With school coming to a standstill starting Friday, and my love life in order there’s not much for me to talk about. I thought about just not posting for a week or two, but I hate when other blogs do that so I came up with another idea. So all next week and maybe some this week I will be talking about the issues I’ve been dealing with the last nineteen years.
I've talked to a lot of people and a few of them have recommended I see a counselor or some kind of psychiatrist, but I’ve always brushed them off. Mainly because I fear that either they’ll prejudge me or tell me that I’m too “damaged” to be “fixed.” But I’m at a point where I’m open to the idea of seeing a counselor here at school. I even took the initiative of finding out how exactly I could see one at the health center here on campus, so I guess I’ll make that decision after I return from spring break.
So the biggest issues that I think I have are:
I have daddy issues.
I have mommy issues, or I did in high school.
I was molested.
I have a fascination with sex.
These are my issues. These are the things that made me who I am today, and I think they all come from the fact that I was molested as a child. I’ve never really talked about this experience in depth with anyone, and when I do I always make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, that it could have been worse. But it is a big deal and no child should ever have to experience it.
I honestly believe that if I was never molested that I wouldn’t be gay, bisexual, or whatever label I put on myself today. That maybe I would have been this straight guy, living this straight life, with the perfect girlfriend. That I wouldn’t be so confused at times, but would I be happy. That’s a question I’ll never be able to answer, but I do know I’m happy with where my life is headed now. I’m glad I have been able to experience the love of both a guy and a girl, because love is something we should all experience at least once in our lives. It’s an amazing feeling and you feel larger than life, so if the only way for me to have experienced this twice then maybe the best thing was being molested.
But this is just the prelude, the heavy stuff will follow.
I've talked to a lot of people and a few of them have recommended I see a counselor or some kind of psychiatrist, but I’ve always brushed them off. Mainly because I fear that either they’ll prejudge me or tell me that I’m too “damaged” to be “fixed.” But I’m at a point where I’m open to the idea of seeing a counselor here at school. I even took the initiative of finding out how exactly I could see one at the health center here on campus, so I guess I’ll make that decision after I return from spring break.
So the biggest issues that I think I have are:
I have daddy issues.
I have mommy issues, or I did in high school.
I was molested.
I have a fascination with sex.
These are my issues. These are the things that made me who I am today, and I think they all come from the fact that I was molested as a child. I’ve never really talked about this experience in depth with anyone, and when I do I always make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, that it could have been worse. But it is a big deal and no child should ever have to experience it.
I honestly believe that if I was never molested that I wouldn’t be gay, bisexual, or whatever label I put on myself today. That maybe I would have been this straight guy, living this straight life, with the perfect girlfriend. That I wouldn’t be so confused at times, but would I be happy. That’s a question I’ll never be able to answer, but I do know I’m happy with where my life is headed now. I’m glad I have been able to experience the love of both a guy and a girl, because love is something we should all experience at least once in our lives. It’s an amazing feeling and you feel larger than life, so if the only way for me to have experienced this twice then maybe the best thing was being molested.
But this is just the prelude, the heavy stuff will follow.
6 comments:
Survivors of molestation and rape often experience all sorts of issues in later years. All the other issues you mention will all conspire to erode your self-esteem and humanity, and one will inevitably find a coping mechanism or two. Perhaps sex is yours.
If you have a friend who is there, wise and experienced enough to be able to listen, that is great - but such a rare thing. If a counsellor is available that can give you some real help, then you should give it a go.
I never sought counselling - and perhaps I should have, though I don't think my own experience affected my sexuality, though it has affected the way I deal with people, and why I have never been able to fully trust anyone. That in itself is a loss, or perhaps something that was also stolen, along with my innocence.
Go see that counsellor - I doubt it will do any worse harm than you have already endured.
Peace. =]
yea, i dont fully trust anyone either
:(
Sounds terrible -- but you seem sorta strong, so... I'm sure you will be okay if you seek proper help (friends/family/professionals), unless, of course, you are an independent strong woman, then you'll be fine :)
You get spring break! Just kidding. I'm not really sure I understand the entire post or agree with it but it's not my life so does my opinion count ( I don't think you can blame liking boys on being molested). Lack of trust, daddy issues, mommy issues - yep. Being aware of the problem/issues is huge and if you are aware you can heal.
yes windy your opinion does count and i respect that, but i really believe if i was never molested then i would never have been attracted to boys. but i guess we'll never know for certain
You know J, you may be correct on that molestation and liking guys thing. It's possible on a genetics level, with something called "epigenetics."
Our genes react to the environment, and so the environment influences the behavior of many of our genes. It's possible that being molested "triggered" a chain of processes that allowed to like guys too, but it's just as possible that it did no such thing.
Science is not able to prove or disprove this yet. For the moment, while a single event may hold a huge amount of influence, it's rarely a sufficient cause by itself.
Sorry for throwing out biology and epidemiology terms on you. I'm just thinking of ways it might make rational sense. :)
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