numb

I'm feeling really numb right now, but there's no reason to feel like this. I feel overly exposed, naked, and vulnerable all things that I'm not comfortable with. I wish I could just go into a dark room, crawl into the fetal position, cut on some of britney's moodier work (blur, shattered glass, everytime, unusual you) and just let all the emotions and tears overtake me, but I can't.

I have to put on my strong face and lie some more to myself and the rest of the world. Right now I should be the happiest kid in the world. Thanksgiving break is actually going well for the first time in my life, Black Friday was a success even though I didn't get my external hard drive I got everything else, and I didn't spend a dime. Except for the seven dollars on the chinese food yet at this moment my body is numb because I have a problem and I guess the first step to recovery is acceptance.

I just want to say thank you to Jay, he has a great blog and he helped me realize that I'm not the only person in this world that has been victimized as a child. I guess my problem is I never let myself feel like a victim, I've never fully dealt with all the emotional scars that were left and now I'm reaping the after effects. But I'm sorry for being so down today so here's a blog that I wrote, but never posted about my friend D. Hopefully you find it funny.

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No matter how racist she is, and no matter how much we didn't get along in high school she is always there to pick me up. Whether she knows it or not, she's the light at the end of the tunnel and the driving force behind me right now. I haven't done my best this first semester in college and I'll be lucky if I only make one C, but she's helped me sort out my priorities and understand whats really important to me right now, and at this moment my first semester is not at the top of the list. I will study my ass off over the break and go hard on my finals, but if all else fails I'm gonna chalk this first semester up to experience and call it a wash because none of the classes reflected what I want to become.

I want to be an artist. I want to be a graphic designer. I want to be a screenwriter, director, the next big thing, but the only way to do that is by reaching out to touch the sky. Putting my self out on that ledge and believing that I'm not gonna fall, that I will live to do it again the next day, and thats why I'm so excited for next semester. I start my art classes then and hopefully I'll be able to learn some new things and actually want to get up in the morning. So I leave you all with this, a picture of my self that my friend D drew of me.
I told yal she was racist, because for some reason everytime she draws me I look like a monkey boy.