It happens every time when I see him. He makes me so nervous and insecure. The sight of him gives me so many emotions: mostly sadness, but a little bit of hope as well.
If you've been following my blog then you know my best friend is call.the.shots, and you also know that those above words are not mine but his. Its him talking about MSAJ, or the guy he's crushing on hard. Well I actually had a great conversation with MSAJ, but I'm not gonna blog about it. We'll see if call.the.shots does and if he doesn't then I will. This post is actually about the asian guy in my life and how those above words that shots so poetically typed relate to my life.
It happens everytime when I see him. He makes me feel like a little kid and my insides starts to do tricks. The sight of him sends me so many emotions: mostly confusion, but maybe even a little love and a lot of happiness. I get confused because I don't know what to do with these feelings. I've never felt this way about a guy before and I just make myself so sick sometime when I think about how great we could be together, but I know it will never happen. He has a boyfriend and so do I.
So this is my dilemma.
A friend asked me this weekend which one I like more. Was it Al or was it A. Its a very complicated question, but I gave him what I felt was an honest answer and it went something like this. I like them both, but in different ways. Al is someone I liked from the first time I saw him, and thats why I sat by him in class. There's just something about him that I can't describe, but I'm attracted to it. I don't even want to have sex with him, which is huge for me, I just want to hold him and make out for hours. I mean my feelings for him are really intense and sometime they just get to me.
While A on the other hand is completely different. Maybe its the fact that we have this underlying friendship as a base or the fact that I've been fucking him longer than anybody else. Either way we just have this connection that doesn't go away. How else do you explain the fact that our friendship basically deteriated into a "friends with benefits" relationship without us being friends in high school, to us not talking for 8 months, to us getting together one February weekend and me just falling so hard for this guy and asking him to be my boyfriend. I mean stuff like this doesn't happen everyday, and it never happens to me. So there has to be a reason for this, right?
I've never pictured myself marrying a guy, but I can see that with A. He's just someone I feel I would be happy to grow old with, but no matter these feelings if Al was to come up to me today and tell me he wants to be with me or just wants to make out, I have to be honest and say I would. But that doesn't change my feelings for A. Its just really complicated, but its so simple.
A great man once told me that just because you start dating someone doesn't mean your feelings for others disappear. We're human and we don't just stop finding people attractive. That guy is right and I shouldn't feel bad about my feelings, but sometimes I do. I love A and I hope we stay together for a long time. But sometimes I wonder...
currently listening to: Drake-So Far Gone mixtape
If you've been following my blog then you know my best friend is call.the.shots, and you also know that those above words are not mine but his. Its him talking about MSAJ, or the guy he's crushing on hard. Well I actually had a great conversation with MSAJ, but I'm not gonna blog about it. We'll see if call.the.shots does and if he doesn't then I will. This post is actually about the asian guy in my life and how those above words that shots so poetically typed relate to my life.
It happens everytime when I see him. He makes me feel like a little kid and my insides starts to do tricks. The sight of him sends me so many emotions: mostly confusion, but maybe even a little love and a lot of happiness. I get confused because I don't know what to do with these feelings. I've never felt this way about a guy before and I just make myself so sick sometime when I think about how great we could be together, but I know it will never happen. He has a boyfriend and so do I.
So this is my dilemma.
A friend asked me this weekend which one I like more. Was it Al or was it A. Its a very complicated question, but I gave him what I felt was an honest answer and it went something like this. I like them both, but in different ways. Al is someone I liked from the first time I saw him, and thats why I sat by him in class. There's just something about him that I can't describe, but I'm attracted to it. I don't even want to have sex with him, which is huge for me, I just want to hold him and make out for hours. I mean my feelings for him are really intense and sometime they just get to me.
While A on the other hand is completely different. Maybe its the fact that we have this underlying friendship as a base or the fact that I've been fucking him longer than anybody else. Either way we just have this connection that doesn't go away. How else do you explain the fact that our friendship basically deteriated into a "friends with benefits" relationship without us being friends in high school, to us not talking for 8 months, to us getting together one February weekend and me just falling so hard for this guy and asking him to be my boyfriend. I mean stuff like this doesn't happen everyday, and it never happens to me. So there has to be a reason for this, right?
I've never pictured myself marrying a guy, but I can see that with A. He's just someone I feel I would be happy to grow old with, but no matter these feelings if Al was to come up to me today and tell me he wants to be with me or just wants to make out, I have to be honest and say I would. But that doesn't change my feelings for A. Its just really complicated, but its so simple.
A great man once told me that just because you start dating someone doesn't mean your feelings for others disappear. We're human and we don't just stop finding people attractive. That guy is right and I shouldn't feel bad about my feelings, but sometimes I do. I love A and I hope we stay together for a long time. But sometimes I wonder...
currently listening to: Drake-So Far Gone mixtape
4 comments:
That's life man.
yep. glad that bloggers like us became quite good friends. still jealous though that MSAJ decided to talk to you more that night than me. but i guess i understand why. oh, and u can blog about it if u want, im not gonna blog about it.
You wrote my comment in the last paragraph!
Nice shiny template, btw - and i love the rainbow =]
i didnt even notice the rainbow, i might have to change that. i really hate rainbows.
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