30 March 2009

ups and downs

The only two ways to describe my day is up and down. When I thought everything was gonna be a load of shit something would happen to turn my mood around and I was happy as hell. But that never lasted long because something else would come around and fuck up my happiness. Allow me to demonstrate.


I woke up this morning, ate a good breakfast, even ironed my clothes(something I never do on art days because they just end up getting dirty). I did all my homework and was actually pretty excited to see my drawing teacher. She just has this laugh that makes me smiles, plus she's always popping up when I least expect her, so I stay on my toes.


I get to drawing and I give her my essay we have to do once a month. As soon as I hand it to her she takes this opportunity to make an example out of me. Tells the whole class we have to start turning assignments in on time, that she is going to be more strict, because school is almost over. The only problem is I wasn't in class Friday and when I make a point to tell her this she does that laugh she does and apologizes. Five minutes later I show her my drawing homework.

Our instructions were to take 3 18x24 sheets of drawing paper, divide them into 4 equal squares and use black india ink to draw/paint several nature scenes from one area. Each square should be done in 20 minutes and all together we should have spent around 5 hours on the drawings. So I show her my drawings and immediately she says I did not spend twenty minutes on each drawing. She then takes thi opportunity once again to use me as an example and goes on a tirade about following the homework directions. Because time is running out and she expects more out of us. But the thing is I didi spend 20 minutes on each of my drawings. She knows as well as everyone else in the class that I am a slow worker. For example its been about 5 weeks since we started on our graphite self-portrait and while almost everyone else is finished, I still ave some things on mine to complete. So after calling me a bold face liar I sunk into my cave of depression where I intended on staying for the rest of the day.


The only problem with that is Em was sitting next to me. She saw I wasn't my usual self and began cracking jokes, talking about people, and imitating our drawing teachers' unque laugh. Soon enough I was doing the same and I coulldn't stop laughing. This continued until 1:25 when I made it to my color & composition class.


If you've been reading lately you should know that I finally got an answer from Al or where I stood. Basically even if Al was single I wouldn't have a great chance of becoming his next boyfriend, and after him avoiding be Friday I only expected things to be worse in class. As soon as he walked in the room and didn't speak to me it kinda hit me. Damn, this is really over. It was finally real and for a few seconds I thought about getting up and leaving class. For some reason I just felt uncomfortable.


That uncomfortable feeling lasted for most of the class, but then someting happened. One of our classmates is obsessed with the Spice Girls and since it was her birthday we were listening to some of their classic songs. I don't know how it happened, but she did something unusual and we both saw it. I looked at him, he looked at me and we kinda gave each other that "whats up/whats your problem" glare from across the room. I looked away and when I looked back our eyes met again, but this time the look faded and he started smiling so I smiled back and I then knew nothing had changed. We were still friends and everything else was just bullshit. He's a guy, I'm a guy and we shouldn't let emotions get in the way of the great friendship we have. We even had a quick conversation during class and we walked together as we usually do after class was over.


After color comp I figured nothing else would get me down, but boy was I wrong. Around 10 o'clcok I'm in my bed just got finished watching a disappointing episode of Heroes and in walks my roommate. I flipped to VH1 and see that For the Love of Ray J is coming on. Damn am I excited, because this is the episode Brandy is gonna be on and I'm kinda a huge Brandy fan. Not as big as a Britney fan, but Brandy's my number 2.

So the episode is on for about 5/10 minutes. The roomie gets out of bed and turns off my tv. Doesn't ask me just turns it off. So me being the nice guy I am, I politely turn it back on. I guess that was the wrong thing for me to do, because he slowly turns around and I end up in some wacko conversation with him.

Are we going to have a problem?

With me watching tv?



So we're cutting it off.

But.....I'm kinda watching tv.

So we're going to have a problem.

With me watching tv?

You know what I can't do this anymore. I've just had it. I've reached my breaking point. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. A lot of pacing. A few expletives. A slamed door. A knock at the door because he doesn't have his keys. Huffing and puffing. ANother slammed door. And five minutes later he returns with the RA.

Me and the RA have a five minute conversation, we catch up on each others lives, we ask about the bothers, and then there's this annoying tooth sucking thats heard from the other side of the room and the RA remembers he's suppose to be addressing a problem.

I honestly still don't know exactly what happend in this little meeting we had, and the only conclusion I can come up with is I'm not allowed to ever watch tv in my dorm room since my roommate hates leaving to go study. And being that the only thing he ever does in the room is sleep and study and I'm nice enough to cut off the tv when he's sleeping I guess I won't be able to ever watch tv again in the room.

Because the RA was nice enough to point out that we have tv lounges on every floor and a plasma screen in the basement. But I kinda have a plasma in my room. One that I worked hard for at your local McDonalds to buy myself. So what was the point of me even buying the plasma if I can't watch it in my room?

Maybe I should start putting those headphones I bought to good use. Maybe now the roomie won't cut off my tv even when I have those on.

secret #6

One of the things I hate the most is when you get it in your mind that you're gonna be mad or sad today. Maybe you wake up go to class and when you get there everything just goes to shit. Your teacher chews you out in front of the class. Maybe she class you a fucking liar. Who knows, but you set it in your mind that for the rest of the day you're going to be sad or maybe even mad.

But there always seems to be that one friend that refuses to let you stay in that funk. They crack jokes, they make funny comments, they do whatever it takes to make you smile. At first you ignore it and pretend like you don't care. But it gets to a point where you're mad at yourself. You're mad because you don't wanna laugh, but its to a point where you have to laugh. And then you finally break, you laugh, you smile, and that bad feeling is gone.

Yea I'm sure this is a good thing, but damn I hate when it happens.

29 March 2009


new layout

I think this will be the final layout change. I actually like this one so expect it to stay this way for a while, especially since x! wants to have sex with it. So I think we have a winner on our hands. There may be a few changes to it in a bit, I'm working on adding a Important Posts link in one of the sidebars, and I plan on changing the links up top. Maybe one to include my artwork.

But the real point of this post is to ask for you guys' opinion. At the moment I'm considered an INTENDED art major, which means I don't actually have a major until I pass my portfolio review on May 1. In order to do that I have to submit 5 pieces, four of which my instructors can help me with, and one of which I have to do by myself. This piece has to fall under the theme of "Secret Spaces." This would be so much easier for me if I didn't always think of secret places, but I figured I would do something with a theme of music. So I sketched out an idea I wanna do and I'm just wondering what you guys think. Its only a sketch but I plan on making it be all black and white except for the headphones so they stand out.

So if you saw this would you believe it could be something with the theme of "Secret Spaces."

28 March 2009

prepare to be served

My childhood in one word. EPIC! cloudy with a chance of meatballs AND where the wild things are! I mean it just doesn't get any better than that. Now all I need is "The Giving Tree" to be made into a movie and my life will be complete.

Had to post this just for the simple fact Kristen Bell is in it and we all know how I feel about her. I mean first she was Veronica Mars then Elle from Heroes, and then Sarah Marshall. How can you not like her, unfortunately she's nowhere to be found in the trailer.

Probably my favorite song that has been on constant replay in between the Dream and Keri Hilson's new cds.

I'm not a fan of the original but he makes the verses more bearable, and I get more of what I liked in the chorus from this acoustic version. And to think it only took Rick blasting Girls Aloud for two hours to get me to understand that their not that bad.

27 March 2009


Today was the first day I can say I felt ALIVE. The bad thing is when you're finally ALIVE everything hurts more. For the last three months I've been talking to this one guy on MSN. Great guy, just all around awesome guy. Captain Awesome if you will. I honestly feel like this guy is the best friend I've always wanted. I care for this guy and I would take a bullet and give him a kidney if he needed it. I LOVE this guy, and I don't know if I took this guy for granted or what but I think I hurt him. Well i know I hurt him, and that hurts me. I've honestly been crying since he told me how he felt.

I've never felt so ALIVE in my life but I don't know if I wanna continue being alive if the emotions are this REAL and HURT this much. I don't cry, its just not something I was taught that REAL men do. But im crying now. I'm crying because whether I realized it or not I hurt a friend and... Yea I really don't know what the point of this is, but yeah. Don't feel bad for me. Don't send me comforting words. I just dont know.

I've never felt so ALIVE in my life and it sjust a new feeling for me. So can anyone tell me why I can cry so many tears for a friend that I've never me in my life but I can't seem to shed a tear for that sister who I've never seen in her 10 years, or for the father I always wanted but never got, or for anyone else who I actually know in everday life. What does that say about this guy. '

It says a lot. I just hope he knows that he's probably the most important person in my life right now. Scratch that, HE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT GUY IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I'll even go as far as to say next to my mom he's next in line. For someone I've never met he's made a profound affect on who I am and the man I'm becoming.

So yeah I'm sorry and if I knew more portuguese I would say it in portuguese too.

your boo friend
your favorite DRAMA KING

26 March 2009

this one is for you shots

This is one of the posts that I talked about in the previous post. You all can thank Shots for this one. :)

While I have a few minutes of free time I thought I'd speak about something a little less serious, but important in todays world. Why Britney is greater than Christina. I mean its kinda obvious why she is, but there are those illiterate fucks like shots who just refuse to see the greatness which she is (even though he's constantly singing "Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know" and thinks "Slave 4 u" is sexy. For some reason he believes Christina is greater. I mean I can agree to the statement that Christina is less than OR equal to Britney, but she's not greater than. Not by a long shot.

  1. Its Britney bitch. Who doesn't know her. Who hasn't listened to one of her songs and enjoyed it. Whether it was today, last month, or ten years ago. At some point in your life everyone has enjoyed what she does.
  2. Yes Christina has a great voice, but a lot of people have a great voice. So why does that make her greater than Britney. Thats like comparing Mariah to Janet Jackson and arguing based on voice alone that Mariah is greater than Janet. I mean Janet is a fucking icon Mariah is just Mariah. I mean I lover her and everything, but Janet will be in the history books beofore her. Just because you have the most number 1s doesn't make you an icon or legend. Just means you have the most number 1s.
  3. Christina wants to be Britney. Lets think about this. Britney did a Pepsi commercial. Christina did Coke and a few years later she did Pepsi. Too bad they never aired it America. HA! Britney did a sketchers campaign. Christina does a Sketchers campaign. Britney dates Justin. Christina goes on tour with Justin. Britney gets married twice, Christina gets married and is currently working on that second one. Britney has two sons. Christina has one. So as you can see Britney is better because Christina wants to be like Britney unfortuantely Britney does everything bigger and better.
  4. Remember the Britney/Madonna kiss. Well Christina was there too, but no one remembers that.
  5. Britney has a Grammy. Yes I know Christina has a Grammy or two, but last time I checked it was for a song featuring a few other ladies. And Best New Artist isn't even a real Grammy. As soon as she won it it lost all its meaning. I mean how exactly does Christina beat Britney out for Best New Artist. I mean seriously, Baby One More Time sold 14 million records.
  6. Baby One More Time is a fucking classic. Genie In A Bottle, not so much.
  7. Britney's sold more albums than Christina.
  8. That whole meltdown Britney had, is another reason. Christina is kinda meh. She's just too perfect and kinda confusing. I mean one moment she's this genie chick and the next she's singing songs in spanish. Then next she's all dirrty with two rs and then she's some glam 40s/50s/60s chick, and then she's a poor man's version of Lady Gaga. Britney not so much. There haven't been that much of a drastic change for Britney, she kinda just evolved with her career. No need for a new image with each album because she's just awesome like that. And the meltdown just humanises her and makes her more interesting. I mean if you had to choose one over the other to spend a night out in a bar with who would you choose?
  9. She has this special talent where she turns an umbrella into a weapon of mass destruction.
But thats the end of my rant. Don't blame me for this. Blame Shots.


I woke up this morning and I actually knew what day of the week it was. Yay me! Its Thursday and not Friday, so I'm really excited that I wasn't confused. But on a sadder note the FAILWHALE strikes again. I've basically decided that I won't be doing anything for this 200th post. Officially this is actually my 202 post, but there are two posts I haven't posted yet. One kinda serious the other just funny filler. So unofficially this is the 200th post.

Looks like you won x. But where the fuck were you last night?

25 March 2009



He just text me and it wasn't what I wanted to hear but it was what I needed to hear. So all in all I'm happy with how the last three months of my life have gone. Whatever I felt for Al helped me grow into what I am now so it was all worth it. And I made a good friend and came out to a friend because of this. So If I could go back in time and change everything I don't think I would. Well I know I wouldn't.


Here's the text I sent to Al an hour ago.

Just had a question that I've been wondering about since I came out to you. If you didn't have a boyfriend would I even have a chance.


Its been an hour and he hasn't responded. Which means he probably won't and I'm just going to assume that means a big fat NO. Shots doesn't agree with the text message and feels the question would have been better served in person, but I disagree. Yes the text may be a little less personal, but it takes away a lot of the tension or pressure there would be. Like I told Shots a simple yes or no would have sufficed.

Also this way I atleast know he received the text and the next time I see him(which will either be tomorrow or Monday) I plan on asking him if he got my text. See there is a method to my madness. I'm more comfortable with asking if he got a text than if he thinks he could be with me.

But I'm happy I sent the text. I was nervous at first, but after I sent it it all went away. This will provide me with some closure and I can move on with my life. Goodbye Al, welcome back Rick? Maybe, maybe not. But what I do know is I'm almost to my 200th post and unlike x!(mister 400) I plan on doing something for it, but I don't know what.

All suggestions are appreciated.


Three months of mind stalking and contemplating comes down to one text message. Damn, did I just make a mistake.

24 March 2009


If you're following me I assume a) you wanna know more about who I am b) you're interested in what I have to say c) your life would suck without me. But either way I've decided to start doing something new. I'll do it either every Sunday or during the week. Just to give you guys a sense of what goes on in my mind from second to second, minute to minute. It would probably be easier to just get a twitter, but I refuse to join, plus I'm too lazy to fill out all that information shit. So here we go.

  • I'm American so the rest of the world revolves around me. I mean come on whats up with mm, cm, km. I'm American and I'm dumb as rocks so give me the simple shit. Feet, inches, and gallons.
  • It was just brought to my attention that we use something not 10 based, so maybe we're smarter than I like to believe.
  • I told a guy I may like or have a crush on him. Its whatever I just hope he don't go and be weird on me. I mean you're still gonna be my boo bear even if you don't like me like that. And I hope I'm still your baby boo or whatever you call me.
  • I now know what "superman that hoe" means, and it wasn't what I expected. Oh yeah, Souljah Boy will be here April 9, I plan on going home.
  • I need to ask Al to the movies tomorrow, and in the process get his number.
  • I need a new layout
  • I need to organize my pics so I can out together this portfolio so I can get into college so I can move to cali and live a happy gay life not married.
  • Damn I miss my boo bear. I wonder if you've thrown up all that Chinese food.
  • *best lil' wayne impression "Ms.Kerri baby"
  • KS
  • Where the hell is x!
  • But really where the fuck is K! Someone doesn't love me anymore. :(
  • Almost 200 posts, how shall I celebrate
  • Someone from Morehouse visits my page. I know a few guys from Morehouse and I've always suspected they were, well you know. But I wonder if its one of them. Hmmm.
  • Its Monday, which means its laundry day, yet I haven't done laundry for the second week in a row. I wonder when I'll run out of fresh boxers.
  • I hate when guys describe their dicks as semi, or semi erect, and now I hate myself. Cause its the only way I can describe mine right now.
  • Damn, I still havent gotten Em to say about yet. Its the one word she refuses to say and the only one that shows she's from Canada.

23 March 2009

life of an art student

I can remember last semester seeing all these kids with their big trendy scarves and their flashy sunglasses, with their face paint and weird clothes carrying their extra-large clipboards which were actually drawing boards and their art bins or tackle boxes.

I can remember staring at them all thinking that I wish I could be them. I wish I could wake up in the morning and not have to worry what I looked like cause I could always say I'm an art student so no matter what I wear it'll just get dirty.

I remember wanting to be those kids.

Well now I am one of those kids and if I do say so the life of an art student isn't as glamorous as they made it seem. Its expensive for one, and being the stingy guy I am I refuse to buy new supplies until I've exhausted all my resources. Those extra large clipboards I wanted to carry around is a pain in the ass, especially if you also have the tackle box with you. I mean there's only so much I can do with one hand. And the homework. Don't get me started on the homework. I mean I can only draw my face so many times, before I get to a point where I hate the way my face looks.

I mean have you guys ever really looked in the mirror and just diagrammed your face. I have and its not something I recommend. For one thing my head is a little wop-sided. It tilts to the left ever so slightly. One of my nostrils is bigger than the other, and one of my eyes is longer than the other. My beard, well its a beard and its just out of control. And then I have these little bags under my eyes, but thats only for the first hour of the day. After that they tend to disappear, but still I noticed these things.

But even with all of those negative things I wouldn't give this up for the world. Maybe for a free A in my art history class, but not for the world. Unless I could become the king of LA, then we could negotiate.

20 March 2009

damn that was quick

I know I said I was going on hiatus for a week, but did anyone actually believe that? Blogging is an addiction, and I was going through withdrawals so I had to make a post.

All the drama, or whatever it was, that happened the last few days is over. As far as I'm concerned Rick is still a great guy and so is my friend. Whatever happened, or didn't happen is in the past and is no concern to me. It it what it is.

If this situation taught me anything its that I'm ready for a relationship. I want a boyfriend. I know what you're probably thinking, damn Rick was just there why want one now? And you're probably right, but I'm actually serious now. I want a boyfriend, but how am I suppose to get one when I'm still in the closet? I don't know, guess its something I need to think about.

On another note, it seems that I'm a little obsessive with Al. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed and I wouldn't say that I'm still stuck on him. I still like him and everything, but I don't think about him as much as I use to, and right now I'm just trying to build a stronger friendship with him. He's a great guy and I could learn something from him, but I will say there was this one moment in class where I almost gave in to the animal in me.

I was just sitting at the table painting, when out of nowhere he sneeks up on me from behind. I turn to look at him and our faces are basically touching and he's just sitting there smiling, before he begins to talk. But the thing that almost got me was his smell. It was just something about it that sent my hormones into a frenzy and I almost gave in.

Damn, if you guys only knew what is running through my mind now. After I thought I had everything figured out its all going to hell now. Damn, damn, damn. Damn, the next time an opportunity arises I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna make my move and then I think I'll be able to really move on.

Damn, why must i like boys. Things was so much simpler with chicks. I fuckin miss high school.

19 March 2009


One week. That's all I need. Just need to rethink somethings, prioritize my life, and refocus. So I guess this is a goodbye until the 26th. Check out the blogs on the side. All of them are better than this shit I call a blog.

18 March 2009

where do we go from here

Guess what world. I know who the other guy is. And to say I'm shocked is the understatement of the millennium. Damn, why him? Of all guys, why?

i had it coming

Well you guys, its over. Not that I'm sure entirely what that means, but we are. Rick said he found some other guy he was interested in and wanted me to know before he acted on it. It makes sense and I'm happy for him. He's a great guy and deserves to have all his love returned. I'm just not capable of that right now.

I just wonder who the guy is?

quick update

There's not really anything to write about, so this may be kinda pointless, but i'm okay with that if you are. Things are still going pretty good with me and Rick. The same can be said about me and Al, I even drove him back to his room in my car. I finally told Rick the whole story of me and Al, and he took it better than I expected.

I appreciate all the comments left from the last post. The choice seems obvious and I know I'm probably just being stupid, but if Rick was to give me an ultimatum today between him and Al, I don't know who I would choose. I don't wanna be with Rick officially, just because I can't be with Al. I don't think me or Rick would benefit from that.

On a side note, have you ever had a friend who you thought was a friend, but maybe you weren't as close as you thought you were? I don't know how to put it in words, but I think I'm in a situation like that. I could be totally wrong, so I don't wanna pass any kind of judgment yet.

But time tells a boy all.

so I guess i'll wait to see how all of this plays out.

16 March 2009

al vs. rick

Al [ahl]


a male given name: form of Albert, Alfred, Aloysius.

  1. an asian boy
  2. college freshman
  3. nineteen years of age
  4. an art student
  5. close friend
  6. currently has a boyfriend

Rick [rik]

a male given name: form of Erick or Richard.

  1. a mexican guy
  2. college freshman
  3. eighteen years of age
  4. journalism major
  5. close friend
  6. doesn't have a boyfriend
  7. amazing in bed
  8. has an 8 inch dick

So here's the thing, I'm kinda crushing on two guys. The decision seems obvious, but when emotions are involved things get a little complicated especially for me. Heres the situation I'm in. I know that me and Al will probably not get together this semester, and I'm moving to Cali in January so why not move on? Cause I'm either in love with this amazing guy or I'm just really obsessed. The time we're together I'm one of the happiest kids in the world and I don't even care that we're not together.

Then there's Rick. Only known him for four days, but I've spent the last three nights laying in his arms. He's a great guy and we instantly clicked. The sex is up there with some of the best times I've ever had, and there's just this connection when we're doing it. He wants a relationship with me, and I can see us being together, eventually, but right now I don't think we should go there.

  1. He's never dated and I'm only the second guy he's been with.
  2. I tend to fuck up when sex is involved.
  3. I still have feelings for Al.
  4. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him, if I let him in.
  5. I'm afraid of love.

12 March 2009

ha ha he he ha ha ho

After what just happened I think this is blogworthy. Plus my little brother told me yesterday that he think she's the best white girl that sings the types of songs she sings. Which translates to Britney is the shit and the best thing ever, lol.

11 March 2009

can someone help me?

Sorry the last post was so cryptic, but it was 3 in the morning and I was sleepy as fuck. But somehow as I was crawling onto my sofa I had one of my world famous "what the fuck are you doing j" moments which caused the last post. So I'm okay, I'm not ending the blog, and me and Al are still going to be friends I'm just not focused on making him my boyfriend or looking for one at the moment. I'm 19, I should be having fun, I have the rest of my life to be tied down. So that's where I am right now.

But can someone help me? How can I backup my blog. I have this weird feeling that somehow my blog is gonna be shut down or I'll lose all the posts, but I don't want that to happen. Any suggestions.

im done

Its over. See you next year.

10 March 2009

i wasn't gonna post today

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I wasn't gonna post today because there's really nothing to talk about. I mean I went to the dentist today and I have no cavities, but other than that nothing really happened. Wait. I also cooked some BBQ chicken today, so maybe that's blog worthy. But other than that its been pretty mundane here in Savannah.

So I didn't see a reason to blog today, but then I ran out of things to draw and began looking for new blogs to read and somehow ran into two new ones. Both are by Asian men so you know what that means. I thought about Al. Not good, lol. But what really hit me is when I watched one of their videos when he was singing Adele's "Chasing Pavements." I never really paid attention to the lyrics, but they reall symbolize what I've been trying to figure out the last couple of days.

Should I give up on Al or should I continue, even if it eventually leads no where. I really don't know which is better for me. I would love to have a relationship with Al, but is there any possibility that it could happen before schools out? Also I feel like if I decided to stop pursuing Al I'll just go back to what I was doing before. Having random sex with guys and chicks. There's nothing wrong with that, but I really want a relationship. So that probably wouldn't end with me having someone to call a boy/girlfriend.

But on a brighter note, my friend Shots(who lives in cali) somehow started talking to some guy who goes to UGA like me. I guess he reads his blog, and Shots told him about me, and somehow he convinced both of us to meet up when school starts back Monday. So I'm kinda excited, but also nervous about meeting the guy, but I'm hoping for the best. The worst that can happen is we don't click and we never talk again.

So I'm gonna end this post with the two videos that caught my eye tonight and I'm gonna dedicate them both to Shots, cause at the moment he's the only guy in my life who loves me, and I'm okay with that. XD

found at Letopho

found at Moany

Sorry, Shots is the only one Asian who loves me. Sorry if i didn't make that clear. Didn't mean for anyone to get offended. My bad.

08 March 2009

it wasn't so bad

My dad came today. It was the first time I had seen him since graduation back in May. My grandmother and uncle also came with them. When I found out they were coming I began cringing. I didn't wanna see them AT ALL, but it turned out not to be as bad as I thought it would. Mainly because I got a car out of it.

The pessimist in me wants to think that the car is a way for my dad to buy my love, and if that was the point then well played. But the optimist in me sees this as him saying I'm proud of you. You worked hard through high school and now you're doing something with your life and I'm sorry I wasn't there before. But I want to be now.

I still don't know how to feel about it though. I was shocked when he told me he was giving me his car, because I really needed a car. Now I can actually find a job and do this that I need to do. I'm expected the worst from the day, but it turned out pretty well and I learned a few things in the process.

  1. Being a whore/slut runs in my blood. My granddaddy has 9 kids all from different women, and my dad is sleeping with two women now.
  2. I have a ten year old sister that I never met. I've known about her for a while(thanks to my little brother) but this was the first time they actually told me about her. But the shocking part to me was the girl is 10. Which means she was born when I was 9 and not when I was in high school as I previously thought.
  3. Knowing that they kept this secret from me for 10 years just underscores why I don't trust too many people.

07 March 2009

issues:fascination with sex

I’m pretty bored right now so here’s another post. I’m also a little sad, but it has nothing to do with anything I’m about to write. Plus if I told you guys why I’m sad you’d probably laugh and call me dumb. So I’ll keep it to myself. I guess this is bye x!.

But yea, I have this weird fascination with sex. Its always been present in my life and sometime it was my sole driving force. At 7 I can remember going into my cousin’s room with another boy that my grandmother babysat. I don’t think we knew what we were doing, but it was fun. We just use to grind and dry hump and even then, I was the bottom.

At age 8 I watched my first porno. It was me, my older brother, and his friend. It was weird sitting there watching this lady get fucked. The guy’s dick was huge and some of the things they did were just crazy. I couldn’t watch the whole thing. Half way through I started getting sick. Start smelling something and my stomach began hurting. I don’t know why, but I did. I left out the room and I felt better. That was my first and last time watching a porno for a long time, but I always searched for that movie, but I still haven’t found it to this day.

At 9 I remember having two “situations” with guys. One was at summer camp. We had just gotten back from swimming so we only had on trunks. Somehow this guy dared me to lick his nipple, and being one to never back down from a double dog dare, I said okay. We went into the bathroom, got in the handicap stall, and I did more than just lick a nipple. I still don’t know if we knew what was going on, but that didn’t stop us. We stayed in there for a good twenty minutes, and never spoke to each other again.

Later that year I remember being at home alone with my cousin, and that same friend that I watched my first porno with. Somehow one of them decided it would be fun to play truth or dare. I was dared to kissed the friend’s but, and at first I objected even though I wanted to. But he pulled down his pants, bent over, and told me to just do it. I did, they both laughed and left out the room.

Later that same night when we were all getting ready for bed and were just in our boxers and t-shirts I remember him coming up behind me, and simulating sex. He grabbed me, and started humping my ass. I tried to get out of it, but I was enjoying the feeling of his big dick on my ass through our boxers. It felt nice, but when I felt my dick growing I tried my hardest to get out or risked being caught.

But the biggest exploration came when I was in middle school. I know I’ve said that my first sexual experience was with A. Technically that’s true, but I came very close with another friend on more than one occasion.

It started off as us just jerking off together and grew into more. We would have these “sleepovers” with each other, but we didn’t do too much sleeping. We would grope and play with each other under the sheets. I can remember all the times when he would climb on top of me, put my legs on his shoulders, and start grinding into my ass. It felt so good to just lay there, look into his eyes, and just listen to the words he would say to me, and then one night he asked if I wanted him to fuck me.

“Why not,” I told him. We had already given each other blow jobs, we jerked off together, so why not find out what all this sex was about. We took off each others’ clothes, he spit on his dick, and I spit on my ass. I climbed on top of him and tried to stick it in. No go, but that didn’t matter. It felt nice to feel a dick actually on the crack of my ass. I started going up and down and it felt so good. We did this for about twenty minutes, and then I began having this weird tingling sensation.

I jumped up, ran to the bathroom cause I thought I had to pee, but when I tried it went everywhere. And in that moment I knew I was in puberty, and later that week I finally discovered the joys of masturbation. So from that point on all our “sleepovers” always ended with me cumming all over his chest. The only bad thing is, he didn’t start cumming until right before he moved away in the eighth grade. I only tasted his cum twice. The first time it was the most magical thing I had ever tasted and I swallowed every drop The second, I just wanted to spit it up. Twice in one night, maybe it was just to much for me, but I was glad it happened.
After he left is when I got with K. At 14 me and A started fucking, and at 16 so did me and K. By 18 I had had five or six sexual partners. Ooh wait, that’s a lie and I’m too embarrassed to put the real numbers, but there was a couple three ways so that’s why its higher than five. I was truly a cum slut in the making and college would only make it worse.

When I got to college I’ll admit I got a little wild. I tried some things I never thought I would and had sex in places I wouldn’t under any other circumstances, but I was going through some things and sex was my way of coping. Sex gave me a way to escape all my problems and to just live and have fun at the time. Me and K had hit another rough patch and she almost killed herself. I was finally away from home and I was truly on my own. College was a new beast that high school had not prepared me for, so I resorted to what I was comfortable in. To what I knew I was good at, and that was sex.

But at 19 I’m doing better. I know sex is not the answer to all my problems, its actually one of the problems. But I’m doing good, on occasion I may slip back into that mind frame but it doesn’t last forever. I’m okay with not having sex, and jerking does the job the same and there isn’t any guilt left afterwards.

Sorry for the post being so long, but I was bored and a little sad. But now I’m hungry. Pizza anyone?

06 March 2009

how did this happen

I don't know how it happened or who to blame, but one name comes to mind. Shots. Because I would never let myself fall in love with someone who I couldn't have AGAIN. I did it once and it took three years and 120 miles for me to get out of that, so how the hell did this happen.

Sex just isn't the same if after you orgasm you're thinking about somebody else. You're so consumed with guilt that you can't enjoy the afterglow. It wasn't even full on sex. It was just a little head and a great rim job. That's all it was. He gave me some head, ate my ass, and then it was over. So why do I feel so bad.

I think I'm in love. For reals this time.

Wait, I wanna retract that. I think I'm FALLING in love. For reals.


Okay I'm THIS close from coming out. Imagine the size of your smallest fingernail, now cut it in half, and once more. That's how close I am to just coming out the closet and declaring to the world how bi I am. I have mass emails, mass text messages, and a facebook status and orientation change on reserve if I decide to do it. I don't know how this happened, but I don't care. I just know that i'm okay if everyone knows I'm bi and I'm seriously thinking about telling my mother when she comes to pick me up Sunday. i can't even lie, this whole new outlook on life is all about Al. And as soon as I get back from Spring Break I plan on starting phase two of making Al mine.


oh, and here's a video for some laughs. Its actually pretty good and I went to a church where the youth choir did stuff like this all the time.


I have trust issues. I wasn’t gonna talk about this issue, but I guess it’s the easiest one to do before the heavy stuff.

These trust issues go back to my mommy and daddy issues. As a child neither was really there for me. I was alone a lot at home, and if I was there it was usually because I was babysitting my little brother. I don’t know if my parents meant to lie to me, or it just sorta happened, because they felt if they disappointed me it wouldn’t affect me as much as my two brothers.

They would lie about small stuff, big stuff, or just dumb stuff. I remember asking for a lava lamp for my birthday when I was six or seven. It was all I wanted, and they promised me I would get it. February 14 came around and there was no lava lamp. Then there’s the cell phone incident. My mom promised me if I made all A’s in the eighth grade that she would finally buy me a cell phone. No problem, I was already a straight “A” student so this was a guaranteed cell phone. I made straight “As” and there was still no cell phone. The one thing this taught me was to stop asking for things, because it was the only way I could stop myself from being disappointed. If I didn’t ask for something, then they’d have no reason to lie to me, I would have no reason to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed.

The other big problem I have with trust is the fact that its hard for me to trust my friends. I wanna give them the benefit that they won’t burn me, but from past experiences when I let people in they did just that. So I learned to build up walls to protect myself from being hurt. It’s worked for a while, but now I’m realizing that maybe its time to just let go and start trusting people again.
For instance, yesterday was a really good day for me. I finally realized that people actually like me, and that I have more friends than I thought. This semester has really been good for me and my confidence. I’m finally seeing that when I don’t hold back and actually let people see who I am they tend to respond positively, believe it or not.

Yesterday a girl from my art class invited me to sit with her and a friend in the dining hall. And then another girl whose in my color comp class just ran up to me and hugged me when she saw me walk outside the art building. We sat there and had a twenty minute conversation about random things.

Then on Wednesday after color comp class a few of us stayed after to finish some work. We just sat around, cracked jokes, and talked about nothing. I even got to express my love for Britney, because someone actually went to her concert in Atlanta yesterday. This is something I never do. My love for Britney is something only people that have known me since middle school know. I’m embarrassed to say I love her, but I didn’t feel weird or awkward saying it. It just felt nice.
But I guess the ultimate thing happened today before color comp class. I walked in and Al was just sitting there finishing up one of the projects we had due today. I came in and we just started talking. The conversation wasn’t forced, and it felt nice to learn new things about him and to tell him things about me. We even ate lunch after class and continued our conversation.

So yea, I have trust issues, but I think I’m slowly bringing the walls down.

05 March 2009

issues:the prelude

With school coming to a standstill starting Friday, and my love life in order there’s not much for me to talk about. I thought about just not posting for a week or two, but I hate when other blogs do that so I came up with another idea. So all next week and maybe some this week I will be talking about the issues I’ve been dealing with the last nineteen years.

I've talked to a lot of people and a few of them have recommended I see a counselor or some kind of psychiatrist, but I’ve always brushed them off. Mainly because I fear that either they’ll prejudge me or tell me that I’m too “damaged” to be “fixed.” But I’m at a point where I’m open to the idea of seeing a counselor here at school. I even took the initiative of finding out how exactly I could see one at the health center here on campus, so I guess I’ll make that decision after I return from spring break.
So the biggest issues that I think I have are:

I have daddy issues.
I have mommy issues, or I did in high school.
I was molested.
I have a fascination with sex.

These are my issues. These are the things that made me who I am today, and I think they all come from the fact that I was molested as a child. I’ve never really talked about this experience in depth with anyone, and when I do I always make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, that it could have been worse. But it is a big deal and no child should ever have to experience it.

I honestly believe that if I was never molested that I wouldn’t be gay, bisexual, or whatever label I put on myself today. That maybe I would have been this straight guy, living this straight life, with the perfect girlfriend. That I wouldn’t be so confused at times, but would I be happy. That’s a question I’ll never be able to answer, but I do know I’m happy with where my life is headed now. I’m glad I have been able to experience the love of both a guy and a girl, because love is something we should all experience at least once in our lives. It’s an amazing feeling and you feel larger than life, so if the only way for me to have experienced this twice then maybe the best thing was being molested.

But this is just the prelude, the heavy stuff will follow.

04 March 2009

so whats next

Today is Wednesday. I have an Art History midterm that I am nowhere near ready for. I have an essay that's due tomorrow. And I have a few gradient scales that I haven't completed. But, none of this matters to me. The only thing that mattered today was walking into Color Comp, snatching Al by the arms, and making mad passionate love to him while everyone watched. That's how bad I want this guy, but that's not the reality of my life.

The whole morning was building up to me telling Al how I felt. I wasn't scared, I was anxious and when I saw him limp in on a crutch my world just came crashing down. Fuck you snow! But, it wasn't the snow's fault. It was the damn basketball court's fault, but it was much easier to blame the snow. So for the next two hours that's what I did. I blamed the snow and tried to figure out how in the hell I was gonna tell him how I felt. I couldn't drop a bomb on this kid when he was in actual physical pain. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't, but somehow I did.

All the words that I had planned out escaped me when I needed them most. All that would come out were a few "uhs" and "ums" here and there, but eventually the words came out. And it felt damn good. Nervewrecking, but good.

"I like you, and I know you have a boyfriend so I don't expect anything from this. I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer and wanted to tell you. But I hope we can remain friends."

Concise and to the point, but it got the point across. I couldn't look at him when I said this, but from the sounds he was making and some of the words I let him get in I could tell that the revelation was going over pretty well. That maybe if his situation was different we would actually have a chance to be together. The one thing I do remember him saying is "we can definitely still be friends," then he grabbed my arm, smiled a little, and limped away on his crutches while I went to grab a bite to eat.

But I couldn't eat. I had a tray full of food, but all I could handle was a few bites. My stomach was doing tricks, my head was all over the place, and the only emotion I could feel then was the absence of emotions. I was depressed. So I sat there listening to "Lost" and watched everyone else in the dining hall laugh and smile and eat. I couldn't take it so I left and headed back to the art school to waste time before my mandatory art school applicant meeting.

I'm still amazed at how fast my feelings returned, and I knew that everything was gonna be ok. I had finally let out two months of emotions and it didn't end as bad as I had predicted. My life isn't all bad. I like a guy who has a guy, but now he knows that I like him. So with this post Al will no longer be making an appearence on the blog. We're still firends and even had a quick conversation at the meeting, but I don't see a point of continuing writing about this guy.

You guys were here when I first met him and started crushing. You guys were here when I found out that he was bisexual like me. You guys were here when I sent him that facebook message and he ignored me the next day. You guys were here when I went up to him, started talking, and we became friends again. And now you're here when I expressed those feelings to him and now we must say goodbye.

So the next time you see the name Al in a post, best believe it will be full of some of that fairy tale love that you only see in the movies. The balls in his court, so we'll se what happens next.

01 March 2009

figuring things out

Well If anything good came out of this snowy day, it has to be the fact that now I have a few extra days to figure out exactly what I'm gonna say to Al. I mean I'm a man now, technically still a teenager, but with my experiences I think I can say that. So its time I start taking this whole love thing serious. So come Wednesday afternoon all these emotions and all these posts about Al will either be coming to an end, or taking an interesting turn. All depends on how he reacts.

So what I need you guys to do is tell me what I should add or take out from what I'm gonna say to him Wednesday. This isn't actually what I'm saying, but its like a skeleton of the things I wanna say.

So Al, there's something I need to tell you. It's kinda hard for me to do it, so just bear with me. I like you, I know you have a boyfriend, but it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm not asking you to break up with him or anything, I just wanna get the chance to know you better. I don't know why I like you and this is weird for me. I've never liked a guy before, so this is new to me. Any other time it was more of a sexual attraction, but with you its kinda different and I just wanted to put it out there so I can either move on or see where it goes. I just want a chance to get to know you better and I hope what I'm saying now doesn't ruin the friendship that we have. So, is there anything you wanna say?

holy crap batman, its snowing

I've only seen snow twice in my life, and today makes the third, and if I never see it again a day in my life it will be too soon. Don't get me wrong, I loved the snow the first two hours it fell, and recorded my childlike rant when I looked out my window and saw it was snowing, but after that wore off, I just wish it would just go away.

My lights went off, and damn the hallway was dark, trees are falling everywhere, and I don't even have cable now. But the worst part of it all is school is canceled tomorrow. Of all the days, why couldn't they cancel Tuesday. I hate Tuesday, and now I have to put off my talk with Al that I have all planned out in my head. I guess the only good thing that came out of this was the snow ball fight and I got to spend some time with Em.

Sidenote. How ironic is it that on the very next day after Black History Month ended that it snows. God really does have a sense of humor, and if I would have posted the blog that came before this one, you would have got that joke and the reference. Yea, its a snow day so I'm sorry.