05 August 2009

died.

so this blog is basically over.. its full of nonsense and shit that should have never been told. i met a bunch of people. fell in love with some of them. and now i wish some would just disappear. abracadabra. yeah, they're still here. but i'm not. so this is goodbye, but you can always catch me at my other blog be.kind.cali. theres nothing there but there will be eventually. its all about the new respectable j that mister jace young III made me into these last 8 months. but yeah.

be.kind.cali.

be there before the adventure starts.

26 July 2009

307

these questions comes from robby over at overrated integrity.
How do you define liberty?
liberty is probably a word i've only used in school. it may even be apart of the pledge, but i'm not sure since i haven't said it since graduation. i'm not even sure what the word really means. to me it's just a character on degrassi, something you've probably never heard of. so i took the time to look up the word just to see how webster defines it which basically comes to the condition of being free from restrcition or control. which basically means liberty does not exist. there's no way possible liberty could exist in the modern world, if it did the world would cease to exist. there would be chaos and mass hysteria. so i can't define liberty because i don't think liberty exists.

What purpose do emotional connections have?
i think the only purpose of emotional connections is to make us feel human. to feel like we matter and we're a part of something. they help us feel important. feel needed. they just help us feel. if i didn't have any emotional connections then i don't think life would be worth living. why live if you there's no point. i think these emotional connections give us a reason to live.

Are you an individual archetype, or just a collection of thoughts and impulses?
i'm just a collection of thoughts and impulses. i find myself thinking a lot. 70 percent of the time that's what i'm doing. just thinking. and most of the time its about very random things or about things i can't control. and the other 30 percent of the time its me acting out on these impulses, which inturn makes me think even more. because the impulses are usually not good impulses. i never get the impulse to just clean my room or read a book. its always something like that i shouldn't be doing.

Which is better, pure reason, or conceptual understanding?
conceptual understanding is better at least i think so. you can have a great reason to do something, but if no one understands why you did it then there really wasn't a point to do it. and if it goes horribly wrong then how can we know how to stop it the next time or fix it.

Why do people, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still cling to the bronze age belief in god?
i think its quite simple and obvious while people still believe in "the bronze age" belief in god. and it comes down to three simple thins. they believe, they fear, or they do as they're told. those who bellieve, do just that. they truly believe that god is real and thats all that matters. all the evidence in the world could say that god isn't real, but it wouldn't matter because they just believe. they have faith. then there are those who fear. the fear that there's a chance that god could actually exist, so if they don't believe they fear what may happen at the last judgement. and then there are those who just do as they're told. they were brought up with the belief that god is real, so they believe that. whether they truly believe he's real or not doesn't matter. they were taught to believe so they continue believing it.

How would the world change if we discovered the existence of an intelligent extraterrestrial civilization?
i think earth would implode. i'm pretty sure we would try to attack the extraterrestrial for fear they're gonna attack us and wipe us off first. they're will probably be a wave of suicides and many will say that the end of days are near. but personally, i would be excited about it. i think its stupid for us to think we're the only lifeform in the universe.

Does reality exist apart from your perception of it or is reality defined by your perception?
i think reality is defined by your own perception. cause in my reality god is real but in yours god is just a fictional character. i think people have a standard for what everyones reality should be like and if yours doesn't agree with it then there's something wrong with you. i think everyones reality is slighty different and is shaped by life expriences.

Define good and evil.
i don't think there's a thing as good and evil. there's no one who is truly evil and there is no one that is truly evil. they're just labels people use sometimes. i think the world is just a huge grey area.

Define thought.
thought is the act of thinking.

24 July 2009

306

yay more answers. robby yours are up next, then the rest of aeks and windy's and then there's a few questions that will get their own posts. thats how epic they are. i also have a few of shots i don't have answered also. and after reading through these i didn't answer two of mark's, so if you have any other questions i'd be glad to answer them.

Do you ever want to travel out of the country?
yes i want to travel around the world. if i could find someone who would pay for it then i would never stay in one place. i'm actually thinking about joing the peace corps or something similar when i finish with school.

If so then where are your 5 fave countries?
i wouldn't say these are my favorite five countries but these are the places i want to go to the most. i've always wanted to go to alasksa, but only during one of those 30 days of night periods. i really want to travel to Uganda one day also. its not one of the places you would call beautiful or that you hear about, but its somewhere i feel i need to visit one day and thats thanks to my participation in the invisible children organization. i would love to go to Australia or New Zealand and then somewhere in Asia like Vietnam or Malaysia.

If you could which language would you like to learn most?
i really wanna learn some more sign language. i know the basics and i know the alphabet so i think i'll try and teach myself some more. i'm trying to learn spanish at the moment also. my portuguese sucks but i can hold a decent conversation. so to answer the question i'd go with hmong. i have no clue when i would use it, but yeah. hmong.

Would you consider putting yourself on youtube? Not necessarily dancing just like documenting yourself or something.
yeah, i'm seriously thinking about doing that and slowly moving away from the blog format. maybe document my move from georgia to cali. so i'm pretty sure that i will ut myself and maybe a few of you on youtube one day.

What food would you say you regret eating (knowing you none). If not what's the nastiest thing you've ever tasted?
the nastiest thing i've ever eaten is brocoli. but the one thing i regret eating was the grape juice that turned out to be chocolate milk. the "how" is a longer and embarassing story but that one small carton of choclate milk is the reason i don't like chocolate today. i was traumatized as a child and now i don't eat chocolate.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? (fuckin hardest question ever)
yes it is, and i'm going to make it into a post of its on because i have a few similar questions.

What have you always wanted to learn but never got the chance to?
how to play the guitar and how to draw the perfect eye. i suck at eyes but i'm even worse at noses. i also want to learn how to DJ one day. thats another one of those long lists of hings i wanna be one day.

What X-men power would you want most? (Must actually name the X-man/Marvel character or you can go DC on me.)
DC sucks ass. i don't read their comics. i don't wwatch their shows. i'm a Marvel fan born and bred. and i'm gonna have to go with Rogue. she's always been my favorite X-Men and she now has her powers under control. what more could you ask for?

The Saturday's or Girls Aloud? (Don't answer this.)
how do you ask a question and then say don't answer it. yes my answer is pretty obvious, but i think only two people know how i would answer this. you and shots. so for those who don't know its all about the Saturdays. if you like great pop music then i would definately check out their debut album "Chasing Lights" its one of my favorites.

What's your favorite article of clothing?
it would have to be either athletic shorts or jogging pants. they're just really comfortable and i just feel good when i'm wearing them. i also think the sxiest thing a man could wear is jogging pants.

Do you have a childhood habit that you should have gotten rid of but haven't i.e. sucking your thumb, or carrying a blanky.
i was never a thumb sucker. i never carried a blanket. though my little brother has one and it goes wherever he goes and he's 14 now. so i don't think i have a childhood habit, atleast not one that i remember or one that would be considered bad.

What's the most 10 most played song on you iPod currently?
i actually have a last.fm account that you can look at to see all of my listening habits, but the most played songs on my ipod for the last 3 months are:
  • Blame It On Me by Chrisette Michele
  • When Love Takes Over by David Guetta ft. Kelly Rowland
  • Make Love by Keri Hilson
  • Gibberish by Ryan Leslie
  • Like a Surgeon by Ciara
  • Everytime by Britney Spears
  • Pretty Wings by Maxwell
  • First Love by Adele
  • Papparazzi by Lady GaGa
  • So Good by Day26
3 movies you've never seen but still want to.
fuck this is really hard cause i'm a movie buff and i want to say some classic films that people can go oooh and awww about but nothing is coming to mind. i wish i could say Fight Club but after you suggested it a few months ago i downloaded it, and its one of my favorites now. so i guess i'll go with Inglorius Bastards because i love anything Tarantino and he's the reason i want to become a director. the Veronica Mars movie because i love Kristen Bell and thats one of my favorite tv shows of all time. and lets go with Iron Man 2 or Spiderman 4, because i feel like these three movies basically sum me up as a person. Tarantino, Veronica Mars, and comic books. thats basically me.

How important is sex to you in a relationship? Will it make or break it?
this is a tough one. i've never been in a relationship without sex. all of my relationships started with sex and evolved into something more, but sex doesn't make or break a relationship for me. if i don't have that emotional connection then there will come a point where i'll get bored and will probbaly just stop having sex with the said person.

J. Lo's ass or Kim Kardashian's?
j.lo doesn't have an ass anymore. and i don't understand the whole obsession with kim kardashian. i'd take khloe anyday, she actually has a personality. but for the sake of the question i'd take jennifer lopez with or without the booty.

3 must see shows or one's that you're really into.
i'll just go with shows that are currently on tv or will be in the foll. i love anything joss whedon does and if you haven't seen Dollhouse on Fox then you're missing out on great television. i'm also a die hard Heroes fan. i've stuck with it since day one, and its gotten good again. and since i'm a reality tv buff i'm gonna have to say Tiny & Toya. i'm sure mark is the only person who reads this blog that knows what i'm talking about. but foreveryone else just turn to BET on Tuesday's at 9.

What would be your favorite weather conditions? The type that you go out and say it's a beautiful day.
i'm sure a lot of people will read this and be like "what a weird kid he is" but the perfect weather conditions for me would be a rainy day. i'm an aquarius and i love water. i'm afraid of big puddles of water like pools and oceans, but i love rain. a stormy day is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. its just so calming if you just take the time to appreciate it. plus i grew up in the country and i like to run barefoot in the rain.

If you could choose a desk job or school which would you choose?
i don't think i've ever told anybody this online or even thought about talking about this. but i've always wanted to be a math teacher. i love math with a passion. and thought seriously about becoming a math teacher when i got my scholarship because it would allow me to go and get my doctorate or doctoral degree in education. so i would definately choose a job at a school over a desk job. even though i would be a dope secretary.

21 July 2009

305

my cousin knows i'm gay. i kinda figured she did after she kept stealing my phone which had some questionable photos. no penises, i deleted all of those, but a few topless guys could be found on my phone. damn that asian blogger and his need to show off.

but either way she knows. and i figured she knew a while back and i know my family. they're the type to hold onto information until they see a chance to use it and hurt you the most. and thats what my cousin is doing. but she confirmed the fact she knew i was gay yesterday during an argument we were having. so now i'm preparing for my life to self destruct in three

two

one

either way i'm okay. she knows i'm gay. oh well. i'm MUTHAFUCKIN J. and i know things. things she doesn't know. things she doesn't want to know. tings that will fuck with her mind. but yeah, i guess my secrets out.

currently listening to Song and Cry by Jaydiohead

19 July 2009

304

i did a post earlier, but i'm bored now and figured i could knock out a few more questions. the first few were a little more sexually oriented and i figured i should balance that out with some light hearted questions and maybe some thought provoking ones, because i'm not all about sex. i haven't had sex in thirty days so i think someone should buy me a drink to celebrate(i don't drink but i love mountain dew).

from shots
if u could be another race would u?
i wouldn't want to be another race. i'm glad i'm black and not the stereotypical one at that. but i wouldn't mind being biracial maybe that mix would make my skin lighter so i could finally get a white ink tattoo.
if the world was gonna end but you could save 5 ppl, who would those 5 be?
i'm gonna assume that i'm not included in these five people that i can save. so i would have probably save
  • my mom
  • my OB
  • britney spears
  • taeyang
  • the smartest person in the world
i would save my mom because she's my mom. and no matter how much i don't like her i still lover her unconditionally. i would save my OB because i woulld need someone to vent to and someone who can keep me in check. i would save britney spears because she fuckin britney. plus we would have to repopulate the world somehow and she seems to be very fertile. i was torn between her and octomom, but britney won out. taeyang is for the OB, bu ti also like eye candy. and the smartest person in the world for the simple fact that he/she should know how to restart the world if it should end.

how many kids, boys/girls would u like to have one day?
for some reason i really wanna have eight kids. i don't really care how many boys or girls i have, but i really want eight. J and Jay plus 8 for the win!!!

would u rather lose ur taste buds or loose ur sense of smell?
i would rather lose my sense of smell. life isn't worth living if i can't taste my avorite foods. the sense of smell would be the first thing i would give up. next would be touch, then the ability to hear, then taste, and sight would be last.

if u could be in any movie, wut movie would u be?
i would have to be in some Quentin Tarantino movie. I just love anything he does and he's the reason i decided when i was thirteen that i wanted to become a director one day.

would u be a drag queen for a night and perform for a crowd if u got paid $300?
that seems a little cheap so i would say no.

if u had to get a tattoo, wut would it be of and where would u get it?
i would get the tattoo on my left had wrist. i've said this since i was eleven that i wanted a tattoo on my left hand wrist, but i still don't know what. i've thought about several things and even designed a few pieces and the ones that keep popping up revolve around 11:11 or a film strip of some sort.

meet britney spears and spend a whole day with her or win $5,000?
i thought about this for a long time since i saw you asked the question and i think i would have to spend the day with britney. that day would last longer than the the money.

if u can bring Danity Kane back together would u? and wut would u change about them this time? ex. give one singer more lines or less lines or tell one singer not be such an attention whore

if i could i would definately bring them back together. aubrey is not an attention whore and i don't think she's the reason they broke up. the only thing i would change is the fact that they were signed to bad boy. had they been on any other label they would still be together right now churning out great albums. danity kane was too much of a success to just be disbanded.

currently listening to Sucka 4 Love by Danity Kane

303

i'm switching things up for the next few weeks. instead of talking about all the depressing times in my life i'm just gonna answer the questions a few people submitted. after i make the move to cali then i'll go back to the regular format. so if you have any other questions don't be afraid to submit them.

these questions come from windy city

why this stupid ask me a question list?
for the simple fact that my life has been depressing the past few weeks, and my love for blogging has been waning for a few weeks. so this is the easiest way to keep me in the blogging world, but also a way to let people get to know me a little better.

have you ever been paid for sex?
for me the definition of sex is anything with penetration so i wouldn't include oral sex if someone asked me if i had sex. so i've never been paid for sex. but i have been paid to give a guy a blowjob. i didn't ask for the money, but he gave it to me anyway. i think i blogged about it back in december. i never spent the money and i think i ended up giving it to some homeless guy, because i felt dirty and cheap afterwards.

have you ever paid for ssex?
i've never paid for sex. i'm way too cheap to do that.

who's your favorite porn star?
i'm not really big on studio porn but if i had to choose i like diesel washington and a few of the guys from the active duty stuff. mostly cole and damien.

who have you fucked that you won't admit to?
there's only one person that i've had sex with that i will never admit to anyone about. i'm not embarassed that we had sex and i'm not ashamed of the fact either. it was during high school and some of the best sex i've ever had, but to this day i've never told anyone about it.

Have you ever fingered yourself?
i've fingered myself a few times. its one of those rites of passage you have to do at least once in your life as a gay teen. its like riding a bike, if you don't try it then how do you know if you like it or not.

Do you own any sex toys?
i'm embarassed to admit this but i do own one sex toy. i got it late one night when i was coming from wal-mart and i noticed this sex store so i decided to stop in and take a look around. i was kinda disappointed in the sex shop, but that didn't stop me from buying a dildo. so thats my only sex toy, and i've had it for about four or five months now, but i'm embarassed to admit to that. DONT JUDGE ME.

Have you ever eaten your own cum?
i've tasted my cum twice. both times were by accident and unexpected, but it wasn't a bad thing. but i have this mental block that stops me from trying to taste my cum again, something in my mind just won't let me taste it so i don't know what it taste like now. and i guess the same thing can be same about swallowing other guys. i can't remember the last time i swallowed a guy, because i use to be crazy about that.

Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?
to my knowledge i've been videotaped three times. none of these tapes exist anymore because i destroyed all of them in my attempt to become a respectable young man that my moms and this guy i was crushing on could be proud of. i think i've blogged about one of the times i not all three on the blog, but i'll have to go back and check.

Have you ever had group sex?
i've experienced group sex on several occasions. i don't see anything wrong with it and i've had fun each time i was apart of it. back in high school there were a few threesomes i was aprt of with A and one of his friends, and then there was that one night that ended up being recorded between me, Rick, and the lovely Julio.

i think i'll end the questions here for the moment. if theres anything you want to know just ask, i'll answer them as honestly as i can.

currently listening to Exceptional by JoJo

17 July 2009

302

when asked the question if you could change anything about yourself what would it be, most people say i would change nothing. i like who i am. its me. and everytime i think to myself why must they lie. the same goes for the question, is there anything in your life you regret. saying no, is a typical answer. yet its usually a lie.

i fall victim to this. we all have at one point in our life. i do it everyday. everyday i wake up and tell myself i'm okay. and for the most part i am, but there are those moments where life is just meaningless. the sun isn't as bright as it usually is. and i just feel blank. empty of emotions with one lingering thought in my head.

if i could change anything about myself or about my life i wouldn't. but truthfully speaking i would change a lot. i would change the fact that i was molested as a child. i would change the fact that i didn't have a father growing up. i would change the fact that i will never be truly honest open with anyone, because they're are just some things i'm afraid to let people i care about know. i would change the fact that i love to easily. i would change the fact that i'm honestly lost in this world, and don't know what i want. i sit and watch television shows and movies where the main character's biggest proble is the fact that his/her family has "a plan" for them. they usually hate this plan and want nothing to do with it, but i envy them. i wish someone had my entire life planned out for me. because for the last nineteen years i've lived a life full of impulses. some good and some bad.

do i regret anything i've done in my life. probably not, but if i did i'd regret everytime i gave into that impulse to drop to me knees. to open my mouth. or to spread my legs.

life sucks sometimes, but you just have to deal with it.

my father told me something once. i was six years old and was crying. he saw the tears roll down my face and started screaming at me as he forcibly took his t-shirt that i was wearing. "real men don't cry J. aint no son of mine gone be a pussy and cry. take my damn shirt off. you aint no marine man, take my damn shirt off boy. you betta learn how to deal with shit cause it aint gone get no better. and aint no son of mine gone run around here and cry. you betta deal with this shit."

currently listening to Smashing Pumpkins

12 July 2009

301

i'm depressed as fuck. so i'm taking a break. i still need 280 more questions. its the only way to guarantee my return.

see you guys soon

300

i need 300 questions. ask me anything. but ask me NOW. if not here then email me please or message me. southern.inebriation@live.com

currently listening to Give It To Me Right by Melanie Fiona

11 July 2009

i wish...

...i could lay next to you.
...i could tumble every moment i think of you.
...i could get rid of this feeling.
...i wasn't pushing myself away from you.

just some wishful thinking i needed to get out of my system. but for some reason i suddenly feel depressed now. mostly because i'm thinking of you. i don't even know what this feeling is. i just know i felt the same thing for three months when i was obsessing over Al. the only way to describe it is it feels like a whale being pushed into a small can, while a war is going on in the background. i can't think clearly. i'm not motivated to do anything. my heart feels like its about to explode, my chest is cloudy, and my head feels like someone is constantly pounding it on the ground like they're trying to break open a piggybank.

if it wasn't for the miraculous return of mark and the EPIC, gut-busting makeup sex with robby i probably would've disappeared by now.
currently listening to Have You Ever by Brandy

BUT YEAH,

i guess my next post is the big 300. thought about doing something special and i still might, but i probably won't. but i've finally decided that i'm gonna do the "where you blog" game thats been floating around like wildfire. i've been tagged three times so i guess i have no choice.

07 July 2009

bastard

i feel like being random right now and revealing my favorite word of all time. if you haven'r guessed yet, its bastard. but i'm not allowed to say it at home. and i don't ever say the word. when i'm bored i usually scream out you bastard, or fuckin' bastard or some variation of that. i also get in bastard fights with my little brother from time to time. i think the word means someone wihout a father or someone who doesn't know who their father is. correct me if i'm wrong though. but yeah, i love the word bastard, but i never say it.

it makes me happy.

currently calling the financial aid office, they keep ignoroiong my calls tho.

06 July 2009

faceless

my heart hurts and my hands are shaking. i take a moment to try and stop, but nothing works. the deep breaths of the past fail me. i can no longer breathe. concentration doesn't work, because all i think about is you, the faceless guy i met on the street that cold summer's day.

i was goin through some old notebooks today and i found this paragraph in one of them i wrote. i dated this paragraph 7.01.04. fourteen was a weird year for me. a lot of things began happening around that time. but i can still relate to the emotions i wrote in that paragraph today. my heart actually is hurting right now, and my hands were shaking. they've sopped now. so its just weird that today when i was going through old notebooks of writings, drawings, and algebra homework i stopped on this page with this paragraph.

i think i'll finish this story soon.
currently watching Bonanza

i fail...


....fore he is the galaxy, and i'm just a lowly star.

currently watching Independence Day

04 July 2009

six in the morning epiphanies

i'm tired of falling in love with people that are unavailable. emotionally, physically, and mentally.

i also miss robby. can't help but feel like if i would have let you apologize when you wanted that you'd still be around. i don't know why, but i always fel like if there was anyone that i could tell something to it was you. i never felt like you ever judged me. i guess thats why i miss you, because there's some shit i need to ge off my chest and i don't have anyone to tell it to. oh well, if you're reading this i miss you. atleast you pretended like i had a chance, he he.

i'm also an ass. and i'm sleepy. and i have anger issues. and i los my inside voice when i moved to savannah. and i really don't like my little cousins. and my family is stupid. and my favorite cousin is probably gonna die, because he's a stupid 17 year old boy. and he's probably gonna die, and people are gonna be all sad, and i'm just gonna go on with my life like nothing has even happened. because i'm cold, and detached from my family, and i don't deal with death well.

and i miss robby. where are you yeezy?

and you should probably disregard this entire post. but i am tired of falling in love. maybe i'm the fool. maybe i'm the stupid one for believeing in love and all these other idealistic things. maybe i'm just a lie and the truth you spoke to me, was reality. either way i wish that childish, naive part of me that believes in fairy tales, and happy endings, and love, and all that mushy stuff would just die. cause i'm tired of laying awake at night dreaming. i don't wanna do it anymore. i wanna sink back down to reality. life was easier then when i didn't care. i'm tired of caring. why can't i say something mean without feeling like a stoopid fuck. why can't i be that person. why.

i don't sleep anymore. i can't do it. because i'm usually preocupied with thoughts of you, or him, or her. i had a dream about you last night. it was weird. i remember being someplace and looking up and there you were. staring down at me smiling. and then i woke up.

currently listening to Dance, Dance, Dance on My Face by Lykke Li

i also feel like i should mention i havent had sex in ten/eleven days. thats a long time for me. i need to disappear for a bit.....but i won't. oh yeah, hi mark, i miss you too.

02 July 2009

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

what kind of fuckery is his. do i give off some kind of scent. is it the pheromones. what the fuck is it. why are all the people i like in my fuckin life fuckin LACTOSE INTOLERANT. what kind of fuckery is that. i love my milk. i drink it on the regular. i love my pizza. i love my double cheeseburgers. i love my lasagna. i just love a fuckin cold glass of milk, but i can't have it. because everyone i like is fucking LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

bestfriend #4-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
bestfriend # 5-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
K-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
CUMMY-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
and now YOU

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

i give up on life. i'm gonna go join a convent with the nuns.

currently listening to Scream by Michael Jackson ft. Janet Jackson

01 July 2009

you disappoint me

"hi," i said.

"hi," he replied.

"i'm J. i figured if x! liked you, you couldn't be too bad of a guy. plus i just read your comment about how no one talks to you on msn, so i figured why not."

"heheehehe...so x told you about me then, eh?"

"yeah, i asked him who you were cause i had a compulsion to become a headhunter and come find you, but luckily he told me not to cause you're his drill sergeant. so i said cool. he can live."

"what you mean by headhunter? x is a chill dude...quite unique."

"its a professional assasin, and yeah. he is, i've come to know that the past few months."

"southern inebriation, eh? where u located?"

"georgia, athens at the moment."

"cool, savannah here."

"thats crazy, my mom moved there after i graduated to live with my aunt."

"small world..."

and it really is. that first conversation still stands out in my mind. i've talked to many people online but most of them end within a day of two of chatting, but i knew from that conversation that we had a connection. you were a cool guy. had an interesting perspective on life. and you kept me laughing. you were a keeper. and i enjoyed our conversations.

we discussed everything from how x stole my word epic and how you picked it up and continue to use it as your own. to the fact that you're only out to one person in real life and how you told him in a foreign language, infront of a group of friends, but only you and him spoke the language. this was also during the time when i had an epic beard and i was Rick Ross, and not yet Kanye West. i liked you back then, but now i'm not so sure.

you disappoint me. because with all the knowledge and the truth you claim to have you still don't realize when to stop. you said a lot of things tonight and at first it was funny, funny ha ha look at the crazy drunk, but after a while it stopped being funny. you repeatedly said "u dont kno me" and you were completely right. everything i thought i knew about you was a lie, and if there's one thing i've learned from my dealings with K, when she drinks and gets in that frame of mind, its that...

a drunk never lies.

so i'm glad i know how you really feel about me now. it hurts, but i deserve it because i'm a bitch ass nigger that goes to fucking artschool and should get back on welfare. your words. i just hope you finally realize that you need help. if that means losing your job, then so be it. because from everything you said, and from what i gathered, your job is a major part of why you're so fucked up now. maybe its time to find something new. find a place where you're happy. cause no matter how stupid or naive you say i am, i can say i'm happy with myself.

can you say the same thing?

currently listening to Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

30 June 2009

housing

i need a place to stay in LA when i move in August. Any suggestions?

currently listening to Wake by the Antlers

true believers

religion is a tough thing for me. i was raised to believe in God. i was also raised to be Christian. but somewhere around the age of eleven there was a disconnect. i started noticing my surroundings and there were littlethings that didn't feel right. things that didn't seem to be "christian" so i stopped going to church.

i'm at the stage where i'm starting to ask questions. and seek out the answers.

i had a two hour discussion with a european guy today about religion and god. i just wish i could sit down with a preacher or someone to just ask some questions, because some things just don't sit right with me. there are aspects of the Christian faith that make me...uncomfortable.

"are you a believer" he asked.

"in what?"

"in god"

" i don't know really," i relpied. "i'm at this point where i'm starting to ask questions."

"this universe is not running by itself, so it has to be god."

"okay...maybe buddha's running it."

he then proceded to laugh out loud before he gave a smug reply of "i think its a little bigger than buddha," and continued his laughing.

"i'm being serious, there are so many religions in the world does that mean that your religion is the only real one. if so does that mean that the rest of the world is doomed to hell?"

" i think so" he said, and i sat in silence for a few seconds.

and this is why i have a problem with religion. the fact that there are billions of people in the world that don't believe in god. they believe in their own religion and their own god, whomever or whatever it may be. that these people could be the most loving and giving people in the universe, with their only fault being their religion. and because they believe in something or someone else, they're doomed to spend an eternity in pain.

this just doesn't sit well with me. it makes me uncomfortable.

currently listening to Disarm by the Smashing Pumpkins

26 June 2009

childhood 101

this is why i love hulu, because they put random things up on there. its five in the morning but i refuse to go to sleep without watching this. this is my whole childhood defined in one movie. damn i miss being seven years old again. i use to have this on VHS and then the little brother was born and ripped the film strip out of the VHS. at least now i have hulu so i can watch it over and over and over.

he's the galaxy...


...and i'm just a lowly star.
sorry, had a self-loathing moment. please forgive me.

currently listening to Genius Next Door by Regina Spektor

24 June 2009

i wish #2

  1. i wish i never started this blog.
  2. i wish i could be 100 percent honest with all of you.
  3. i wish i was in cali now.
  4. i wish you never crashed, i wish i never heard the truth, i wish i never thought you were dead, i wish i never shed that tear.
  5. i wish you weren't pregnant, because you don't need to be. i wish i was there for you right now. i wish i could whisk you away like they do in the fairytales so you would never be hurt. i wish i told you how much i loved you when i had a chance. i wish i fell for you and not her. i wish you would get off that stuff now more then ever, if not for you, then for the baby. i wish i was with you.
  6. i wish it was okay to be gay.
  7. i wish it was okay to be black.
  8. i wish i didn't like the saturdays.
  9. i wish i could be honest with you.
  10. i wish i could see britney live in concert.
  11. i wish you believed i was serious.
  12. i wish these chills would go away.
  13. i wish i could stay sober.
  14. i wish a lot of shit.
  15. i wish i knew what i wanted.
  16. i wish i was with you.
  17. i wish wishes came true.
currently listening to Chills by Fatty Koo

21 June 2009

thanks 4 everything

mother’s day is cool. i can respect that. she carried me for nine months and yada, yada, yada. i’m cool with spending my las twenty dollars on some art suplies for a homemade mother’s day card, scented candles, and some sunflowers but i can’t say the same for father’s day.

but maybe that’s just me and my situation. i’m nineteen and i can count the times i’ve seen my dad on two hands the last ten years. yeah he gave me a car, but he also surprised me with the fact that i have a ten year old sister. and i’m still waiting to be told about the little brother he’s still hiding from me.

so while everyone else is having a wonderous father’s day just remember that i’ll be suffering through an awkward 30 minute conversation with my father that my grandmother either a. guilt tripped me into or b. bribed me into. the conversation will last thirty awkward minutes because my father will want to catch up on the happeneings of my life. but all i really wanna say is Happy Father’s Day and thank you for not pulling out.

currently listening to High Price by Ciara featuring Ludacris

20 June 2009

all she has to do is ask

my mom just told me to pack my shit and go to americus to stay with my father. i replied, i've been with you my whole life, why would i leave now. she said go. i said fuck that, i aint goin nowhere. and im not. i don' respond to yelling, so if she wants me to leave all she has to do is ask. and i will. i'll pack my shit. head to athens. pick up my television and my fridge and be on my merry way. and she'll never have to see me again. its that simple.

all she has to do is ask. and now my father's day post is fucked up, which is what you'll see tomorrow.

currently listening to sometime by britney spears

i wish

so i'm probably gonna do this every week. i might even just make this into an i wish blog since all i seem to do is wish for shit that will never happen. so here's i wish #1, you can thank x for this.

J says:
so
talk to me x
tell me something
xzero! says:
i am worrie
*worried
i wish i was with my friends
i wish i had my own room
i wish i had cash
a job
i wish i had a boyfriend
J says:
i wish i had a bed to sleep in
i wish i had two contacts to use instead of one
i wish i didnt know what love was
i wish my ear wasn't bleeding
xzero! says:
i wish i had good sex
tonight
i wish i knew HE was okay
instead of a certain one saying that if wasnt, he would enjoy it
J says:
i wish the good days outnumbered the bad days and the interesting days
i wish the one i loved loved me back
i wish
xzero! says:
i wish i had a fuckin uncle nephew sitaufuckination
I WISH J WOULD REALIZE THAT I LOVE HIM
I WISH DAFT PUNK HAD MORE THAN ONLY GOOD THREE SONG
J says:
i wish i believed that
i wish i could believe the truth
xzero! says:
i wish i could find love
J says:
i wish love would find u
xzero! says:
;_;
i got homies in the end
still so lonely
J says:
i wish kanye would have never wrote heartless
i wish it didnt remind me of her
xzero! says:
i wish it didnt remind me of deadeyes
J says:
i wish i wasnt a dumb, jealous fuck
xzero! says:
i wish ZIPLOCK would love me
J says:
i wish i wasn't damaged goods
xzero! says:
i wish i wasnt a virgin
i wish i was straight
J says:
i wish i was a virgin
i wish i didnt have a daddy complex
i wish i didnt have a mommy complex
i wish i could sleep at night
i wish i could fuckin sleep
i wish he never touched me
i wish i never touched him back
xzero! says:
i think i am going to make an I wish blog
and i wish you would do one too
J says:
i will
xzero! says:
so we can be the same
i wish you would call it
i wish
like i will
J says:
i wish u didnt make me laugh
xzero! says:
i wish you wouldn't laugh when I dont try to be funny
J says:
i wish i didnt like u
xzero! says:
i wish -- WHOA CALM DOWN THERE
J says:
i wish wishing was a sin
xzero! says:
*making the blog
J says:
FUCK x FUCK
xzero! says:
FUCK J FUCK
currently listening to Cancer by My Chemical Romance

19 June 2009

cali

i went fish shopping today and narrowed it down to two fishes. a big black one that looks like one of the fishes from Finding Nemo, and a really big goldfish. i don't know if i'm gonna get either but i'd be happy with one of them. i'm gonna wait a week before i buy the fish and look for something more exotic.
currently listening to Weak by SWV

18 June 2009

how come i cant, miss a woman like i cant miss courtdates

i have a problem. two problems to be exact. maybe three, but really just two.

  1. sex
  2. guys
  3. im stoopid
one.

i like sex. maybe more than i should. a lot more than i should. but i like it and would go as far as saying i love sex. i didn't eat today but i had sex. and there's the problem. how can i give up a great meal for some okay sex? or even some great sex?1 it just doesn't make since, but in the mind of J it does. i have a problem with sex.

two.

i like guys. but never the ones i should. i always like the ones i shouldn't like. i also have an affinity for drug dealers. don't ask me why. most of the guys i've been with were drug dealers. i don't do drugs just so you know. the guy i've been chillin' with for the last two days is a drug dealer. he's also "straight" and has a babymoms and a daughter that he lives with. but for the last two days he's been wih me. and thats the problem.

three.

i'm stoopid. i even spell he word wrong on purpose because i'm stoopid. i don't know why people swear i'm smart. they also think i'm good with computers but i don't know shit about computers. but i am stoopid and i realized how stoopid i am the last two days. i always find myself in these situations. all these situations can be avoided, but i always dive head first into these situations.

so while i was sitting in my car tonight in the midst of one of these situations i started thinking. but then i stopped. i didn't wanna think i wanted to talk to someone and get their take on the situation. i called shots, got a voicemail. called k, no answer. and then i said fuck it and started talking to myself. basically yelling at myself for being a stoopid, dumb fuck2. and during the conversation i came to the conclusion that i have three problems.
  1. sex
  2. guys
  3. stupidity
and the only solution is to stop. no more sex3. no more guys4. no more being stoopid5.

currently listening to Every Girl by Young Money

1. i mean my shit is on some EPIC shit. jus ask ya dads.

2. i had this same conversation the night before with myself, x, and S. somehow x convinced me i wasn't stoopid. too bad he was wrong.
3. i've said this before. and i'll probably say it again. i can go a week, maybe 2 but i have a plan. everytime i get the urge to have sex i'll just go workout or jerk. simple enough.
4. i'm making one maybe two exceptions. i'm currently in a relationship, kinda. but he's in mexico. if he comes back then i will sex him up and see him on a daily basis. i also gave up vagina a few weeks back. so i think giving up guys shouldn't be too hard.
5. i know these situations are stoopid. the voices in my head tell me they are, but i do them anyway. so i just have to start trusting my instincts.

16 June 2009

imma fuck the world, but this is foreplay

i'm sorry i assume all guys enjoy gay sex. i'm sorry. thats just how my mind works. i'm sorry i mistook your glances at me as foreplay. what the fuck was i thinking when i caught you looking at me looking a you? i'm sorry that i was bored and thought you wanted to play. it happens to the best of us sometimes, and today jus wasn't my day. but i'm really sorry at he fact that you were secure enough in your sexualliy that my advances at you were welcomed with a smile and an introducion to the woman sitting beside you. i just hope your girl can work out all those insecurities she has within herself and her relationship, because the way she stormed out reminded me of my 5 year old cousin.

but i'm still sorry.

currently lisening to 25 Reasons by Nivea

14 June 2009

im black, so you know i got skills



i don't know if i've ever talked about this, but i use to rap. i have a pretty sick flow if i say so myself. i even have a rap name. i actually have two different rap names because i was in two different rap groups. neither one got off the ground. neither one was too serious. mostly for fun. one was jazzy j (don't ask why, its not important but i think it has something to do with the fresh prince). the other was upperkase. or upperKase with the k backwards. i think my former best friend came up with this name. he was also the guy that taught me the first 8 notes of hey there delilah.

but yeah, thought i'd mention it since i just wrote a sick 16 bars over some random song i just found. everyone can thank shots for this, because he had to be CHEESY and quote some lame ass rap song in the previous post which in turn got stuck in my head and prevented me from sleeping which in turn made me surf the web until i found something that could get the other song out of my head which i eventually found and then in turn got so inspired by it, because i'm not your boyfriend, and felt i could relate to the topic and spit some knowledge over it. if we're all lucky i'll try and record it in my father's studio while i'm visiting him over the next two days.

wish me luck. haven't spent this much time with the father since i was...six, maybe seven, but probably eleven.

currently listening to I'm Not Your Boyfriend, Baby by 3OH!3

drowning

i'm afraid of water. i'm an aquarius and i'm afraid of water. big ponds. small oceans. even lakes. i'm also afraid of heights. but the thing i'm most afraid of is the future. mostly because i'm afraid of death. i just can't handle it. i've never been to a funeral in my life. and i've only been to a cemetary three times. the last time i went i was nine. i'm nineteen now.

i believe a god. i don't believe in religion. i don't believe in hell. but i wanna believe in heaven. but the whole idea of living forever in this otherworld sounds like hell to me. i just feel like i would get bored. and in this heaven will i get to meet everyone that has ever died. will i be drinking mamossas with MLK? slow grinding with Aaliyah? or just relaxing with my grandmoms? the whole concept really confuses me, but i wanna believe. i need to believe. i have to believe. but i don't think i can. i need a religion. i need something to believe in, but i feel the little religion i had is slipping out the window and today was the first day i said i don't belive in God out loud.

i said it twice.

i feel like i'm drowning...

currently listening to Let Me by Pleasure P

13 June 2009

twenty

warning: this post contains a bunch of nonsense, bullshit, and is basically filler. but its 3 in the morning so what do you really expect from me. something EPIC? sorry to disappoint, but i don't start to function until after 2 pm.

i don't wanna be twenty. i don't wanna be twenty. i don't want to be twenty. twenty is just another meaningless year. why can't i just skip to twenty-one and call year twenty a wash. i still have seven months left in year nineteen, but i'd rather just skip twenty and make it to twenty-one. things should be better then. things will be better then.

also my body is soar. don't ask why because i can't tell you why. it would ruin the boy next door, good boy, respectable facade i've been portraying since sunday. i read books now. i also read comics more so than books, but books nonetheless. i learned a new way to use epic, its called epochal and i think its an adjective. i learned it while reading.

i'm still jobless. it took me an hour to realize my lip was bleeding, but its good now. i got a haircut today and had an epiphany i really wanna date a barber. so my list is this:

  1. barbers
  2. mexicans
  3. chicks with purple hair
  4. a couple of bloggers
  5. everyone else
i have to stop saying UGH in msn conversations, cause two people i talk to on a daily basis don't like the word. oh i forgot to add military men named robby to the list, he's in the top three though. which reminds me my dad was in the marines, my uncle is in the army, and my brother is in the air force. oh and my friends moms was in the navy, but thats a bit of a stretch. i prefer being boyfriend number 2.

that was a joke. and i think thats all i have on my mind at the moment. oh. i miss robby. i also miss mark or scared triumph! or whatever his name is now. i get confused at times. i'm easily confused. and i forget things. but i haven't lost my car all summer so i think i deserve some kind of prize. and in a perfect world the orlando magics would pull the upset of the century out there ass and win the nba finals winning the next three games. is it possible? in a perfect world, yes. in my head, absolutely. in reality, not likely.

and one more thing i was never a big fan of football. growing up in the south its kinda shoved down your throat. growing up in a small town, its even worse. if you've ever seen friday night lights(the tv show or the movie) then that's basically my home town. but i was always partial to brett farve. he was always my hero. but i fuckin hate his ass now. why you ask. well its quite simple. he keeps pulling these michael jordans and unretiring, but i swear if he unretires again and joins the vikings i promise to all of you i will stab him in his trachea and cut off both of his arms.

that is all.

currently listening to Under by Pleasure P

09 June 2009

zack attack



i miss the 90s. oh yeah, screech will never do the reunion, but im okay with that.

currently listening to Friends Forever by the Zack Attack

another complication pt. 2

so i graduate from high school. i'm finally over K. she's still in the middle of all the drama that became her life after people found out she had an affinity for chicks. she moves away for the summer and i regroup with a set of friends i hadn't talked to since sophomore year. i also started playing tennis again. so did all the other black kids in cow city, ga. coincidence? i think not.

i hadn't seen or talked to PH after he graduated and went off to college, but one day he ended up at the tennis courts while i was there. the first few times we just gave each other a few side eyes. then we exchanged words. and then we finally played a match of tennis. i don't know if anyone else could feel the animosity between us, but the tennis match was more than just a match. i wasn't the best, but i played my ass off and got a few aces. PH, well he just sucked but it was a good match. i won. he lost. and we left it at that. we shook hands. and went our separate ways.

and that was the end of me and PH until earlier this year. somehow we started trading facebook messages and started back talking. he even asks about me whenever he and K talk every blue moon. but what really got me thinking is because last night i found myself talking to him and well, i kinda think he was hitting on me. BUT I COULD BE WRONG. it could all be in my head, but i don't think it was.

  1. we talked for about a hour and a half, and he didn't want me to leave. the only people i've ever had that long of a conversation with is K and shots. i don't generally like talking to people but i didn't mind talking to him.
  2. he seemed upset when i told him i was in florida and he didn't get to see me
  3. he told me next time i'm in cow city, ga and he's there i should stop by his place
  4. he kept making bj references and jokes
these are just some of the things that make me believe he was flirting with me, and while i thought i was just being myself with him i think i was flirting with him too. and i was flirting hard. and i guess the fact that i know he's good and bed and i already know he's well endowed doesn't hurt either. either way if i ever had the chance to really experience PH i think i would have to pass. k would woop my ass if she found out and i don't need any other complications before i head to cali.

currently listening to Dearjohn by Musiq Souldchild

08 June 2009

another complication

why won't they just let me be great? after everything from the previous post about the uncle and the nephew i thought things would slow down. but now there's a new complication, that could all just be in my head. but i don't think it is. but there's this guy...

lets call him T. no, lets be a little more creative. lets call him PHONE HOME or PH. i went to high school with PH. i met him my freshman year in honors physical science. i walked in the classroom on the first day and there he was. sitting alone in a desk across the room. he was an unusual face. had never seen him before in my life, but i sat by him anyway. K walked in next and she joined us.

PH was a grade above me and K and had just moved here from Florida. he was a cool guy. he was smart. he was funny. and i always called him a poor man's version of me. for the simple fact that he was black, smart, and funny. and in my hometown not many guys fit the bill for that. but we all got along perfectly. i think he picked up on the fact that i was still catching feelings for K. and the fact that we constantly flirted and felt on each other didn't discourage that, but i could also tell that he liked K--there are just things i know. and this was one of them--but even with this knowledge me and K still felt he could be gay. he was skinny and lanky. and he just had these moments where he was a little suspect. so we always assumed that maybe he was gay. which is funny now that K is out and i'm here on southern inebriation and intoxicated resonace(shameless plug) typing about my life.

to this day i still don't know how it happened or when it happened, but PH and K ended up hooking up and becoming official. it kinda shocked me, because one day she was dating this guy and then the next she's fucking PH. the details of their relationship is still fuzzy to this day, but one thing is certain. PH is both the beginning and the end of me and K. it began the hot and heavy phase of me and K's relationship, but it was also the end of that emotional connection we had had since sixth grade. nobody came out of this relationship unscarred. i lost a best friend. K lost a soul mate. and PH lost something, i don't know we kinda stopped talking during this. besides the snide "thats why i'm fuckin yo girl" comment we would trade back and forth we didn't speak to each other unless K made us.

the one thing i know for certain is PH is the only guy K has ever loved. she loves me, but not the way i loved her or she loves him. whatever they had was special. i've seen K in relationships before and she never gave her all. she was in most of them for one reason, and it wasn't love. but with PH it was different. she loved him, and when they broke up i don't think she ever healed. we were talking a few days ago about how much everything is changing and how shit was so much simpler when we were younger and she admitted to me that she still loves PH.

problem is PH has a girlfriend now. and i think he just hit on me.

currently listening to You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

07 June 2009

circle k

i'm a weird kid. it use to bother me when people would call me weird, but now i'm okay with that, because nobody is normal. and normal is just some idea people spread around to make people conform. there's nothing wrong with conforming, but i don't wanna conform to being normal especially since i'm black. because being a normal black kid would mean i would be out selling drugs. maybe have a gun on me. and have a few kids that i don't see ever see. so yeah, i'm weird. but im okay with that.

one of the side affects of my weirdness is i get overly excited about simple things. and lately that means jumping up with glee and receiving a few side eyes from my moms and brother when i find a circle k. so far i've found three, but i still haven't been in one yet. i almost went in one today, but didn't. i kinda wanna wait til i get to cali and go in one, plus x owes me some pitas.


currently listening to Testimonial(Intro) by Diddy

06 June 2009

real men have big feet

my feet are big. like freakishly long for some odd reason. i wore a 12 when i was eleven. so the whole "act your age not your shoe size" stopped applying to me when i turned 9, because i wore a size 10 in shoes. nowadays im relegated to a size 16. and for some reason shoe companies just don't make sizes about 14, and thats if you're lucky. so i'm basically fucked for the rest of my life.

i've been wearing the same pair of k.swiss' for the last two years. one in white. and one in black. im not complaining or anything. they get the job done, but some days i just wanna throw on a pair of kicks and walk down the road knowing that my feet are fresh to death. is that too much to ask for?

i'm not usually a fan of high top shoes but these supras are calling my name. im seriously thinking about cutting off my toes and praying to god that i can fit in them, because they come in a size 15. i mean there's hope that they run big and my feet can fit in them right?
i even like the purple ones, which happens to be the color of my alma mater. but they only come in a 13, so there's no hope here.


im not big on colors when it comes to shoes, but i wouldn't mind havin one of every color in these blazers. im really feeling the bright blue ones.


and the one thing i've always sworn i would never ever in my life do is where some metallic shoes, BUT i can't help but salivate a little at the mouth while looking at these. too bad i've been cursed with freakishly large shoes.

currently listening to I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas

this post was brought to you by the scared triumph! shoe fund

05 June 2009

email

i need some healthy suggestions on adult oriented email addresses. whenever i apply for a job position i use my UGA email account for one of two reasons.

  1. its basically my name
  2. its a University of Georgia email and i assume that could possibly help me get a job, because people would assume i'm intelligent and hard working
but the email i use for everything else is the product of a twelve year old imagination. and the fact that i was gonna be a world famous musician named lyfe. then out of nowhere lyfe jennings pops up and starts singing songs about being locked up. or maybe that was akon. either way i was lyfe, before lyfe jennings was lyfe.

but at the moment my email address is lyfe255754@gmail.com and i don't see anyone taking me serious with that. i won't even give my friends this email because i'm embarassed by it. so for all the adults out there i need a suggestion for an email, because as of july 1, i won't be able to use my UGA email anymore.

currently listening to Death of the Auto Tune by Jay-Z

i like sex

is that a bad thing? i hope not, but there are some things i need to control. like when i meet a guy that i think i could like. my first impulse cannot be to drop to my knees and open my mouth wide. i don't think my future hubby would appreciate that. but you have to admit, that would be a great story to tell the grandkids.


¿abuelo x, cómo usted y abuelo j se encontraron?

little carlito, i've told you about speaking that foreign talk. grandpa only knows ENGLISH. but the way me and granpa met is kinda compliated. you see, i was walking through circle K looking for some pitas and i tripped over something. i looked down and it was your grandpa, on his knees, in the middle of the aisle, with his mouth wide open. and i knew then that he was the one for me.

i mean that would be a great "how i met your father" story. but like i said, i like sex i just wish i could get it under control more. because i met this guy that i may like. lets call him MOTEL. i think the reason i like him is because we didn't have sex the first time we met. we just made out a lot, and i may have given him a blowjob. all i know is we didn't have sex, and i developed a crush on him that i thought he shared. but either way if he calls me back then thats good, if not. meh.

well motel has an uncle. and he's been staying with this uncle for the summer sorta as a house sitter. here's where the problem comes in. i've had sex with motel's uncle twice now. i met motel's uncle, before i met motel. i don't know whether motel and his uncle know they're both gay or if they both know that i know both of them. i just hope i never get caught in the same place with both of them.

so here's my dilemma.
  • i like motel for all the right reasons, but he doesn't call me
  • i like motel's uncle for all the wrong reasons, but he calls
  • i like sex
if motel calls me, then i'll leave his uncle alone.

currently listening to the E.N.D. by the Black Eye Peas

04 June 2009

writing

i've been writing a lot lately. like every second i'm not out looking for a job or sucking on something. when i was a younger i would write all day. i had notebooks full of the crazy tales i would spin in my head. every week i would write something new, and when i finally got a hold of a computer my fascination with writing grew even more. there was just something about typing on a computer that made me want to write. i blame the colors, because every story i wrote had its on specific color. this is also during the time when blue became my favorite color (i always wanted to be the blue ranger).

the last couple of days things have just been clicking in my head. i've always wanted to write a book, then a comic, and then a manga, but i actually have an idea that i've been working on for a few weeks. i've nailed down a few characters, but i'm still deciding on whether i just want to use the five i have now, or continue with the seven i wanted to do. basically the story is told from each character's perspective, similar to "As I Lay Dying," but stylistically closer to "the House On Mango Street."

i started a blog for it if anyone is interested in reading the first chapter its here.

currently listening to So Far Gone by Drake

03 June 2009

yellow t-shirt

the yellow t-shirt is an actual yellow t-shirt. the front says "a time for change, 94.304" while the back says "celebrating failure while reaching for excellence." i made the shirt with my three closest friends: K, D, and Lush. K is my best friend and my ex, D is my racist friend who knows how to cook, and Lush is my ex enemy that drinks too much. somehow after many years of not liking one another other, senior year somehow brought us together.

school has always been easy for me. i never had to try and never had to study. things just kinda worked out for the best. high school came around and things continued that way. i did well enough to be considered "smart" and they put me on the honors/AP track. i remained in the top ten of my class and just sailed through.

the first two years of high school were weird for me. this was during my emo/rebellious phase and i just didn't have any motivation. in my mind, life was predetermined and as long as i made more good decisions than bad decisions things would work out for the best. i didn't try to get anything i wanted, i just let it come to me and if it didn't then meh. life goes on. this was also during the time when i lost my virginity to A, while still being madly in love with K, so neither of these things helped my outlook on life. but spring semester of sophomore year things started looking up.

i got my first job and i took my first chemistry class. chemistry was like every other class i had taken up to that point, but there was one difference. i loved the teacher. i've had teachers in the past that i grew attached to, but there was just something about this one. maybe it was the fact that she smelled of coffee or the fact that she had a pair of glasses to color coordinate with everything she wore. or maybe it was the fact that i was her favorite--something she wasn't shy about sharing.

but for whatever reason she changed my outlook on a lot of things. she always had an opinion on EVERYTHING, but i always listened to what she had to say. i even listened to her when she gave me my "you're a black man and the world is your oyster speech1." and when we made it to stoichiometry things just started clicking. the only way i can describe it is that i had a moment of clarity, like a light bulb finally came on in my head and i finally said to myself "DAMN, I CAN REALLY DO THIS" and from that moment i knew what i wanted. i wanted to be the salutatorian2 of my graduating class and i knew what i had to do to make this happen.

by this point i was ranked 8th in my class and i would have to work my ass off to get anywhere near the number two spot, but i did it. by senior year i was ranked number 3 in my class and trailed the number 2 by a tenth of a point. i had the best first semester i ever had receiving three one hundreds and the highest grade in my AP Lit class, a 98, and the second semester was no different. i received four one hundreds, but somehow i still didn't become salutatorian.

not only did i not get my sal spot, but half of the people in all my honors/ap class weren't honor graduates, K, D, and Lush included. so after doing a little investigating3 i found out that our gpas weren't weighted as they were suppose to be, and as a result half of my classmates weren't honor graduates and i lost my sal spot to some doe-eyed girl4. i was crushed and reverted back to my freshman self. i gave up on trying, didn't want to be an honor graduate, didn't wanna walk at graduation, i just wanted school to be over with.

this was just a catalyst for the yellow t-shirts, but there were other factors as well.

  1. in my town we have two high schools. the one i went to and then this alternative one. its designed to help students catch up on credits so they can graduate on time. basically there's a teacher in a room full of computers and the student uses the computer to learn all the information. you can finish a course in two to three weeks, and there were a few students who took advantage of this situation and as a result, became honor graduates.
  2. the seniors at this alternative high schooltraveled across the US, while we weren't allowed to leave the state. they went to new york, to washington d.c., grad night at universal studios, and some montain trip.,
  3. we didn't get any senior lunches. the one time we did the group of us who organised it were chastised because we supposedly didn't go through the "proper" channels.
  4. a lot of our money we raised from bake sales, the last four years, for a senior trip went "missing" somewhere between or junior and senior year
  5. we never received our senior breakfast, but the seniors who failed the graduation test5 received one.
  6. i also wore a shirt that said Lush during a picture taken of the honor graduates for the newspaper. i did it because Lush missed becoming an honor graduate by less than a tenth of a point. a few people took offense at my friendly gesture to include Lush in the picture (someway or another) and because of it i was pulled aside by the counselor to have a deep discussion on where my head was.
  7. a few othe rthings happened, but aren't really important
so after all of that, Lush, K, and D decided to make these t-shirts. i was just dragged in at the end of it because i was cheated out of my sal spot. plus they kept with the yellow theme of my Lush shirt. so we all wore the yellow t-shirts to school one day and were all sent home that same day, everyone except D. she was on the work program so she left before they could send her home. K was sent home early in the day and around lunch time Lush and I were called to the front office for a meeting with the school officials.

basically in this meeting the school officials yelled at us, called us stupid and selfish, and pointed out how disappointed they were in us because they were deeply offended by the shirts. after their brief yelling match they allowed me and Lush to explain ourselves, but it was like speaking to the deaf. they didn't hear anything we said and we were done we were told to leave school and never wear the shirts again.

so in conclusion the yellow t-shirt is significant to me because its the first time i felt like i was a real man. i stood up for what i believed in and i lived with the consequences of those actions. i also developed a deep bond with D and Lush because of the yellow t-shirts. senior year brought us together, but after the whole yellow t-shirt debacle i felt like i could always count on Lush and D whenever i needed them.

1. i get this speech from all of my honors/ap teachers. basically they pull me aside one day and tell me that if i ever need anything there always there for me. they also make sure to remind me that i can do whatever i want. i usually just nod my head and ask myself why the fuck are they telling me this, because i've heard it a million times before. i also ponder to myself that maybe if they took the time to tell this to one of the other black students that maybe then they wouldn't be so surprised to see me walk in their classroom each time.

2. there was no way in hell i could ever be valedvictorian. the guy who was had been the smartest kid in our grade since second grade. this is also that for some stupid and illogical reason has hated me since the second grade. to say we dislliked each other would be an understatement. its a known fact that we don't get along and he was one of the main reasons that moivated me to do better. we've gotten in a few verbal altercations over the past ten years and in the fifth grade we almost got into a physical fight. he pushed me, i punched him. then we got in trouble before it could escalate.

3. i worked in the guidance office my senior year so i had access to files and computers where they kept the "important" information. but really i just pulled the counselor aside and asked "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED" but as you should know by now, her answer just didn't suffice.
currently listening to Gibberish by Ryan Leslie

4. i use to be friends with this girl. i think i even had a crush on her, but then she got engaged to the valedictorian--the guy i don't like--and as a result we stopped talking and she found religion on me, only pushing us farther away. i was also blatantly told in front of everyone i was not aloud at the wedding. ^_^ she also only took 6 honors/ap classes while i took 16.

5.in georgia you have to past the 5 parts of the graduation test(writin
g, math, language, science, social studies) to graduate from high school and to walk at graduation. but you get 5 chances to pass it.

01 June 2009

insignificant

i posted a response to a question over on intoxicated resonance, and after speaking with my friend about it and reading the comments i feel i was misunderstood.

when i said my life is pretty insignificant, i didn't mean that my life was worthless. my life is worth a lot to me and to a few others in my life. i didn't mean insignificant in a bad way, when i said it was my lame attempt at being funny. but my sense of humor is hard to get at times, this being one of them.

someone also pointed out to me that when i lump trivial things like losing my virginity, a yellow t-shirt, and learning how to drive with things such as graduating and going off to college it lessens the importance of the latter. but to me they're all important and pretty significant things in my life, and helped shape who i am today.

i keep telling myself i lost my virginity when i was fourteen, but to be honest it was probably before that. but it depends on what you consider sex. fourteen is too young to be having sex and definitely too young to be doing some of the things i participated in. so yes, losing my virginity was pretty significant.

teaching myself how to drive is something else i pride myself in. my dad was never around to teach me things that only a father can teach a son. how to tie a tie, change a tire, etc. and being that my moms is kinda bipolar and easily frustrated, she could never teach me how to drive. to this day i hate driving with her in the car, because she likes to yell a lot and i'm not a good driver when someone is yelling at me. i'm not a good person when someone is yelling at me. so that was also important.

and the yellow t-shirt is probably the most significant thing that has happened in my nineteen years of life. but i'll save that for another day.

maybe. probbaly....not likely. but definately maybe.

currently listening to Ocean's 7 mixtape

28 May 2009

meh

just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

26 May 2009

family

i wish i could say family was important to me. i envy those around me who are close with their families. its the one thing i would change about my life if i could. because the only person i would ever take a bullet for is my moms.

i have reoccurring dreams and thoughts about my moms dying. the same thing happens in everyone. my moms dies, i don't go to the funeral because i they scare me, i continue on with my daily life as if nothing has happened, and then one day it finally hits me. SHES GONE. i dread the day that this happens, because i know i won't be able to handle it. i hated my moms for so long that i'm trying to make up for it now.

i'm the middle of three boys. i'm 19, my oldest brother is 21, and my younger brother is 14. they're so alike that i can't help but be jealous of their bond. i've always felt like the odd man out in my family and being so quiet as a child didn't help. i also have two other siblings that i've never met. my sister's name is brandy and she's ten, and then i have an even younger brother. i don't know his name. i don't know his age. and i shouldn't even know he exists, but i do. i still haven't figured out how i wanna feel towards them. its complicated.

my oldest brother knows i'm bisexual. i've never told him. he's never told me. but he knows, and i know he knows, yet we've never taked about this and because of that there's always an elephant in the room when we're around each other. and because of this elephant we haven't had a conversation more than five minutes since i was fourteen. and i'm just starting to realise that i do care that we haven't. i miss my older brother. i miss building forts together. i miss playing freeze tag. i even miss dressing up like each other and everyone thinking we're twins. i miss the good times.

but i don't miss my dad. since i was old enough to realize that my dad sucks at being a father i've promised myself that i would never end up like him. i didn't play sports. i didn't jrotc. and instead i did the opposite of what he wanted from me. from the age of 12 to 16 my whole life was devoted to becoming a disappointment to my father. don't ask me why i just didn't want to be anything like him. so everytime someone said i looked like my father it hurt, i din't wanna look like him, i didn't wanna be compared to him. i just feel like i missed out on something because he was never there for me when i needed him. i taught myself how to ride a bike. i taught myself how to drive a car. i taught myself how to tie a tie. and i still don't know what the big deal is with the birds and the bees. i just wish he was there......but he wasn't.

currently listening to: A Capella(Something's Missing) by Brandy

24 May 2009

am i ready

i don't think i'm ready. i don't think i'll ever be ready to just pick up and move. i say otis is the reason i'm trying my hardest to get to cali, but its not. otis is just an excuse to finally leave georgia sooner, rather than later. cali is an escape for me, a way out. but i still don't think its gonna happen. i feel like something is gonna happen and i'll be stuck in georgia for another three years, and in a way i think i would be okay with that. maybe i'm over thinking it, maybe i'm just too pessimistic, or maybe i just don't have faith that if i want soomething bad enough it will all work out in the end.....right?

i still haven't withdrawn from uga, i still haven't canceled my housing contract, and i registered for all my classes for the fall. just incase life wants to fuck me in the ass again.

i'm okay with being content. i'm content with where i am right now. i have great friends in athens, and few who don't live in athens. so why give all that up on the faith that i'm gonna have this crazy, fun, life changing experience in cali when there's nothing wrong with where i'm at now. am i happy? sometimes i am, but mostly i'm just content. i'm okay with settling for less, that doesn't bother me even though it should. people say they deserve things. i say i deserve things, but the reality is we don 't. I DON'T. i only deserve what i work my ass off to attain, so what happens when i do that and i still don't attain it?

was i foolish for thinking it was even possible? should i have worked harder that one day when i decided to sleep in? but what if i did my best every fucking second of the day, and i still didn't get it, what then?

people say its better to have loved, than to never have loved at all, but is that really true. i've loved before and it feels great to feel loved. to feel wanted. to feel needed, but when all that disappears it fuckin sucks. you feel like shit. you lose all motivation. you feel like a part of you has died. and everyone around you tells you to get over it and to move on. well this is how i feel everytime i set a goal for myself or i ask for something as simple as a lava lamp and i fail to reach my goal or i don't receive that lava lamp. and at some point i just decided to stop trying. i lost motivation. i was just...meh, and i don't want to be meh anymore. meh really sucks when you're alone aand you have an overactive imagination that gets bursts of creativity late at night and you don't sleep.

i want to feel ALIVE again. and there are three things that make me feel ALIVE. one. two. three. and at the moment i only have one.

currently listening to: How to Be A Lady, Vol. I by Electrik Red

sobriety

so i guess i'm back. what was that two days of giving up on blogging? i mean i'm sure half of you knew what was coming next, but yeah this is it. this is the new and improved southern inebriation. same ol J, same url, just a new simpler layout. and more thoughtful posts, hopefully.

i deleted the old blog because i just wanted a fresh start. i still have all the posts and ill probably rehash some of the old stuff, but will be more open about it this time around.

but yeah, this is all for the first post.

-jamal

p.s. thats my name, like the one thats on my birth certificate only its not spelled like that but thats a whole story for another day. oh yeah, i'm named after theo from the cosby show

currently listening to: Devotion by Electrik Red