just wanna feel loved. i wanna feel like im needed. =x
-J

depressed

You'd think that since today is the last day of classes I'd be the happiest kid in the world, but I'm not. I feel like shit. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I only got four hours of sleep last night. But I fuckin function better the less sleep I got, so I don't think thats the problem.

But I don't know what is. I went from happy to sad in little under an hour, so what the fuck is wrong with me. Tomorrow is my portfolio review for UGA. If I pass then I can finally register for classes in the fall. Hopefully I won't be here in the fall, but just in case tomorrow is a break or make day. So maybe that's why I feel like shit.

Because the way my teacher made it seem is just because I don't have a graphite still life, then its the end of the world. I'm just really frustrated with everything right now and just wish it would all stop.

relieved

Finally I'm done. English portfolio is done. Otis portfolio is submitted, now I can relax and enjoy Love of Siam.

oh degrassi

Oh Jimmy my how you've grown up. And you can walk! And you're so well spoken. Can't wait til' that disc drops.

currently listening to: Houstonlantavegas-Drake

oh the memories

Had a couple of spare minutes and was gonna work on these two blogger headers I was suppose to do for two guys, but as I was starting on them I came across all of my old headers. And now a trip down memory lane.

This was my first header and part of my "OMG BECKY, IM A FRESHMAN AT COLLEGE" phase. Really simple font, a battered arch logo, and a black wood panel background. Simple and to the point. This is probably my favorite of all the headers I had.

From my "HMMM, IM SO DRUNK AND BATTERED I DONT REMEMBER MY NAME" phase. I'm not too crazy about this one, but I remembered when I made it. I don't remember what happened that day, but this was the beginning or my green fascination which caused me to but any and everything that looked similar to kelly green or celtic green. Trust me, kelly green and celtic green are two different colors, don't be fooled by the naysayers.

The next few were all inspired by this music blog I frequently visited. Which also sparked the name change from inebriated to just J. And thus began the "HI! I'M MUTHAFUCKIN J AND IM EPIC AS FUCK" phase. This was also during the time when I finally started believeing all the hype that was Rihanna. So it was around the time when "Take A Bow" finally hit, because before that I was just on the fence about Rihanna, but now I'm in love with the chick. But the header didn't last for one resason. I started thinking I said to myself "Self, do any straight people read this blog?" And I answered no, and so I asked myself again I said "Self, then why do you have Rihanna's beautiful lips on the header?" And I said I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the fact that her hands says love and I have that same exact tattoo on my finger. And so I decided to make another and use Corbin Blue's eyes, because this was also during the time when out of nowhere Corbin Blue got all buff and sexy.

And then! And then! And then it happened. Britney dropped "Circus" and started rehearsing for her new tour and I went into "OMG!OMG!OMGOD!IT'S BRITNEY BITCH" phase.

But after that subsided I went into "WHY AM I BLOGING AGAIN, MAYBE I SHOULD SAY SOMETHING MEANINGFUL AND STOP FOCUSING ON SEX" phase. I wanted to take it back to the basics. Back to why I started bloging so I made this header, with each pic expressing something about me. I never said what each pic represented, but I guess now is as good as anytime.

• condoms, representing the fact that im a sexfiend but i only do it out of love
• kissing, representing the fact that i do like girls and they look like they're in love
• sign, kinda self-explanatory. i dont drink
• pencils, they're actually color pencils and symbolise the fact that i'm a struggling artist
• music, music is one of my first passions and i would probably die without it
• more kissing, same as before but its two guys kissing cause i also like guys
• and i think hose are movies, cause i want to be a director or screenwriter

And last, but not least I went into my blue phase. I fell out of love with green and back with blue and these two came out of it. The first one is pretty simple and described my blog at the time. It was all about college, life and sex. While the second brought back in the "Hi!I'm Js Blog" and describe what was troubling my mind at the time, am i too easy, and I guess the answer was No. I'm not.

currently listening to:I Do Not Hook Up-Kelly Clarkson

be kind cali

all is well, he didnt die and im not in jail

I think my favorite person just got eaten by an asian and a bunch of his tranny friends. Which leaves me with one option. Hop on the first red eye, with my machete, and go kill bill on they asses. Guess I really will be the death of my mom, cause when I'm locked up for life for multiple counts of manslaughter she probably will die.

Sorry Moms, but I had to do it.

currently listening to:Get Your Money Up-Keri Hilson ft. Trina & Keyshia Cole

I see more than I can explain, and I think more than I can say

Having one of those moments again.

I just need everything in my life to just come a complete stop so I can actually get a sense of where I'm headed. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and I have so much to do. I really can't think clearly and there's so much goin on with me emotionally right now that things are just becoming a little too much.

I keep myself busy so I don't have to think about any of it, but its that down time that gets me everytime. Like right now, I swear the world is spinning, but that may be due to that fact that I'm dizzy right now. The shit that is goin through in my head right now is so simple, yet so stupid, and crazy that the one person I could tell it to I can't because a lot of it revolves around the person.

And if I did they wouldn't understand, because they don't see things the way I do so if I was to tell the person they would listen, but in the back of their mind I know they wouldn't understand. Because the person is not built like I am. The person revolves around logic and puts up walls and I'm the complete opposite.

I'm built on emotions and instincts and I let everyone in. I don't need a reason, I just do and I get attatched. So maybe thats my problem. They say people with big hears get hurt easily. So maybe I should start being more like that person. Which will never happen cause I like how I operate. My instincts have gotten me this far, and yeah I've taken a hard road to get here, but it made me that far.

But damn, I'm so tired of having all these things fall in place and coming to a point where I'm just so confused and so drained that I don't know which way is up.

currently listening to:Piano Lessons-Colin Munroe

so happy

I'm in the middle of english but today is probably the best day of this semester for the simple fact that I woke up this morning, through on a green polo, a black tee, and some pants and thought to myself. I'm sexy ass fuck. Any other day i would put on some shorts and a t-shirt and call it a day, but thanks to my laziness I haven't done laundry in probably two weeks so all my t-shirts and shorts are dirty. Hence the polo and pants. Yes its hot outside, but damn I look good. If only it was Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.

I never see anybody that I want to see me look this good on Tuesdays or Thursdays, oh well.

But the thing that made my day was my final essay grade in English. All semester I've been hoping to come out with a C, but now I'm looking at a B or a B-. My first essay I made a 72, the second a 80, the third a 85, but I finally made a A on the last one. It took me over two weeks, and two extensions on the essay to do it, but I finally made a 93 on a paper. And only three people in the entire class has made an A on any paper. So I feel so good right now. I'm on a natural high just to know that I'm capble of writing A level papers, and for the first time this semester I did it all by myself.

No peer reviews, no teacher edits, and no help from other bloggers. It was me doing my own paper and I'm happy I did, but I do want to say thanks to Aek and SinfulSoul. There was no way I could have made those two B's without you guys and I want to let you guys know I greatly appreciate your help. Thank you both.

currently listening to:nothing, because i'm in the middle of english class not doing my work

i think im killing my mom

Life has been going great, things have been settling down, and school is coming to a close. So I haven't been posting as much. I'll start a post, and never finish it, I even tried doing a 100 Things post and made it to number 1 and went blank, so yeah I guess that's a good thing.

I have a new friend though. Lets call her Posh, cause she's been been obsessed with the Spice Girls since before there was the Spice Girls. She has all the barbie dolls, all the platform shoes, and has been to all the concerts. She's obsessed with them, but its one of those weird quirks that makes her so damn lovable. Oh, and she's a runner. Not one of those "i think i will go for a run today" types of runners like me, but a real runner. She hikes trails, does marathons, and can even fly a plane. I think she's gonna take me flying one day and then for a picnic. But yeah. I think I love this girl.

We've been in color comp together since January, but I've only recently developed an attachment to her. There's just this thing about her that makes me smile and I'm always having fun when she's around. She's just one of those types of people. But I guess the reason I decided to blog about her is because I came out to her today. Didn't plan on it, wasn't anticipating it, it just sorta happened. We were talking about me going to Cali and why I waited so late to have this drive to actually try and make it a reality and I told her.

There were some things goin on, I was hoping to have this relationship, and things didn't pan out. So now I don't have a reason to stay.

She assumed I was talking about a girl, and I politely corrected her and said it was a guy . After that, we continued our conversation. This confirmed one thing to me. When I decide to come out to my high school friends I won't be sad if they don't accept it, because if these new people I'm letting into my life can accept the fact that I'm bi, then the old ones shouldn't care either. I also know how I want to come out to them. No more of the "i have something i need to tell you," that just makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Just slipping it into a conversation was a lot easier, and it just happened. Wasn't forced, and it felt good after saying it. But I guess the best thing about the day is the fact that Posh said if I wanted to stay with her for the Summer I could. I've only known her for four months, but she's already opening her home to me. Either I'm more EPIC than I thought or she's a great person.

I think its a little of both, cause I am pretty epic. Oh yeah, I THINK IM KILLING MY MOM.

Talked my mom this weekend. She finally got the memo that I'm trying to move to cali in the fall of 09 and not 2010. This didn't sit well with her, and as a result I think she's gonna die sooner than later. We talked three times this weekend and inbetween the yelling and sighs she hung up on me twice. The whole conversation was pretty hilarious and I wish I could put it on youtube because my mom is pretty funny when she's freaking out. The one thing I got out of it is she needs some anxiety pills to deal with the fact that her kids keep leaving her. But like I told her she still has her "favorite son".

Even if she doesn't want him anymore.

currently listening to: Sucka 4 Love-Danity Kane

death of inebriation birth of something new

Today is April 17. Six months ago I started this blog. Six months ago I was a different person. Six months ago none of you knew of me, but look at me now. I'm 19, I'm focused, and I'm a lot happier. So in honor of my six month anniversary I thought it would be interesting to dissect my first post and state how things have changed. So if you haven't read it, now would be a good time to check it out.

I'm not new to this. I've had several blogs in the past, and a couple of them were pretty successful. Yet after a month or two I always ended up leaving them. I get to a point where I never have anything to write, or have something to say but became afraid someone I know may find the blog and read it. But not anymore, at this point in my life I could care less what anyone thinks.

I wasn't new to blogging. I had already had at least six other blogs, but most of them were music related. The few personal ones I had always came to a point where I had to stop writing, because I was hiding this huge part of me. Blogging was suppose to be a place where I could be free and show who I was, but even there I was hiding. So unlike this one, they never lasted. The one thing that stands out to me from that is the fact that I said I could care less what anyone thought of me. That was a bold face lie, because to this day none of you know who I am. You know about me, but only a handful of you actually know my real name and there's a reason for that.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to see who really cares about me. I'm starting to realize where I want to be in five, ten, fifty years from now. I know who are my real friends, they're the ones that i keep in contact with even though we're hundreds of miles away. My best friend since the sandbox goes to the same university as me, and we never speak. We never just hang out or go catch a lunch or something.

Six months later and I know who cares about me and who doesn't. The same people I was referring to six months ago are the same people I'm talking about now. Of all the people I went to high school with I still only keep in contact with the same three, maybe four if you include H. I talk to K, Lush, and D on a weekly basis. If I need something I know I can call them. Unfortunately that friend from the sandbox I was referring to, IV, he and I have grown even farther apart. I haven't seen or heard from him at all this semester. Maybe he died? Not likely, but it makes me wonder. Maybe one day I'll call him up and make plans to meet somewhere and catch up.

Never let someone you know, become someone you knew.

I have an idea of where I want to be in five/ten years. I know I want to be doing something I love. I know I want to be living in either New York or Cali. I know I want to be in some type of committed relationship. I'll be 29, and I don't wanna be sleeping around with random guys or girls. Its just not something I want to be looking forward to.

I don't blame him, and I don't blame myself. I blame time. We grew apart in high school. I mean I'm just this atypical black kid and his family is basically worshiped by the town, what did we expect to happen. We talk whenever we see each other, its just not the friendship e had back in 97 when we would trade baseball cards while everyone else would go to recess.

But at least we're not at a point where we won't ever be in contact. So I guess that's enough information for a first post, guess I'll catch you up on my history at a later date. But welcome to my life, don't let all the inebriation distract you.

I still don't blame IV or myself for us growing apart and losing contact, cause if we see each other I'm sure it will be like old times. We just have this chemistry and just connect on a level, so maybe over the summer we may run into each other and figure out how exactly it is that we both go to the same college, yet never see each other.

The atypical black kid comment I wish I never made. Yeah I'm black. Yeah I'm not a thug, but that doesn't make me atypical. It just makes me J. I think back then I was still in that high school state of mind where I just stood out amongst a sea of white classmates. In the hallway I was just another statistic, but as soon as I stepped into my classroom I was an anomaly. I was that one that defied the odds, the one that was different from someone else, I was the one that defied the stereotype and I was happy to be that kid in high school. Yeah, it made my life a little harder and maybe stressful, but who cares. But now its kinda like yeah I'm black. Yeah I'm not a thug, but so are a lot of other people. The only differnce between me and them is the fact that I'm J.

oh, and i'm fuckin EPIC! oh yeah, i think i'm gonna keep the title. i'm falling in love with it again.

currently listening to:Right Now-Danity Kane

clean shaven

I came this close _ to shaving my fucking beard off. I had plugged in the clippers, turned them on, and had even started cutting some hair. As I watched clippings of hair start to fall into the sink it hit me. It took almost a year to get my beard to connect to my mustache and there is NO WAY I'm goin back to the days when people would ask me "why is that side not connected" sorry guys just can't do it. Nope. Never. I'm too black for that. Better luck next time. :P

currently listening to:I Don't Want You Back-Eamon

guess i'm not the antichrist, eh

Just received the happiest news in the world. I emailed the admissions office for Otis and in her reply she told me there was still plenty of time to apply for Fall admissions. I'm so fucking excited now I have a reason to kick my ass into high gear and get my shit together. Maybe all the drama with the art school is for a reason. Now, how the hell will I get a high school transcript sent to them this week if my high school is closed until Friday.

Hmmmmmm..................

currently listening to:I Do Not Hook Up-Kelly Clarkson

.....sigh

It seems there was a tornado in my home town today and I was the last to know about it. I'm guesing everyone in my family is okay, because I haven't received any phonecalls from the mom. I'm okay, its not like I can freak out about it, because if I did then who would calm K down? Nobody, thats who. So as I type this I'm talking with her making sure she knows that everything will be okay and the reason she can't get in contact with her grandmother is because the lines are down. It seems to be working so lets hope I'm right.

The three people I'm worried most about are Lush, D, and H. I spoke to Lush and she said everything was okay and is doing her homework by candlelight. The thing that upset her most was the fact that her college held her hostage, and she tried her best to escape, unfortunately her best wasn't enough. D on the other hand had a different experience. She was actually in town during the tornado and thought it was really neat. But doesn't like all the limbs on her yard or the four pecan trees that fell. Weird kid, but I love her. So I'm just waiting for H to call or text me back, but if I know her schedule correctly she has classes on Mondays and was probably at school, so I'm sure she's good too.

currently listening to:Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap

is upper lower class

conversation over facebook

J is upper lower class

friend comments: i'm just plain lower class

J replies: yeah, sucks for you. it took me 19 years, seven jobs, and two major changes to work my way up to upper lower class and i aint never goin back

friend replies: lol

Remember Rick, he's the guy I met a month ago, dated for a few weeks, fell in love for a few days, he broke my heart in a few minutes so I keyed his car, bleached his clothes, and set all his books on fire. Just kidding about the keying the car, bleaching the clothes, and burning the books. It wasn't that serious, we just didn't talk for a week, and somewhere during all of that I somehow ended up in a drunken, drug-induced threesome that I don't remember, but I've seen the video, with him and his friend named Julio. Remember his name because he plays an important part in the story.

So over the course of the week a lot of things have happened between me, Julio, and Rick. Rick and Julio are apart of a larger clandestine organization I lovingly refer to as the Mexican Mafia. Imagine a group of twelve Mexicans terrorizing your local mini mart or circle K. The Mexican Mafia consists of 6 guys and 6 girls, and Rick just happens to be apart of the group. To say the Mexican Mafia hates me may be the understatement of the year.

Somehow I'm to blame for all the internal friction they've been experiencing the last few weeks. Before I came into Rick's life the group was fine and never argued, but lately that hasn't been the case. The one incident in particular they blame me for is the fight between Rick and Julio that happened a few days after me and Rick broke up or a few days before, I'm not really sure. Lets just say during the fight Rick came out to the Mafia and brought Julio with him. The Mexican Mafia is okay with that, they just weren't too happy that the fight happened. They're family and families don't fight.

So one day this past week I finally got to meet the entire Mafia. Rick asked me to lunch, I said yes, and when I got there I was greeted to a scene of twelve Mexicans staring daggers into my soul. In my mind the meeting was a success. We exchanged our pleasantries, they denounced my name, told me to stay away from Rick, I gave my rebuttal, and left. I had all my limbs intact and called the day a success.

I'm guessing they didn't see it as a success because Rick and I have continued hanging out and as a result, whenever I come across Julio (which is frequently because he lives on the same floor as Rick) he takes the chance to tell me how much a slut/ho/bitch/trick I am. He's actually pretty cute when he does this so I don't mind too much, but I guess he finally got to me this afternoon in the parking lot.

I was walking to my car and here comes Julio. His car was parked beside mine and he began his usual banter with me. Ho, trick, slut. But this time something in me just went off. All I could picture was Tiffany from College Hill: South Beach screaming

I'm a ticking time bomb and I'm about to go off.

And I did. I punched Julio twice. Once in the nose and once in the eye. Got in my car and proceeded to drive to the Art School where I finally noticed this red fluid covering my knuckles. And then I began to feel bad. Moms would definitely not be proud of me if she knew about this. Dad, maybe, but not moms. She would freak and start yelling and tell me to go to my room and think about what I've done. Then she would realize that I don't have a room and send me to the garage, where I would then jam out to Danity Kane.

Sorry moms, but it felt good.

But yeah, I shouldn't have punched the kid, but there comes a time when you just have to let go and go with your gut instincts. And I did, but the moral of the story is even if you punch a guy in the face they still may not learn their lesson. Because even after that I saw Julio again tonight and his words to me were

J you aint nothin' but an upper lower class bitch.

Te kid was lucky that I had some food in my hand and moms also taught me never to waste food cause there are kids starving in Africa.

currently listening to:Danity Kane-Welcome to the Dollhouse & Danity Kane

wife me up

I was just over at DC Cised and notice he had a post up that I can relate to so I fugured I could just do a blog on that. Its been two days since my last post, and I like to steal things. So why not steal a great subject.

And I actually had this conversation with a fellow blogger tonight and came to the conclusion that when we get married I will be taking his last name. Not only does his last name sound better with my name, but I mean he did wife me up, so its to me expected, right?

In a perfect world my life would end up something like this. Some doctor, psychologist, lawyer will find me, fall in love, and wife me up. I'll stay at home cook, clean, do anything else that needs to be done while he supports me and my struggling artist lifestyle. Until the day comes when I'm "discovered" and I blow up. Then we can both relax and live happily ever after.

When it comes to being in a relationship with a guy I guess my "bottom" mentality comes out. I don't mind stepping back and letting him lead the way. Letting him pay for dinner. Letting him rough me up in bed. Or just all around letting him be the "man" in the relationship. I'm okay with that, cause like I said before I just wanna be wife'd up.

currently listening to:Girlfriend-Day 26

another reason why i'm not gay, just bi

I haven't done this in a while so maybe I'll bring it back. Everyone else has pretty pictures up, so why can't I?

currently listening to:Me & U-Cassie

headlights pointed at the dawn

i have to get out of georgia as soon as possible. i just don't wanna be hear anymore. so many things have happened here. so much shit has went down. and its hard to figure out if the good outweighs the bad, all i know is i'm ready to leave and i wish i could do it now and not have to wait. damn i wish i wasn't such a procrastinator, i wish when i was 18 i wasn't okay with being content and settling for less. i wish a lot, and most of them go unanswered. damn, i can't wait til january. college or not i'm leaving georgia.

p.s. i'm not sad or mad or upset at the moment. today was actually a good day, but something just hit me and this has been building up since before i even started this blog. since i can probably say freshman year of high school. i just wish i would have done somethings differently then, and not be in the position i am now. oh well, thats life. at least i know where i'm headed now. : D

i feel like death

You know how some people get angry when they're drunk well I do the same thing except I'm a mean sick. When I'm sick I'm really not a guy you wanna be around. I just don't wanna deal with anyone, especially if you're gonna be smiling and laughing and talking to me. Its just not necessary. You see I don't feel good, so why keep asking me whats wrong. Its like, come on, back the fuck up, you're in my personal bubble.

So yeah I'm sick. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I can feel my body shutting down, I'm lethargic¹, every five seconds I'm sneezing, and I hate UGA².

I guess the biggest issue with me being sick is I don't do what you're suppose to do. I'm the middle child of three, and when your two brothers are basically hypochondriacs its hard to really get attention when you're sick. My mom was always to busy trying to diagnose and cure my two brothers of all their millions of ailments. So by the time she noticed that I had stopped eating and was sleeping the hours away it was too late for a quick fix.

Which I guess I'm happy with. I love my immune system, and its incredible. I usually only get sick around my birthday and maybe a cold here or there. But with this crazy south georgia weather³, all the pollen filling my lungs, and not really sleeping I guess I made myself a little vulnerable. Hence the feeling of death upon me and the hysterical sneezing fits I get into. But other than that everything else seems to be going pretty well. I'm drinking plenty of water, and I finally took a pill for the sneezing and sinuses, and I may even go to the doctor⁴ tomorrow. Maybe.

-----

I don't know if you guys noticed, but I'm testing out a new format that I stole from x. Tell me if you like it, or if its too annoying. I don't think all the posts will be like this, but some will.

1.I woke up late again tomorrow and after driving my car to the art school, I ran into the building and crashed on the floor underneath my drawing horse. Boy was that floor comfy, now I just have to wash my jacket from all the charcoal I laid in. Also my usual two minute walk from the art school to the dining hall took about ten minutes today. I just kept sitting down and stopping. Plus it was kinda cold.

2.I hate UGA, but more specifically I hate the Lamar Dodd School of Art. It seems that I can't register for any of my studio art classes until after I pass my portfolio review May 1. Problem is, I plan on going to summer school. But I can't sign up for the two classes I wanna take until I know I've passed my portfolio. There's only one class for each. The draw II class holds 18 students while the 3D design class holds 14. So yeah, unless I'm really, really lucky it doesn't look like I'll be going to summer school. And that just fucks up all my plans. Plus it means I have to get a job in Savannah(this place smells like fish) and I'll be sleeping on the garage floor or in a uncomfortable pull out sofa bed. meh.

3.Its fuckin April and its really really cold. Yesterday it snowed for an hour, the day before that it was freezing, the day before that it was hot as fuck, the day before that it was raining, the day before that it was a tornado warning/watch, and the day before that it was raining. Who ever said global warming was a lie, is a fuckin LIE.

4.I kinda have a fear of doctors. I believe one of the reasons why they say I have high blood pressure is the fact that I instantly get nervous when I step into a hospital or a doctors office. I just cant fully relax.

2

Yeah I've decided to add a new part to my blog, basically quotes to live by. I know everyday I hear things that I have to take a moment just to digest it, to make sure I heard everything correctly. Then there are moments when I'm like damn. That makes a lot of sense so I figured why not document it. The one quote that inspired this actually came from another blogger's dad. Its a simple quote, yet it makes a lot of sense. So from today forawrd I plan to live my this quote. Wish me luck.

Be a decent human, do your work, and be patient. Eventually someone will notice and everything else will fall into place, maybe not all at once, but inevitably

Cash's Dad

letopho on being 19

I was chatting with this 27 year old and I fell to the floor when he said he wasn't out to some of his Christian friends and that he focused on school while he was college. WOW! A "new gay" in his late 20's! HOW RARE!

I'd say the magic number is 19.
When you're 19, you're young and beautiful and horny... but romantic. You get your first boyfriend and you cheat on him. You're EMO because you really did love him and you're a better boyfriend the second time around because it's "out of your system."

19 is when you make the transition from being BI to full on fabulous, fierce and/or if-you-like-it-then-you-should-have-put-a-ring-on-it. Being gay is fun and the community is supportive. You fuck everything and everyone and it's okay because all of your friends are cute and 19 and equally horny. You discover alcohol and it's tool. Sleeping over means messing around and and sex is so fucking easy. And you're proud that all of a sudden you get all this attention. You chat and meet up with new people as if you're meeting your best friend. It feels soooo good and all you want is more more more more. You collect gay friends like you're collecting pokemon and you can't get enough because it's so fun... and "who you are."

19. Is a dangerous age.
(or rather, when I was 19, I was dangerous)

So I've recently discovered letopho, but I alread know that when I grow up I wanna be just like him. He's what I aspire to be, not only in blogger land but in real life. Because his observation on being 19 is spot on. I can relate to everything he says in the above quote, except for maybe the collecting gay friends like Pokemon cards. I'm too far in the closet to start collecting them. So I guess this is the defining year of my young bi life, eh. Guess we'll see how it turns out.

so im the fuckin antichrist eh

Dear Blood Bank,

Just wanted to say fuck you and everyone who supports you. And give me back my pint of blood I gave last year in high school. I can't give blood just because I sleep with guys from time to time. What the fuck is up with that. Can straight people not catch an STD now. Cause thats a load of shit. B positive, B muthafuckin positive. And I'ma keep all of it in my body. No blood for you.

Fuck you guys you make me disgusted to even be human, and all I wanted was to give some muthafuckin blood tomorrow.

Sincerely,
a pissed blogger
J

quotes to live by

Don't you just hate when people fall in love. When they were single they were so hardcore.
-RA

deleted posts

So basically a few people commented about a couple of ghost blogs I posted yesterday. If I remember correctly I did six of them, but only three of them are still online. I was having a stressful day. And when I’m stressed I either have sex, I write, or I draw. Sex was out of the question, lately drawing has become somewhat of a stressful activity, so I decided to write. Hence the missing posts.

In one of them I insinuated that I regretted ever doing this blog, which is a lie, and I was gonna take a hiatus and decide whether I wanted to continue blogging anymore. Well I’m happy to report that the blog will be staying up. I’m too young to retire, and there’s a lot more of my life you guys still don’t know about yet. Hell I only know 19 years of the story, and I wanna see what happens too. But the one thing I did regret was leaving the blog, and actually letting people into my life whether that be from MSN conversations, telephone calls, or text messaging.



I talk to a few people online. All of them are great guys and I enjoy the brief time we’re actually able to talk. (KS where are you, its been 3 weeks I bought my ticket to Vietnam, don’t make me fly over there and find you) But there is a core three that I guess you could say I’m closest to, and of those three one guy stands out the most. I’ve told him a lot of things I haven’t yet went into here on the blog, some things I haven’t even told close friends. And therein lies the problem.

I treat him like he’s my best friend. He’s easy to talk to, he listens, and he tells me his point of view of things. But I don’t think he sees me the same way. To him (I believe) I’m just another guy. A guy he can actually talk about gay related issues or just life issues in general. I take our friendship more seriously while I don’t believe he does, I don’t even believe he sees this “relationship” as a friendship.

For the simple fact that we’ve argued before and he’s basically came to the conclusion that I’m too emotional at times, and can be aggravating, so maybe its just better if we never talk. And my only counter to that is I may seem too emotional because I care if we’re friends or not, while your brick wall of composure you keep putting up only makes me think you don’t care. Even if thirty minutes later you send a text saying that you do care, and just wanted me to know. And that to me just sounds like you’re saying that just incase I finally come to my senses and realize that I was being moody and over emotional and realize you were being rational and compose that I shouldn’t hold a grudge or be mad, because through it all you “care.”

But I’m finding it hard to believe that you do, and it sucks.

But back to real life, real issues, and the things he says I should be focused on. I eventually did end up having sex last night. And if you read the previous post you know how it turned out. It was my first time topping in a long, long time and the first time I took someone’s virginity, albeit only in the ass. I had already been his first guy, but last night it was his first time bottoming.

So after the sex, I started studying, took a quick power nap, and was in Art History by 12. Took the quiz and knew all the answers except for maybe two or three questions, so I’m excited to see the results. Mt English professor extended our first drafts deadline til’ tonight so I’ll be doing that today. And did I mentioned it was snowing for an hour. How crazy is that. I mean you gotta love this south Georgia weather.

So today was a good day. I mean today is a good day, and I hope everyone else is feeling that joy that I am right now.

best night evah

Yeah I might've had a pretty sucky day. Yeah I didn't write that essay. And yeah I didn't study as much as I wanted or needed to, but all of that drama, and nonsense, and stress led me to do one thing. Call up an old buddy, and see if I still knew what I was doing when it came to the bedroom. And boy do I.

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now, but I have so much energy I could run a few laps. yeah It's six in the morning. Yeah I have class in a few hours. And yeah I've been un since 9 o'clock the previous day, but I can't sleep. I've had sex before, but there was just something that clicked inside tonight. I mean three hours of sex is not healthy. I swear I'm gonna be feeling the pain after all this adrenaline wears off.

Damn I wish I would have recorded it, cause there were some things tha amazed me. Damn I love taking a good dick in the ass and the mouth, damn I love swallowing some cum, but damn. A virgin ass feels so fucking incredible. I wish I could have one every fucking night. I'm so happy right now. Lets hope and pray that I don't crash and burn before my quiz in a few hours. I've already determined I'm skipping language so I can sleep after 2.

Damn I love yo ass Rick, literally. I love yo ASS.

bitch

ugh! its too early for this shit!

another one for you

Saw this video and as soon as I saw Tyra's name I thought about you. So here it is. But on a different note Tyra almost had me. I was this close(__) to picking up my phone, calling my mom, and coming out to her. She almost had me, ALMOST. Better luck next time Tyra, moms aint raise no fool and she taught me to think shit through.
And just for those who are Drake fans, I feel the need to point you into the direction of the chopped & screwed version of his mixtape So Far Gone, thank God for wikipedia or else I would have never known about it.

i think clearer, when im......sober

Aclose friend of mine just came out to his brothers and it made me think maybe its time that I came out to my two brothers, but then it hit me. What would be the point. I'm pretty sure my older brother knows that i have a tendency to sleep with guys and my younger brother is 14, and that should be reason enough to not tell him. Add in the fact that every time I see my little brother he's constantly telling me that some new celebrity is gay so imagine his reaction if he found out his little big brother is gay, because I don't even think he knows what bisexual means.

The thing with my older brother is this. We were really close as children. I have all these pictures of me and him being dressed up as twins. We were around the same age, looked alike, and my mom thought it was cute to dress us alike. Somewhere we hit puberty. He found his friends and I found mine. Then high school happened. I started messing with guys on a regular basis and I'm assuming he found out. I've heard him tell one or two of our mutual friends that I'm gay. Lucky for me they never seemed to believe him and I don't know if he believed it himself, but I think he does.

Which is why I don't think we get along. Me and my brother started going through a rough patch in our high school years. The littlest things would just set us off and we would just start fighting and for the most part these fights would last for the whole day. We would stop for a minute, and the next time we saw each other one of us would say something slick and the other would react. Then the whole gay thing started popping up. When I began to suspect that he knew I stopped talking to him. I wouldn't say hi, I wouldn't say good morning I just stopped speaking to him. I didn't want to say anything that would set him off or make him mad and for lack of a better word expose me. I can say I feared my older brother so I just stopped speaking to him unless I had to.

I can probably count the number of conversations me and my older brother have had in the past four years of our lives on my two hands, and people find that weird. But for me its normal. I still love my brother and I'm sure he still loves me, but we don't have that personal connection. Maybe one day we'll build that connection, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. The last time I talked to him was eleven months ago at graduation and we even hugged for a second and took a pic.

if i put a gun to your head, what would you change about it

Damn, i did it again. I just keep coming up with all these titles for all these posts I'll either write and not post, or won't write. This is just the latest one. Ouch was also one, and i said its based on factual events. factual, was the beginning of the cycle. Anyone see a pattern?

If you said more pointless posts, with amazing titles you're probably right. But there will be a real post pretty soon, hell you've probably read the real post before getting to this one. But just in case I'm still slacking do me a favor. Head here and tell him that you love church, sex, and pancakes. But only homemade pancakes. I mean IHOP is good and everything, but how good can they be if they were willing to give away free pancakes. They kinda lost cool points in my book for that one. I mean you don't see Pepsi giving out free drinks, its because they know they're the best.

Or you could head here, and tell him its not too green its just green enough. And I know this for a fact because im an INTENDED art major and i'm taking a color and composition class, where we just learned all these color theories. So I know how to tell when something is balanced and not balanced, because I'm taking this class. So yeah, its green enough and its balanced and I promise to have a real post uploaded by 6 pm on April 4th. If not then you can blame him. Cause he gives good phone.

ouch

DAMN EYE! I TOOK THE FUCKIN CONTACTS OUT AND IM WEARING MY DAMN GLASSES WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME! I SAID I WAS SORRY SO DAMMIT, CAN YOU FUCKIN STOP BURNING AND TURN BACK TO YOUR NATURAL SHADE OF WHITE. THIS RED EYE LOOK JUST INST WORKING FOR ME.

i said its based on factual events. factual!

Oh man its two in the morning, guess i'll finish this post later.

new name

I've been doing this blogging thing for seven months, and I'm not tired of it yet. What I am tired of is the name, Southern Inebriation. I came up with this name three years ago. I was sixteen, in the tenth grade, and just discovered what inebriated meant, and for some reason I fell in love with the word. Now I'm realizing I was only in lust with the word, and now that I have my permanent layout, I think its time for a new name.

Southern Inebriation just doesn't do it from me anymore. I'm okay with the southern part, but inebriation is kinda meh. I don't even drink, lol but I do get drunk off my thoughts so if I think about it that way its kinda nice. But I've been talking to a few people and we came to the conclusion that maybe it is time for a new name. One of the guys, never liked the name and ignored me for about three months until I finally broke him down and now we're close so he's happy I plan on getting rid of the title. The other guy can see why I want to change it and agrees its time for a new name. But so far I have no idea what to call my blog, so if you have a suggestion leave it in the comments.

Here are a few of titles I've come up with so far.

• Philadelphia, just because none of my friends will agree to name their first child after a city
• Wife Me Up, or Wife You Up, cause lets be serious, who doesn't wanna be wife'd up
• I Think Clearer When I'm Sober, title speaks for itself
• Its Britney Bitch?, because its ironic that its not? maybe,lol
• Thoughts of an Undersexed Art Boy
• Homeless in Georgia, cause I am
• Does that Purple Comet Come With a Receipt, my favorite Kanye West line except he said something completly different yet I thought he said this for an entire week
• SOUTHERN DIRTY TALK or MR.SEXY ASS VOICE, cause I mean who wouldnt wanna see that in flashing lights everyday
• J or Jay or JA, just because I like the name J
• All the Names You Called Out or Stumbled Through This Far, song lyrics but do you know fromm where?
• Aint On the Fence About It, I Aint Mr.Feeney, come on it doesnt get any better than a Boy Meets World reference and lyrics from a Drake song
• Small of My Back, because no one has yet to explain to me what the fuck this is
  

But seriously I need a new name. Give me one, and you'll get a night in either x or shots. I've talked it over with them and they said they're down for WHATEVER.

dreaming again

I'm not a superstitious guy, but I do believe in signs. I believe that there are signs all around us that tell us what we need to do we just don't take the time to notice them. But then there are those signs that are sent to us that they're kinda hard to miss.

I plan on moving to Cali in January. Don't ask me why, don't ask me why, just know that I am coming to Cali in January. And I believe this is where I'm meant to be for example. I have a fear of elevators. When I was younger I got stuck in an elevator in a building with 21 floors. I was in Texas, at a family reunion and for some reason the elevator wanted to play a game with me. I remember being scared out of my mind as I was trapped in this enclosed space for twenty minutes before some random guy was able to open the door when the elevator stopped on the 11th floor. And from that day on I stayed away from elevators.

There's only a couple of instances when I will get on an elevator. 1. its unfeasible to take the stairs and 2. I'm doing laundry. My dorm has four floors, a basement, and a sub-basement. I live on the second floor and the laundry room is in the basement, therefore I'm forced to use the elevator. If I don't use the elevator then I become this sweaty black guy carrying fifty pounds of clothing up and down two flights of stairs and the only time people ever wanna see a sweaty black guy is when he's naked. And then we all make an exception, because the sexiest thing in the world is having a naked, sweaty black guy lean over you.

So today I was so bored with my life I said to myself. Self, you have a research paper due in three weeks maybe you should do some research. And myself replied, J I think you're right. Lets head to the library and do said research. Only problem is, I've never been to the library before. So I call up Em, ask her where the library is, and start walking to it. I walk in the library, asks a librarian how to look up books, and I'm on my way, but wait there's just one problem.

The library has 7 floors, a basement, and a sub-basement full of books, and all the books I need are on the 5th and 6th floor. I mean I could walk, but I just walked to the library, so my only option is one of the three tiny, wood paneled elevators. I take a deep breath, wait for one to arrive, and in I go.

1st floor
2nd floor
3rd floor

everything is goin well

4th floor
5th floor
6th floor

The elevator stops, but the doors don't open. Great! I'm stuck in a fucking elevator once again.I call the operator and they say someone should be there in a second to see what the problem is. So I sit for a while and no one comes, but I'm okay because I'm just happy I haven't started freaking out yet. I calculate I have enough air to breath for a few hours and worst case scenario I can get my Peter Petrelli on and just fly out the top of the elevator shaft. But then I notice something.

I get off my but, get on all fours, and put my head close to the floor. Damn, the fucking elevator is made by OTIS. A couple of seconds later the doors open and I'm greeted by some blond tri-delta and a look of disgust. IM SO SORRY THAT I WAS STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR FOR TWENTY MINUTES AND I REVERTED BACK TO MY CAVEMAN WAYS. So yeah if that isn't a sign that I'm meant to be in cali attending Otis then I don't know what is. I even managed to take a pic of the floor of the elevator to show you guys.
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Sidenote, does anyone else believe in deja-vu. I do and I've been experiencing it a lot lately. I hade a case of it today in my english class, which I was late too. I don't know what they mean, but I know I have them a lot. And eveytime I have one I convince myself that I'm gonna start writing down my dreams, so I can look out for these deja-vu moments. But I never write them down so I can never look out.
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Last but not least. My friend is on spring break and that means no more MSN conversations for him and I until he gets back. But this did allow us to finally talk on the phone. I must say its finally nice to put a voice to a face, and he made me feel better about my voice. He said I sounded exactly how he pictured me to sound so that made me feel good. He also said I sound like a cowboy, which I'm also happy about, because I hate when people call me country. Yes I'm country, but for so many other reasons and my voice isn't one of them. So saying I sound like a cowboy made me smile a little bit. The only other thing is he said I always sound tired when we talk. Which is probably true, because all our conversations are usually happening around or after 1 o'clock my time and I usually am tired. But I always lie and say I'm not, because I actually wanna talk to him and usually if you tell someone you're sleepy they get off the phone so you can go to sleep. So now you know, the reason I always sound tired when we talk, is because I usually am tired. ^__. Like right now, I told him I was going to sleep like 15 minutes ago and its 2:51 and I'm still not sleep. Maybe I should just hit the sack, close my eyes, and hope for the best.
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OMG, I just realized today is April 1, which means its April Fools Day. YAY ME. April Fools Day is one of my favorite holidays if not my favorite. Its up there with St. Patrick's Day and Labor Day, you know the under appreciated holidays, but I love them because they don't involve seeing family or giving and receiving presents. But I don't wanna get my hopes because I was disappointed with my first St. Patrick's Day experience. Yeah, I saw a lot of drunk college students, but I see that almost every night. I was expecting to see hords of people wearing green, and that just didn't happen. So lets hope someone pulls atleast one April Fools Joke, even if its one of those lame ones where you tell someone you love/like them and when they say really/aww thanks you scream out April Fools.