I was just over at my favorite blog/secret crush page and I think it just vocalized all the angst and unspoken feelings I have inside of me. I go to this huge university, the biggest in Georgia, but I don't think anyone sees me. I walk past kids everyday and we just walk past each other. No one speaks we just keep walking.
Even the people I have friendships with don't truly know me, and I guess I can only blame myself for that. Because I won't let them get to see the real me, I can't. My biggest fear in life besides dying would have to be being naked. For someone to see through all the clothes, all the walls I put up, and to see at the core who I am.To see all my mistakes, all my scars, and all my insecurities that's just something I don't think I could handle.
I have trust issues, because the one time I let myself go it blew up in my face and I don't ever want that to happen. So how am I suppose to trust someone with the fact that I am bisexual. I don't even know how to tell someone that I'm bi. Do I just blatantly say that I like guys, but I also like girls. It seems it would be so much easier to just pick one, but I can't do that.
I'm just stuck in the middle.
Even the people I have friendships with don't truly know me, and I guess I can only blame myself for that. Because I won't let them get to see the real me, I can't. My biggest fear in life besides dying would have to be being naked. For someone to see through all the clothes, all the walls I put up, and to see at the core who I am.To see all my mistakes, all my scars, and all my insecurities that's just something I don't think I could handle.
I have trust issues, because the one time I let myself go it blew up in my face and I don't ever want that to happen. So how am I suppose to trust someone with the fact that I am bisexual. I don't even know how to tell someone that I'm bi. Do I just blatantly say that I like guys, but I also like girls. It seems it would be so much easier to just pick one, but I can't do that.
I'm just stuck in the middle.
2 comments:
We all began with nothing, sweetie - and to get where we are, we all took risks. Yours is but a special case.
You'll make a friend no doubt, but don't be afraid of revealing yourself; you will have to do that sooner or later in some relationship.
I know you're torn between the two sexes. Keep in mind that you can't have both!! Stick with what you're given, or at least learn from the experience... (I hope you're a monogamist!)
Just remember that you don't have to lose trust in people. You'll give it those deserving. When will the time be right? Unfortunately, I believe the onus is on you.
We may be strangers but this little glimpse into your life is certainly heart breaking. Your potential worries me, because you're on the fence, ready to fall either way.
I'd like to offer you a helping hand, whenever you need it. Just remember... If and when when you open yourself up again only to have it blow up in your face, realize that your suffering will transfer on to the next person in line. Your trust will be that much more harder to get...
Don't turn your life into a major drama series... Please. That's all I can say.
thanks for offering me some advice babycakes, i really appreciate it but im not as bad off as i think the post made me look. its true that i dont trust people, i let them in and when they reach a certain point i won't let them any closer. the one person that i let through is my best friend she knows my secret and i know hers, but we have this rollercoaster relationship which probably isn't helping me too much and i guess the other part of my trust issue comes from the fact that neither of my parents has really been there for me. my mom has her moments, but my dad is a marine man and that never helped.
buand yes i'm a big monogamy person if i had a boyfriend or girlfriend right now i think i earth
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