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my cousin knows i'm gay. i kinda figured she did after she kept stealing my phone which had some questionable photos. no penises, i deleted all of those, but a few topless guys could be found on my phone. damn that asian blogger and his need to show off.

but either way she knows. and i figured she knew a while back and i know my family. they're the type to hold onto information until they see a chance to use it and hurt you the most. and thats what my cousin is doing. but she confirmed the fact she knew i was gay yesterday during an argument we were having. so now i'm preparing for my life to self destruct in three

two

one

either way i'm okay. she knows i'm gay. oh well. i'm MUTHAFUCKIN J. and i know things. things she doesn't know. things she doesn't want to know. tings that will fuck with her mind. but yeah, i guess my secrets out.

currently listening to Song and Cry by Jaydiohead

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when asked the question if you could change anything about yourself what would it be, most people say i would change nothing. i like who i am. its me. and everytime i think to myself why must they lie. the same goes for the question, is there anything in your life you regret. saying no, is a typical answer. yet its usually a lie.

i fall victim to this. we all have at one point in our life. i do it everyday. everyday i wake up and tell myself i'm okay. and for the most part i am, but there are those moments where life is just meaningless. the sun isn't as bright as it usually is. and i just feel blank. empty of emotions with one lingering thought in my head.

if i could change anything about myself or about my life i wouldn't. but truthfully speaking i would change a lot. i would change the fact that i was molested as a child. i would change the fact that i didn't have a father growing up. i would change the fact that i will never be truly honest open with anyone, because they're are just some things i'm afraid to let people i care about know. i would change the fact that i love to easily. i would change the fact that i'm honestly lost in this world, and don't know what i want. i sit and watch television shows and movies where the main character's biggest proble is the fact that his/her family has "a plan" for them. they usually hate this plan and want nothing to do with it, but i envy them. i wish someone had my entire life planned out for me. because for the last nineteen years i've lived a life full of impulses. some good and some bad.

do i regret anything i've done in my life. probably not, but if i did i'd regret everytime i gave into that impulse to drop to me knees. to open my mouth. or to spread my legs.

life sucks sometimes, but you just have to deal with it.

my father told me something once. i was six years old and was crying. he saw the tears roll down my face and started screaming at me as he forcibly took his t-shirt that i was wearing. "real men don't cry J. aint no son of mine gone be a pussy and cry. take my damn shirt off. you aint no marine man, take my damn shirt off boy. you betta learn how to deal with shit cause it aint gone get no better. and aint no son of mine gone run around here and cry. you betta deal with this shit."

currently listening to Smashing Pumpkins

thanks 4 everything

mother’s day is cool. i can respect that. she carried me for nine months and yada, yada, yada. i’m cool with spending my las twenty dollars on some art suplies for a homemade mother’s day card, scented candles, and some sunflowers but i can’t say the same for father’s day.

but maybe that’s just me and my situation. i’m nineteen and i can count the times i’ve seen my dad on two hands the last ten years. yeah he gave me a car, but he also surprised me with the fact that i have a ten year old sister. and i’m still waiting to be told about the little brother he’s still hiding from me.

so while everyone else is having a wonderous father’s day just remember that i’ll be suffering through an awkward 30 minute conversation with my father that my grandmother either a. guilt tripped me into or b. bribed me into. the conversation will last thirty awkward minutes because my father will want to catch up on the happeneings of my life. but all i really wanna say is Happy Father’s Day and thank you for not pulling out.

currently listening to High Price by Ciara featuring Ludacris

all she has to do is ask

my mom just told me to pack my shit and go to americus to stay with my father. i replied, i've been with you my whole life, why would i leave now. she said go. i said fuck that, i aint goin nowhere. and im not. i don' respond to yelling, so if she wants me to leave all she has to do is ask. and i will. i'll pack my shit. head to athens. pick up my television and my fridge and be on my merry way. and she'll never have to see me again. its that simple.

all she has to do is ask. and now my father's day post is fucked up, which is what you'll see tomorrow.

currently listening to sometime by britney spears

meh

just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

family

i wish i could say family was important to me. i envy those around me who are close with their families. its the one thing i would change about my life if i could. because the only person i would ever take a bullet for is my moms.

i have reoccurring dreams and thoughts about my moms dying. the same thing happens in everyone. my moms dies, i don't go to the funeral because i they scare me, i continue on with my daily life as if nothing has happened, and then one day it finally hits me. SHES GONE. i dread the day that this happens, because i know i won't be able to handle it. i hated my moms for so long that i'm trying to make up for it now.

i'm the middle of three boys. i'm 19, my oldest brother is 21, and my younger brother is 14. they're so alike that i can't help but be jealous of their bond. i've always felt like the odd man out in my family and being so quiet as a child didn't help. i also have two other siblings that i've never met. my sister's name is brandy and she's ten, and then i have an even younger brother. i don't know his name. i don't know his age. and i shouldn't even know he exists, but i do. i still haven't figured out how i wanna feel towards them. its complicated.

my oldest brother knows i'm bisexual. i've never told him. he's never told me. but he knows, and i know he knows, yet we've never taked about this and because of that there's always an elephant in the room when we're around each other. and because of this elephant we haven't had a conversation more than five minutes since i was fourteen. and i'm just starting to realise that i do care that we haven't. i miss my older brother. i miss building forts together. i miss playing freeze tag. i even miss dressing up like each other and everyone thinking we're twins. i miss the good times.

but i don't miss my dad. since i was old enough to realize that my dad sucks at being a father i've promised myself that i would never end up like him. i didn't play sports. i didn't jrotc. and instead i did the opposite of what he wanted from me. from the age of 12 to 16 my whole life was devoted to becoming a disappointment to my father. don't ask me why i just didn't want to be anything like him. so everytime someone said i looked like my father it hurt, i din't wanna look like him, i didn't wanna be compared to him. i just feel like i missed out on something because he was never there for me when i needed him. i taught myself how to ride a bike. i taught myself how to drive a car. i taught myself how to tie a tie. and i still don't know what the big deal is with the birds and the bees. i just wish he was there......but he wasn't.

currently listening to: A Capella(Something's Missing) by Brandy

dodged a bullet

I've always been very talented when it came to dodging bullets, but I think today takes the cake. My phone just rang and I looked down and it said Grandma. I really don't wanna talk to her right now, but I answer it anyway. I say hello. They say hello, and turns out its actually my dad. So I'm thinking FUCK, I really don't wanna talk to him. But then he says "i think i have the wrong number," so I'm like HELL YEAH, dodged a bullet.

i think im killing my mom

Life has been going great, things have been settling down, and school is coming to a close. So I haven't been posting as much. I'll start a post, and never finish it, I even tried doing a 100 Things post and made it to number 1 and went blank, so yeah I guess that's a good thing.

I have a new friend though. Lets call her Posh, cause she's been been obsessed with the Spice Girls since before there was the Spice Girls. She has all the barbie dolls, all the platform shoes, and has been to all the concerts. She's obsessed with them, but its one of those weird quirks that makes her so damn lovable. Oh, and she's a runner. Not one of those "i think i will go for a run today" types of runners like me, but a real runner. She hikes trails, does marathons, and can even fly a plane. I think she's gonna take me flying one day and then for a picnic. But yeah. I think I love this girl.

We've been in color comp together since January, but I've only recently developed an attachment to her. There's just this thing about her that makes me smile and I'm always having fun when she's around. She's just one of those types of people. But I guess the reason I decided to blog about her is because I came out to her today. Didn't plan on it, wasn't anticipating it, it just sorta happened. We were talking about me going to Cali and why I waited so late to have this drive to actually try and make it a reality and I told her.

There were some things goin on, I was hoping to have this relationship, and things didn't pan out. So now I don't have a reason to stay.

She assumed I was talking about a girl, and I politely corrected her and said it was a guy . After that, we continued our conversation. This confirmed one thing to me. When I decide to come out to my high school friends I won't be sad if they don't accept it, because if these new people I'm letting into my life can accept the fact that I'm bi, then the old ones shouldn't care either. I also know how I want to come out to them. No more of the "i have something i need to tell you," that just makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Just slipping it into a conversation was a lot easier, and it just happened. Wasn't forced, and it felt good after saying it. But I guess the best thing about the day is the fact that Posh said if I wanted to stay with her for the Summer I could. I've only known her for four months, but she's already opening her home to me. Either I'm more EPIC than I thought or she's a great person.

I think its a little of both, cause I am pretty epic. Oh yeah, I THINK IM KILLING MY MOM.

Talked my mom this weekend. She finally got the memo that I'm trying to move to cali in the fall of 09 and not 2010. This didn't sit well with her, and as a result I think she's gonna die sooner than later. We talked three times this weekend and inbetween the yelling and sighs she hung up on me twice. The whole conversation was pretty hilarious and I wish I could put it on youtube because my mom is pretty funny when she's freaking out. The one thing I got out of it is she needs some anxiety pills to deal with the fact that her kids keep leaving her. But like I told her she still has her "favorite son".

Even if she doesn't want him anymore.

currently listening to: Sucka 4 Love-Danity Kane

i think clearer, when im......sober

Aclose friend of mine just came out to his brothers and it made me think maybe its time that I came out to my two brothers, but then it hit me. What would be the point. I'm pretty sure my older brother knows that i have a tendency to sleep with guys and my younger brother is 14, and that should be reason enough to not tell him. Add in the fact that every time I see my little brother he's constantly telling me that some new celebrity is gay so imagine his reaction if he found out his little big brother is gay, because I don't even think he knows what bisexual means.

The thing with my older brother is this. We were really close as children. I have all these pictures of me and him being dressed up as twins. We were around the same age, looked alike, and my mom thought it was cute to dress us alike. Somewhere we hit puberty. He found his friends and I found mine. Then high school happened. I started messing with guys on a regular basis and I'm assuming he found out. I've heard him tell one or two of our mutual friends that I'm gay. Lucky for me they never seemed to believe him and I don't know if he believed it himself, but I think he does.

Which is why I don't think we get along. Me and my brother started going through a rough patch in our high school years. The littlest things would just set us off and we would just start fighting and for the most part these fights would last for the whole day. We would stop for a minute, and the next time we saw each other one of us would say something slick and the other would react. Then the whole gay thing started popping up. When I began to suspect that he knew I stopped talking to him. I wouldn't say hi, I wouldn't say good morning I just stopped speaking to him. I didn't want to say anything that would set him off or make him mad and for lack of a better word expose me. I can say I feared my older brother so I just stopped speaking to him unless I had to.

I can probably count the number of conversations me and my older brother have had in the past four years of our lives on my two hands, and people find that weird. But for me its normal. I still love my brother and I'm sure he still loves me, but we don't have that personal connection. Maybe one day we'll build that connection, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. The last time I talked to him was eleven months ago at graduation and we even hugged for a second and took a pic.

it wasn't so bad

My dad came today. It was the first time I had seen him since graduation back in May. My grandmother and uncle also came with them. When I found out they were coming I began cringing. I didn't wanna see them AT ALL, but it turned out not to be as bad as I thought it would. Mainly because I got a car out of it.

The pessimist in me wants to think that the car is a way for my dad to buy my love, and if that was the point then well played. But the optimist in me sees this as him saying I'm proud of you. You worked hard through high school and now you're doing something with your life and I'm sorry I wasn't there before. But I want to be now.

I still don't know how to feel about it though. I was shocked when he told me he was giving me his car, because I really needed a car. Now I can actually find a job and do this that I need to do. I'm expected the worst from the day, but it turned out pretty well and I learned a few things in the process.

1. Being a whore/slut runs in my blood. My granddaddy has 9 kids all from different women, and my dad is sleeping with two women now.
2. I have a ten year old sister that I never met. I've known about her for a while(thanks to my little brother) but this was the first time they actually told me about her. But the shocking part to me was the girl is 10. Which means she was born when I was 9 and not when I was in high school as I previously thought.
3. Knowing that they kept this secret from me for 10 years just underscores why I don't trust too many people.
   

mother dearest

I'm not really feeling the mother right now. She made me promise her that I would go downtown with her today, yet she's no where to be found. You see my mother is a slick one, and she has everybody fooled except me.

Today is her only day off until she takes me back to school on Wednesday so she said she wanted to spend time with me before I left. I was cool with that, I haven't been out of the house since the trip home. But yesterday we got a surprise visit from my two Aunts and baby cousin. This is where everything changed.

Since they were here it meant that there was someone to take care of my grandmother while my other Aunt(the one my mother stays with) could go get her hair done. Now she may have gone to get her hair done, but five hours later she calls and tells us she's in Vidalia the onion capitol off the world. How did she get all the way there when she was suppose to be getting her hair done.

Suspicious.

Well her "boyfriend" met her there and she called to tell us she was spending the night. When I asked her what happened to our plans she said she changed he mind.

Thats cool, but people wonder why I never call my family. Its because they always disappoint me.