30 June 2009

housing

i need a place to stay in LA when i move in August. Any suggestions?

currently listening to Wake by the Antlers

true believers

religion is a tough thing for me. i was raised to believe in God. i was also raised to be Christian. but somewhere around the age of eleven there was a disconnect. i started noticing my surroundings and there were littlethings that didn't feel right. things that didn't seem to be "christian" so i stopped going to church.

i'm at the stage where i'm starting to ask questions. and seek out the answers.

i had a two hour discussion with a european guy today about religion and god. i just wish i could sit down with a preacher or someone to just ask some questions, because some things just don't sit right with me. there are aspects of the Christian faith that make me...uncomfortable.

"are you a believer" he asked.

"in what?"

"in god"

" i don't know really," i relpied. "i'm at this point where i'm starting to ask questions."

"this universe is not running by itself, so it has to be god."

"okay...maybe buddha's running it."

he then proceded to laugh out loud before he gave a smug reply of "i think its a little bigger than buddha," and continued his laughing.

"i'm being serious, there are so many religions in the world does that mean that your religion is the only real one. if so does that mean that the rest of the world is doomed to hell?"

" i think so" he said, and i sat in silence for a few seconds.

and this is why i have a problem with religion. the fact that there are billions of people in the world that don't believe in god. they believe in their own religion and their own god, whomever or whatever it may be. that these people could be the most loving and giving people in the universe, with their only fault being their religion. and because they believe in something or someone else, they're doomed to spend an eternity in pain.

this just doesn't sit well with me. it makes me uncomfortable.

currently listening to Disarm by the Smashing Pumpkins

26 June 2009

childhood 101

this is why i love hulu, because they put random things up on there. its five in the morning but i refuse to go to sleep without watching this. this is my whole childhood defined in one movie. damn i miss being seven years old again. i use to have this on VHS and then the little brother was born and ripped the film strip out of the VHS. at least now i have hulu so i can watch it over and over and over.

he's the galaxy...


...and i'm just a lowly star.
sorry, had a self-loathing moment. please forgive me.

currently listening to Genius Next Door by Regina Spektor

24 June 2009

i wish #2

  1. i wish i never started this blog.
  2. i wish i could be 100 percent honest with all of you.
  3. i wish i was in cali now.
  4. i wish you never crashed, i wish i never heard the truth, i wish i never thought you were dead, i wish i never shed that tear.
  5. i wish you weren't pregnant, because you don't need to be. i wish i was there for you right now. i wish i could whisk you away like they do in the fairytales so you would never be hurt. i wish i told you how much i loved you when i had a chance. i wish i fell for you and not her. i wish you would get off that stuff now more then ever, if not for you, then for the baby. i wish i was with you.
  6. i wish it was okay to be gay.
  7. i wish it was okay to be black.
  8. i wish i didn't like the saturdays.
  9. i wish i could be honest with you.
  10. i wish i could see britney live in concert.
  11. i wish you believed i was serious.
  12. i wish these chills would go away.
  13. i wish i could stay sober.
  14. i wish a lot of shit.
  15. i wish i knew what i wanted.
  16. i wish i was with you.
  17. i wish wishes came true.
currently listening to Chills by Fatty Koo

21 June 2009

thanks 4 everything

mother’s day is cool. i can respect that. she carried me for nine months and yada, yada, yada. i’m cool with spending my las twenty dollars on some art suplies for a homemade mother’s day card, scented candles, and some sunflowers but i can’t say the same for father’s day.

but maybe that’s just me and my situation. i’m nineteen and i can count the times i’ve seen my dad on two hands the last ten years. yeah he gave me a car, but he also surprised me with the fact that i have a ten year old sister. and i’m still waiting to be told about the little brother he’s still hiding from me.

so while everyone else is having a wonderous father’s day just remember that i’ll be suffering through an awkward 30 minute conversation with my father that my grandmother either a. guilt tripped me into or b. bribed me into. the conversation will last thirty awkward minutes because my father will want to catch up on the happeneings of my life. but all i really wanna say is Happy Father’s Day and thank you for not pulling out.

currently listening to High Price by Ciara featuring Ludacris

20 June 2009

all she has to do is ask

my mom just told me to pack my shit and go to americus to stay with my father. i replied, i've been with you my whole life, why would i leave now. she said go. i said fuck that, i aint goin nowhere. and im not. i don' respond to yelling, so if she wants me to leave all she has to do is ask. and i will. i'll pack my shit. head to athens. pick up my television and my fridge and be on my merry way. and she'll never have to see me again. its that simple.

all she has to do is ask. and now my father's day post is fucked up, which is what you'll see tomorrow.

currently listening to sometime by britney spears

i wish

so i'm probably gonna do this every week. i might even just make this into an i wish blog since all i seem to do is wish for shit that will never happen. so here's i wish #1, you can thank x for this.

J says:
so
talk to me x
tell me something
xzero! says:
i am worrie
*worried
i wish i was with my friends
i wish i had my own room
i wish i had cash
a job
i wish i had a boyfriend
J says:
i wish i had a bed to sleep in
i wish i had two contacts to use instead of one
i wish i didnt know what love was
i wish my ear wasn't bleeding
xzero! says:
i wish i had good sex
tonight
i wish i knew HE was okay
instead of a certain one saying that if wasnt, he would enjoy it
J says:
i wish the good days outnumbered the bad days and the interesting days
i wish the one i loved loved me back
i wish
xzero! says:
i wish i had a fuckin uncle nephew sitaufuckination
I WISH J WOULD REALIZE THAT I LOVE HIM
I WISH DAFT PUNK HAD MORE THAN ONLY GOOD THREE SONG
J says:
i wish i believed that
i wish i could believe the truth
xzero! says:
i wish i could find love
J says:
i wish love would find u
xzero! says:
;_;
i got homies in the end
still so lonely
J says:
i wish kanye would have never wrote heartless
i wish it didnt remind me of her
xzero! says:
i wish it didnt remind me of deadeyes
J says:
i wish i wasnt a dumb, jealous fuck
xzero! says:
i wish ZIPLOCK would love me
J says:
i wish i wasn't damaged goods
xzero! says:
i wish i wasnt a virgin
i wish i was straight
J says:
i wish i was a virgin
i wish i didnt have a daddy complex
i wish i didnt have a mommy complex
i wish i could sleep at night
i wish i could fuckin sleep
i wish he never touched me
i wish i never touched him back
xzero! says:
i think i am going to make an I wish blog
and i wish you would do one too
J says:
i will
xzero! says:
so we can be the same
i wish you would call it
i wish
like i will
J says:
i wish u didnt make me laugh
xzero! says:
i wish you wouldn't laugh when I dont try to be funny
J says:
i wish i didnt like u
xzero! says:
i wish -- WHOA CALM DOWN THERE
J says:
i wish wishing was a sin
xzero! says:
*making the blog
J says:
FUCK x FUCK
xzero! says:
FUCK J FUCK
currently listening to Cancer by My Chemical Romance

19 June 2009

cali

i went fish shopping today and narrowed it down to two fishes. a big black one that looks like one of the fishes from Finding Nemo, and a really big goldfish. i don't know if i'm gonna get either but i'd be happy with one of them. i'm gonna wait a week before i buy the fish and look for something more exotic.
currently listening to Weak by SWV

18 June 2009

how come i cant, miss a woman like i cant miss courtdates

i have a problem. two problems to be exact. maybe three, but really just two.

  1. sex
  2. guys
  3. im stoopid
one.

i like sex. maybe more than i should. a lot more than i should. but i like it and would go as far as saying i love sex. i didn't eat today but i had sex. and there's the problem. how can i give up a great meal for some okay sex? or even some great sex?1 it just doesn't make since, but in the mind of J it does. i have a problem with sex.

two.

i like guys. but never the ones i should. i always like the ones i shouldn't like. i also have an affinity for drug dealers. don't ask me why. most of the guys i've been with were drug dealers. i don't do drugs just so you know. the guy i've been chillin' with for the last two days is a drug dealer. he's also "straight" and has a babymoms and a daughter that he lives with. but for the last two days he's been wih me. and thats the problem.

three.

i'm stoopid. i even spell he word wrong on purpose because i'm stoopid. i don't know why people swear i'm smart. they also think i'm good with computers but i don't know shit about computers. but i am stoopid and i realized how stoopid i am the last two days. i always find myself in these situations. all these situations can be avoided, but i always dive head first into these situations.

so while i was sitting in my car tonight in the midst of one of these situations i started thinking. but then i stopped. i didn't wanna think i wanted to talk to someone and get their take on the situation. i called shots, got a voicemail. called k, no answer. and then i said fuck it and started talking to myself. basically yelling at myself for being a stoopid, dumb fuck2. and during the conversation i came to the conclusion that i have three problems.
  1. sex
  2. guys
  3. stupidity
and the only solution is to stop. no more sex3. no more guys4. no more being stoopid5.

currently listening to Every Girl by Young Money

1. i mean my shit is on some EPIC shit. jus ask ya dads.

2. i had this same conversation the night before with myself, x, and S. somehow x convinced me i wasn't stoopid. too bad he was wrong.
3. i've said this before. and i'll probably say it again. i can go a week, maybe 2 but i have a plan. everytime i get the urge to have sex i'll just go workout or jerk. simple enough.
4. i'm making one maybe two exceptions. i'm currently in a relationship, kinda. but he's in mexico. if he comes back then i will sex him up and see him on a daily basis. i also gave up vagina a few weeks back. so i think giving up guys shouldn't be too hard.
5. i know these situations are stoopid. the voices in my head tell me they are, but i do them anyway. so i just have to start trusting my instincts.

16 June 2009

imma fuck the world, but this is foreplay

i'm sorry i assume all guys enjoy gay sex. i'm sorry. thats just how my mind works. i'm sorry i mistook your glances at me as foreplay. what the fuck was i thinking when i caught you looking at me looking a you? i'm sorry that i was bored and thought you wanted to play. it happens to the best of us sometimes, and today jus wasn't my day. but i'm really sorry at he fact that you were secure enough in your sexualliy that my advances at you were welcomed with a smile and an introducion to the woman sitting beside you. i just hope your girl can work out all those insecurities she has within herself and her relationship, because the way she stormed out reminded me of my 5 year old cousin.

but i'm still sorry.

currently lisening to 25 Reasons by Nivea

14 June 2009

im black, so you know i got skills



i don't know if i've ever talked about this, but i use to rap. i have a pretty sick flow if i say so myself. i even have a rap name. i actually have two different rap names because i was in two different rap groups. neither one got off the ground. neither one was too serious. mostly for fun. one was jazzy j (don't ask why, its not important but i think it has something to do with the fresh prince). the other was upperkase. or upperKase with the k backwards. i think my former best friend came up with this name. he was also the guy that taught me the first 8 notes of hey there delilah.

but yeah, thought i'd mention it since i just wrote a sick 16 bars over some random song i just found. everyone can thank shots for this, because he had to be CHEESY and quote some lame ass rap song in the previous post which in turn got stuck in my head and prevented me from sleeping which in turn made me surf the web until i found something that could get the other song out of my head which i eventually found and then in turn got so inspired by it, because i'm not your boyfriend, and felt i could relate to the topic and spit some knowledge over it. if we're all lucky i'll try and record it in my father's studio while i'm visiting him over the next two days.

wish me luck. haven't spent this much time with the father since i was...six, maybe seven, but probably eleven.

currently listening to I'm Not Your Boyfriend, Baby by 3OH!3

drowning

i'm afraid of water. i'm an aquarius and i'm afraid of water. big ponds. small oceans. even lakes. i'm also afraid of heights. but the thing i'm most afraid of is the future. mostly because i'm afraid of death. i just can't handle it. i've never been to a funeral in my life. and i've only been to a cemetary three times. the last time i went i was nine. i'm nineteen now.

i believe a god. i don't believe in religion. i don't believe in hell. but i wanna believe in heaven. but the whole idea of living forever in this otherworld sounds like hell to me. i just feel like i would get bored. and in this heaven will i get to meet everyone that has ever died. will i be drinking mamossas with MLK? slow grinding with Aaliyah? or just relaxing with my grandmoms? the whole concept really confuses me, but i wanna believe. i need to believe. i have to believe. but i don't think i can. i need a religion. i need something to believe in, but i feel the little religion i had is slipping out the window and today was the first day i said i don't belive in God out loud.

i said it twice.

i feel like i'm drowning...

currently listening to Let Me by Pleasure P

13 June 2009

twenty

warning: this post contains a bunch of nonsense, bullshit, and is basically filler. but its 3 in the morning so what do you really expect from me. something EPIC? sorry to disappoint, but i don't start to function until after 2 pm.

i don't wanna be twenty. i don't wanna be twenty. i don't want to be twenty. twenty is just another meaningless year. why can't i just skip to twenty-one and call year twenty a wash. i still have seven months left in year nineteen, but i'd rather just skip twenty and make it to twenty-one. things should be better then. things will be better then.

also my body is soar. don't ask why because i can't tell you why. it would ruin the boy next door, good boy, respectable facade i've been portraying since sunday. i read books now. i also read comics more so than books, but books nonetheless. i learned a new way to use epic, its called epochal and i think its an adjective. i learned it while reading.

i'm still jobless. it took me an hour to realize my lip was bleeding, but its good now. i got a haircut today and had an epiphany i really wanna date a barber. so my list is this:

  1. barbers
  2. mexicans
  3. chicks with purple hair
  4. a couple of bloggers
  5. everyone else
i have to stop saying UGH in msn conversations, cause two people i talk to on a daily basis don't like the word. oh i forgot to add military men named robby to the list, he's in the top three though. which reminds me my dad was in the marines, my uncle is in the army, and my brother is in the air force. oh and my friends moms was in the navy, but thats a bit of a stretch. i prefer being boyfriend number 2.

that was a joke. and i think thats all i have on my mind at the moment. oh. i miss robby. i also miss mark or scared triumph! or whatever his name is now. i get confused at times. i'm easily confused. and i forget things. but i haven't lost my car all summer so i think i deserve some kind of prize. and in a perfect world the orlando magics would pull the upset of the century out there ass and win the nba finals winning the next three games. is it possible? in a perfect world, yes. in my head, absolutely. in reality, not likely.

and one more thing i was never a big fan of football. growing up in the south its kinda shoved down your throat. growing up in a small town, its even worse. if you've ever seen friday night lights(the tv show or the movie) then that's basically my home town. but i was always partial to brett farve. he was always my hero. but i fuckin hate his ass now. why you ask. well its quite simple. he keeps pulling these michael jordans and unretiring, but i swear if he unretires again and joins the vikings i promise to all of you i will stab him in his trachea and cut off both of his arms.

that is all.

currently listening to Under by Pleasure P

09 June 2009

zack attack



i miss the 90s. oh yeah, screech will never do the reunion, but im okay with that.

currently listening to Friends Forever by the Zack Attack

another complication pt. 2

so i graduate from high school. i'm finally over K. she's still in the middle of all the drama that became her life after people found out she had an affinity for chicks. she moves away for the summer and i regroup with a set of friends i hadn't talked to since sophomore year. i also started playing tennis again. so did all the other black kids in cow city, ga. coincidence? i think not.

i hadn't seen or talked to PH after he graduated and went off to college, but one day he ended up at the tennis courts while i was there. the first few times we just gave each other a few side eyes. then we exchanged words. and then we finally played a match of tennis. i don't know if anyone else could feel the animosity between us, but the tennis match was more than just a match. i wasn't the best, but i played my ass off and got a few aces. PH, well he just sucked but it was a good match. i won. he lost. and we left it at that. we shook hands. and went our separate ways.

and that was the end of me and PH until earlier this year. somehow we started trading facebook messages and started back talking. he even asks about me whenever he and K talk every blue moon. but what really got me thinking is because last night i found myself talking to him and well, i kinda think he was hitting on me. BUT I COULD BE WRONG. it could all be in my head, but i don't think it was.

  1. we talked for about a hour and a half, and he didn't want me to leave. the only people i've ever had that long of a conversation with is K and shots. i don't generally like talking to people but i didn't mind talking to him.
  2. he seemed upset when i told him i was in florida and he didn't get to see me
  3. he told me next time i'm in cow city, ga and he's there i should stop by his place
  4. he kept making bj references and jokes
these are just some of the things that make me believe he was flirting with me, and while i thought i was just being myself with him i think i was flirting with him too. and i was flirting hard. and i guess the fact that i know he's good and bed and i already know he's well endowed doesn't hurt either. either way if i ever had the chance to really experience PH i think i would have to pass. k would woop my ass if she found out and i don't need any other complications before i head to cali.

currently listening to Dearjohn by Musiq Souldchild

08 June 2009

another complication

why won't they just let me be great? after everything from the previous post about the uncle and the nephew i thought things would slow down. but now there's a new complication, that could all just be in my head. but i don't think it is. but there's this guy...

lets call him T. no, lets be a little more creative. lets call him PHONE HOME or PH. i went to high school with PH. i met him my freshman year in honors physical science. i walked in the classroom on the first day and there he was. sitting alone in a desk across the room. he was an unusual face. had never seen him before in my life, but i sat by him anyway. K walked in next and she joined us.

PH was a grade above me and K and had just moved here from Florida. he was a cool guy. he was smart. he was funny. and i always called him a poor man's version of me. for the simple fact that he was black, smart, and funny. and in my hometown not many guys fit the bill for that. but we all got along perfectly. i think he picked up on the fact that i was still catching feelings for K. and the fact that we constantly flirted and felt on each other didn't discourage that, but i could also tell that he liked K--there are just things i know. and this was one of them--but even with this knowledge me and K still felt he could be gay. he was skinny and lanky. and he just had these moments where he was a little suspect. so we always assumed that maybe he was gay. which is funny now that K is out and i'm here on southern inebriation and intoxicated resonace(shameless plug) typing about my life.

to this day i still don't know how it happened or when it happened, but PH and K ended up hooking up and becoming official. it kinda shocked me, because one day she was dating this guy and then the next she's fucking PH. the details of their relationship is still fuzzy to this day, but one thing is certain. PH is both the beginning and the end of me and K. it began the hot and heavy phase of me and K's relationship, but it was also the end of that emotional connection we had had since sixth grade. nobody came out of this relationship unscarred. i lost a best friend. K lost a soul mate. and PH lost something, i don't know we kinda stopped talking during this. besides the snide "thats why i'm fuckin yo girl" comment we would trade back and forth we didn't speak to each other unless K made us.

the one thing i know for certain is PH is the only guy K has ever loved. she loves me, but not the way i loved her or she loves him. whatever they had was special. i've seen K in relationships before and she never gave her all. she was in most of them for one reason, and it wasn't love. but with PH it was different. she loved him, and when they broke up i don't think she ever healed. we were talking a few days ago about how much everything is changing and how shit was so much simpler when we were younger and she admitted to me that she still loves PH.

problem is PH has a girlfriend now. and i think he just hit on me.

currently listening to You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

07 June 2009

circle k

i'm a weird kid. it use to bother me when people would call me weird, but now i'm okay with that, because nobody is normal. and normal is just some idea people spread around to make people conform. there's nothing wrong with conforming, but i don't wanna conform to being normal especially since i'm black. because being a normal black kid would mean i would be out selling drugs. maybe have a gun on me. and have a few kids that i don't see ever see. so yeah, i'm weird. but im okay with that.

one of the side affects of my weirdness is i get overly excited about simple things. and lately that means jumping up with glee and receiving a few side eyes from my moms and brother when i find a circle k. so far i've found three, but i still haven't been in one yet. i almost went in one today, but didn't. i kinda wanna wait til i get to cali and go in one, plus x owes me some pitas.


currently listening to Testimonial(Intro) by Diddy

06 June 2009

real men have big feet

my feet are big. like freakishly long for some odd reason. i wore a 12 when i was eleven. so the whole "act your age not your shoe size" stopped applying to me when i turned 9, because i wore a size 10 in shoes. nowadays im relegated to a size 16. and for some reason shoe companies just don't make sizes about 14, and thats if you're lucky. so i'm basically fucked for the rest of my life.

i've been wearing the same pair of k.swiss' for the last two years. one in white. and one in black. im not complaining or anything. they get the job done, but some days i just wanna throw on a pair of kicks and walk down the road knowing that my feet are fresh to death. is that too much to ask for?

i'm not usually a fan of high top shoes but these supras are calling my name. im seriously thinking about cutting off my toes and praying to god that i can fit in them, because they come in a size 15. i mean there's hope that they run big and my feet can fit in them right?
i even like the purple ones, which happens to be the color of my alma mater. but they only come in a 13, so there's no hope here.


im not big on colors when it comes to shoes, but i wouldn't mind havin one of every color in these blazers. im really feeling the bright blue ones.


and the one thing i've always sworn i would never ever in my life do is where some metallic shoes, BUT i can't help but salivate a little at the mouth while looking at these. too bad i've been cursed with freakishly large shoes.

currently listening to I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas

this post was brought to you by the scared triumph! shoe fund

05 June 2009

email

i need some healthy suggestions on adult oriented email addresses. whenever i apply for a job position i use my UGA email account for one of two reasons.

  1. its basically my name
  2. its a University of Georgia email and i assume that could possibly help me get a job, because people would assume i'm intelligent and hard working
but the email i use for everything else is the product of a twelve year old imagination. and the fact that i was gonna be a world famous musician named lyfe. then out of nowhere lyfe jennings pops up and starts singing songs about being locked up. or maybe that was akon. either way i was lyfe, before lyfe jennings was lyfe.

but at the moment my email address is lyfe255754@gmail.com and i don't see anyone taking me serious with that. i won't even give my friends this email because i'm embarassed by it. so for all the adults out there i need a suggestion for an email, because as of july 1, i won't be able to use my UGA email anymore.

currently listening to Death of the Auto Tune by Jay-Z

i like sex

is that a bad thing? i hope not, but there are some things i need to control. like when i meet a guy that i think i could like. my first impulse cannot be to drop to my knees and open my mouth wide. i don't think my future hubby would appreciate that. but you have to admit, that would be a great story to tell the grandkids.


¿abuelo x, cómo usted y abuelo j se encontraron?

little carlito, i've told you about speaking that foreign talk. grandpa only knows ENGLISH. but the way me and granpa met is kinda compliated. you see, i was walking through circle K looking for some pitas and i tripped over something. i looked down and it was your grandpa, on his knees, in the middle of the aisle, with his mouth wide open. and i knew then that he was the one for me.

i mean that would be a great "how i met your father" story. but like i said, i like sex i just wish i could get it under control more. because i met this guy that i may like. lets call him MOTEL. i think the reason i like him is because we didn't have sex the first time we met. we just made out a lot, and i may have given him a blowjob. all i know is we didn't have sex, and i developed a crush on him that i thought he shared. but either way if he calls me back then thats good, if not. meh.

well motel has an uncle. and he's been staying with this uncle for the summer sorta as a house sitter. here's where the problem comes in. i've had sex with motel's uncle twice now. i met motel's uncle, before i met motel. i don't know whether motel and his uncle know they're both gay or if they both know that i know both of them. i just hope i never get caught in the same place with both of them.

so here's my dilemma.
  • i like motel for all the right reasons, but he doesn't call me
  • i like motel's uncle for all the wrong reasons, but he calls
  • i like sex
if motel calls me, then i'll leave his uncle alone.

currently listening to the E.N.D. by the Black Eye Peas

04 June 2009

writing

i've been writing a lot lately. like every second i'm not out looking for a job or sucking on something. when i was a younger i would write all day. i had notebooks full of the crazy tales i would spin in my head. every week i would write something new, and when i finally got a hold of a computer my fascination with writing grew even more. there was just something about typing on a computer that made me want to write. i blame the colors, because every story i wrote had its on specific color. this is also during the time when blue became my favorite color (i always wanted to be the blue ranger).

the last couple of days things have just been clicking in my head. i've always wanted to write a book, then a comic, and then a manga, but i actually have an idea that i've been working on for a few weeks. i've nailed down a few characters, but i'm still deciding on whether i just want to use the five i have now, or continue with the seven i wanted to do. basically the story is told from each character's perspective, similar to "As I Lay Dying," but stylistically closer to "the House On Mango Street."

i started a blog for it if anyone is interested in reading the first chapter its here.

currently listening to So Far Gone by Drake

03 June 2009

yellow t-shirt

the yellow t-shirt is an actual yellow t-shirt. the front says "a time for change, 94.304" while the back says "celebrating failure while reaching for excellence." i made the shirt with my three closest friends: K, D, and Lush. K is my best friend and my ex, D is my racist friend who knows how to cook, and Lush is my ex enemy that drinks too much. somehow after many years of not liking one another other, senior year somehow brought us together.

school has always been easy for me. i never had to try and never had to study. things just kinda worked out for the best. high school came around and things continued that way. i did well enough to be considered "smart" and they put me on the honors/AP track. i remained in the top ten of my class and just sailed through.

the first two years of high school were weird for me. this was during my emo/rebellious phase and i just didn't have any motivation. in my mind, life was predetermined and as long as i made more good decisions than bad decisions things would work out for the best. i didn't try to get anything i wanted, i just let it come to me and if it didn't then meh. life goes on. this was also during the time when i lost my virginity to A, while still being madly in love with K, so neither of these things helped my outlook on life. but spring semester of sophomore year things started looking up.

i got my first job and i took my first chemistry class. chemistry was like every other class i had taken up to that point, but there was one difference. i loved the teacher. i've had teachers in the past that i grew attached to, but there was just something about this one. maybe it was the fact that she smelled of coffee or the fact that she had a pair of glasses to color coordinate with everything she wore. or maybe it was the fact that i was her favorite--something she wasn't shy about sharing.

but for whatever reason she changed my outlook on a lot of things. she always had an opinion on EVERYTHING, but i always listened to what she had to say. i even listened to her when she gave me my "you're a black man and the world is your oyster speech1." and when we made it to stoichiometry things just started clicking. the only way i can describe it is that i had a moment of clarity, like a light bulb finally came on in my head and i finally said to myself "DAMN, I CAN REALLY DO THIS" and from that moment i knew what i wanted. i wanted to be the salutatorian2 of my graduating class and i knew what i had to do to make this happen.

by this point i was ranked 8th in my class and i would have to work my ass off to get anywhere near the number two spot, but i did it. by senior year i was ranked number 3 in my class and trailed the number 2 by a tenth of a point. i had the best first semester i ever had receiving three one hundreds and the highest grade in my AP Lit class, a 98, and the second semester was no different. i received four one hundreds, but somehow i still didn't become salutatorian.

not only did i not get my sal spot, but half of the people in all my honors/ap class weren't honor graduates, K, D, and Lush included. so after doing a little investigating3 i found out that our gpas weren't weighted as they were suppose to be, and as a result half of my classmates weren't honor graduates and i lost my sal spot to some doe-eyed girl4. i was crushed and reverted back to my freshman self. i gave up on trying, didn't want to be an honor graduate, didn't wanna walk at graduation, i just wanted school to be over with.

this was just a catalyst for the yellow t-shirts, but there were other factors as well.

  1. in my town we have two high schools. the one i went to and then this alternative one. its designed to help students catch up on credits so they can graduate on time. basically there's a teacher in a room full of computers and the student uses the computer to learn all the information. you can finish a course in two to three weeks, and there were a few students who took advantage of this situation and as a result, became honor graduates.
  2. the seniors at this alternative high schooltraveled across the US, while we weren't allowed to leave the state. they went to new york, to washington d.c., grad night at universal studios, and some montain trip.,
  3. we didn't get any senior lunches. the one time we did the group of us who organised it were chastised because we supposedly didn't go through the "proper" channels.
  4. a lot of our money we raised from bake sales, the last four years, for a senior trip went "missing" somewhere between or junior and senior year
  5. we never received our senior breakfast, but the seniors who failed the graduation test5 received one.
  6. i also wore a shirt that said Lush during a picture taken of the honor graduates for the newspaper. i did it because Lush missed becoming an honor graduate by less than a tenth of a point. a few people took offense at my friendly gesture to include Lush in the picture (someway or another) and because of it i was pulled aside by the counselor to have a deep discussion on where my head was.
  7. a few othe rthings happened, but aren't really important
so after all of that, Lush, K, and D decided to make these t-shirts. i was just dragged in at the end of it because i was cheated out of my sal spot. plus they kept with the yellow theme of my Lush shirt. so we all wore the yellow t-shirts to school one day and were all sent home that same day, everyone except D. she was on the work program so she left before they could send her home. K was sent home early in the day and around lunch time Lush and I were called to the front office for a meeting with the school officials.

basically in this meeting the school officials yelled at us, called us stupid and selfish, and pointed out how disappointed they were in us because they were deeply offended by the shirts. after their brief yelling match they allowed me and Lush to explain ourselves, but it was like speaking to the deaf. they didn't hear anything we said and we were done we were told to leave school and never wear the shirts again.

so in conclusion the yellow t-shirt is significant to me because its the first time i felt like i was a real man. i stood up for what i believed in and i lived with the consequences of those actions. i also developed a deep bond with D and Lush because of the yellow t-shirts. senior year brought us together, but after the whole yellow t-shirt debacle i felt like i could always count on Lush and D whenever i needed them.

1. i get this speech from all of my honors/ap teachers. basically they pull me aside one day and tell me that if i ever need anything there always there for me. they also make sure to remind me that i can do whatever i want. i usually just nod my head and ask myself why the fuck are they telling me this, because i've heard it a million times before. i also ponder to myself that maybe if they took the time to tell this to one of the other black students that maybe then they wouldn't be so surprised to see me walk in their classroom each time.

2. there was no way in hell i could ever be valedvictorian. the guy who was had been the smartest kid in our grade since second grade. this is also that for some stupid and illogical reason has hated me since the second grade. to say we dislliked each other would be an understatement. its a known fact that we don't get along and he was one of the main reasons that moivated me to do better. we've gotten in a few verbal altercations over the past ten years and in the fifth grade we almost got into a physical fight. he pushed me, i punched him. then we got in trouble before it could escalate.

3. i worked in the guidance office my senior year so i had access to files and computers where they kept the "important" information. but really i just pulled the counselor aside and asked "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED" but as you should know by now, her answer just didn't suffice.
currently listening to Gibberish by Ryan Leslie

4. i use to be friends with this girl. i think i even had a crush on her, but then she got engaged to the valedictorian--the guy i don't like--and as a result we stopped talking and she found religion on me, only pushing us farther away. i was also blatantly told in front of everyone i was not aloud at the wedding. ^_^ she also only took 6 honors/ap classes while i took 16.

5.in georgia you have to past the 5 parts of the graduation test(writin
g, math, language, science, social studies) to graduate from high school and to walk at graduation. but you get 5 chances to pass it.

01 June 2009

insignificant

i posted a response to a question over on intoxicated resonance, and after speaking with my friend about it and reading the comments i feel i was misunderstood.

when i said my life is pretty insignificant, i didn't mean that my life was worthless. my life is worth a lot to me and to a few others in my life. i didn't mean insignificant in a bad way, when i said it was my lame attempt at being funny. but my sense of humor is hard to get at times, this being one of them.

someone also pointed out to me that when i lump trivial things like losing my virginity, a yellow t-shirt, and learning how to drive with things such as graduating and going off to college it lessens the importance of the latter. but to me they're all important and pretty significant things in my life, and helped shape who i am today.

i keep telling myself i lost my virginity when i was fourteen, but to be honest it was probably before that. but it depends on what you consider sex. fourteen is too young to be having sex and definitely too young to be doing some of the things i participated in. so yes, losing my virginity was pretty significant.

teaching myself how to drive is something else i pride myself in. my dad was never around to teach me things that only a father can teach a son. how to tie a tie, change a tire, etc. and being that my moms is kinda bipolar and easily frustrated, she could never teach me how to drive. to this day i hate driving with her in the car, because she likes to yell a lot and i'm not a good driver when someone is yelling at me. i'm not a good person when someone is yelling at me. so that was also important.

and the yellow t-shirt is probably the most significant thing that has happened in my nineteen years of life. but i'll save that for another day.

maybe. probbaly....not likely. but definately maybe.

currently listening to Ocean's 7 mixtape