am i ready

i don't think i'm ready. i don't think i'll ever be ready to just pick up and move. i say otis is the reason i'm trying my hardest to get to cali, but its not. otis is just an excuse to finally leave georgia sooner, rather than later. cali is an escape for me, a way out. but i still don't think its gonna happen. i feel like something is gonna happen and i'll be stuck in georgia for another three years, and in a way i think i would be okay with that. maybe i'm over thinking it, maybe i'm just too pessimistic, or maybe i just don't have faith that if i want soomething bad enough it will all work out in the end.....right?

i still haven't withdrawn from uga, i still haven't canceled my housing contract, and i registered for all my classes for the fall. just incase life wants to fuck me in the ass again.

i'm okay with being content. i'm content with where i am right now. i have great friends in athens, and few who don't live in athens. so why give all that up on the faith that i'm gonna have this crazy, fun, life changing experience in cali when there's nothing wrong with where i'm at now. am i happy? sometimes i am, but mostly i'm just content. i'm okay with settling for less, that doesn't bother me even though it should. people say they deserve things. i say i deserve things, but the reality is we don 't. I DON'T. i only deserve what i work my ass off to attain, so what happens when i do that and i still don't attain it?

was i foolish for thinking it was even possible? should i have worked harder that one day when i decided to sleep in? but what if i did my best every fucking second of the day, and i still didn't get it, what then?

people say its better to have loved, than to never have loved at all, but is that really true. i've loved before and it feels great to feel loved. to feel wanted. to feel needed, but when all that disappears it fuckin sucks. you feel like shit. you lose all motivation. you feel like a part of you has died. and everyone around you tells you to get over it and to move on. well this is how i feel everytime i set a goal for myself or i ask for something as simple as a lava lamp and i fail to reach my goal or i don't receive that lava lamp. and at some point i just decided to stop trying. i lost motivation. i was just...meh, and i don't want to be meh anymore. meh really sucks when you're alone aand you have an overactive imagination that gets bursts of creativity late at night and you don't sleep.

i want to feel ALIVE again. and there are three things that make me feel ALIVE. one. two. three. and at the moment i only have one.

currently listening to: How to Be A Lady, Vol. I by Electrik Red