I need to be honest for a second.
But I don't know how. I've written and erased and started over on this post more than three times, and the only thing that has remained constant is that first line. So maybe I should focus less on trying to be coherent?(I don't think thats the right word) and focus more on what I wanted to say in this post.
It's 5:12 and I'm sleepy.
It's 5:32 and my ear is bleeding. I've been writing and deleting everything I say because I know there will be some oblique reference that someone I care about will read. They'll read it and they won't make a comment about it on here, but they'll ask me about it later. I'll probably lie to them and say it was no big deal. It wasn't about you. Or something along those lines, because I don't want them to know how important they are to me.
I think some people can handle that knowledge. Others can't.
I've been listening to Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" for the last hour. The song came out in 2001, I think. I was 11. It was also the year that everything changed. 2001 will always be the year I relate to "the year everything changed" because it did. I was 11. Aaliyah died that year. September 11 happened. I met K. I began masturbating. I almost lost my virginity. Everything really did change that year, but I could never understand this song. I didn't even like Maxwell. I was 11, what the fuck did I look like listening to Maxwell for. He was for the grown and sexy and I was 11. This was also the year I fell in love with Pink.
Like I said, everything changed that year. "Family Portrait," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "My Vietnam," all songs that I could relate too, and I loved every second I spent listening to it. I also realized that segregation was not over and racism still existed. I guess if there was one thing I could change about 2001 it would be that. There was a incident in the gym one morning, I wanna say August 23. Not sure about the date though. All I know is this was the day I realized that my world was divided into two camps. Black and White. And if you weren't white then you were black. No questions asked. I didn't understand it, but I quickly learned and obeyed this rule.
Its 5:48 and this post isn't turning out how I wanted it to. It was suppose to be all the things I want to say, but never do because I don't want to offend anyone. So I guess I'll just list what I wanted to address but failed to.
But I don't know how. I've written and erased and started over on this post more than three times, and the only thing that has remained constant is that first line. So maybe I should focus less on trying to be coherent?(I don't think thats the right word) and focus more on what I wanted to say in this post.
It's 5:12 and I'm sleepy.
It's 5:32 and my ear is bleeding. I've been writing and deleting everything I say because I know there will be some oblique reference that someone I care about will read. They'll read it and they won't make a comment about it on here, but they'll ask me about it later. I'll probably lie to them and say it was no big deal. It wasn't about you. Or something along those lines, because I don't want them to know how important they are to me.
I think some people can handle that knowledge. Others can't.
I've been listening to Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" for the last hour. The song came out in 2001, I think. I was 11. It was also the year that everything changed. 2001 will always be the year I relate to "the year everything changed" because it did. I was 11. Aaliyah died that year. September 11 happened. I met K. I began masturbating. I almost lost my virginity. Everything really did change that year, but I could never understand this song. I didn't even like Maxwell. I was 11, what the fuck did I look like listening to Maxwell for. He was for the grown and sexy and I was 11. This was also the year I fell in love with Pink.
Like I said, everything changed that year. "Family Portrait," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "My Vietnam," all songs that I could relate too, and I loved every second I spent listening to it. I also realized that segregation was not over and racism still existed. I guess if there was one thing I could change about 2001 it would be that. There was a incident in the gym one morning, I wanna say August 23. Not sure about the date though. All I know is this was the day I realized that my world was divided into two camps. Black and White. And if you weren't white then you were black. No questions asked. I didn't understand it, but I quickly learned and obeyed this rule.
Its 5:48 and this post isn't turning out how I wanted it to. It was suppose to be all the things I want to say, but never do because I don't want to offend anyone. So I guess I'll just list what I wanted to address but failed to.
- the fact that i push people away on purpose
- i'm not worthy of the people i push away which is why i do it
- the fact that more than one person has said to me "i don't know why i put up with you"
- i don't know why you put up with me either which is why i push you away
- the fact that earlier this week and earlier today i thought about cutting myself
- i would never do it, because it would hurt, but i know how and where i would
- how: my trusty x-acto knife
- where: legs maybe, hands definately, arms maybe, wrists never cause thats jus crazy
- if someone asks me about this, i will vehemently deny it and call you crazy
- the fact that im sinical when people say they care for me
- the fact that i actually care for these same people but cant fathom why they care for me
- have to pray for x
- robby was m.i.a. today
- no one said nonsense or told me i need jesus today
- ks actually reads this?
- i think i spelled sinical wrong
- other random things that i cant remember because its 6:03 and now i'm hungry
So lets end on a high note. My moms said yes to the fish idea. So as soon as I get in Savannah we're going fish buying, but now I kinda want a pet turtle instead. But what I really want is a pet panda, supposedly they sale them in Chinatown in downtown LA. But you have to talk to the right person, and yoou have to be Asian. But if you find these secret minitaure pet pandas they also have pet giraffes and lions, but no hungry, hungry hippos. And being that I still view the world through my childhood eyes I actually believe this. And if I fins out that this is all a lie, Ill be pretty sad, because I already named by pet panda.
Its 6:10 and I'm finally gonna go to sleep. I've been up 23 hours, but all I want is a cookie. Sugar preferably. But all I have are Girl Scouts.
currently listening to:This Woman's Worth-Kate Bush
Its 6:10 and I'm finally gonna go to sleep. I've been up 23 hours, but all I want is a cookie. Sugar preferably. But all I have are Girl Scouts.
currently listening to:This Woman's Worth-Kate Bush
5 comments:
I like your blog.I'm waiting for your new posts.
cynical - and I am the most cynical SOB on the planet if you'd like to have a contest I'm up for it
cheers.....
Damn dude, ya need to chill!
The fact that you've considered cutting yourself, regardless if you dont "mean it" is something you need to address. Acknowledging and planning where and how you're gonna cut yourself is a step towards actually doing it... Dont go down that road my man. You need an outlet, a plug that you can focus your stress. Let your art be that focus. Instead of actually cutting yourself, let the feelings you have reflect in your art.
Anywayz, you do in fact need jesus... And stop spewing this nonsense!
Hey mate thought i would drop by and say hello, i think maybe the fact that you have been up for 24 hours wouldn't help the way you feel. Self mutilation is the way to go when you are feeling down it's exactly like trying to solve your problems with violence and that's a path that you dont wanna go down. If i can give you one piece of advice it would be "You can't expect anyone else to love you until you love yourself"
I'm sorry you've been feeling down lately. :( *Hugs* Learn not to doubt others.
Btw, go for that pet turtle!! :D
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