31 December 2008

stuck at home

My New Year's Eve won't be going off with a bang tonight. I had plans to meet a friend, but life had other plans for me. Lets just say I got into a fight with a low hanging ceiling fan and it won. Yes the glass light may be all over the carpet, but I now have a concussion so there goes my night.

30 December 2008

the city

I caught the new MTV spinoff last night and I must say, I like it better than the Hills. I never really noticed her before, but th show looks promising. Plus the theme song is a lot better than the Hills.


I thought about posting the top songs of 2008 that changed my life, or helped me get through it but decided against it. There's too many lists going on around the web, but in 2009 music will be a big part of my blog. So instead I'll post this mashup of the top 25 songs of 2008 according to billboard. I'm a little iffy about it because there's no Britney or Beyonce, but they did come out a little late in the year, but there's also no "Live Your Life" by T.I. and Rhianna.

28 December 2008

i will miss you 2k8

Between Christmas and New Years there's really nothing to blog about. This is my first blogger Christmas spectacle and I don't know what to put so I guess I can start reflecting on what exactly happened this year. I'm really ready for 2k9 so I can get back into a regular routine of not sleeping in til' 3 and staying up til' 4 and 5, but until then I guess I can start my year in review or something.

2k8: the year i graduated from high school
2k8: the year i got suspended from high school
2k8: the year i became vulnerable and let people in
2k8: the year i opened up to someone
2k8: the year i went off to college
2k8: the year I had sex under the stars
2k8: the year I had sex in a college dorm room, while his roommate cooked food
2k8: the year i kissed a guy, while the world was kissing a girl and liking it
2k8: the year that was the greatest of my life
2k8: the year i lost two best friends in one week
2k8: the year they finally 'got' me
2k8: the year i was on top
2k8: the year i 'got him'
2k8: the year i wasn't some ordinary nigger
2k8: the year i let go
2k8: the year i gave up adderall
2k8: the year i discovered the british music scene
2k8: the year i got over her
2k9:the year that topped 2k8 and became the best of my life

my vietnam pt. 2

Daddy was a soldier. Mom was a nurse. So I wish I could say whenever dad would tear me down she was there to build me up, but I can't. No ones to blame really. I'm sure my mother never planned to have the life that she now leads. She had my brother when she was 17 and still in high school. Two years later she had me, and four years after that she had my younger brother.

My mom has always been a hard worker and now looking back I appreciate her a lot more than I use to. I guess when you're younger you never realize what your parents go through to take care of you, but they go through a lot. I'll never forget the week when my mother had to be hospitalized for exhaustion and dehydration. Working two jobs, going to school, and having three kids while being a single mom isn't an easy life and I love my mom even more now because you made it this far. Only has one more to go, but he's gonna end up in jail before he graduates so she'll be able to retire soon.

But I haven't always had this beautiful outlook on my mom, I remember when I didn't think my mom loved me and after he boyfriend swore up and down that he found gay porn on the computer and she confronted me about it, I never trusted her again. I couldn't understand how she could believe some random guy over her own flesh and blood. That whole situation really hurt me deep, but I got over it.

I'm 18 now and I understand that whatever she did for me she did in love. I'm just a little sad that it took this long to figure out. I've said this once before, but the day I finally realized that my mom truly loved me was when she started crying when she found out I got accepted to college. It was weird, because for me it wasn't a big deal at all, but to her it was a major ordeal. I guess I can understand that.

I have a huge family and I only have one cousin that has graduated from college so far. My mom was the only one of her six brothers and sisters to graduate from college. My dad never graduated from college. And I guess from my generation of younger cousins and brothers so far I'm the only one in college.

I love my mom and I'm glad I can truly say that and actually mean it. There's only two people I have undying love for and would take a bullet for. My mom is one and the other is out there somewhere probably getting high.

27 December 2008

liz lemon says

-There is no charge for awesomeness... or attractiveness.

Well maybe not Liz lemon, but Kung Fu Panda. Either way I have to agree.


I've never told anyone this, but I bought a ring once. I saved up money from my job and was planning on asking K to marry me after graduation. I don't know why I bought the ring, but somewhere I just knew that she was the one for me and I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.

Now I didn't want to be one of those kids that marry their high school sweetheart straight out of high school, have kids, and end up regretting it all at the end of the day. I had a plan. Ask her to marry me. She says yes. We get engaged. Wait until we both graduate from college and then marry. It was simple as that. Nothing would change, and if we met someone while we were away at college that we felt was better for ourselves then so be it. We would break off the engagement.

I mean I have dreams, I have goals and so does K. I didn't want us to put that aside just for a marriage, but I felt that I had found my love and I wanted to declare it so I bought a ring. Well I never asked K, she never got the ring, and I finally returned it. Something happened a week after I bought it. K came out to me and it only made me want to marry her more. In my mind this only proved that we were meant to be together, who could understand me more than a bisexual exlover and best friend, but then she told me that she was in love.

I didn't think much of it, because she throws that word around a lot. I been through at least five or six boyfriends and one girlfriend where she was in "love," but she always ended back up in my arms. But it was different this time. I watched her go through so much for this girl and when graduation came around I couldn't ask her to marry me because she wasn't in love with me. I don't think she ever was. She loved this girl in a different way than I'd ever seen her love someone, so I kept the ring and put it away.

Me and K will probably never end up together in the long run, but if there's anything that we have in common we always fuck up our relationships and somehow find ourselves looking at each other at the end of the day. So if history repeats itself we'll both be 99 years old sitting in an old folks home rocking in our rocking chair with me laughing at her talking about all the other old people, and I can leave with that.

But the whole point of this post is the fact that I need a job. I'm broke and the summer is almost here, and I also don't have a home. When school is out I have nowhere to put my plasma tv, my mini refrigerator, or even my clothes. Sad right. So I think I'm going to be moving in with K this summer after I get back from France in May. She's suppose to be getting an apartment and told me she wanted me to stay with her during the Summer. I think I'm gonna take her up on that offer. We were always at our best in the Summer months. I think it has to do with the depletion of the ozone and global warming. Who knows.

25 December 2008

merry christmas

Christmas is coming to a close and it was a great day. I was expecting all hell to break loose today when everyone arrived, but it didn't. It was actually a lot of fun. I didn't get my camera that I wanted, but I did get a camcorder so all isn't lost. My birthday is in six weeks so that gives me something to look forward to. So I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Now if I can make it through tomorrow when my dad comes then I should be safe until I go back to school sometime next week.

24 December 2008

its started

Its started and I missed the first airing of it. Guess I have the rest of the night and all of tomorrow to see it. And I still haven't received my BB gun, but I do have my leg lamp.

my vietnam pt. 1

The holidays always brings family together, but family has never been a major part in my life. The people that I've always held closest to me have been friends. Friends and my mother. Call me a momma's boy, but I would give my life to save my mom from anything. My dad on the other hand, well that's an entirely different story.

My dad was a soldier. He was a marine and that shaped his whole life when I was a child. Even when he was discharged, something he didn't want, his mentality never changed. I still remember one day he wrestled one of his Marine Corps. t-shirt off of me because he didn't deem me "man" enough to wear it. I guess that was his first mistake with me, because I''ve never looked at him the same since.

The memories we share are never good ones. The ones that stand the most potent in my mind either revolve around him fighting with my mother or him chasing me with a belt. Not things you would want to remember, but that's all I have. So when we finally left I guess it was a happy moment for me. I was only eight, but I was glad that I didn't have to see him on a daily basis anymore. But it wasn't like he was there everyday anyway.

After moving away I would only see my dad during Thanksgiving and for a couple of weeks in the Summer. I guess this is the main reason why I hate Thanksgiving so much now. Having to leave what I'm comfortable with to go see my father and everyone on his side of the family and continue to hear the same things over and over. I always felt out of place, I never felt comfortable so I would always dread the time spent there.

As I got older things started to change. I saw my dad more often, but he wasn't coming to see me. He finally had the son he always wanted in my younger brother. He would come all the way just to watch him play football. At one moment I actually thought I was feeling jealousy when I saw how they acted with each other, but I know better now.I wasn't jealous I was sad for my brother.

See in my brother's eyes our dad is a King. He's the best thing in the world and can do no wrong. He puts him up on a pedastal and he can do no wrong, but if he only knew who is dad was. I'm scared that one day he's going to realize it and he won't be able to handle it.

Me and my dad relationship is still non existent and that's how I want it to remain. The last couple of years he's tried to reach out to me, but I can't let him in my life. I don't want to. When I needed him he wasn't there and now that he sees I'm growing up into a very successful young man he wants to be a part of it and I think thats why he's trying so hard with my youngest brother, because he doesn't want to miss out on the rest of his life like he did with mine.

I'm sure there will come a day where I can get over my issues with my dad, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Maybe I'm not mature enough. Or maybe I'm just being selfish. Whatever it is I just know that I'll make it with or without him like I have for the past eighteen years of my life.

22 December 2008


I'm back in my hometown again, but the joy that I'm feeling will only last for another twelve hours then I'm back to the coast to try and make a house my new "home". The short visit was well worth the three hour drive and I wish I could stay longer, but I can't.

The trip for me helped clear some things for me. I've said this a lot, but it can't hurt to say it again. My hometown is not where I'm meant to be. Its small, there's nothing there, and you would have to be crazy or content with the sub par and averageness to stay here. The only good part about this place is the friends I made, and the memories I made. I even drove back to all three houses I lived in while staying there. Two of them had people living in them, and I really didn't like that.

There's somebody sleeping in my room where I had sex at. There's someone bathing in my bath tub. Do they even know about the secret treehouse in the back yard? Probably not.

I also got to spend some time with Lush and D, the new odd couple in my life. Lush took me, D, and our other friend L out to eat. It was fun. We talked about a lot of things. Lush isn't much of a drinker anymore while D is starting to do more. At the end of the dinner we ended up on an hour long ice cream hunt. Which ended up with no one getting any ice cream except for Lush.

Another great thing to happen was I saw one of my oldest friends. Lets just call him W, but along with him and IV he was my first friend when I moved here back in the second grade. For the longest time it was me, IV, and W. We had sleepovers, took all the same classes, and hung out with the same people, but somewhere in middle school we got disconnected. Me and IV went in one direction and W all but fell off the face of the Earth.

So it was great running into him during the great ice cream hunt. It turns out that he had just gotten back from basic training and will be stationed in Cali after Christmas, before being deployed to Iraq sometime in February or March. He's changed so much since I last saw him. I was always the tallest of the three, but now he's taller than me and isn't the scrawny kid I remember. The only thing that hasn't changed about him is his red hair.

Off subject, it turns out that my first semester in college was a huge success. I think my GPA is a 3.33 and I made one A, one B+, two Bs, and an S(satisfactory) in Tennis. So I haven't lost Hope yet or my other scholarship. Yay me.

21 December 2008

i'm a filthy, fucking whore

I feel dirty right now. I feel like I could take thirty million baths right now and I would still be dirty. I'm a whore and I have a problem. The only difference this time is I'm actually serious. I really think I have a problem and I need professional help. Some people are alcoholic and some people are addicted to drugs. I hate drinking, and I haven't smoked anything in a while, but I am a sex addict.

My name is Inebriated and I'm addicted to sex.

How else could you explain my encounter with this married man that stays next door to my Aunt. I mean we only had a brief encounter earlier when I was helping my Aunt put up some more Christmas decorations, but for some reason I ended up in his house and the next thing I know his hands is on my ass and my tongue is playing with his balls. This never happens to me, but college happened and now I can't stop having sex. Whether its with myself, with Dummy, with Redcoat, or just the guy down the street. It seems my mind always wanders back to sex.

And me being the addict I am, the five minute "Get To Know Me Better" session we had inside his house resulted in me giving him my number, and him telling me he would call me around 4 as he was heading out to work. So instead of me just jacking off and calling it a night I end up staying up and waiting for his text. And sure enough he text and I took my happy, slutty self out of my bed and snuck out the front door. Hopped in his car, said hey and off we went to find a secluded location. Two blocks later we found one and I did what I seem to do better. I pulled down his pants and went to work on his dick.

A couple minutes of moaning, him thrusting so I could deep throat it more, some "Grab my balls harders" and wallah a cum shot and a wet washcloth to clean my face and his dick off with. He told me I was the best he'd ever had, I thanked him and asked if he would return the favor. He made a joke about that being new to him and preceded to slode me some money and dropped me off back at my Aunts while he went on to work and here I am typing.

I guess the fact that he gave me money is what is bothering me so much. No one has ever paid me money to have sex with him, and I wouldn't ask for it, but he felt the need to offer me these "benefits". That doesn't really sit too good with me, I'm thinking really hard about burning the money and being threw with it, but I just paid the rest of my tuition and I still need to buy my books.

Whatever I decide I do know I'm going to remain celebant while doing so. I don't plan on having anymore sex with anyone else until I'm in some kind of commited relationship. Unless ofcourse I see K walking threw the streets or if Redcoat decides he wants to fuck. Those are the only two exceptions.

Because I'm a sex addict and I have a problem.

20 December 2008


I'm really mad right now. I'm stuck here without a gym until January. I can just feel all those pounds I lost creeping back on. I can't even go running. Looks like I'ma have to change some plans and head back to school asap. Christmas can't get here fast enough.

19 December 2008


I found out some more disturbing news today while talking to K on the phone. My initial plan of not going back home for the break was correct, but now that I'm actually going on Monday it doesn't matter. K won't be there, she's staying as far away from our stomping grounds as she can. Maybe this is some sign that we don't need to see each other after all, but she did invite me to move in with her over the Summer. I said it might be fun, and we immediately started planning our lives out together once again, before we started arguing about who's going to cook.

I said I would, but only for myself. She countered with I would cook for both of us and that's your problem. You don't like to share. I'm cool with sharing, but when it comes to K I've learned how to deal with her. You can treat her good, but you can't treat her too good. She'll take it for granted and lose interest so I told her. Yea, I don't like to share, but thats why I can't treat you too good, you don't know what to do with it.

Maybe that's why she's so interested in me lately. I mean she's been leaving me facebook messages and voicemails and I can only guess because I haven't been in contact with her in a while. She told me that she loves me and she really misses me, I said the same but it was a blatant lie. Yes, I still love her, but my mind hasn't really been on her as of late. I really only think about her when I come across a picture or something I wrote that was inspired by her. But is that bad on my part?

But the real reason for this post is something totally different. In my conversation with K she told me about a mutual friend we both share. Turns out he's tried to kill him self twice since going away to the same college as K. I've always known he was crazy, but no one has ever believed me. The guy has serious anger problems and now he's trying to kill himself over a girl. I guess the ironic thing about is just a few months ago K was laying in a hospital for trying to kill herself also.

Now here's what I don't understand. This makes the, lets go with fifth, friend of mine that was either a cutter, tried to kill themselves, or both. All five of these people were close friends of mine at one point. Most of them held a best friend position also. So is it me or do I attract broken people in my life. Why do all of my friends cut themselves at one point or another, why?

Thats just one thing I could never do. Pick up a knife or razor and slit my wrist. But fif I mention my younger brother is crazy too, I mean Greenleaf crazy. Cause he's pulled some knives on me on more than one occasion, crazy right? And then there was this coworker of mine that really hated me. He was a serial cutter, didn't believe in God, and just thought he was so much better than me. They actually made me believe he was gonna shoot me one day after I made him cry in the freezer, but after two years I just ended up being fired for harassing some old lady they called a "manager," but that ol' biddy just would not die.

18 December 2008

he could get it

why im still bi

Carmen's Playboy pictures. In all my eighteen years I've never seen her naked. But this is just one of the reasons I can't just commit to one sex. Its just hot sex on a platter, lol.


Since school being out until January I've had a lot of free time on my hand recently. I've used most of it to start back writing and finding new music, but also to find some of my old music that I've neglected. In the process I found my old Ashlee Simpson cd, Autobiography.

I could care less what anybody else think, but her first cd was one of those once in a lifetime experiences for me. It was a great album and I became an instant fan. It didn't hurt that the one girl I was crushing on was in love with her at the time, but now she's all about Hayley Williams from Paramore, which could explain why I'm such a Paramore fan now.

But the one song that always stuck with me was Shadow. I'm sure we've all felt like we couldn't live up to our parents expectations at some point in our lives. I have on more than one occasion, and it only got worse as I grew up. The fact that I was the quiet middle child of two louder, attention craving brothers didn't help me either. So when the song came out it hit a string in me and I was hooked on Ashlee from that moment.

Thats all I wanted to say. I plan on changing things around my blog soon. It should be for the better, but the most exciting thing that happened to me today was the fact that I was in an accident today. Yay me, right. I was driving to pick my younger brother up from school and this car brushed into me. He was trying to turn left, and if the car behind him wouldn't have swerved right then I could have been hit twice. The dent isn't to bad, but I think I have a flat tire on the passenger side. The other guy got a ticket and now maybe my mom can get her window fixed too. I guess the only good thing that could come out of this would be, me getting a car.

A boy can hope right. Atleast I've gotten over one of my biggest fears of being in a car accident now.

nothing nu

Its two in the morning and i cant sleep. Why well there are some reasons.

  • stomach hurts
  • i need to brush my teeth, but cant find the toothbrush
  • i dont have a bed
  • just ate a hamburger that i cooked on the george farmen
  • my stomach hurts
  • out of contact lens cleaner
  • still dont know what i made for grades this semester, i only have two official grades, an A- and a S(satisfactory) for tennis, my GPA is a 3.7, but what about the other three classes
Its twelve in the afternoon and little has changed
  • still sleepy
  • hot as hell, but in a bad way
  • kinda hungry and my mother stole my orange, even though my name was written on it in permanent marker, i dont think she can read
  • i smell, lol

17 December 2008

i think im in love: the conclusion

So yesterday I commented about how I felt I was falling in love again, but that was during my natural high and I have a clearer head and a long night sleep to think about it. And the best conclusion I can make of it is. Drumroll please.

I'm not in love. Just in a really, really deep like.

I'm not ready to be in love again. It's not something that I think I'd be able to commit to at this moment, but maybe that will all change in a few weeks. Redcoat is also not in any place to be in a committed relationship or in a state where he could be completely in love, and I like attention. Next semester I'll me starting my art classes and from what I've heard that involves a lot of studio time. While Redcoat is planning on joining a fraternity amongst the many other things he's involved with. But if we did decide to commit to a relationship, I think we would be awesome together. I mean it is one of my many talents in this world, being awesome and discreet.

But back to our date. He took me to one of the many Japanese restaurants we have here, which was great because I had mentioned to him the night before that I'd been craving Japanese since I got back from Thanksgiving Break. We sat, we ate, we laughed, we bonded. It was a lot of fun and I found out a lot about him, we really do have so much in common. And he's older than which is a plus, because I've never dated anyone who was younger than me.

But the best part of the whole date would have to been what went on in his bedroom. I'd been trying to get in his sheets for the longest, but it would always fall through. First time I back out because I got sicked. The second time he had to go home, it was his brothers birthday or something. So this time I was determined to make it back to his place and I did. The only negative thing would have to be the fact that one of his roommates was there, so we had to be extra quiet.

It started with us just laying on his bed, he wouldn't make the first move so I did. Started nimbling on his lips, sucked on his neck, and made my way to a full on kiss. It was good and he was aggressive when it cake to the kissing. Something I really was not prepared for, it threw me off a little. After our big makeout and cuddling session I slowly made my way down to his pants.

It was funny how taking off his shirt was no problem, but when it came to unbuttoning his pants it proved a little difficult. I started laughing and he kindly undid them for me and I went to work on his bald guy. It wasn't as big as Dummy's but it was big enough to get all the attention he needed and it fit nicely at the back of my throat.

I don't think he was prepared for all of it, because five minutes later he pulled me off of it and just kinda held it. I thought he was gonna blow, but it was a false alarm. It makes sense though, I'm only the second guy he's been with so I bring all the experience to the relationship which I guess puts me at ease, because there's really nothing to live up to. It's all brand new.

We quickly started back kissing and I played in his hair for a bit, which was fun to me. We moved into a 69 position and for the first time in a long time receiving head for me was actually a pleasurable thing for me. I only wish he would had allowed me to force more in his mouth and not just the tip. The back and forth went on for about an hour and I finally made a move.

I don't top. It's just not something I find pleasure in doing when I'm with a guy. But something made me pull out my condom and put it on me. Maybe it was his nice, bare ass and his pink whole or maybe it was the connection that we'd made in the last hour. Because I kept finding myself reaching for his hands just to hold them while we passionately sucked on each others lips or maybe it was the moaning he would do ever so gently in my ear. Whatever it was I just wanted it to last longer.

His whole was tight so I did something I never do. I pushed his knees into his chests and found my tongue pushing deeper and deeper inside his ass. It was fun, a new experience, but I don't think I'll be doing it anytime soon. I pushed my dick inside his whole and the expression on his face completely changed.

"Slow" he moaned. "You've gotta go slow."

I took in his words and tried to go slower, but as soon as the head disappeared he quickly pulled it out and said "I don't think its gonna happen this time. Sorry." I was completely okay with that, I would much rather have his dick inside of me than vice versa and I made sure he knew it. I laid beside him and we began to kiss again, and I was in complete ectasy.

Two hours into this and I knew that our time needed to come to a close. I needed to go pick up my medicine before the pharmacy closed and he had plans to hang with friends so I did what I do best. I got on my knees, opened my mouth, and swallowed his dick whole. And on cue his cum was shooting everywhere within five minutes. He returned the favor and with a few quick motions of my hand I was finish too.

He cleaned me off, we both got dressed and he gave me a thumbs up and something inside of me lit up, but before he let me walk out of his room he threw me up against a wall and told me to call him. That sealed the deal for me and as a walked by his roommate (who is fucking hot) my walk of shame didn't feel so bad. I was actually happy and wanted more.

So yea, do I think I'm in love again. No, but I believe we have what it takes to make it there. Is he my ultimate soulmate, maybe or maybe not. But he is someone I plan on getting to know better. As soon as I'm back to school. I think I've found my Muscles or maybe even better my Matt.

comic love

I don't know if anyone who reads this is a comic fan, but I've recently started back reading them and expanded outside of my X-Men world and into the larger Marvel Universe. But I wanted to post this picture from the new Mighty Avengers issue or New Avengers, its one or the other. I just found it kinda nice and funny how Baraq and Michelle would make it out to the funeral. I only wonder where the little ones were.

16 December 2008

i think i'm in love


I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is love or the makings of love, but I will say this. The date that me and Redcoat had earlier today was great, but the nightcap was even better. I found myself singing showtunes as I left his place and went back to mine, but I'll save the details for tomorrow when my mind is fresh. This post is more for the conclusion of me and Dummy's relationship and our trip to the bigger city on the coast, where my new "home" is.

I found out Monday that my mom would not be able to pick me up from school until later in the week. But unlike Thanksgiving break I was actually ready to leave school so I found other arrangements. One, either go back with IV to the hometown and stay there for a week or Two, catch a ride with Dummy. I chose the latter of the two and for good reason.

I hadn't talked to Dummy since our final and I really wanted to see where his head was in all of the madness that has been our relationship. So the trip East turned out to be better than I expected. He told me his whole reason for traveling was his plans on asking his long time girlfriend to marry him, and he wanted to do it on Christmas. Therefore he was spending his break with her and her family.

It kinda shocked me, but as I told him I was happy for him, and I even put in my bid to be the best man or at least the ring bearer. Either, or is okay with me, as long as I'm there. He confided in me that after being with me he finally felt like she was the ONE, and he didn't have that monkey on his back wondering if there was anyone out there that was better for him. But even with that he felt that he wanted to give us one more shot.

Basically meaning, "Damn inebriated yo sex was that fi fi shit. Let me hit that again." Yes, I know people that talk like this, but Dummy isn't one of them, but this is what he was thinking. lol.

So even after already having sex earlier in the day I still had enough in me to have goodbye sex with him. But who wouldn't? Goodbye sex and makeup sex is second to only "I'm In Love With You" sex and I haven't had that in a while. So we found a rest stop and went at it in the back of his truck. A new experience for me, but I'm not complaining.

It was fun while it was happening, but my mind kept finding itself thinking about Redcoat in the midst of our fuck session, which led me to the conclusion that I think I'm in love.....again. And its kinda scary. So I did what I always do when I'm scared. Turn on some music and lose myself in it. Today it just happened to be britney's Circus cd and I kept blasting Blur, Unusual You, Quicksand, and Mannequin.

Dummy didn't seem to mind at first and actually seemed to enjoy it, but the moment would only last for so long. He turned the music off and asked me what was on my mind. I told him and he said something that totally caught me off guard.

Just let it play out, if its meant to be then let it be. Don't over analyze it like you do with everything else. Love is natural, it can't be forced. If this is love then you'll know. But don't stress out over it, you're too sexy for that.

I'm going to miss Dummy. He's taught me more about myself than people I've known for my whole life.

15 December 2008

semester one

I'm done with college and semester one is over. Took my last two finals and celebrated with a plate of japanese food so today was a great success. Just got finish watching Brokeback Mountain with my roommate, which confused the hell out of me.

One because he's straight and when I walked in he asked if I'd ever seen the movie. I said no, which is true, and five minutes later I knew what it was. I'm guessin he had been watching it for a good thirty minutes and still didn't know what it was. So imagine his surprise when he saw then start maikng out and having sex. Priceless.

He made some weird noise and turned the channel, but we ended up finishing the movie off, but skipping the gay sex scenes. We watched the straight ones but not the male on male action. The movie is sad, I didn't see the demise of Jake's character happening. It made me sad, but now I'm wathcing Pineapple Express so I couldn't stay to sad for long.

The best part about today is the fact that I've decided to give up aderall. It helped in high school, not so much in college, but my major change and the art classes for next semester are making me excited. Also me and Redcoat are finally going on a date tomorrow before I leave for the beach. I feel like a little school girl I'm so excited.

tropic thunder

Its around 1 o'clock and today is officially the last day of classes for. In a little over 13 hours I will be taking my music final followed by my portuguese final at 7. Its almost over and I feel like it just started. I mean over the last three days of preparing for finals I've managed to make two more friends.

It was weird how it happened, but I guess thats the story of my life. Since my microwave broke I've had to use the one in the kitchen on my floor and everytime I go in there, its always these same two girls studying. So I guess the small time I spend in there led to us laughing and joking about what everybody eats. I'm gonna miss them over the break and I just learned their names tonight and they can cook. So its kinda a bittersweet feeling.

But the main reason for this post is I just finished watching Tropic Thunder. I went into it expecting it to be just an average action comedy, but its way better than I expected. The ending is one of the funniest thing I've seen in a while. Maybe I should finally watch Pineapple Express and stop putting it off like I did with Tropic Thunder(watched the first 20 minutes two weeks ago).

I guess what made me smile the most was when Al Pacino turned out to be gay. I wasn't expecting it until right before it was revealed. It was a nice surprise I can't tell you the last time I saw a black character that was gay.

14 December 2008

workplace love

I was just over at cyber/crush's blog and was reading how he regretted falling for one of his coworkers. I can relate to almost all of what he went through. I too fell for not only one of my coworkers, but three. They're were probably more crushes, but only three of them evolved into something more, at least on my side of things.

I actually started working at the place so I could try and get back with K. It worked for a while, we got closer again, shared some innocent grinding as we passed each other, but my eyes would always wonder. If there's anything about K that I know she hates its seeing me paying some other girl more attention than her. So I guess I used that to my advantage at times to make her jealous, but while doing that I fell for this other girl that worked there.

She was white, and after dating K it seemed I would always migrate towards white girls, and I guess it didn't hurt the fact that she was currently dating this black guy. The only bad thing about her is the fact that she was basically a whore. This never bothered me, because I don't see anything wrong with having fun and sleeping around with people. I mean you're only young once so why not. As long as she was clean, which she was, then she was cool in my book.

As time moved on we got closer, she became my go to girl when I was at work. We would work on the line together and really help each other out. She started telling me more store about what she was doing and I just would listen. She was different from other people I was attracted to. Maybe it was all of the sex she seemed to exude, but whatever it was I just kept falling for it more and more.

I remember the night I finally made a "real" move on her. Before I would just joke with her and tell her I liked her. We would flirt a lot, I would grab her but, and would stay late so she would offer to take me home. But it was all innocent stuff, until that one night.

We were really busy so we both decided to stay late and help everybody else out. It also didn't hurt the fact that we would be making overtime my doing so. So when we finally got a moment to just breathe and relax I snuck up behind her and put my arms around her waist. Her but was on my dick so I kinda started grinding. She laughed and I whispered something in her ear. Next thing I know I was sucking on her neck and a car pulled up and she pushed me away.

DENIED I thought. I kinda felt bad, but everything was going so good until the car pulled up. I didn't ride home with her that night, I couldn't allow myself. But I guess the best thing about it is that wasn't the end for me and her. We only got closer. But I will say we never dated. No matter how many people at work would place us together, we were never official.

I mean she just wasn't the girlfriend type. She knew it and I knew it. SO we were happy being whatever we were. I miss her now. My phone doesn't work so I can't call her. Maybe this is a reason to go home for the Holidays. Cause I know she'll still be at work.

one year

One year ago to this day I got accepted to college(early decision). I remember that day well. I stayed up until 12, because the decision would be available to me then. Me and my friend IV, we both stayed up. 12 o'clock came and neither of us had decisions available. You can't imagine how mad I was, so I went to sleep and when I awoke that afternoon my decision was there.

I saw the fireworks and it said that I was accepted. I was officially a dawg, but nothing flickered inside. I was relieved more than anything. It was the only college I applied to, and based on whether I got accepted or not would determine, in my mind atleast, whether I would go to college or decide to follow my dreams.

College for me was never a priority. When I was younger I always said I wanted to attend Georgia, but as I grew older that thought faded and others replaced it. So when I got accepted my decision was made. I'm going to go to college and live up to everyone's expectations, yay me. I guess disappointing everyone in my life wouldn't have been a good thing to do anyway.

After seeing the fireworks I called my mom, who was on her way to work, to tell her the news. She started screaming and then turned to crying. For the first time, in a long time I really felt like she was proud of me for me and it surprised me. We hung up and I shed a tear. My life was turning around for a change.

School was the same thing. Everyone seemed genuinely happy for me, and they even announced it over the intercom. Yet I couldn't help but feel kinda bad. IV didn't get accepted, he didn't get to see the fireworks, he was deferred and would have to complete part II of the application and wait til' the spring to find out his fate. IV wanted it more than me and I think my nonchalant attitude might have offended him a bit, so I did what I usually did. Made a racial slur to Lush about me only getting accepted because I was black and they had a quota to meet. I laughed, she laughed, IV laughed, but our teacher didn't.

She gave me that face she gives me and I understood what she meant. I got accepted because of my abilities, she knew that and I knew that, but I didn't want anyone else to know. I didn't even feel out to ethnicity portion of the application so I guess for the first time in a long time I knew I wasn't being judged by the color of my skin. I was being judged by what lied beneath.

I'm glad I applied to Georgia, and I'm happy I got accepted. It made me grow. It got me away from becoming apart of the trap that is my hometown. I'm going to do something. I am going somewhere in life. I'm going to make a change and take the world by storm. Give me five years and I promise you INEBRIATED will be everywhere.

12 December 2008

inexplainable britney post

A large part of my can be defined by the last Britney cd I bought, maybe this is why I turned out to be a confused bisexual black kid growing up in the South, nobody really knows. But Christmas is two weeks away and its shaping up to be the best one in a long time.

For me Christmas was never my favorite holiday, there came a point where it lost its luster and and glitter. I mean I still leave Santa cookies and milk out every year, but Christmas never lives up to the hype. The last great Christmas I can remember was when I was 8 and got my first Britney cd. It was one of the most memorable days in my life and I took pictures to remember it by.

Well now all I have left is the picture, because all of my Britney cd's have been destroyed or lost, which is very tragic and has caused me a lot of trauma.

Baby One More Time was crushed under a chair.

Ooops I Did It Again was thrown like a frisbee against a wall by my older brother.

Britney was trampled on, one summer while I was on a bus to 4-H camp.

In the Zone was lost when moving up the street to my new house.

Blackout was never owned in a physical form, I bought it off iTunes which was the biggest mistake, because it won't let me burn it to a cd and as a result it will be forever stuck on my first laptop which has suffered two corrupt harddrives from over heating and the loss of the keyboard. I had an accident with a coke soda and began having a bad case of sticky and ghost keys, so i just took the keyboard off and bought a wireless one.

So I'm hoping the mother knows that if she really wants to make this a magical Christmas for me she'll go cop that Circus cd just like everyone else should. The cd with a side dish of a new camera will make me the happiset kid on this side of Pluto, the forgotten planet.

11 December 2008


I'm finally coming off my natural high, but I haven't completely crashed to earth just yet. I just finished my first three hour final and midway through it my arm started hurting. It took a lot to continue writing, but I think I aced it. If I could make an 86 on my midterm which was the same format, then I know I should make an A on the final because I knew what everything meant. The curve ball will come when she grades my essay, so far I've been hit an miss.

I've decided that I'm not going back to the Boondocks(my hometown)over the Christmas break. I don't really see the point. One I would have to stay with my Aunt, and thus would be stuck in the house all day, and two there's nobody there for me. K and Lush and D will be there, but I can just talk to them on the phone so whats the point. Before I left for college me and a friend that said I could always stay with him on the break kinda had a falling out, but I guess we were never really friends if he would take some crazy chicks word over mine.

I plan on making some changes to my blog, either that or the blog will be ending soon. I mean I can't stay inebriated for my whole life can I? I have to get sober one day. I love blogging and it even helped me start back writing more, and I finally started on my movie script. I just kinda feel like I'm all the way in Pluto and everybody else is on the Sun. Who knows what will happen. I guess time will decide.

09 December 2008

this is why i'm so happy

I finally discovered why I'm happy and decided to share it with the world.

ambiguously happy

I don't know if its the weather or if its something in the water, but for some reason I'm still on my natural high from yesterday. Everything just seems to be falling into place and turning out better than I expected. Me and my partner made a 90 on our portuguese oral exam, and we were hoping for a B. Life is good and I don't have a care in the world right now. I went and rung the Victory bell earlier and I'm sitting in the dining hall having a Snellibration. I'm just so happy right now and I don't know why.

Yay me!


After countless posts I still can't believe I never introduced the world to my real first love. He name is Kristen Belle and I fell in love with her the summer of my freshman year of high school. I really think it was love at first sight, and I know she feels the same way. But after losing her on Veronica Mars she appeared on my favorite show Heroes, but suddenly they've killed her off too. Of all the characters to kill of they choose my beloved Kristen, with an excuse that she's blowing up and is too busy to continue on the show. Maybe if you all would have offered her a contract instead of giving it to Dania Ramirez, my favorite character of Elle would still be on the show instead of the dreaded Maya. Until I see you again Kristen we'll always have that night in Hawaii, I guess the only good thing to come out of this is now I have to start watching Gossip Girl in lieu of them showing a glimpse of you during one of your voice overs.

A boy can dream right?

08 December 2008

yay me

I had the biggest disappointment of my life. I was on my way back from tennis class when the bus I was on became overcrowded with people. The only good thing about this situation is a boy caught my eye. Someone totally not my type, but he caught my eye none the less.

The first thing i noticed was his but. He had on black athletic shorts that gently caressed every part of his firm, hard bubble but. They were just sticking to it and both of the cheeks were defined as the shorts rode up his but as he moved around.

The bus stopped, and students got off luckily he moved into the seat in front of me and gave me a glimpse of his face. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen with my eyes. His upper body was built like a greek god and his face matched it. It shined as the sun flickered on his golden face and his atlantic blue eyes glistened with delight. I was lost in his eyes and was foaming at the mouth falling deeper and deeper for this guy I didn't even know.

The bus stopped again and it was my time to leave this piece of heaven I was living in, but he got off too. I found myself following him as he walked towards my dorm and then I looked down. Down. And I began having a Britney moment.

"What the hell was I thinking!?!"

I looked down and saw his leg. He had the body and the face of a greek god from the but up, but his legs were more or less a side piece of fried chicken. If I can appreciate one thing in life it has to be a set of nice calves, its the one thing on my body I've never felt insecure about and it was the one thing he lacked. So I can only wonder, this guy had just left the gym. I'm sure he goes to the gym on a weekly basis, so why must he skip out on the calf exercises. Why?

But damn, this is a happy post because I've realized the secret to life and happiness. Don't worry about the bad things, focus on the good things and everything else will fall in place. I came to that conclusion after having a long conversation with Redcoat a couple of minutes ago, and to think my happy day all started with an 88 dollar check from the United Negro College Fund and Bill Gates, I guess it doesn't hurt to be on a first name basis with one of the richest men in the world. No seriously I fucks with Bill and Melinda, and they just happen to be putting me through college.

Yay me.


I was just over at my favorite blog/secret crush page and I think it just vocalized all the angst and unspoken feelings I have inside of me. I go to this huge university, the biggest in Georgia, but I don't think anyone sees me. I walk past kids everyday and we just walk past each other. No one speaks we just keep walking.

Even the people I have friendships with don't truly know me, and I guess I can only blame myself for that. Because I won't let them get to see the real me, I can't. My biggest fear in life besides dying would have to be being naked. For someone to see through all the clothes, all the walls I put up, and to see at the core who I am.To see all my mistakes, all my scars, and all my insecurities that's just something I don't think I could handle.

I have trust issues, because the one time I let myself go it blew up in my face and I don't ever want that to happen. So how am I suppose to trust someone with the fact that I am bisexual. I don't even know how to tell someone that I'm bi. Do I just blatantly say that I like guys, but I also like girls. It seems it would be so much easier to just pick one, but I can't do that.

I'm just stuck in the middle.

07 December 2008

when life hands you lemons

Make apple pie.

This weekend was one of the best I've had since arriving to Athens in August. Dummy really outdid himself in trying to make sure I had a good time before finals start up, and before I leave town for the holidays. We had a couple of rough patches here and there, but I'm glad we remained friends through it all.

The past three days have been kinda of a blur and involved beer, parties, beer, talking, beer, disappointment, more beer, Rock Band, and a little sex. So it turned out to be a full, fun packed weekend.

On Friday night we spent most of it downtown. Went to a couple of bars, but ended up at one of the clubs. This is where the disappointment set in. We walked in and the first person I saw was New Girl. So I'm like yea, maybe this is my chance to make my move. She's cute. I look good, why not, that and the fact I had a liquid bottle of courage in my system why not give it a shot.

I went over, started dancing with her, and five minutes later this guy approaches us. We exchange a few words, I say a couple of smart remarks, he gets upset, and after five minutes of watching us arguing, and her laughing New Girl finally introduces the two of us.

Inebriated this is my boyfriend. Boyfriend this is my friend from tennis class I was telling you about. Just my luck she had a boyfriend, but why wouldn't she. She was sexy, smart, and athletic how many people who fit that description are single? I guess the only bright side is the fact that she thought enough about me to talk to him about me. Figures, I'm always the best man never the groom.

So after this occurred I let the self-masochism begin. I told Dummy what happened, and I told him that I wanted to get fucked up so I wouldn't even remember what had just happened. I guess I look better when I'm drunk, because I woke up the next morning in some dorm and got the opportunity to do my first walk of shame.

Athens-0 Inebriated-1

The only bad thing about a walk of shame is the walking. I don't have a car so I actually had to walk all the way across campus back to my dorm. Not a good thing to be doing in 30 degree weather. At least by the time I got there Dummy had made it to my dorm and we went back to his place where we started the Rock Band marathon.

After seven hours of Rock Band, lunch, a couple of showers, a mile run, and a quick wrestling match we ended up going to one of his friend's house for a party. he was throwing I didn't know anyone there so I quickly got reacquainted with a close associate that I affectionately call beer. I drunk a little and might have even smoked for a few minutes, but I was just trying to have fun. I just wanted to let loose for a night before I faded back into obscurity.

I don't know if it was the beer or the combination of beer and drugs but I quickly gave in to my desires. I searched all over the party for Dummy and when I finally found him I threw him into one of the bathrooms and locked the door and just started attacking him. He didn't resist , he seemed caught off guard, but also turned on a little and started returning the favor. It was just like that night in my bedroom all over again.

It was like I was in heaven and with every kiss and flick of his tongue I was falling deeper and deeper into nirvana. I took off his shirt and started playing and sucking on his nipples. I wanted to discover every nook and cranny of his body and my tongue was the only way I could do that. He took off my shirt and I unbuttoned his pants. He stopped me and pulled away. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong and felt like I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Dummy: What are you doing?
Me: I want this, I really want this right her, right now.
Dummy: We can't do this here, not in a bathroom, not in my friends bathroom. What if someone hears us.
Me: So they hear.
Dummy: No, I can't do it here. I'm sorry I'm just not comfortable, but we can ditch my brothers an go back to my place and finish this.

I didn't want to wait. I wanted it then and there, so we compromised. No sex just a blowjob. I could deal with that and I made sure to give him the best blowjob he'd ever had. His dick was rock hard and bigger than what I expected. I put every ounce of energy into it and to see his facial expressions just showed that I was doing something right for the first time in my life. He began shaking a little and whispered that he was going to cum. A couple of seconds later my face was covered in all his man juice and all we could do was laugh.

So I guess I must say the weekend turned out to be better than I ever thought it could. I had a lot of fun and now I can focus on my three finals I have this week and next week.

05 December 2008


I'm packing my stuff because Dummy should be here in a minute to pick me up. We were just suppose to go out for the night, but this somehow turned into me spending the weekend with him and his brothers. I guess they have some kind of ritual to get pissy drunk the weekend before finals and he felt like I needed to just relax and let go, which is true to a point. My freshman semester is almost up and I've only been drunk twice so I guess we'll see what happens over the weekend. Be back Monday.


Life has drastically slowed down these last two days. Today was the last official day of classes for me, but I'm still going to tennis on Monday. This post has no meaning so you can stop reading it now, but I have a secret. The most annoying thing in the world is this thing where people don't put commas between the and and the word before.

apples, oranges and bananas

I remember when it was a rule that you had to do this, but learned last year that some new age fuck came through and rewrote the literary books saying that you don't have to do it. It bothers the hell of me and i will always use all my commas.

apples, oranges, and bananas the way it should be written

02 December 2008


Over these last two months with writing this blog I've learned a lot about myself. This blog has been helpful and has kept me sane with all the pressure I've been under these last couple of weeks. I've mad some bad decisions, I've had my moments of weakness, but I've learned from these experiences and I'm grateful for that.

For example, me and Dummy finally had a conversation about what transpired before I left for break. He didn't want to do this in my room so I decided to let him have the upperhand and went over to his place. The conversation was short, he apologized, I forgave him and he just explained to me what he was feeling in that moment.

He said we had became close over the semester and he was glad we could be friends, but somewhere, somehow he started feeling some sexual things towards me. It scared him because he always assumed he was straight and still feels he is because he doesn't feel this way about any other guy. But it was the fact he felt some strange connection with me that he felt he needed to act on it, so when I responded and didn't pull away he was just caught up in the moment and when I abruptly ended it he didn't know how to react.

He felt he had just made the stupidest decision in his life, he was scared what would happen next, and his fight or flight mechanism told him to fight so he lashed out in anger. I've been there before so I accepted his apology, gave him a hug, told him I'd see him tomorrow to finish our project and went back to my dorm.

But the reason I'm writing this post is because I feel if I don't try for something I've always wanted then why do I even wake up in the morning. SO I've decided to apply for a Maymester Study Abroad to France. The program is basically my biggest wet dream and I'm really excited for the first time in my life.

Basically the program revolves around the Cannes Film Festival which is happening around the same time. I haven't looked at the application closely, but I just saw that it requires that you submit a writing sample so over the next few days I plan on scowering the internet for this short story that I wrote in high school about a year ago. I'm hoping its still on my myspace so I can bulk it up, and edit it.

I'm also planning on finally writing a movie script that I've been procrastinating about since high school. I have an idea, I know how I want it to begin but no clue on how it should end so be looking out for that, because I may need you guys help.

Another project I've always wanted to do is a television show. But I only have ideas, but after seeing what a UGA alumnus has done, I know its possible for me to do the same. The idea I've always had was to do a black teen drama. The closest I've seen my entire life would have to be Baldwin Hills on BET, which is basically the black version of Laguna Beach and the Hills, both great shows but not what I wanna do.

I really want to craft a show that shows the world the varying issues that we all face. I want a show that can become apart of pop culture and american culture. Something alone the lines of Beverly Hills, Melrose Place, with a little Saved By the Bell and Moesha thrown into the mix. I just want a show that tackles the issues that the youth of America is faced with. Maybe I should just write a new version of Degrassi, because I guess that would be the type of show I want. A multiracial, varying religions, varying thoughts all colliding in a one hour drama of real high school kids.

But these are all thoughts in my mind until I actually take the time to sit down and put them on paper. So my goal is to start working on the first two this weekend after I finish my two essaqys that are due Thursday.

random thoughts of a busy mind

This is just a random blog post, nothing special, just things that have just ran through my mind all day.

The Ethan guy from 90210 is the same guy from ITLOW as I like to call it or In the Land of Women, that goes out with the daughter of the lady with cancer. It just surprised me that just a little shaving of the head can just change the way you can be perceived.

Does anyone else find this picture a little odd. Maybe its just me, but why is Jim Martin, Ludacris, and Jeezy all in the same picture. Maybe its for some run off we're having today that I highly doubt he has a chance of winning. But I hope I'm wrong.

I left school for less than a week and when I return the whole campus had changed. New fences had been put up, while old ones were taken down. Now I need a new map.

I just got off the phone with Lush and was reminded why she became one of my favorite people, its because she makes me laugh. We've been playing phone tag for about a week and I finally answered her call. Here's how full 5 minute conversation.

Lush:You know I had to make you wait a little. Had to make you wonder just what I wanted. (I had just called her a minute earlier after missing her phone call two minutes earlier)
Me:Sounds like something you'd do.
Lush:Do you like skinny jeans.
Me:No, I have no clue why boys wear skinny jeans.
Lush:So why would you wear skinny jeans.
Me:I can't wear skinny jeans cause my knots don't fit.
Lush:What are knots?
Me:They're my balls.
Lush:Oh, I glad I didn't ask my mom that then.
Me: You know ol' hipster wouldn't know what knots are.
Lush:Yea she would, you know she picks up on slang while she's in court. So why would you send me that text, especially own thanksgiving.
Me:(pondering how to reply until i get a text from D)Hold on a sec....nevermind thats ol' D. She was textin me questions so she could answer them on her math test.
Lush:Well why didn't I think of that, it doesn't matter though cause I'm passing with flying colors. But get this, I'm in College Algebra and D is in Math 97.
Me:What is that.
Lush:Theres College Algebra, then below that is Math 99, and then there's Math 97. I mean she's in classes with June(another girl from our highschool) and its a freakin remedial class. I was like how the hell did that happen.
Me:(busting out laughing until I fall into a wall and hit my head)

So thats the high point of my conversation with Lush, there was some other stuff, but its not really important. I guess what is important is to know Lush and D's history. Basically they've never liked each other their entire lives. They've grown up together, but haven't been friends ever. Everyone always mixes up their names and they get upset at that, but now they go to the same college and its weird for me to hear that they're friends and some of their conversations. But I'm glad they atleast have each other.


beautiful. amazing. speechless.


Its finally here, today is Britney's 27th birthday and her cd comes out today. The documentary was fuckin' awesome and I think the world is ready for her performance in the morning on Good Morning America. I really wanna go to her concert in Atlanta on March 5, but tickets are like $150 with the cheap ones being around $50, and I don't want nosebleed tickets. So I'm hoping that someone buys a ticket for my birthday which is around the same time. The only thing that is really bothering me about the album situation is the fact that Akon is releasing his album on the same day, which confuses the hell out of me. They're both on Zomba and I even think they're both on Jive. Even though they have different audiences why would you want two of your acts going up against each other. I have the same issue with the Luda and Kanye situation with both their album dropping last week. Atleast with Britney and Akon one is pop and the other his more r&b/hip-hop geared, Luda and Kanye both have the same audience. But what do I know, besides the fact that everyone should own the Circus cd.

So go cop that album, trust me, you won't be disappointed.

01 December 2008

elephant cookies

I finally got my sugar cookies that my friend D baked for me over thanksgiving break. Since I didn't go home she had to send them through one of our mutual friends, IV. Interesting story about me and IV. He was the first guy that ever spoke to me when I moved back to my home town during the second grade, he was born two days after me, and his dad went to school with my mom, which only made it possible for us to become best firends.

I have a lot of great memories that we've shared together from trading baseball cards while everyone else played during recess to having sleepovers and talking about random things. Yet somewhere between middle and high school we kinda lost touch. This always nagged at me in the back of my mind because our schedules were largely the same through out the school years. But either way we grew up and made new friends until senior year when we reconnected.

It was in our AP Language class that we came back in contact with each other. It was a class of twelve people and most of the usual suspects decided not to take the class and I didn't even have K so I was basically by myself. Of the twelve students I can say atleast half of them had some type of ill feelings about me, mainly through their relationships with this one guy that has hated me since the second grade. So after the first week for lack of a better word I alligned myself with the other "outcast" in the class, lets call her Lush, because some of my favorite conversations with her happened when she was drunk. Me and Lush never had any type of friendship before this class, she was someone I would say I highly disliked, but we quickly became best friends and we still talk to this day.

So being in this toxic situation I adapted and came out on top. It was the first time in high school I made an A in a language class, had my bestfriend IV at my side again (which is why I'm here at UGA), and I have countless unforgetable conversations and experiences that I share with Lush.

But back to the cookies, and I'm sorry I got sidetracked. D isn't the brightest crayon in the crayola box, but a lot of people don't give her credit and these cookies are an example of this. If you know D, then you know she strongly opposed the election of Obama, and truly believes that some redneck is going to assasinate him before inauguration day. So when I saw that the cookies were in the shape of an elephant I busted out laughing, while IV and everyine else at the bus stop just stared.


I guess I can give her props since she did make them purple and not red.

punk goes crunk

best. album. ever.


I've been in one real relationship in my life and it ended bad. I gave my all to her and she ended up crushing me, but I can't thank her enough. I've crushed a lot on girls and guys, but the closest I've come to a relationship with a guy would be with A, the guy who took my virginity, but that was more or less a friends with benefits kind of situation. I don't think either of us would have been emotionally or mentally ready for the backlash and criticism we would have received if we were "official" or "out".

But now I think I want to at least try and have a relationship with a guy. Its something that I've never done, and being that I'm away from home this would be the perfect place to at least try. So now I guess its time to introduce two new characters to the blog, the two guys that I've met that could potentially evolve into my first real relationship with I guy. I now present Redcoat and 6'7.

In general I have a lot in common with both of these guys, but they're completely different from each other. Both of them can fill a void in my life that the other wouldn't be able to. But I don't know either of them well enough to begin planning for the future, so I'm keeping my options open.

So Redcoat is as you can guess a member of the Redcoat Marching Band here on campus. He's a really cool guy and he's bi like me.He's very social, loves the same tv shows as me, and he's kinda an artistic type of guy. He just got out of a relationship with his ex who was also his best friend so we initially bonded over that fact. He's only been with one guy to my knowledge which happened last year. So I'm more experienced than he is, which doesn't bother me, but when in comes to sex I kinda want the other guy to just take control a little. I just get off on a guy being vocal in the bedroom.

But 6'7 is as you can guess this huge goliath guy. He's 6'7 in height which just blows my mind and he likes sports, he doesn't play basketball which confused me a lot but he did lose his virginity to some college basketball player before he went off to college so that was an interesting conversation. I guess the only problem I have with him so far is the fact that he's never topped and doesn't want to. Sad right, but I can get passed that it gives me a chance to topple a giant. lol.

I like them both and their both 19, and their both sophomores, and their both white. I've never "dated" a white person before. I've done stuff with white girls and have crushed on a couple, but it never made it to the next step. I've tried to take it their, but it would have been too much trouble so I always settled for less.

Its kinda frowned on in my town. I've watched one of my closest friends go through so much drama because of her love for black guys that it got to a point where it was just enough is enough, it just blew my mind how much hatred could be spewed out over the simple fact that their daughter fell in love with a black guy.

Then some other friends went through the same thing. One had it worse than the others and it ended up costing her a lot. Her parents took her car, they refused to pay her way to college, and now she's stuck back home with nowhere to live working at a dead end job. But I guess thats a price you have to pay for love when you live in a bigoted town where you can't have one prom, and instead have to have two proms.

But maybe one day that will change, I know we tried hard my senior year to just have the school prom, but nobody wanted to cooperate so we just dropped it and went our ways and did what was always done. But at least we tried cause

Rome wasn't built in a day.
Sidenote I haven't heard from Dummy since the incident and I didn't make it to class today because I overslept. I'm guessing this is God's way of telling me that nothing good would have came from going to portuguese today.

30 November 2008

back in athens

  • one bi guy in athletic shorts
  • a roomie in his underwear
  • a bi guys boner
  • and a roomie unpacking
add all of this together and you get an uncomfortable situation for me. why did he have to get so hot over the break?

shiny toy guns

If one thing has came out of me and my roommates non-existant relationship it would have to be Shiny Toy Guns. He introduced me to the group, but I never listened to their album until an hour agao and I instantly fell in love with them. Its something I would never go out and buy, but I may have to now. Their two albums are great and are full on gems I encourage everyone to take a listen.

And in honor of this new discovery I decided to share what is currently on my iPod at the moment. All 218 albums in their glorey. The 12 discs at the bottom are for my history of rock class I'm taking and the music on it ranges from Muddy Waters to the Beatles to Run DMC to Nirvana to the Who. So if you see any music that I don't have, but should please leave a comment and give me a heads up.

29 November 2008


It finally happened. After all these years of being the dark crusader he finally dies. Or should I say he's finally murdered. Sad, sad day in the DC world. Though I'm not a big fan of anything DC does Batman and the Green Lantern have always had a special place in my heart along with the Teen Titans and Static Shock cartoons.

The best thing to come out of this would be the new Batman being a woman, highly unlikely, but if the new Black Panther can be a woman then why not batman?


I'm sorry but I have to post this last performance, because she was "on" the other performances were good, but this is the best one. I feel like a child on christmas day. Only two more days until she performs this and much more on GMA.

all hail the tech

I just have to take a study break, after receiving some bad news. We lost to Georgia Tech today and this just solidified my thoughts. Georgia sucks, we really do. We went from being the preseason #1 to just sucking. It was downhill from the Alabama game, but even the games before that weren't blow outs could never understand why our game against Georgia Southern was as close as it was.

So yea, Georgia sucks and I really think I'm owed money for investing all my time into Georgia football. This is why I don't do sports, because my team never wins. The only upside to this situation is atleast my high school is on its way to going to the Dome for the first time since 2002 I think. So hopefully in two weeks I'll be in the A watching them when their first State Title since 1948.


Is my biggest vice. I just always put things off. I find the best way for me to study is to lock myself in my bathroom and lay in my tub. Its the only place I can really concentrate, so maybe that's where I'll be for the next few hours doing the said work.

  • 5 page essay entitled Seattle: the Making of a Kyoto Revolution
  • Study guide for US History final
  • Splinterbelly flyer
  • Portuguese project, consisting of 3 posters and a travel guide
  • Downloading music and movies
  • Nap time

love is a losing game

28 November 2008


I'm feeling really numb right now, but there's no reason to feel like this. I feel overly exposed, naked, and vulnerable all things that I'm not comfortable with. I wish I could just go into a dark room, crawl into the fetal position, cut on some of britney's moodier work (blur, shattered glass, everytime, unusual you) and just let all the emotions and tears overtake me, but I can't.

I have to put on my strong face and lie some more to myself and the rest of the world. Right now I should be the happiest kid in the world. Thanksgiving break is actually going well for the first time in my life, Black Friday was a success even though I didn't get my external hard drive I got everything else, and I didn't spend a dime. Except for the seven dollars on the chinese food yet at this moment my body is numb because I have a problem and I guess the first step to recovery is acceptance.

I just want to say thank you to Jay, he has a great blog and he helped me realize that I'm not the only person in this world that has been victimized as a child. I guess my problem is I never let myself feel like a victim, I've never fully dealt with all the emotional scars that were left and now I'm reaping the after effects. But I'm sorry for being so down today so here's a blog that I wrote, but never posted about my friend D. Hopefully you find it funny.


No matter how racist she is, and no matter how much we didn't get along in high school she is always there to pick me up. Whether she knows it or not, she's the light at the end of the tunnel and the driving force behind me right now. I haven't done my best this first semester in college and I'll be lucky if I only make one C, but she's helped me sort out my priorities and understand whats really important to me right now, and at this moment my first semester is not at the top of the list. I will study my ass off over the break and go hard on my finals, but if all else fails I'm gonna chalk this first semester up to experience and call it a wash because none of the classes reflected what I want to become.

I want to be an artist. I want to be a graphic designer. I want to be a screenwriter, director, the next big thing, but the only way to do that is by reaching out to touch the sky. Putting my self out on that ledge and believing that I'm not gonna fall, that I will live to do it again the next day, and thats why I'm so excited for next semester. I start my art classes then and hopefully I'll be able to learn some new things and actually want to get up in the morning. So I leave you all with this, a picture of my self that my friend D drew of me.
I told yal she was racist, because for some reason everytime she draws me I look like a monkey boy.

27 November 2008

happy thanksgiving pt. 3

Okay this is going to be my last what I'm thankful for post, but please don't get me confused as someone who's not thankful for his family and friends cause I am. These are just off the wall things that I just realized that I'm thankful for. And I just realized that I'm thankful for the word "realized" because if there was a drinking game for everytime I used the word "realized" in some shape or form a lot of people would be drunk right now. But that's besides the point back to Karrine.

I am thankful for Cal State Northridge University for having Karrine Steffans come give a speech at their university, because I really never appreciated my University until now. SO I leave you all with the best quotes from the unquotable Karrine "Superhead" Steffans.

"I got more stuff than I need. I'll be alright in my one bedroom apartment,......with my foodstamps."

"Be careful what you ask for, because you might FUCK AROUND and just get it."


"I just want people to go get their education. Men you can't rap. Stop tryin to be rappers."

Maybe that's why I'm biseual now, because I never wanted to be a rapper I just wanted to be someone who could sit at home all day and paint the world with his 24 pack of crayolas.


This is basically a piture of my first real man crush. They're was just something about his eyes that drew me to him and then he had the curly hair. The funny thing is I met him once on some math competition that I got chosen to do and the next ting I know my friend wanted me to hook them up, luckily she fell for my white brother.

Well the next year I was lucky enough to have a class with him and we actually became close. He was easy to talk to, mainly because he never talked, but when he did it was more of a whisper so you had to get close to him to hear. He even took me home a couple of times.

But he is the one guy that if I had to be with for the rest of my life I would probably choose him. Unfortunately he's straight as far as I know, but in the back of my mind I feel like he wants me just as much as I want him. Maybe its the fact that he was always touching on me. Maybe its the fact that he would hold my hands and rub on my legs under the tables and desks in class. Or maybe its the fact that he told me that we were going to run away together one day. Who really knows?

But the reason for the picture is he sent me a text and this picture of his new haircut. It shocked the hell out of me because he cut his hair, but he still looks as sexy as ever to me and now I can see his eyes a mile away so I guess it was for the best and this made me go finally get a haircut and a shave. But here is our short conversation that just had me laughing and smiling throughout the day.

Me: Can't wear skinny jeans, cause my knots don't fit.
T: My mom wants some skinny jeans. Happy thanksgiving. Wish you would have cam home. *sad face.

happy thanksgiving pt. 2

SL Tyra
Uploaded by kitgirl
I am thankful for Tyra, fore without her Be would have never given me what I've always wanted. The best live performance of Single Ladies, and to think it only took two men to do just that.


Just a beautiful cover I felt the need to share. Really like how its swiitches between Rogue's two costumes.

happy thanksgiving

I'm thankful for Britney.

26 November 2008

young x-men

I didn't want to bog the blog down with another personal post, so I decided to share with you all another one of my loves. Over the summer I recently discovered that I really like comics. A friend of mine introduced me to the Runaways series and it instantly meshed with where I was in life.

The next step for me was obviously X-men. I loved all the movies, all the cartoon shows, so I felt it was time I head to the source material. So far they've all been good and I fell in love with the New X-Men update that they had been doing, but eventually it was cancelled and they created a new series called the Young X-Men for whatever reasons.

The series started off rough. I couldn't really get through most of the issues, but I wanted to get through the first four for the simple fact it still involved one of my favorite new mutants Dust. Well I'm glad I stuck with it, because it has completely turned around with the seventh issue. To find out that one of them isn't a mutant and one is dying just completely blew my mind. I'm really looking forward to where it all goes now.

25 November 2008

home 4 the holidays

I'm finally home for the holidays after driving four hours to Savannah and it feels weird. I miss my dorm room, but more importantly I miss my real home where all of my friends are right now. But I don't have a reliable internet connection here, so I'll post when I can.

Hope everyone has a great holiday.

24 November 2008

uh oh, pt. 2

A couple of days I go I said that I knew I was gonna do something bad in a couple of hours. Turns out I'm not as weak as I thought. I've been alone in my dorm since Friday and when I'm bored my mind quickly thinks about sex. Well I've had a crush on this one guy in my portuguese class for a while. Luckily we chose each other to be partners for our oral quiz.

So the plan for Sunday night was to just go over what we were going to say in our quiz, but his roommate which just so happened to be the guy I hooked up with the previous week texted me that he may want to do more. After getting over the initial shock that the one guy I had sex with is the roommate of the one guy I had a crush on was just fuckin' with my mind frame.

It just blew my mind, because we'd talked about his girlfriend before in class on several occasions, but I didn't let that get me down. I was all amped to finally see if I could close the deal on my crush, but with most guys they say stupid shit and it was down hill from there. This is basically what happened.

Dummy: So I heard about you and my roommate.
Me: Wow, so I'm guessin he told you.
Dummy: Yea, I mean when you gotta have it you just gotta have it.
Me: Yea, if you say so. Is this gonna be a problem between us. The fact that I may sleep with boys.
Dummy: No, no I mean why should I have a problem it actually turned me on when he told me.
Me: (laughing out loud) You're kidding me right? Don't you have a girlfriend.
Dummy: Yea, but you know we've been together for two years. We're practically married and she's still a prude in bed. Lets just say I'm ready for new things.

And after that he leaned in and kissed me, and I think I was in heaven. If you've been following the blog then you know I've never kissed anyone in my life, so when he just leaned in and started kissing me my mind just went racing. I was just lost in the moment, all my senses were racing and it was just pure ecstasy.

We were going at it pretty hard and ended up rolling around on my twin sized bed. One things leads another and he's unbuttoning his pants and taking mine off. He basically has me begging for him to fuck me and then it happens.

Me: You got a condom.
Dummy: No, I actually just used the last one, but I got lube.

And he says it in this nonchalant way just full with arrogance like he knows either way he's about to get some. Lets just say our night didn't end so well. I was called all kinds of sluts, and hoes, and freaks before he left my room. So maybe the night didn't go how I wanted it too, but I'm proud of myself. No matter how good that felt nor how much I wanted it I stopped it before it was too late and I'm happy i did.

The night wasn't a total waste. I got my first real kiss from my first college crush and he said I was a great kisser for someone who had never been kissed, and I have the battle wounds to prove it.Now does anyone know what I should do, don't want my mother asking me all these questions? And I kinda wanna know whats gonna happen between me and Dummy after this horrible night, I can't afford a F in portuguese, especially not in the last week of class.

I also need to shave.