i fail...

....fore he is the galaxy, and i'm just a lowly star.

currently watching Independence Day

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

what kind of fuckery is his. do i give off some kind of scent. is it the pheromones. what the fuck is it. why are all the people i like in my fuckin life fuckin LACTOSE INTOLERANT. what kind of fuckery is that. i love my milk. i drink it on the regular. i love my pizza. i love my double cheeseburgers. i love my lasagna. i just love a fuckin cold glass of milk, but i can't have it. because everyone i like is fucking LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

bestfriend #4-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
bestfriend # 5-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
K-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
CUMMY-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
and now YOU

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

i give up on life. i'm gonna go join a convent with the nuns.

currently listening to Scream by Michael Jackson ft. Janet Jackson

imma fuck the world, but this is foreplay

i'm sorry i assume all guys enjoy gay sex. i'm sorry. thats just how my mind works. i'm sorry i mistook your glances at me as foreplay. what the fuck was i thinking when i caught you looking at me looking a you? i'm sorry that i was bored and thought you wanted to play. it happens to the best of us sometimes, and today jus wasn't my day. but i'm really sorry at he fact that you were secure enough in your sexualliy that my advances at you were welcomed with a smile and an introducion to the woman sitting beside you. i just hope your girl can work out all those insecurities she has within herself and her relationship, because the way she stormed out reminded me of my 5 year old cousin.

but i'm still sorry.

currently lisening to 25 Reasons by Nivea

i tend to lose my car

I tend to lose my car on a daily basis. Sometimes I recover quickly and realize where I parked it. Other times I'm not so lucky. Today was one of those days. I left my dorm, walked down the stairs, crossed the street, and entered my parking lot. Headed towards where I parked my car and noticed the spot was empty. My car was gone.

The first thing I always think when I get into this position is what happened to my first car, and then I get a little flustered. I think my car is towed, I jump up and down for a second, then I tell myself to think. I think for a bit and and start pressing the panic button in all directions. If I can't hear the car then I assume its been towed. Its a reasonable assumption since I owe UGA a 40 dollar parking ticket and they're known for towing and putting boots on people's cars, like a 12 o'clock class on Wednesday.

After a few minutes have passed I give up the search for my car and begin heading back to my dorm, with my head hung low. "Dammit, moms is gonna be mad" I think but in the corner of my eye I see a familiar piece of furniture. It's my car. Turns out I parked closer than what I thought I did. I hop in the car, head to the dining hall, and notice Posh is calling me. I answer and have a thirty minute conversation laughing my ass off.

All is well in my post acceptance world. Things are truly looking up.

currently listening to:Breathe Me-Sia

one problem

I'm about to head back to athens now. Home was fun, and I think I'm coming back Friday. My moms gave me a whole week to relax before the job search commences, so I think I shall spend it relieving high school experiences that I missed.

Oh yeah, I think I shall start a band. An all acoustic band. With me and my vocoder. One problem though. I only know the first eight notes to hey there delilah, my guitar is out of tune, and I don’t have a vocoder. Any suggestions.

4

I need to be honest for a second.

But I don't know how. I've written and erased and started over on this post more than three times, and the only thing that has remained constant is that first line. So maybe I should focus less on trying to be coherent?(I don't think thats the right word) and focus more on what I wanted to say in this post.

It's 5:12 and I'm sleepy.

It's 5:32 and my ear is bleeding. I've been writing and deleting everything I say because I know there will be some oblique reference that someone I care about will read. They'll read it and they won't make a comment about it on here, but they'll ask me about it later. I'll probably lie to them and say it was no big deal. It wasn't about you. Or something along those lines, because I don't want them to know how important they are to me.

I think some people can handle that knowledge. Others can't.

I've been listening to Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" for the last hour. The song came out in 2001, I think. I was 11. It was also the year that everything changed. 2001 will always be the year I relate to "the year everything changed" because it did. I was 11. Aaliyah died that year. September 11 happened. I met K. I began masturbating. I almost lost my virginity. Everything really did change that year, but I could never understand this song. I didn't even like Maxwell. I was 11, what the fuck did I look like listening to Maxwell for. He was for the grown and sexy and I was 11. This was also the year I fell in love with Pink.

Like I said, everything changed that year. "Family Portrait," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "My Vietnam," all songs that I could relate too, and I loved every second I spent listening to it. I also realized that segregation was not over and racism still existed. I guess if there was one thing I could change about 2001 it would be that. There was a incident in the gym one morning, I wanna say August 23. Not sure about the date though. All I know is this was the day I realized that my world was divided into two camps. Black and White. And if you weren't white then you were black. No questions asked. I didn't understand it, but I quickly learned and obeyed this rule.

Its 5:48 and this post isn't turning out how I wanted it to. It was suppose to be all the things I want to say, but never do because I don't want to offend anyone. So I guess I'll just list what I wanted to address but failed to.

• the fact that i push people away on purpose
• i'm not worthy of the people i push away which is why i do it
• the fact that more than one person has said to me "i don't know why i put up with you"
• i don't know why you put up with me either which is why i push you away
• the fact that earlier this week and earlier today i thought about cutting myself
• i would never do it, because it would hurt, but i know how and where i would
• how: my trusty x-acto knife
• where: legs maybe, hands definately, arms maybe, wrists never cause thats jus crazy
• if someone asks me about this, i will vehemently deny it and call you crazy
  
• the fact that im sinical when people say they care for me
• the fact that i actually care for these same people but cant fathom why they care for me
• have to pray for x
• robby was m.i.a. today
  
• no one said nonsense or told me i need jesus today
• ks actually reads this?
  
• i think i spelled sinical wrong
• other random things that i cant remember because its 6:03 and now i'm hungry

So lets end on a high note. My moms said yes to the fish idea. So as soon as I get in Savannah we're going fish buying, but now I kinda want a pet turtle instead. But what I really want is a pet panda, supposedly they sale them in Chinatown in downtown LA. But you have to talk to the right person, and yoou have to be Asian. But if you find these secret minitaure pet pandas they also have pet giraffes and lions, but no hungry, hungry hippos. And being that I still view the world through my childhood eyes I actually believe this. And if I fins out that this is all a lie, Ill be pretty sad, because I already named by pet panda.

Its 6:10 and I'm finally gonna go to sleep. I've been up 23 hours, but all I want is a cookie. Sugar preferably. But all I have are Girl Scouts.

currently listening to:This Woman's Worth-Kate Bush

just wanna feel loved. i wanna feel like im needed. =x
-J

clean shaven

I came this close _ to shaving my fucking beard off. I had plugged in the clippers, turned them on, and had even started cutting some hair. As I watched clippings of hair start to fall into the sink it hit me. It took almost a year to get my beard to connect to my mustache and there is NO WAY I'm goin back to the days when people would ask me "why is that side not connected" sorry guys just can't do it. Nope. Never. I'm too black for that. Better luck next time. :P

currently listening to:I Don't Want You Back-Eamon

.....sigh

It seems there was a tornado in my home town today and I was the last to know about it. I'm guesing everyone in my family is okay, because I haven't received any phonecalls from the mom. I'm okay, its not like I can freak out about it, because if I did then who would calm K down? Nobody, thats who. So as I type this I'm talking with her making sure she knows that everything will be okay and the reason she can't get in contact with her grandmother is because the lines are down. It seems to be working so lets hope I'm right.

The three people I'm worried most about are Lush, D, and H. I spoke to Lush and she said everything was okay and is doing her homework by candlelight. The thing that upset her most was the fact that her college held her hostage, and she tried her best to escape, unfortunately her best wasn't enough. D on the other hand had a different experience. She was actually in town during the tornado and thought it was really neat. But doesn't like all the limbs on her yard or the four pecan trees that fell. Weird kid, but I love her. So I'm just waiting for H to call or text me back, but if I know her schedule correctly she has classes on Mondays and was probably at school, so I'm sure she's good too.

currently listening to:Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap

is upper lower class

conversation over facebook

J is upper lower class

friend comments: i'm just plain lower class

J replies: yeah, sucks for you. it took me 19 years, seven jobs, and two major changes to work my way up to upper lower class and i aint never goin back

friend replies: lol

Remember Rick, he's the guy I met a month ago, dated for a few weeks, fell in love for a few days, he broke my heart in a few minutes so I keyed his car, bleached his clothes, and set all his books on fire. Just kidding about the keying the car, bleaching the clothes, and burning the books. It wasn't that serious, we just didn't talk for a week, and somewhere during all of that I somehow ended up in a drunken, drug-induced threesome that I don't remember, but I've seen the video, with him and his friend named Julio. Remember his name because he plays an important part in the story.

So over the course of the week a lot of things have happened between me, Julio, and Rick. Rick and Julio are apart of a larger clandestine organization I lovingly refer to as the Mexican Mafia. Imagine a group of twelve Mexicans terrorizing your local mini mart or circle K. The Mexican Mafia consists of 6 guys and 6 girls, and Rick just happens to be apart of the group. To say the Mexican Mafia hates me may be the understatement of the year.

Somehow I'm to blame for all the internal friction they've been experiencing the last few weeks. Before I came into Rick's life the group was fine and never argued, but lately that hasn't been the case. The one incident in particular they blame me for is the fight between Rick and Julio that happened a few days after me and Rick broke up or a few days before, I'm not really sure. Lets just say during the fight Rick came out to the Mafia and brought Julio with him. The Mexican Mafia is okay with that, they just weren't too happy that the fight happened. They're family and families don't fight.

So one day this past week I finally got to meet the entire Mafia. Rick asked me to lunch, I said yes, and when I got there I was greeted to a scene of twelve Mexicans staring daggers into my soul. In my mind the meeting was a success. We exchanged our pleasantries, they denounced my name, told me to stay away from Rick, I gave my rebuttal, and left. I had all my limbs intact and called the day a success.

I'm guessing they didn't see it as a success because Rick and I have continued hanging out and as a result, whenever I come across Julio (which is frequently because he lives on the same floor as Rick) he takes the chance to tell me how much a slut/ho/bitch/trick I am. He's actually pretty cute when he does this so I don't mind too much, but I guess he finally got to me this afternoon in the parking lot.

I was walking to my car and here comes Julio. His car was parked beside mine and he began his usual banter with me. Ho, trick, slut. But this time something in me just went off. All I could picture was Tiffany from College Hill: South Beach screaming

I'm a ticking time bomb and I'm about to go off.

And I did. I punched Julio twice. Once in the nose and once in the eye. Got in my car and proceeded to drive to the Art School where I finally noticed this red fluid covering my knuckles. And then I began to feel bad. Moms would definitely not be proud of me if she knew about this. Dad, maybe, but not moms. She would freak and start yelling and tell me to go to my room and think about what I've done. Then she would realize that I don't have a room and send me to the garage, where I would then jam out to Danity Kane.

Sorry moms, but it felt good.

But yeah, I shouldn't have punched the kid, but there comes a time when you just have to let go and go with your gut instincts. And I did, but the moral of the story is even if you punch a guy in the face they still may not learn their lesson. Because even after that I saw Julio again tonight and his words to me were

J you aint nothin' but an upper lower class bitch.

Te kid was lucky that I had some food in my hand and moms also taught me never to waste food cause there are kids starving in Africa.

currently listening to:Danity Kane-Welcome to the Dollhouse & Danity Kane

i feel like death

You know how some people get angry when they're drunk well I do the same thing except I'm a mean sick. When I'm sick I'm really not a guy you wanna be around. I just don't wanna deal with anyone, especially if you're gonna be smiling and laughing and talking to me. Its just not necessary. You see I don't feel good, so why keep asking me whats wrong. Its like, come on, back the fuck up, you're in my personal bubble.

So yeah I'm sick. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I can feel my body shutting down, I'm lethargic¹, every five seconds I'm sneezing, and I hate UGA².

I guess the biggest issue with me being sick is I don't do what you're suppose to do. I'm the middle child of three, and when your two brothers are basically hypochondriacs its hard to really get attention when you're sick. My mom was always to busy trying to diagnose and cure my two brothers of all their millions of ailments. So by the time she noticed that I had stopped eating and was sleeping the hours away it was too late for a quick fix.

Which I guess I'm happy with. I love my immune system, and its incredible. I usually only get sick around my birthday and maybe a cold here or there. But with this crazy south georgia weather³, all the pollen filling my lungs, and not really sleeping I guess I made myself a little vulnerable. Hence the feeling of death upon me and the hysterical sneezing fits I get into. But other than that everything else seems to be going pretty well. I'm drinking plenty of water, and I finally took a pill for the sneezing and sinuses, and I may even go to the doctor⁴ tomorrow. Maybe.

-----

I don't know if you guys noticed, but I'm testing out a new format that I stole from x. Tell me if you like it, or if its too annoying. I don't think all the posts will be like this, but some will.

1.I woke up late again tomorrow and after driving my car to the art school, I ran into the building and crashed on the floor underneath my drawing horse. Boy was that floor comfy, now I just have to wash my jacket from all the charcoal I laid in. Also my usual two minute walk from the art school to the dining hall took about ten minutes today. I just kept sitting down and stopping. Plus it was kinda cold.

2.I hate UGA, but more specifically I hate the Lamar Dodd School of Art. It seems that I can't register for any of my studio art classes until after I pass my portfolio review May 1. Problem is, I plan on going to summer school. But I can't sign up for the two classes I wanna take until I know I've passed my portfolio. There's only one class for each. The draw II class holds 18 students while the 3D design class holds 14. So yeah, unless I'm really, really lucky it doesn't look like I'll be going to summer school. And that just fucks up all my plans. Plus it means I have to get a job in Savannah(this place smells like fish) and I'll be sleeping on the garage floor or in a uncomfortable pull out sofa bed. meh.

3.Its fuckin April and its really really cold. Yesterday it snowed for an hour, the day before that it was freezing, the day before that it was hot as fuck, the day before that it was raining, the day before that it was a tornado warning/watch, and the day before that it was raining. Who ever said global warming was a lie, is a fuckin LIE.

4.I kinda have a fear of doctors. I believe one of the reasons why they say I have high blood pressure is the fact that I instantly get nervous when I step into a hospital or a doctors office. I just cant fully relax.

so im the fuckin antichrist eh

Dear Blood Bank,

Just wanted to say fuck you and everyone who supports you. And give me back my pint of blood I gave last year in high school. I can't give blood just because I sleep with guys from time to time. What the fuck is up with that. Can straight people not catch an STD now. Cause thats a load of shit. B positive, B muthafuckin positive. And I'ma keep all of it in my body. No blood for you.

Fuck you guys you make me disgusted to even be human, and all I wanted was to give some muthafuckin blood tomorrow.

Sincerely,
a pissed blogger
J

deleted posts

So basically a few people commented about a couple of ghost blogs I posted yesterday. If I remember correctly I did six of them, but only three of them are still online. I was having a stressful day. And when I’m stressed I either have sex, I write, or I draw. Sex was out of the question, lately drawing has become somewhat of a stressful activity, so I decided to write. Hence the missing posts.

In one of them I insinuated that I regretted ever doing this blog, which is a lie, and I was gonna take a hiatus and decide whether I wanted to continue blogging anymore. Well I’m happy to report that the blog will be staying up. I’m too young to retire, and there’s a lot more of my life you guys still don’t know about yet. Hell I only know 19 years of the story, and I wanna see what happens too. But the one thing I did regret was leaving the blog, and actually letting people into my life whether that be from MSN conversations, telephone calls, or text messaging.



I talk to a few people online. All of them are great guys and I enjoy the brief time we’re actually able to talk. (KS where are you, its been 3 weeks I bought my ticket to Vietnam, don’t make me fly over there and find you) But there is a core three that I guess you could say I’m closest to, and of those three one guy stands out the most. I’ve told him a lot of things I haven’t yet went into here on the blog, some things I haven’t even told close friends. And therein lies the problem.

I treat him like he’s my best friend. He’s easy to talk to, he listens, and he tells me his point of view of things. But I don’t think he sees me the same way. To him (I believe) I’m just another guy. A guy he can actually talk about gay related issues or just life issues in general. I take our friendship more seriously while I don’t believe he does, I don’t even believe he sees this “relationship” as a friendship.

For the simple fact that we’ve argued before and he’s basically came to the conclusion that I’m too emotional at times, and can be aggravating, so maybe its just better if we never talk. And my only counter to that is I may seem too emotional because I care if we’re friends or not, while your brick wall of composure you keep putting up only makes me think you don’t care. Even if thirty minutes later you send a text saying that you do care, and just wanted me to know. And that to me just sounds like you’re saying that just incase I finally come to my senses and realize that I was being moody and over emotional and realize you were being rational and compose that I shouldn’t hold a grudge or be mad, because through it all you “care.”

But I’m finding it hard to believe that you do, and it sucks.

But back to real life, real issues, and the things he says I should be focused on. I eventually did end up having sex last night. And if you read the previous post you know how it turned out. It was my first time topping in a long, long time and the first time I took someone’s virginity, albeit only in the ass. I had already been his first guy, but last night it was his first time bottoming.

So after the sex, I started studying, took a quick power nap, and was in Art History by 12. Took the quiz and knew all the answers except for maybe two or three questions, so I’m excited to see the results. Mt English professor extended our first drafts deadline til’ tonight so I’ll be doing that today. And did I mentioned it was snowing for an hour. How crazy is that. I mean you gotta love this south Georgia weather.

So today was a good day. I mean today is a good day, and I hope everyone else is feeling that joy that I am right now.

bitch

ugh! its too early for this shit!

ouch

DAMN EYE! I TOOK THE FUCKIN CONTACTS OUT AND IM WEARING MY DAMN GLASSES WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME! I SAID I WAS SORRY SO DAMMIT, CAN YOU FUCKIN STOP BURNING AND TURN BACK TO YOUR NATURAL SHADE OF WHITE. THIS RED EYE LOOK JUST INST WORKING FOR ME.

i said its based on factual events. factual!

Oh man its two in the morning, guess i'll finish this post later.

dreaming again

I'm not a superstitious guy, but I do believe in signs. I believe that there are signs all around us that tell us what we need to do we just don't take the time to notice them. But then there are those signs that are sent to us that they're kinda hard to miss.

I plan on moving to Cali in January. Don't ask me why, don't ask me why, just know that I am coming to Cali in January. And I believe this is where I'm meant to be for example. I have a fear of elevators. When I was younger I got stuck in an elevator in a building with 21 floors. I was in Texas, at a family reunion and for some reason the elevator wanted to play a game with me. I remember being scared out of my mind as I was trapped in this enclosed space for twenty minutes before some random guy was able to open the door when the elevator stopped on the 11th floor. And from that day on I stayed away from elevators.

There's only a couple of instances when I will get on an elevator. 1. its unfeasible to take the stairs and 2. I'm doing laundry. My dorm has four floors, a basement, and a sub-basement. I live on the second floor and the laundry room is in the basement, therefore I'm forced to use the elevator. If I don't use the elevator then I become this sweaty black guy carrying fifty pounds of clothing up and down two flights of stairs and the only time people ever wanna see a sweaty black guy is when he's naked. And then we all make an exception, because the sexiest thing in the world is having a naked, sweaty black guy lean over you.

So today I was so bored with my life I said to myself. Self, you have a research paper due in three weeks maybe you should do some research. And myself replied, J I think you're right. Lets head to the library and do said research. Only problem is, I've never been to the library before. So I call up Em, ask her where the library is, and start walking to it. I walk in the library, asks a librarian how to look up books, and I'm on my way, but wait there's just one problem.

The library has 7 floors, a basement, and a sub-basement full of books, and all the books I need are on the 5th and 6th floor. I mean I could walk, but I just walked to the library, so my only option is one of the three tiny, wood paneled elevators. I take a deep breath, wait for one to arrive, and in I go.

1st floor
2nd floor
3rd floor

everything is goin well

4th floor
5th floor
6th floor

The elevator stops, but the doors don't open. Great! I'm stuck in a fucking elevator once again.I call the operator and they say someone should be there in a second to see what the problem is. So I sit for a while and no one comes, but I'm okay because I'm just happy I haven't started freaking out yet. I calculate I have enough air to breath for a few hours and worst case scenario I can get my Peter Petrelli on and just fly out the top of the elevator shaft. But then I notice something.

I get off my but, get on all fours, and put my head close to the floor. Damn, the fucking elevator is made by OTIS. A couple of seconds later the doors open and I'm greeted by some blond tri-delta and a look of disgust. IM SO SORRY THAT I WAS STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR FOR TWENTY MINUTES AND I REVERTED BACK TO MY CAVEMAN WAYS. So yeah if that isn't a sign that I'm meant to be in cali attending Otis then I don't know what is. I even managed to take a pic of the floor of the elevator to show you guys.
---------
Sidenote, does anyone else believe in deja-vu. I do and I've been experiencing it a lot lately. I hade a case of it today in my english class, which I was late too. I don't know what they mean, but I know I have them a lot. And eveytime I have one I convince myself that I'm gonna start writing down my dreams, so I can look out for these deja-vu moments. But I never write them down so I can never look out.
-----------

Last but not least. My friend is on spring break and that means no more MSN conversations for him and I until he gets back. But this did allow us to finally talk on the phone. I must say its finally nice to put a voice to a face, and he made me feel better about my voice. He said I sounded exactly how he pictured me to sound so that made me feel good. He also said I sound like a cowboy, which I'm also happy about, because I hate when people call me country. Yes I'm country, but for so many other reasons and my voice isn't one of them. So saying I sound like a cowboy made me smile a little bit. The only other thing is he said I always sound tired when we talk. Which is probably true, because all our conversations are usually happening around or after 1 o'clock my time and I usually am tired. But I always lie and say I'm not, because I actually wanna talk to him and usually if you tell someone you're sleepy they get off the phone so you can go to sleep. So now you know, the reason I always sound tired when we talk, is because I usually am tired. ^__. Like right now, I told him I was going to sleep like 15 minutes ago and its 2:51 and I'm still not sleep. Maybe I should just hit the sack, close my eyes, and hope for the best.
-------------

OMG, I just realized today is April 1, which means its April Fools Day. YAY ME. April Fools Day is one of my favorite holidays if not my favorite. Its up there with St. Patrick's Day and Labor Day, you know the under appreciated holidays, but I love them because they don't involve seeing family or giving and receiving presents. But I don't wanna get my hopes because I was disappointed with my first St. Patrick's Day experience. Yeah, I saw a lot of drunk college students, but I see that almost every night. I was expecting to see hords of people wearing green, and that just didn't happen. So lets hope someone pulls atleast one April Fools Joke, even if its one of those lame ones where you tell someone you love/like them and when they say really/aww thanks you scream out April Fools.

secret #6

One of the things I hate the most is when you get it in your mind that you're gonna be mad or sad today. Maybe you wake up go to class and when you get there everything just goes to shit. Your teacher chews you out in front of the class. Maybe she class you a fucking liar. Who knows, but you set it in your mind that for the rest of the day you're going to be sad or maybe even mad.

But there always seems to be that one friend that refuses to let you stay in that funk. They crack jokes, they make funny comments, they do whatever it takes to make you smile. At first you ignore it and pretend like you don't care. But it gets to a point where you're mad at yourself. You're mad because you don't wanna laugh, but its to a point where you have to laugh. And then you finally break, you laugh, you smile, and that bad feeling is gone.

Yea I'm sure this is a good thing, but damn I hate when it happens.

FAILWHALE STRIKES AGAIN

I woke up this morning and I actually knew what day of the week it was. Yay me! Its Thursday and not Friday, so I'm really excited that I wasn't confused. But on a sadder note the FAILWHALE strikes again. I've basically decided that I won't be doing anything for this 200th post. Officially this is actually my 202 post, but there are two posts I haven't posted yet. One kinda serious the other just funny filler. So unofficially this is the 200th post.

Looks like you won x. But where the fuck were you last night?

can someone help me?

Sorry the last post was so cryptic, but it was 3 in the morning and I was sleepy as fuck. But somehow as I was crawling onto my sofa I had one of my world famous "what the fuck are you doing j" moments which caused the last post. So I'm okay, I'm not ending the blog, and me and Al are still going to be friends I'm just not focused on making him my boyfriend or looking for one at the moment. I'm 19, I should be having fun, I have the rest of my life to be tied down. So that's where I am right now.

But can someone help me? How can I backup my blog. I have this weird feeling that somehow my blog is gonna be shut down or I'll lose all the posts, but I don't want that to happen. Any suggestions.