he's the galaxy...

...and i'm just a lowly star.

sorry, had a self-loathing moment. please forgive me.

currently listening to Genius Next Door by Regina Spektor

i wish

so i'm probably gonna do this every week. i might even just make this into an i wish blog since all i seem to do is wish for shit that will never happen. so here's i wish #1, you can thank x for this.

J says:
so
talk to me x
tell me something
xzero! says:
i am worrie
*worried
i wish i was with my friends
i wish i had my own room
i wish i had cash
a job
i wish i had a boyfriend
J says:
i wish i had a bed to sleep in
i wish i had two contacts to use instead of one
i wish i didnt know what love was
i wish my ear wasn't bleeding
xzero! says:
i wish i had good sex
tonight
i wish i knew HE was okay
instead of a certain one saying that if wasnt, he would enjoy it
J says:
i wish the good days outnumbered the bad days and the interesting days
i wish the one i loved loved me back
i wish
xzero! says:
i wish i had a fuckin uncle nephew sitaufuckination
I WISH J WOULD REALIZE THAT I LOVE HIM
I WISH DAFT PUNK HAD MORE THAN ONLY GOOD THREE SONG
J says:
i wish i believed that
i wish i could believe the truth
xzero! says:
i wish i could find love
J says:
i wish love would find u
xzero! says:
;_;
i got homies in the end
still so lonely
J says:
i wish kanye would have never wrote heartless
i wish it didnt remind me of her
xzero! says:
i wish it didnt remind me of deadeyes
J says:
i wish i wasnt a dumb, jealous fuck
xzero! says:
i wish ZIPLOCK would love me
J says:
i wish i wasn't damaged goods
xzero! says:
i wish i wasnt a virgin
i wish i was straight
J says:
i wish i was a virgin
i wish i didnt have a daddy complex
i wish i didnt have a mommy complex
i wish i could sleep at night
i wish i could fuckin sleep
i wish he never touched me
i wish i never touched him back
xzero! says:
i think i am going to make an I wish blog
and i wish you would do one too
J says:
i will
xzero! says:
so we can be the same
i wish you would call it
i wish
like i will
J says:
i wish u didnt make me laugh
xzero! says:
i wish you wouldn't laugh when I dont try to be funny
J says:
i wish i didnt like u
xzero! says:
i wish -- WHOA CALM DOWN THERE
J says:
i wish wishing was a sin
xzero! says:
*making the blog
J says:
FUCK x FUCK
xzero! says:
FUCK J FUCK

currently listening to Cancer by My Chemical Romance

how come i cant, miss a woman like i cant miss courtdates

i have a problem. two problems to be exact. maybe three, but really just two.

1. sex
2. guys
3. im stoopid
   

one.

i like sex. maybe more than i should. a lot more than i should. but i like it and would go as far as saying i love sex. i didn't eat today but i had sex. and there's the problem. how can i give up a great meal for some okay sex? or even some great sex?¹ it just doesn't make since, but in the mind of J it does. i have a problem with sex.

two.

i like guys. but never the ones i should. i always like the ones i shouldn't like. i also have an affinity for drug dealers. don't ask me why. most of the guys i've been with were drug dealers. i don't do drugs just so you know. the guy i've been chillin' with for the last two days is a drug dealer. he's also "straight" and has a babymoms and a daughter that he lives with. but for the last two days he's been wih me. and thats the problem.

three.

i'm stoopid. i even spell he word wrong on purpose because i'm stoopid. i don't know why people swear i'm smart. they also think i'm good with computers but i don't know shit about computers. but i am stoopid and i realized how stoopid i am the last two days. i always find myself in these situations. all these situations can be avoided, but i always dive head first into these situations.

so while i was sitting in my car tonight in the midst of one of these situations i started thinking. but then i stopped. i didn't wanna think i wanted to talk to someone and get their take on the situation. i called shots, got a voicemail. called k, no answer. and then i said fuck it and started talking to myself. basically yelling at myself for being a stoopid, dumb fuck². and during the conversation i came to the conclusion that i have three problems.

1. sex
2. guys
3. stupidity

and the only solution is to stop. no more sex³. no more guys⁴. no more being stoopid⁵.

currently listening to Every Girl by Young Money

1. i mean my shit is on some EPIC shit. jus ask ya dads.
2. i had this same conversation the night before with myself, x, and S. somehow x convinced me i wasn't stoopid. too bad he was wrong.
3. i've said this before. and i'll probably say it again. i can go a week, maybe 2 but i have a plan. everytime i get the urge to have sex i'll just go workout or jerk. simple enough.
4. i'm making one maybe two exceptions. i'm currently in a relationship, kinda. but he's in mexico. if he comes back then i will sex him up and see him on a daily basis. i also gave up vagina a few weeks back. so i think giving up guys shouldn't be too hard.
5. i know these situations are stoopid. the voices in my head tell me they are, but i do them anyway. so i just have to start trusting my instincts.

another complication

why won't they just let me be great? after everything from the previous post about the uncle and the nephew i thought things would slow down. but now there's a new complication, that could all just be in my head. but i don't think it is. but there's this guy...

lets call him T. no, lets be a little more creative. lets call him PHONE HOME or PH. i went to high school with PH. i met him my freshman year in honors physical science. i walked in the classroom on the first day and there he was. sitting alone in a desk across the room. he was an unusual face. had never seen him before in my life, but i sat by him anyway. K walked in next and she joined us.

PH was a grade above me and K and had just moved here from Florida. he was a cool guy. he was smart. he was funny. and i always called him a poor man's version of me. for the simple fact that he was black, smart, and funny. and in my hometown not many guys fit the bill for that. but we all got along perfectly. i think he picked up on the fact that i was still catching feelings for K. and the fact that we constantly flirted and felt on each other didn't discourage that, but i could also tell that he liked K--there are just things i know. and this was one of them--but even with this knowledge me and K still felt he could be gay. he was skinny and lanky. and he just had these moments where he was a little suspect. so we always assumed that maybe he was gay. which is funny now that K is out and i'm here on southern inebriation and intoxicated resonace(shameless plug) typing about my life.

to this day i still don't know how it happened or when it happened, but PH and K ended up hooking up and becoming official. it kinda shocked me, because one day she was dating this guy and then the next she's fucking PH. the details of their relationship is still fuzzy to this day, but one thing is certain. PH is both the beginning and the end of me and K. it began the hot and heavy phase of me and K's relationship, but it was also the end of that emotional connection we had had since sixth grade. nobody came out of this relationship unscarred. i lost a best friend. K lost a soul mate. and PH lost something, i don't know we kinda stopped talking during this. besides the snide "thats why i'm fuckin yo girl" comment we would trade back and forth we didn't speak to each other unless K made us.

the one thing i know for certain is PH is the only guy K has ever loved. she loves me, but not the way i loved her or she loves him. whatever they had was special. i've seen K in relationships before and she never gave her all. she was in most of them for one reason, and it wasn't love. but with PH it was different. she loved him, and when they broke up i don't think she ever healed. we were talking a few days ago about how much everything is changing and how shit was so much simpler when we were younger and she admitted to me that she still loves PH.

problem is PH has a girlfriend now. and i think he just hit on me.

currently listening to You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

soundtrack of my life-chasimg lights

I guess this is where I tell why the song means something to me. So bear with me. British music has never been something I've actively seeked out. There are a few that catch my ear, but they've all been more on the r&b/soulful side of Brtish music. The pop stars were never really my thing. S Club 7, yes, but I was seven then and they had a tv show so they were the only ones I fucked with. And maybe Spice Girls, but again I was seven, and they had a movie, and the girl I liked was in love with them. This same girl was also in love with Britney Spears, so you have her to blame for that. Her name was Brooke, and she had the most beautiful long brown hair, but this post isn't about her its about the Saturdays and Rick.

"Chasing Lights" by the Saturdays made me realize that maybe it is over between me and Rick. The past two weeks have been rough between us to say the least School let out, so we no longer saw each other everyday. I came to Savannah, and Rick went to Florida. Somethings happened, and basically Rick plans to move back to Mexico with his father for a year, and then continue with college next year.

Apart of me feels like maybe this is my fault. This is Rick's way of saying goodbye to me, before I say goodbye to him first. Either way I didn't think this would be the last chapter of me and Rick. Our relationship is hard to really explain. It came out of nowhere, and we both dived head first into it. I love dthis kid, and he loved me, no matter what anyone else says. What we had was real, and we fought for it everyday.

No matter how hard we tried to get away from each other we always ended up in each others arms. I got into my first fight because of this guy. I got in a fight over a guy. Thats one of the things I always told myself I would never do. I've seen so many of my friends get in fights over guys and I saw how stupid it looked, but there I was waging a war with one guy for Rick. No matter how much I told myself, and everyone else that I didn't want this guy, I did and in the end I got Rick back. There's so much shit that went down that I couldn't fit it in this one post, but a few people know what happened.

And thats why it hurts to finally realize that this is goodbye. I've been listening to this song for the past thirty minutes and it made me understand that Rick is gone. J and Rick are no more, and I guess I'm going to be okay with this. The time Rick and I spent together was always special, and I'll take those memories with me, but its time to finally say goodbye to Rick. To really let him go. Because we've said goodbye so many times, but we were still attached. We still did what we always did, but this time it has to be different. I can't hope that he's gonna tell me he's not going, I can't hope that he's gonna show up on my doorstep and tell me he's gonna be here tomorrow, I have to let him go. And he has to let me go.

So this is for Rick. And if you're reading this then just know you'll always have a spot in my heart. I love you kid. But we both have to move on.

I've been doing this my way, your way, our way, I can't make it work
When all I have is not enough
I've been doing all I can, my plan, your plan and all I get is hurt
This game we're playing has to stop

I've got you stuck in my head
And all you do is breaking me, I can't continue taking this
I've tried my best to understand
But I cannot make sense of you, I've got to take a stand and baby

Having technical difficulties, so until I can find a new way to embed he song here's the youtube clip.



curently listening to:Chasing Lights-the Saturdays

wife me up

I was just over at DC Cised and notice he had a post up that I can relate to so I fugured I could just do a blog on that. Its been two days since my last post, and I like to steal things. So why not steal a great subject.

And I actually had this conversation with a fellow blogger tonight and came to the conclusion that when we get married I will be taking his last name. Not only does his last name sound better with my name, but I mean he did wife me up, so its to me expected, right?

In a perfect world my life would end up something like this. Some doctor, psychologist, lawyer will find me, fall in love, and wife me up. I'll stay at home cook, clean, do anything else that needs to be done while he supports me and my struggling artist lifestyle. Until the day comes when I'm "discovered" and I blow up. Then we can both relax and live happily ever after.

When it comes to being in a relationship with a guy I guess my "bottom" mentality comes out. I don't mind stepping back and letting him lead the way. Letting him pay for dinner. Letting him rough me up in bed. Or just all around letting him be the "man" in the relationship. I'm okay with that, cause like I said before I just wanna be wife'd up.

currently listening to:Girlfriend-Day 26

best night evah

Yeah I might've had a pretty sucky day. Yeah I didn't write that essay. And yeah I didn't study as much as I wanted or needed to, but all of that drama, and nonsense, and stress led me to do one thing. Call up an old buddy, and see if I still knew what I was doing when it came to the bedroom. And boy do I.

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now, but I have so much energy I could run a few laps. yeah It's six in the morning. Yeah I have class in a few hours. And yeah I've been un since 9 o'clock the previous day, but I can't sleep. I've had sex before, but there was just something that clicked inside tonight. I mean three hours of sex is not healthy. I swear I'm gonna be feeling the pain after all this adrenaline wears off.

Damn I wish I would have recorded it, cause there were some things tha amazed me. Damn I love taking a good dick in the ass and the mouth, damn I love swallowing some cum, but damn. A virgin ass feels so fucking incredible. I wish I could have one every fucking night. I'm so happy right now. Lets hope and pray that I don't crash and burn before my quiz in a few hours. I've already determined I'm skipping language so I can sleep after 2.

Damn I love yo ass Rick, literally. I love yo ASS.

closure

Update:

He just text me and it wasn't what I wanted to hear but it was what I needed to hear. So all in all I'm happy with how the last three months of my life have gone. Whatever I felt for Al helped me grow into what I am now so it was all worth it. And I made a good friend and came out to a friend because of this. So If I could go back in time and change everything I don't think I would. Well I know I wouldn't.

*********************

Here's the text I sent to Al an hour ago.

Just had a question that I've been wondering about since I came out to you. If you didn't have a boyfriend would I even have a chance.

-J

Its been an hour and he hasn't responded. Which means he probably won't and I'm just going to assume that means a big fat NO. Shots doesn't agree with the text message and feels the question would have been better served in person, but I disagree. Yes the text may be a little less personal, but it takes away a lot of the tension or pressure there would be. Like I told Shots a simple yes or no would have sufficed.

Also this way I atleast know he received the text and the next time I see him(which will either be tomorrow or Monday) I plan on asking him if he got my text. See there is a method to my madness. I'm more comfortable with asking if he got a text than if he thinks he could be with me.

But I'm happy I sent the text. I was nervous at first, but after I sent it it all went away. This will provide me with some closure and I can move on with my life. Goodbye Al, welcome back Rick? Maybe, maybe not. But what I do know is I'm almost to my 200th post and unlike x!(mister 400) I plan on doing something for it, but I don't know what.

All suggestions are appreciated.

al

Three months of mind stalking and contemplating comes down to one text message. Damn, did I just make a mistake.

damn that was quick

I know I said I was going on hiatus for a week, but did anyone actually believe that? Blogging is an addiction, and I was going through withdrawals so I had to make a post.

All the drama, or whatever it was, that happened the last few days is over. As far as I'm concerned Rick is still a great guy and so is my friend. Whatever happened, or didn't happen is in the past and is no concern to me. It it what it is.

If this situation taught me anything its that I'm ready for a relationship. I want a boyfriend. I know what you're probably thinking, damn Rick was just there why want one now? And you're probably right, but I'm actually serious now. I want a boyfriend, but how am I suppose to get one when I'm still in the closet? I don't know, guess its something I need to think about.

On another note, it seems that I'm a little obsessive with Al. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed and I wouldn't say that I'm still stuck on him. I still like him and everything, but I don't think about him as much as I use to, and right now I'm just trying to build a stronger friendship with him. He's a great guy and I could learn something from him, but I will say there was this one moment in class where I almost gave in to the animal in me.

I was just sitting at the table painting, when out of nowhere he sneeks up on me from behind. I turn to look at him and our faces are basically touching and he's just sitting there smiling, before he begins to talk. But the thing that almost got me was his smell. It was just something about it that sent my hormones into a frenzy and I almost gave in.

Damn, if you guys only knew what is running through my mind now. After I thought I had everything figured out its all going to hell now. Damn, damn, damn. Damn, the next time an opportunity arises I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna make my move and then I think I'll be able to really move on.

Damn, why must i like boys. Things was so much simpler with chicks. I fuckin miss high school.

where do we go from here

Guess what world. I know who the other guy is. And to say I'm shocked is the understatement of the millennium. Damn, why him? Of all guys, why?

i had it coming

Well you guys, its over. Not that I'm sure entirely what that means, but we are. Rick said he found some other guy he was interested in and wanted me to know before he acted on it. It makes sense and I'm happy for him. He's a great guy and deserves to have all his love returned. I'm just not capable of that right now.

I just wonder who the guy is?

quick update

There's not really anything to write about, so this may be kinda pointless, but i'm okay with that if you are. Things are still going pretty good with me and Rick. The same can be said about me and Al, I even drove him back to his room in my car. I finally told Rick the whole story of me and Al, and he took it better than I expected.

I appreciate all the comments left from the last post. The choice seems obvious and I know I'm probably just being stupid, but if Rick was to give me an ultimatum today between him and Al, I don't know who I would choose. I don't wanna be with Rick officially, just because I can't be with Al. I don't think me or Rick would benefit from that.

On a side note, have you ever had a friend who you thought was a friend, but maybe you weren't as close as you thought you were? I don't know how to put it in words, but I think I'm in a situation like that. I could be totally wrong, so I don't wanna pass any kind of judgment yet.

But time tells a boy all.

so I guess i'll wait to see how all of this plays out.

al vs. rick

Al [ahl]

-noun
a male given name: form of Albert, Alfred, Aloysius.

1. an asian boy
2. college freshman
3. nineteen years of age
   
4. an art student
5. close friend
6. currently has a boyfriend

Rick [rik]

-noun
a male given name: form of Erick or Richard.

1. a mexican guy
2. college freshman
3. eighteen years of age
4. journalism major
5. close friend
6. doesn't have a boyfriend
7. amazing in bed
8. has an 8 inch dick

So here's the thing, I'm kinda crushing on two guys. The decision seems obvious, but when emotions are involved things get a little complicated especially for me. Heres the situation I'm in. I know that me and Al will probably not get together this semester, and I'm moving to Cali in January so why not move on? Cause I'm either in love with this amazing guy or I'm just really obsessed. The time we're together I'm one of the happiest kids in the world and I don't even care that we're not together.

Then there's Rick. Only known him for four days, but I've spent the last three nights laying in his arms. He's a great guy and we instantly clicked. The sex is up there with some of the best times I've ever had, and there's just this connection when we're doing it. He wants a relationship with me, and I can see us being together, eventually, but right now I don't think we should go there.

1. He's never dated and I'm only the second guy he's been with.
2. I tend to fuck up when sex is involved.
3. I still have feelings for Al.
4. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him, if I let him in.
5. I'm afraid of love.

i wasn't gonna post today

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I wasn't gonna post today because there's really nothing to talk about. I mean I went to the dentist today and I have no cavities, but other than that nothing really happened. Wait. I also cooked some BBQ chicken today, so maybe that's blog worthy. But other than that its been pretty mundane here in Savannah.

So I didn't see a reason to blog today, but then I ran out of things to draw and began looking for new blogs to read and somehow ran into two new ones. Both are by Asian men so you know what that means. I thought about Al. Not good, lol. But what really hit me is when I watched one of their videos when he was singing Adele's "Chasing Pavements." I never really paid attention to the lyrics, but they reall symbolize what I've been trying to figure out the last couple of days.

Should I give up on Al or should I continue, even if it eventually leads no where. I really don't know which is better for me. I would love to have a relationship with Al, but is there any possibility that it could happen before schools out? Also I feel like if I decided to stop pursuing Al I'll just go back to what I was doing before. Having random sex with guys and chicks. There's nothing wrong with that, but I really want a relationship. So that probably wouldn't end with me having someone to call a boy/girlfriend.

But on a brighter note, my friend Shots(who lives in cali) somehow started talking to some guy who goes to UGA like me. I guess he reads his blog, and Shots told him about me, and somehow he convinced both of us to meet up when school starts back Monday. So I'm kinda excited, but also nervous about meeting the guy, but I'm hoping for the best. The worst that can happen is we don't click and we never talk again.

So I'm gonna end this post with the two videos that caught my eye tonight and I'm gonna dedicate them both to Shots, cause at the moment he's the only guy in my life who loves me, and I'm okay with that. XD


found at Letopho


found at Moany

Sorry, Shots is the only one Asian who loves me. Sorry if i didn't make that clear. Didn't mean for anyone to get offended. My bad.

so whats next

Today is Wednesday. I have an Art History midterm that I am nowhere near ready for. I have an essay that's due tomorrow. And I have a few gradient scales that I haven't completed. But, none of this matters to me. The only thing that mattered today was walking into Color Comp, snatching Al by the arms, and making mad passionate love to him while everyone watched. That's how bad I want this guy, but that's not the reality of my life.

The whole morning was building up to me telling Al how I felt. I wasn't scared, I was anxious and when I saw him limp in on a crutch my world just came crashing down. Fuck you snow! But, it wasn't the snow's fault. It was the damn basketball court's fault, but it was much easier to blame the snow. So for the next two hours that's what I did. I blamed the snow and tried to figure out how in the hell I was gonna tell him how I felt. I couldn't drop a bomb on this kid when he was in actual physical pain. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't, but somehow I did.

All the words that I had planned out escaped me when I needed them most. All that would come out were a few "uhs" and "ums" here and there, but eventually the words came out. And it felt damn good. Nervewrecking, but good.

"I like you, and I know you have a boyfriend so I don't expect anything from this. I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer and wanted to tell you. But I hope we can remain friends."

Concise and to the point, but it got the point across. I couldn't look at him when I said this, but from the sounds he was making and some of the words I let him get in I could tell that the revelation was going over pretty well. That maybe if his situation was different we would actually have a chance to be together. The one thing I do remember him saying is "we can definitely still be friends," then he grabbed my arm, smiled a little, and limped away on his crutches while I went to grab a bite to eat.

But I couldn't eat. I had a tray full of food, but all I could handle was a few bites. My stomach was doing tricks, my head was all over the place, and the only emotion I could feel then was the absence of emotions. I was depressed. So I sat there listening to "Lost" and watched everyone else in the dining hall laugh and smile and eat. I couldn't take it so I left and headed back to the art school to waste time before my mandatory art school applicant meeting.

I'm still amazed at how fast my feelings returned, and I knew that everything was gonna be ok. I had finally let out two months of emotions and it didn't end as bad as I had predicted. My life isn't all bad. I like a guy who has a guy, but now he knows that I like him. So with this post Al will no longer be making an appearence on the blog. We're still firends and even had a quick conversation at the meeting, but I don't see a point of continuing writing about this guy.

You guys were here when I first met him and started crushing. You guys were here when I found out that he was bisexual like me. You guys were here when I sent him that facebook message and he ignored me the next day. You guys were here when I went up to him, started talking, and we became friends again. And now you're here when I expressed those feelings to him and now we must say goodbye.

So the next time you see the name Al in a post, best believe it will be full of some of that fairy tale love that you only see in the movies. The balls in his court, so we'll se what happens next.

figuring things out

Well If anything good came out of this snowy day, it has to be the fact that now I have a few extra days to figure out exactly what I'm gonna say to Al. I mean I'm a man now, technically still a teenager, but with my experiences I think I can say that. So its time I start taking this whole love thing serious. So come Wednesday afternoon all these emotions and all these posts about Al will either be coming to an end, or taking an interesting turn. All depends on how he reacts.

So what I need you guys to do is tell me what I should add or take out from what I'm gonna say to him Wednesday. This isn't actually what I'm saying, but its like a skeleton of the things I wanna say.

So Al, there's something I need to tell you. It's kinda hard for me to do it, so just bear with me. I like you, I know you have a boyfriend, but it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm not asking you to break up with him or anything, I just wanna get the chance to know you better. I don't know why I like you and this is weird for me. I've never liked a guy before, so this is new to me. Any other time it was more of a sexual attraction, but with you its kinda different and I just wanted to put it out there so I can either move on or see where it goes. I just want a chance to get to know you better and I hope what I'm saying now doesn't ruin the friendship that we have. So, is there anything you wanna say?

it happens everytime pt. deux

It happens every time when I see him. He makes me so nervous and insecure. The sight of him gives me so many emotions: mostly sadness, but a little bit of hope as well.

If you've been following my blog then you know my best friend is call.the.shots, and you also know that those above words are not mine but his. Its him talking about MSAJ, or the guy he's crushing on hard. Well I actually had a great conversation with MSAJ, but I'm not gonna blog about it. We'll see if call.the.shots does and if he doesn't then I will. This post is actually about the asian guy in my life and how those above words that shots so poetically typed relate to my life.

It happens everytime when I see him. He makes me feel like a little kid and my insides starts to do tricks. The sight of him sends me so many emotions: mostly confusion, but maybe even a little love and a lot of happiness. I get confused because I don't know what to do with these feelings. I've never felt this way about a guy before and I just make myself so sick sometime when I think about how great we could be together, but I know it will never happen. He has a boyfriend and so do I.

So this is my dilemma.

A friend asked me this weekend which one I like more. Was it Al or was it A. Its a very complicated question, but I gave him what I felt was an honest answer and it went something like this. I like them both, but in different ways. Al is someone I liked from the first time I saw him, and thats why I sat by him in class. There's just something about him that I can't describe, but I'm attracted to it. I don't even want to have sex with him, which is huge for me, I just want to hold him and make out for hours. I mean my feelings for him are really intense and sometime they just get to me.

While A on the other hand is completely different. Maybe its the fact that we have this underlying friendship as a base or the fact that I've been fucking him longer than anybody else. Either way we just have this connection that doesn't go away. How else do you explain the fact that our friendship basically deteriated into a "friends with benefits" relationship without us being friends in high school, to us not talking for 8 months, to us getting together one February weekend and me just falling so hard for this guy and asking him to be my boyfriend. I mean stuff like this doesn't happen everyday, and it never happens to me. So there has to be a reason for this, right?

I've never pictured myself marrying a guy, but I can see that with A. He's just someone I feel I would be happy to grow old with, but no matter these feelings if Al was to come up to me today and tell me he wants to be with me or just wants to make out, I have to be honest and say I would. But that doesn't change my feelings for A. Its just really complicated, but its so simple.

A great man once told me that just because you start dating someone doesn't mean your feelings for others disappear. We're human and we don't just stop finding people attractive. That guy is right and I shouldn't feel bad about my feelings, but sometimes I do. I love A and I hope we stay together for a long time. But sometimes I wonder...

currently listening to: Drake-So Far Gone mixtape

epic: the lies i tell myself

update:

Didn't wanna make a new epic post, for such a small update, but lets just say. I am a man. I just got finished talking to Al. We're cool. We're still friends. We're just not epic together. So give me three months and I'll see if I can make it happen. But we are friends.

Yay me.

And now back to your regular programming.

currently listening to: Open Happiness-Cee-Lo, Patrick Stump, Brenden Urie, Janelle Monae, & Travis McCoy
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Attention: if you haven't read epic:who the fuck is al? then read it first. click the link or scroll down to the post below

Why must I lie to myself to feel better. I mean I wrote an entire post just a few minutes ago saying how great my day was. Which is true, but the whole Al situation just hit me again. And it hit hard. I don't have a lot of friends. I'm just not the type that likes to be surrounded by a lot of people. So when I connect with someone its a big deal. I let my guard down and let all my weird quirks shine.

So now that I'm able to really process what happened today, I'm starting to think that I'm not okay with how this is ending. I don't want it to end in a misunderstanding between he and I. I really like this guy, and hits based on a friendship I saw us having. I never had the intentions of being more than that with him. I really didn't. If at some point it evolved into a relationship then that would have been great, but I'm thinking he took it the wrong way.

The guy didn't even look at me. I mean I saw him glance my way once or twice, but mostly he didn't. And that really hurts. To know that in the matter of a weekend we went from having these witty conversations to being basically strangers and thats just not sitting well with me. But I have no clue what to do.

I really just wanna have a face to face conversation between the two of us so I can just straighten out the whole message I sent him. But I'm afraid to even approach him. Scratch that. I am gonna pull him aside Wednesday and straighten this out. I'm a fuckin' man now. I can't be lettin my emotions detur me from what I need and want to do in life. And I'm starting to see that now.

I know what I have to do, and I'm going to do it.

Damn, I really feel a whole lot better now that I've put this out there and for the first time in my life I'm not afraid of what tomorrow holds. I'm actually looking forward to it.

currently listening to: nothing but the voices in my head stroking my ego and killing that emo bastard that lives here

epic: who the fuck is al?

Turns out my day wasn't as epic as I would have liked it to be, but it wasn't bad either. Overall I had a pretty good day. There was lots of dancing, drawing, and then the fact that I think Al doesn't know I exist at all, but other than that the day was great. Oh and my roommate just stormed out the room again, but next time he should make sure he has on real clothes cause no body wantes to see his chicken legs. Sooo not attractive.

But back to the day at hand. I get to my second art class of the day and begin my anticipation of seeing Al. Class starts and he's still not there so I assume he's not going to make it, but I was wrong. Five minutes later in walks Al, I do my usual turn around and head nod, he looks at me and instead of saying "whats up," smiling, and doing his sexy quint back at me like he has for the past month he continues walking to his spot at the table.

One of two things pop into my mind when this happens.

"Damn, why you gotta be such a chick"

and

"Damn, my life is meaningless."

So for the next ten minutes I sulk a little bit. Get into my emo state of mind. Draw continuously on my hands and arms, I really like this barb wire look I have goin on, and then I just snap out of it. Because there is no need for me to be sad about this. Not over a boy. Not over a girl. Not over a so-called-friend. I have more important things to worry about, like figuring out how I failed my art history quiz.

So after that brief moment of sadness I quickly moved on with my life and began having fun in class again. I mean lets be serious, I'm just too EPIC to stop my life and fret about some random guy I've known for a month. Plus I don't need Al, when I have x!. He's so much more epic anyway.

currently listening to: Thinking of You-Katy Perry