

overeacted

Disregard the last post, I was being a little emotional but I'm okay now. Talked to Lush and her life is basically in the crapper so we made each other feel better. Also had a quick talk with my mother, so we're gonna see what we can do about this housing money. So yeah life could be worse. And I made an A- in my art history class and a 93.5 on my final. So my scholarship is secured, and somehow that C- in the class I had before the final went to an A-. So yeah, I guess someones looking out for me.

currently listening to:Playing In Her Hair-the Dream

acceptance

I didn't see it coming, but I should have. It never fails. I get my hopes up and I'm always disappointed. I don't know why I always let this happen, but I do. I should be happy right now, but I'm not. Sad would be an understatement. I got my official acceptance letter to Otis today and the only thing I can do is hide in the garage and cry. Life really sucks right now.

Inside the acceptance letter came my housing information. It basically states that I have to pay my housing before finalncial aid is disperesed, and after it is I'll be reimbursed my housing fee. The problem is the money is due June 1, and I know I'm not going to have the money. So yeah, looks like my cali dreams are over before they even began. I shouldv'e seenthis soming, because it happens everytime. But I truly thought it would be different this time. Thoought my luck was changing. Guess I was wrong.

Looks like I'm going to the army and back to my ol' pessimistic self when shit hurt less. I tried this happy shit, and it doesnt work.

*cue emo music

currently listening to:Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap

gushes

Damn, I have no clue what he's saying or what language he's speaking but I want to learn. I never understood the obsession with Tae Yang, but I'm a fan now. The only thing I got out of it was uh oh, crazy in love, and i think im in love. Thanks Mark for sharing.

WAHHHHHHHH

So apparently I'm gay. And me saying I'm bi is just a bunch of bullshit. I guess I can live with that, but this means that you're gay too and none of that "I'm bi" cause I refuse to be gay and lonely. So if you're gay then color me gay.

Okay that last line was a little gay, but its 2 in the morning what did u expect. And follow me on twitter, cause I only have four followers and that makes me sad. The link is over there --------------> under the life right now header.

currently listening to:Makes Me Wonder-Maroon 5

dodged a bullet

I've always been very talented when it came to dodging bullets, but I think today takes the cake. My phone just rang and I looked down and it said Grandma. I really don't wanna talk to her right now, but I answer it anyway. I say hello. They say hello, and turns out its actually my dad. So I'm thinking FUCK, I really don't wanna talk to him. But then he says "i think i have the wrong number," so I'm like HELL YEAH, dodged a bullet.

death of cali

I'm sitting here trying to study for my art history final tomorrow, and ended up in a conversation with Em, where I came to the conclusion that I probably won't be getting a pet fish anytime soon. At the moment it just doesn't make sense to buy one. My pet fish, Cali, was suppose to be a good luck charm so I would get admitted into Otis. Well I'm officially a student, so she served her purpose and I didn't even have to buy it.

The other thing is I live all the way on the east, and LA is way over there on the west. In my mind I plan on taking a road trip and driving to cali. It only takes a day and eight hours and if I divided that up over a few days then it shouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately, the powers that be aren't really feeling this idea. I've always wanted to take a road trip, but they don't seem to care. They plan on buying me a plane ticket and shipping my stuff. Which is reasonable, but it also means I will be without a car and unable to drive up to Upland every weekend to see my baby x. Sad right, but I guess I'll survive. There's always public transportation and I actually enjoyedd riding the busses this year, I always meet random people that always have a story to tell.

So basically either way my poor fish, Cali, would not make the trek out west, and would probably end up dying like most of my characters during a game of Oregon Trail. So I think I'm gonna put the fish on hold and try to come up with a new name for him/her. Right now Blog and Freshy is winning, but I'm up for suggestions. I want smething random or weird nothing normal like Penelope. I mean what the fuck was she thinking when she named her fish that.

HELP

this has nothing to do with my blog, but i figured there has to be at least one twiiter person reading this. I have a twitter, but I don't use it because for some reason my phone doesnt work with twitter. I blame alltel, because alltel is the reason i can no longer do my myxertones and a couple of other free shit. Twitter says my phone is not sms compatible or something like that, but thats some bull. I know my phone is sms compatible because I've blogged from my phone and tumbld from my phone on several occasions. Also my phone was just updated with something, don't know what, but it was important. So is there anyway to bypass this nonsense, so I can twit from my phone. Or should I basically just give up like I have for the last month. The bright side of this is if I can twitter, that means I can go back to one post a day instead of the two or three i've been doing as of late.

currently listening to:Come Follow Me-Usher

i tend to lose my car

I tend to lose my car on a daily basis. Sometimes I recover quickly and realize where I parked it. Other times I'm not so lucky. Today was one of those days. I left my dorm, walked down the stairs, crossed the street, and entered my parking lot. Headed towards where I parked my car and noticed the spot was empty. My car was gone.

The first thing I always think when I get into this position is what happened to my first car, and then I get a little flustered. I think my car is towed, I jump up and down for a second, then I tell myself to think. I think for a bit and and start pressing the panic button in all directions. If I can't hear the car then I assume its been towed. Its a reasonable assumption since I owe UGA a 40 dollar parking ticket and they're known for towing and putting boots on people's cars, like a 12 o'clock class on Wednesday.

After a few minutes have passed I give up the search for my car and begin heading back to my dorm, with my head hung low. "Dammit, moms is gonna be mad" I think but in the corner of my eye I see a familiar piece of furniture. It's my car. Turns out I parked closer than what I thought I did. I hop in the car, head to the dining hall, and notice Posh is calling me. I answer and have a thirty minute conversation laughing my ass off.

All is well in my post acceptance world. Things are truly looking up.

currently listening to:Breathe Me-Sia

accepted

Found out a day ago I was accepted to Otis College of Art and Design. I found out today I was accepted into the Lamar Dodd School of Art, here at UGA. So it looks like my future is secure for the moment. Come August I will be making the move to LA and will not be looking back at Georgia. I love Georgia, it helped make me who I am, but my future is not here, so I'm not sad to leave all of the baggage, the drama, and the sex behind and move to the better coast.


Oh yeah, Mark suggested I watch Fight Club last night and I did. One word. EPIC. I love this movie. Also be on the lok out for a few new things I wanna start doing on my blog. I think its gonna be similar to some of the things Ranting On Screen has been doing for a while, and I like the feel of his blog. So why not? And I think the roommate is leaving tomorrow, because he's finally taking down his shrine off the wall.

currently listening to:Because of You-Ne-Yo

the journey begins

i am 19. i am [trying to be] me. i don't smoke. i lie.
i write. i draw. i read. i capture [moments].
i sing [in the shower][in the car][in my sleep]. i blog.
i doodle. i am impulsive. i [over]think. i am emotional.
i [people] watch. i am compassionate. i scream. i am sarcastic.
i am proud. i think [therefore i am?]. i am shy. i am black.
i am insecure. i am confident. i am oxy[moronic]. i procrastinate.
i sleep. i dream. i am sad. i am happy. i am nonresponsive.
i [will] have a fish. i listen. i think. i speak [up]. i dream some more.
i love. i hate. i dislike. i fall [too quick]. i dream some more.
i hope. i pray. i see. i am blind. i [dont] give up. i am j.

currently listening to:We Made You-Eminem

lets play a game

Being that I'm in a happy mood I figured I'd play a game. I'm gonna list some things and I want you to guess what they all have in common. If you guess right then you win a prize(the satisfaction of knowing you were right and you know something about your favorite blogger). So here is the list.

• a pilot
• three drug dealers
• a couple of students
• a professor
• a business owner
• a football player
• a construction worker
  
• an alien

currently listening to:Blame It On Me-Chrisette Michelle

fighting insomnia

I'm fighting insomnia again, too bad it looks like I'm gonna lose the battle again tonight. I did learn a few things so I guess the night/morning isn't a complete waste.

1. I may not be anyones musical soulmate(the idea of a musical soulmate is a bunch of nonsense anyway), but I do have great taste in music, britney aside
2. The first song my acoustic vocoder band will record is Heartless

why you ask? Because its the only way to perform the song. Acoustic and Vocoderish. Plus if anyone can really do this song some justice, infuse it with pain, soulless vocal riffs, and convey the emotions it has to be me. I think Kanye wrote this song just so I could start a band and perform it and God created single, gay, 5'8, small dicked, asian guys to provide me with inspiration.

why'd ya have to be so doctor evil?
ya bringin' out a side of me that i don't know

Wait, scratch all of that about the asian guy. Its amazing what you can discover at six in the morning when you take time to read lyrics to a song. Heartless is all about me and K. Its all about me and K and I'm so dumb and naiive to never have noticed that.

how could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
just REMEMBER that you talking to ME yo
YOU need to WATCH the way YOU TALKING to ME yo

So cocky, so motherfuckin cocky. But underneath all of that cockiness is someone hurt. Like seriously hurt. He loved this chick and she did something to destroy him, and now he's mad.

i mean after all the things that we been through
i mean after all the things we got into

He's still holding on. He can't understand that after everything. All the drama, all the cheating, all the sex, all the drugs, all the suicide attempts, after everything they've been through together why is it over now.

you got a new friend, well i got homies

Has to be the gayest line ever. You got a new love, but got dammit I got my boys. Yeah, definately gay.

but in the end its still so lonely

Even after the entire verse of bullshitting he knows he's still lonely. I'm guessing the homies wouldn't put out. Poor gayfish.

And now its 6:23 and I can actually see the sun rising. Maybe I should get some sleep now. This post will probably be deleted as soon as I wake up, for the simple fact that I said this song is about me and K and its not. I also have a bump in my head and it bothers me.

*palm to face

le sigh

currently listening to:Heartless-the Fray

one problem

I'm about to head back to athens now. Home was fun, and I think I'm coming back Friday. My moms gave me a whole week to relax before the job search commences, so I think I shall spend it relieving high school experiences that I missed.

Oh yeah, I think I shall start a band. An all acoustic band. With me and my vocoder. One problem though. I only know the first eight notes to hey there delilah, my guitar is out of tune, and I don’t have a vocoder. Any suggestions.

J & K. Patron & Purp. and A keeps eyein me from across the room, damn it feels good to be home right now even if its just for one night. Maybe i should call the moms and tell her im not at school cause if the night ends how i think it will, theres no way im gonna make it back to school by eleven.
-J

4

I need to be honest for a second.

But I don't know how. I've written and erased and started over on this post more than three times, and the only thing that has remained constant is that first line. So maybe I should focus less on trying to be coherent?(I don't think thats the right word) and focus more on what I wanted to say in this post.

It's 5:12 and I'm sleepy.

It's 5:32 and my ear is bleeding. I've been writing and deleting everything I say because I know there will be some oblique reference that someone I care about will read. They'll read it and they won't make a comment about it on here, but they'll ask me about it later. I'll probably lie to them and say it was no big deal. It wasn't about you. Or something along those lines, because I don't want them to know how important they are to me.

I think some people can handle that knowledge. Others can't.

I've been listening to Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" for the last hour. The song came out in 2001, I think. I was 11. It was also the year that everything changed. 2001 will always be the year I relate to "the year everything changed" because it did. I was 11. Aaliyah died that year. September 11 happened. I met K. I began masturbating. I almost lost my virginity. Everything really did change that year, but I could never understand this song. I didn't even like Maxwell. I was 11, what the fuck did I look like listening to Maxwell for. He was for the grown and sexy and I was 11. This was also the year I fell in love with Pink.

Like I said, everything changed that year. "Family Portrait," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "My Vietnam," all songs that I could relate too, and I loved every second I spent listening to it. I also realized that segregation was not over and racism still existed. I guess if there was one thing I could change about 2001 it would be that. There was a incident in the gym one morning, I wanna say August 23. Not sure about the date though. All I know is this was the day I realized that my world was divided into two camps. Black and White. And if you weren't white then you were black. No questions asked. I didn't understand it, but I quickly learned and obeyed this rule.

Its 5:48 and this post isn't turning out how I wanted it to. It was suppose to be all the things I want to say, but never do because I don't want to offend anyone. So I guess I'll just list what I wanted to address but failed to.

• the fact that i push people away on purpose
• i'm not worthy of the people i push away which is why i do it
• the fact that more than one person has said to me "i don't know why i put up with you"
• i don't know why you put up with me either which is why i push you away
• the fact that earlier this week and earlier today i thought about cutting myself
• i would never do it, because it would hurt, but i know how and where i would
• how: my trusty x-acto knife
• where: legs maybe, hands definately, arms maybe, wrists never cause thats jus crazy
• if someone asks me about this, i will vehemently deny it and call you crazy
  
• the fact that im sinical when people say they care for me
• the fact that i actually care for these same people but cant fathom why they care for me
• have to pray for x
• robby was m.i.a. today
  
• no one said nonsense or told me i need jesus today
• ks actually reads this?
  
• i think i spelled sinical wrong
• other random things that i cant remember because its 6:03 and now i'm hungry

So lets end on a high note. My moms said yes to the fish idea. So as soon as I get in Savannah we're going fish buying, but now I kinda want a pet turtle instead. But what I really want is a pet panda, supposedly they sale them in Chinatown in downtown LA. But you have to talk to the right person, and yoou have to be Asian. But if you find these secret minitaure pet pandas they also have pet giraffes and lions, but no hungry, hungry hippos. And being that I still view the world through my childhood eyes I actually believe this. And if I fins out that this is all a lie, Ill be pretty sad, because I already named by pet panda.

Its 6:10 and I'm finally gonna go to sleep. I've been up 23 hours, but all I want is a cookie. Sugar preferably. But all I have are Girl Scouts.

currently listening to:This Woman's Worth-Kate Bush

urge

I have this incredible urge to buy myself a pet fish right now. I blame Em, because she bought herself a fish a few weeks back and I named it Philadelphia. The problem is she didn't like the name and went against my better judgment and named it Penelope. Yeah, the name lacks character. But both my brothers have had pets in the past, but I've never had one. So I think its about time that I get one. I even have a name for it. Cali. Nice right, a whole lot better than Penelope. So I'm on this crusade to convince my moms to buy me a fish Sunday. My plan at the moment is to somehow convince her its a way to commemorate all my success and failures of Freshman year.

currently listening to:Pretty Wings-Maxwell

fortyfour

44.

portfolio number. thats what i am now. and will be until may 8th. number 44. if i pass, then my back up plan is secured. if i fail, then i have to get into otis or i'm basically fucked. funny. fucked and fourtyfour both start with Fs. and if i get an F this semsedter then i really am fucked. and that people is the irony of being a nineteen year old black boy, scratch that, young man. living. attending. hiding. in this straight world.

currently listening to:This Woman's Work-Maxwell