i wish i could say family was important to me. i envy those around me who are close with their families. its the one thing i would change about my life if i could. because the only person i would ever take a bullet for is my moms.
i have reoccurring dreams and thoughts about my moms dying. the same thing happens in everyone. my moms dies, i don't go to the funeral because i they scare me, i continue on with my daily life as if nothing has happened, and then one day it finally hits me. SHES GONE. i dread the day that this happens, because i know i won't be able to handle it. i hated my moms for so long that i'm trying to make up for it now.
i'm the middle of three boys. i'm 19, my oldest brother is 21, and my younger brother is 14. they're so alike that i can't help but be jealous of their bond. i've always felt like the odd man out in my family and being so quiet as a child didn't help. i also have two other siblings that i've never met. my sister's name is brandy and she's ten, and then i have an even younger brother. i don't know his name. i don't know his age. and i shouldn't even know he exists, but i do. i still haven't figured out how i wanna feel towards them. its complicated.
my oldest brother knows i'm bisexual. i've never told him. he's never told me. but he knows, and i know he knows, yet we've never taked about this and because of that there's always an elephant in the room when we're around each other. and because of this elephant we haven't had a conversation more than five minutes since i was fourteen. and i'm just starting to realise that i do care that we haven't. i miss my older brother. i miss building forts together. i miss playing freeze tag. i even miss dressing up like each other and everyone thinking we're twins. i miss the good times.
but i don't miss my dad. since i was old enough to realize that my dad sucks at being a father i've promised myself that i would never end up like him. i didn't play sports. i didn't jrotc. and instead i did the opposite of what he wanted from me. from the age of 12 to 16 my whole life was devoted to becoming a disappointment to my father. don't ask me why i just didn't want to be anything like him. so everytime someone said i looked like my father it hurt, i din't wanna look like him, i didn't wanna be compared to him. i just feel like i missed out on something because he was never there for me when i needed him. i taught myself how to ride a bike. i taught myself how to drive a car. i taught myself how to tie a tie. and i still don't know what the big deal is with the birds and the bees. i just wish he was there......but he wasn't.
currently listening to: A Capella(Something's Missing) by Brandy
26 May 2009
family
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4 comments:
We can't choose the family we're born into. But we can choose how we interact with those around us. I'm sorry that you don't feel closer to your family, but perhaps it's worth the effort to try if it means a lot to have that closeness.
a close friend and confidant once told me that I should try to accept my family but not embrace them - and then build a relationship from there ... tough post dude because I know some of where you are coming from
My relationship with my older brother is similar in some ways. He was nearly two years and five months before me. (The younger brother is seven years and almost eight months younger than me.)
When I was a boy I practically worshipped my older brother. I was delighted to get hand-me-down clothing because it had been his. But he had friends his own age and I had friends my age, so we were not constant companions. He went to public schools, but a parochial school opened, and I attended it from second through eighth grade. In high school I was two years behind him, and I joined many of the activities he was in. At some point, however, (I think it may have been when I joined the school paper in my sophomore year) he told me to "stop following [him] around." That hurt a lot, and when I decided to go to a different university from the one he was going to, I mentioned to him that I wouldn't be following him around any more. When he completed his education, he moved to Boston because he did not want to spend time commuting to work. I continued to live in our suburb.
For over thirty years we saw each other on summer weekends, when he visited and on major holidays, when the family got together. Eventually my mother, after 20 years as a widow, began to fail and asked him to take over her finances (he's much more organized than I am, so it was the right choice). At that point, over ten years ago, he started coming here for weekends and once in the middle of the week. I realized at some point that I have nothing to say to him. Mom died five years ago and the weekend and mid-week visits continue. I think that he wants to be in contact with me, although there are other things he's involved him that are sufficient reason for him to be here.
I wish I felt close to him. I wish I could talk to him. But the most conversation is during our other brother's weekly call from Japan. Once in a while there is something to talk about, but way too little. And as with you, I think a big reason is that my orientation must not be mentioned, even though he was told forty years ago.
I hope you'll find a way to reconnect with your brother before the gap becomes too much of a barrier. If you've got to acknowledge the elephant, do it. Don't let it be a permanent barrier. Tell your brother that there's this elephant that has to be sent out of the room.
This seems to be classic 'middle son' syndrome, although yours does seem to be aggravated by a lot of other 'baggage'.
As my mother is consumed by alzheimer's disease, and is such a long way away, I am having to consider what I should do, before her mind completely leaves her body. I will let you know what my conclusion is, when I have worked it out.
G =]
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