I have trust issues. I wasn’t gonna talk about this issue, but I guess it’s the easiest one to do before the heavy stuff.
These trust issues go back to my mommy and daddy issues. As a child neither was really there for me. I was alone a lot at home, and if I was there it was usually because I was babysitting my little brother. I don’t know if my parents meant to lie to me, or it just sorta happened, because they felt if they disappointed me it wouldn’t affect me as much as my two brothers.
They would lie about small stuff, big stuff, or just dumb stuff. I remember asking for a lava lamp for my birthday when I was six or seven. It was all I wanted, and they promised me I would get it. February 14 came around and there was no lava lamp. Then there’s the cell phone incident. My mom promised me if I made all A’s in the eighth grade that she would finally buy me a cell phone. No problem, I was already a straight “A” student so this was a guaranteed cell phone. I made straight “As” and there was still no cell phone. The one thing this taught me was to stop asking for things, because it was the only way I could stop myself from being disappointed. If I didn’t ask for something, then they’d have no reason to lie to me, I would have no reason to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed.
The other big problem I have with trust is the fact that its hard for me to trust my friends. I wanna give them the benefit that they won’t burn me, but from past experiences when I let people in they did just that. So I learned to build up walls to protect myself from being hurt. It’s worked for a while, but now I’m realizing that maybe its time to just let go and start trusting people again.
For instance, yesterday was a really good day for me. I finally realized that people actually like me, and that I have more friends than I thought. This semester has really been good for me and my confidence. I’m finally seeing that when I don’t hold back and actually let people see who I am they tend to respond positively, believe it or not.
Yesterday a girl from my art class invited me to sit with her and a friend in the dining hall. And then another girl whose in my color comp class just ran up to me and hugged me when she saw me walk outside the art building. We sat there and had a twenty minute conversation about random things.
Then on Wednesday after color comp class a few of us stayed after to finish some work. We just sat around, cracked jokes, and talked about nothing. I even got to express my love for Britney, because someone actually went to her concert in Atlanta yesterday. This is something I never do. My love for Britney is something only people that have known me since middle school know. I’m embarrassed to say I love her, but I didn’t feel weird or awkward saying it. It just felt nice.
But I guess the ultimate thing happened today before color comp class. I walked in and Al was just sitting there finishing up one of the projects we had due today. I came in and we just started talking. The conversation wasn’t forced, and it felt nice to learn new things about him and to tell him things about me. We even ate lunch after class and continued our conversation.
So yea, I have trust issues, but I think I’m slowly bringing the walls down.
These trust issues go back to my mommy and daddy issues. As a child neither was really there for me. I was alone a lot at home, and if I was there it was usually because I was babysitting my little brother. I don’t know if my parents meant to lie to me, or it just sorta happened, because they felt if they disappointed me it wouldn’t affect me as much as my two brothers.
They would lie about small stuff, big stuff, or just dumb stuff. I remember asking for a lava lamp for my birthday when I was six or seven. It was all I wanted, and they promised me I would get it. February 14 came around and there was no lava lamp. Then there’s the cell phone incident. My mom promised me if I made all A’s in the eighth grade that she would finally buy me a cell phone. No problem, I was already a straight “A” student so this was a guaranteed cell phone. I made straight “As” and there was still no cell phone. The one thing this taught me was to stop asking for things, because it was the only way I could stop myself from being disappointed. If I didn’t ask for something, then they’d have no reason to lie to me, I would have no reason to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed.
The other big problem I have with trust is the fact that its hard for me to trust my friends. I wanna give them the benefit that they won’t burn me, but from past experiences when I let people in they did just that. So I learned to build up walls to protect myself from being hurt. It’s worked for a while, but now I’m realizing that maybe its time to just let go and start trusting people again.
For instance, yesterday was a really good day for me. I finally realized that people actually like me, and that I have more friends than I thought. This semester has really been good for me and my confidence. I’m finally seeing that when I don’t hold back and actually let people see who I am they tend to respond positively, believe it or not.
Yesterday a girl from my art class invited me to sit with her and a friend in the dining hall. And then another girl whose in my color comp class just ran up to me and hugged me when she saw me walk outside the art building. We sat there and had a twenty minute conversation about random things.
Then on Wednesday after color comp class a few of us stayed after to finish some work. We just sat around, cracked jokes, and talked about nothing. I even got to express my love for Britney, because someone actually went to her concert in Atlanta yesterday. This is something I never do. My love for Britney is something only people that have known me since middle school know. I’m embarrassed to say I love her, but I didn’t feel weird or awkward saying it. It just felt nice.
But I guess the ultimate thing happened today before color comp class. I walked in and Al was just sitting there finishing up one of the projects we had due today. I came in and we just started talking. The conversation wasn’t forced, and it felt nice to learn new things about him and to tell him things about me. We even ate lunch after class and continued our conversation.
So yea, I have trust issues, but I think I’m slowly bringing the walls down.
3 comments:
Trust and love go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other. I can see from the end of your post that you are starting to trust in yourself, see your self worth. Seeing that opens up doors. As to your parents, I can't say much because I don't know much other than you need to forgive the small shit and not be weighed down by their indiscretions.
yea i am starting to realize my self-worth, and i've forgiven my mom and all the problems i had with her. my dad on the other hand is a whole different thing.
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