death of inebriation birth of something new

Today is April 17. Six months ago I started this blog. Six months ago I was a different person. Six months ago none of you knew of me, but look at me now. I'm 19, I'm focused, and I'm a lot happier. So in honor of my six month anniversary I thought it would be interesting to dissect my first post and state how things have changed. So if you haven't read it, now would be a good time to check it out.

I'm not new to this. I've had several blogs in the past, and a couple of them were pretty successful. Yet after a month or two I always ended up leaving them. I get to a point where I never have anything to write, or have something to say but became afraid someone I know may find the blog and read it. But not anymore, at this point in my life I could care less what anyone thinks.

I wasn't new to blogging. I had already had at least six other blogs, but most of them were music related. The few personal ones I had always came to a point where I had to stop writing, because I was hiding this huge part of me. Blogging was suppose to be a place where I could be free and show who I was, but even there I was hiding. So unlike this one, they never lasted. The one thing that stands out to me from that is the fact that I said I could care less what anyone thought of me. That was a bold face lie, because to this day none of you know who I am. You know about me, but only a handful of you actually know my real name and there's a reason for that.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to see who really cares about me. I'm starting to realize where I want to be in five, ten, fifty years from now. I know who are my real friends, they're the ones that i keep in contact with even though we're hundreds of miles away. My best friend since the sandbox goes to the same university as me, and we never speak. We never just hang out or go catch a lunch or something.

Six months later and I know who cares about me and who doesn't. The same people I was referring to six months ago are the same people I'm talking about now. Of all the people I went to high school with I still only keep in contact with the same three, maybe four if you include H. I talk to K, Lush, and D on a weekly basis. If I need something I know I can call them. Unfortunately that friend from the sandbox I was referring to, IV, he and I have grown even farther apart. I haven't seen or heard from him at all this semester. Maybe he died? Not likely, but it makes me wonder. Maybe one day I'll call him up and make plans to meet somewhere and catch up.

Never let someone you know, become someone you knew.

I have an idea of where I want to be in five/ten years. I know I want to be doing something I love. I know I want to be living in either New York or Cali. I know I want to be in some type of committed relationship. I'll be 29, and I don't wanna be sleeping around with random guys or girls. Its just not something I want to be looking forward to.

I don't blame him, and I don't blame myself. I blame time. We grew apart in high school. I mean I'm just this atypical black kid and his family is basically worshiped by the town, what did we expect to happen. We talk whenever we see each other, its just not the friendship e had back in 97 when we would trade baseball cards while everyone else would go to recess.

But at least we're not at a point where we won't ever be in contact. So I guess that's enough information for a first post, guess I'll catch you up on my history at a later date. But welcome to my life, don't let all the inebriation distract you.

I still don't blame IV or myself for us growing apart and losing contact, cause if we see each other I'm sure it will be like old times. We just have this chemistry and just connect on a level, so maybe over the summer we may run into each other and figure out how exactly it is that we both go to the same college, yet never see each other.

The atypical black kid comment I wish I never made. Yeah I'm black. Yeah I'm not a thug, but that doesn't make me atypical. It just makes me J. I think back then I was still in that high school state of mind where I just stood out amongst a sea of white classmates. In the hallway I was just another statistic, but as soon as I stepped into my classroom I was an anomaly. I was that one that defied the odds, the one that was different from someone else, I was the one that defied the stereotype and I was happy to be that kid in high school. Yeah, it made my life a little harder and maybe stressful, but who cares. But now its kinda like yeah I'm black. Yeah I'm not a thug, but so are a lot of other people. The only differnce between me and them is the fact that I'm J.

oh, and i'm fuckin EPIC! oh yeah, i think i'm gonna keep the title. i'm falling in love with it again.

currently listening to:Right Now-Danity Kane