back in athens

• one bi guy in athletic shorts
• a roomie in his underwear
• a bi guys boner
  
• and a roomie unpacking

add all of this together and you get an uncomfortable situation for me. why did he have to get so hot over the break?

shiny toy guns

If one thing has came out of me and my roommates non-existant relationship it would have to be Shiny Toy Guns. He introduced me to the group, but I never listened to their album until an hour agao and I instantly fell in love with them. Its something I would never go out and buy, but I may have to now. Their two albums are great and are full on gems I encourage everyone to take a listen.

And in honor of this new discovery I decided to share what is currently on my iPod at the moment. All 218 albums in their glorey. The 12 discs at the bottom are for my history of rock class I'm taking and the music on it ranges from Muddy Waters to the Beatles to Run DMC to Nirvana to the Who. So if you see any music that I don't have, but should please leave a comment and give me a heads up.

r.i.p.

It finally happened. After all these years of being the dark crusader he finally dies. Or should I say he's finally murdered. Sad, sad day in the DC world. Though I'm not a big fan of anything DC does Batman and the Green Lantern have always had a special place in my heart along with the Teen Titans and Static Shock cartoons.

The best thing to come out of this would be the new Batman being a woman, highly unlikely, but if the new Black Panther can be a woman then why not batman?

srry

I'm sorry but I have to post this last performance, because she was "on" the other performances were good, but this is the best one. I feel like a child on christmas day. Only two more days until she performs this and much more on GMA.

all hail the tech

I just have to take a study break, after receiving some bad news. We lost to Georgia Tech today and this just solidified my thoughts. Georgia sucks, we really do. We went from being the preseason #1 to just sucking. It was downhill from the Alabama game, but even the games before that weren't blow outs could never understand why our game against Georgia Southern was as close as it was.

So yea, Georgia sucks and I really think I'm owed money for investing all my time into Georgia football. This is why I don't do sports, because my team never wins. The only upside to this situation is atleast my high school is on its way to going to the Dome for the first time since 2002 I think. So hopefully in two weeks I'll be in the A watching them when their first State Title since 1948.

procrastination

Is my biggest vice. I just always put things off. I find the best way for me to study is to lock myself in my bathroom and lay in my tub. Its the only place I can really concentrate, so maybe that's where I'll be for the next few hours doing the said work.

• 5 page essay entitled Seattle: the Making of a Kyoto Revolution
• Study guide for US History final
• Splinterbelly flyer
• Portuguese project, consisting of 3 posters and a travel guide
• Downloading music and movies
• Nap time

love is a losing game

numb

I'm feeling really numb right now, but there's no reason to feel like this. I feel overly exposed, naked, and vulnerable all things that I'm not comfortable with. I wish I could just go into a dark room, crawl into the fetal position, cut on some of britney's moodier work (blur, shattered glass, everytime, unusual you) and just let all the emotions and tears overtake me, but I can't.

I have to put on my strong face and lie some more to myself and the rest of the world. Right now I should be the happiest kid in the world. Thanksgiving break is actually going well for the first time in my life, Black Friday was a success even though I didn't get my external hard drive I got everything else, and I didn't spend a dime. Except for the seven dollars on the chinese food yet at this moment my body is numb because I have a problem and I guess the first step to recovery is acceptance.

I just want to say thank you to Jay, he has a great blog and he helped me realize that I'm not the only person in this world that has been victimized as a child. I guess my problem is I never let myself feel like a victim, I've never fully dealt with all the emotional scars that were left and now I'm reaping the after effects. But I'm sorry for being so down today so here's a blog that I wrote, but never posted about my friend D. Hopefully you find it funny.

*************************************************

No matter how racist she is, and no matter how much we didn't get along in high school she is always there to pick me up. Whether she knows it or not, she's the light at the end of the tunnel and the driving force behind me right now. I haven't done my best this first semester in college and I'll be lucky if I only make one C, but she's helped me sort out my priorities and understand whats really important to me right now, and at this moment my first semester is not at the top of the list. I will study my ass off over the break and go hard on my finals, but if all else fails I'm gonna chalk this first semester up to experience and call it a wash because none of the classes reflected what I want to become.

I want to be an artist. I want to be a graphic designer. I want to be a screenwriter, director, the next big thing, but the only way to do that is by reaching out to touch the sky. Putting my self out on that ledge and believing that I'm not gonna fall, that I will live to do it again the next day, and thats why I'm so excited for next semester. I start my art classes then and hopefully I'll be able to learn some new things and actually want to get up in the morning. So I leave you all with this, a picture of my self that my friend D drew of me.
I told yal she was racist, because for some reason everytime she draws me I look like a monkey boy.

happy thanksgiving pt. 3

Okay this is going to be my last what I'm thankful for post, but please don't get me confused as someone who's not thankful for his family and friends cause I am. These are just off the wall things that I just realized that I'm thankful for. And I just realized that I'm thankful for the word "realized" because if there was a drinking game for everytime I used the word "realized" in some shape or form a lot of people would be drunk right now. But that's besides the point back to Karrine.

I am thankful for Cal State Northridge University for having Karrine Steffans come give a speech at their university, because I really never appreciated my University until now. SO I leave you all with the best quotes from the unquotable Karrine "Superhead" Steffans.

"I got more stuff than I need. I'll be alright in my one bedroom apartment,......with my foodstamps."

"Be careful what you ask for, because you might FUCK AROUND and just get it."

and

"I just want people to go get their education. Men you can't rap. Stop tryin to be rappers."

Maybe that's why I'm biseual now, because I never wanted to be a rapper I just wanted to be someone who could sit at home all day and paint the world with his 24 pack of crayolas.

haircut

This is basically a piture of my first real man crush. They're was just something about his eyes that drew me to him and then he had the curly hair. The funny thing is I met him once on some math competition that I got chosen to do and the next ting I know my friend wanted me to hook them up, luckily she fell for my white brother.

Well the next year I was lucky enough to have a class with him and we actually became close. He was easy to talk to, mainly because he never talked, but when he did it was more of a whisper so you had to get close to him to hear. He even took me home a couple of times.

But he is the one guy that if I had to be with for the rest of my life I would probably choose him. Unfortunately he's straight as far as I know, but in the back of my mind I feel like he wants me just as much as I want him. Maybe its the fact that he was always touching on me. Maybe its the fact that he would hold my hands and rub on my legs under the tables and desks in class. Or maybe its the fact that he told me that we were going to run away together one day. Who really knows?

But the reason for the picture is he sent me a text and this picture of his new haircut. It shocked the hell out of me because he cut his hair, but he still looks as sexy as ever to me and now I can see his eyes a mile away so I guess it was for the best and this made me go finally get a haircut and a shave. But here is our short conversation that just had me laughing and smiling throughout the day.

Me: Can't wear skinny jeans, cause my knots don't fit.
T: My mom wants some skinny jeans. Happy thanksgiving. Wish you would have cam home. *sad face.

happy thanksgiving pt. 2

SL Tyra
Uploaded by kitgirl

I am thankful for Tyra, fore without her Be would have never given me what I've always wanted. The best live performance of Single Ladies, and to think it only took two men to do just that.

rogue

Just a beautiful cover I felt the need to share. Really like how its swiitches between Rogue's two costumes.

happy thanksgiving

I'm thankful for Britney.

young x-men

I didn't want to bog the blog down with another personal post, so I decided to share with you all another one of my loves. Over the summer I recently discovered that I really like comics. A friend of mine introduced me to the Runaways series and it instantly meshed with where I was in life.

The next step for me was obviously X-men. I loved all the movies, all the cartoon shows, so I felt it was time I head to the source material. So far they've all been good and I fell in love with the New X-Men update that they had been doing, but eventually it was cancelled and they created a new series called the Young X-Men for whatever reasons.

The series started off rough. I couldn't really get through most of the issues, but I wanted to get through the first four for the simple fact it still involved one of my favorite new mutants Dust. Well I'm glad I stuck with it, because it has completely turned around with the seventh issue. To find out that one of them isn't a mutant and one is dying just completely blew my mind. I'm really looking forward to where it all goes now.

home 4 the holidays

I'm finally home for the holidays after driving four hours to Savannah and it feels weird. I miss my dorm room, but more importantly I miss my real home where all of my friends are right now. But I don't have a reliable internet connection here, so I'll post when I can.

Hope everyone has a great holiday.

uh oh, pt. 2

A couple of days I go I said that I knew I was gonna do something bad in a couple of hours. Turns out I'm not as weak as I thought. I've been alone in my dorm since Friday and when I'm bored my mind quickly thinks about sex. Well I've had a crush on this one guy in my portuguese class for a while. Luckily we chose each other to be partners for our oral quiz.

So the plan for Sunday night was to just go over what we were going to say in our quiz, but his roommate which just so happened to be the guy I hooked up with the previous week texted me that he may want to do more. After getting over the initial shock that the one guy I had sex with is the roommate of the one guy I had a crush on was just fuckin' with my mind frame.

It just blew my mind, because we'd talked about his girlfriend before in class on several occasions, but I didn't let that get me down. I was all amped to finally see if I could close the deal on my crush, but with most guys they say stupid shit and it was down hill from there. This is basically what happened.

Dummy: So I heard about you and my roommate.
Me: Wow, so I'm guessin he told you.
Dummy: Yea, I mean when you gotta have it you just gotta have it.
Me: Yea, if you say so. Is this gonna be a problem between us. The fact that I may sleep with boys.
Dummy: No, no I mean why should I have a problem it actually turned me on when he told me.
Me: (laughing out loud) You're kidding me right? Don't you have a girlfriend.
Dummy: Yea, but you know we've been together for two years. We're practically married and she's still a prude in bed. Lets just say I'm ready for new things.

And after that he leaned in and kissed me, and I think I was in heaven. If you've been following the blog then you know I've never kissed anyone in my life, so when he just leaned in and started kissing me my mind just went racing. I was just lost in the moment, all my senses were racing and it was just pure ecstasy.

We were going at it pretty hard and ended up rolling around on my twin sized bed. One things leads another and he's unbuttoning his pants and taking mine off. He basically has me begging for him to fuck me and then it happens.

Me: You got a condom.
Dummy: No, I actually just used the last one, but I got lube.

And he says it in this nonchalant way just full with arrogance like he knows either way he's about to get some. Lets just say our night didn't end so well. I was called all kinds of sluts, and hoes, and freaks before he left my room. So maybe the night didn't go how I wanted it too, but I'm proud of myself. No matter how good that felt nor how much I wanted it I stopped it before it was too late and I'm happy i did.

The night wasn't a total waste. I got my first real kiss from my first college crush and he said I was a great kisser for someone who had never been kissed, and I have the battle wounds to prove it.Now does anyone know what I should do, don't want my mother asking me all these questions? And I kinda wanna know whats gonna happen between me and Dummy after this horrible night, I can't afford a F in portuguese, especially not in the last week of class.

I also need to shave.

for the record

You were thinking, where the fuck is inebriated when I need him the most. I'm really amped for this, and I love her Jayden and Preston necklace she was wearing in the studio. But I really feel that this is her time again, I mean did you see them crazy, sexy bed eyes she was makin in the circus video.

almost just died

I almost just died. I was walking back from the dining hall and there's this pedestrian crosswalk and all traffic is suppose to yield. So its raining, but being a country boy I love walking in the rain.

So I look to see any cars, none were close so I step out and BOOM. In my head I'm thinking

What the fuck. I'm just gonna let them hit me, I need some money. I'm broke and somebody has to buy my books for the next semester why not let it be them. Then something else told me jump back. You don't have insurance so whose gonna pay your hospital bills. Just jump back.

And thats what I did, I jumped back and avoided getting hit by this green car. I guess it was a great decision because the cops here suck. My friend got hit by car because a car ran a red light and hit him while he was on his bike. The bad thing is the cops report said there was no eye witnesses to this crime, and even though the car was in the wrong he's not liable to replace my friends bike or hospital bills.

What kind of shit is that.

K

K is a major part of my life, and a major part of this blog so I decided she deserved her own post. Hopefully she will never read this, or else she might kill me.

Me and K have known each other longer than we both know. Both of our moms went to school together so I guess there's some history there, but me and K didn't officially meet until grade 6. I like how grade 6 sounds over the sixth grade.

So I guess from that moment we met we just instantly clicked. We was this mean kid and I was just this passive aggressive guy that took all of her shit. But it worked for us, and it didn't hurt the fact that we took all the same classes. But in middle school it wouldn't matter as much as in high school, when high school came around we were always two of the only three black kids in our classes because we were on the honors track and not regular CP or TCP track.

So through all of this we bonded and I helped her grow and she helped me grow tremendously. I discovered that this mean girl persona she wore like a cape wasn't who she was. She was just this girl who was really troubled inside and had a lot of issues that she needed to deal with, but never got around to them and then I discovered that she would cut herself, just to watch herself bleed. This sad reality would come back to haunt us later in life.

Even with all of our personality cracks we just complimented each other well, and she is the first girl I can say I truly loved and the first girl that broke my heart. We dated in grade 8 for a couple of weeks, and then she abruptly broke it off. I still believe to this day she only did it to get back with her then love of her life, and ex boyfriend (because he broke up with his girlfriend a few days earlier) but this is something that to this day she denies with a passion.

After she ended it with me I was lost and confused and this is around the time that I started thinking that maybe life with girls isn't for me. This would also lead me down a path of rekindling a friendship I had long abandoned with this guy from my childhood and he would be the one that I would lose my virginity my freshman year of high school.

I would never say K made me gay, because as I know now the signs were always there she just gave me a slight nudge. After our breakup I not only lost the love of my adolescent life, but I also lost my best friend so I had to finally go off and forge my own direction and life and think about only me, for once.

Me and K would have a rocky relationship throughout grade 8 until sometime in freshman year, there would be days when we would just argue about stupid things and it just would get really bad. I don't know what brought us back together, but we ended up friends again, but things weren't the same.

Time would go by and it seemed that our feelings for each other were genuine but we would never become "official" again, there was always something or someone in our way, but we would still have those moments where we knew in the end it would come to a point where it would end up being me and K.

That day still hasn't come, but she seems to be more optimistic about it coming. I on the other hand have been casually drifting away from this idea of euphoria for a while, but in the back of my head I still believe that she's the one I want to die beside. She's the one I could spend the rest of my life with, because after six years of a revolving door of characters she's still here, and that has to mean something.

I mean she's even decided own our first borns name, its going to be Lo Delta [Stackhouse] okay not stackhouse but you get the picture. The only problem now is will this dream we've been holding on to ever become a reality. K believes so, but the twist is she's involved, in love, with some other K and no matter what happens she keeps going back to her. They've been through so much this year and they're still together so I'm relegated to the fact if K has to choose between me and her I really don't believe she'll choose me, which is why I won't give my whole self to her. I did it once and I was fastball special crushed.

So I guess thats me and K in a whole. Two bu kids in and out of love dealing with the world, college, and inner turmoil and hopefully in the end game we will both come out on top unscathed, and while I believe everything will work out in due time I fear she my have some emotional scars that not even wolverine could heal.

katy perry does single ladies

If ya like it... from Katy Perry on Vimeo.

Yea, Katy Perry is the shit. She's another one that if she was in the right place at the right time she could totally get the bizness. And I think I have a good shot, I mean if she can date that guy from Gym Class then I know she'd date an educated guy like myself. Right?

wtf

This is why I was always a fan of Britney, but atleast she didn't swagger jack GaGa. But maybe she should have. But my baby Be looked nice tonight.

so i creep

Yea I'm usually a two woman man, BritBrit and Be, but every now and again my eye tends to wander and i creep. This would have to be one of those times. Her name is Zoe something and I fell for her when I saw her in that M. Night Shamalama movie over the summer. Its just something about her eyes they draw me in every time.

Oh and that thing that I knew I shouldn't have done, but knew I probably would, and would probably regret it afterwords. Well it happened, and yea I feel like shit now, but more on that when I have a clearer mind in the morning.

uh oh

I think I'm about to do something bad in a couple of hours.

two

I really wanna become the greatest graphic designer in the world. That's my ultimate goal in life. To become the Picasso of graphic design, so here's the second part of my daily inspiration. Hopefully it will be more daily.

All of these covers to me are just beautiful. They all represent the old adage of KISS(keep it simple, stupid). Now the covers are great, but the album for me is just so, so at best. I like half the album, but the other half is just complete garbage to me.

I think he thought that he was doing something really great on this album, I'm sure he saw Wayne come out of nowhere and sale a million plus albums in a week, and was like I wanna do that too. But this album isn't the way to go.

Most of it is tolerable, but the only songs I can really get down with is "Streetlights" and "Coldest Winter" nothing else to me is up to par on the high quality music I'm use to coming from Mr.West. I mean his lable is called G.O.O.D., but this was just o.k.a.y. But maybe everyone else will like it, but I have to past on this one.

liz lemon on relationships

“I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.”

Don't we all Liz Lemon.

post secret

One of my favorite sites online is the post secret website, so I decided to use some of them and tell a couple of my secrets.

There were times in my life that I wished they did, but now that they are trying I try my hardest to pull away. I feel bad at times, but then I think about all the times I really needed them and they weren't there for me. But I will say I never cut myself, that was something I could never do. Plus I had two best friends that cut enough for the three of us that I didn't have to cut myself.

Okay I don't eat Fruity Pebbles, but I did steal some A1 sauce out of one of the dining halls today, but thats only cause I brought back two steaks to my dorm.

I have done this a couple of times when I was working at McDonald's, but I find myself doing this more often now with guys in my tennis class.

Yea, high school was tough and I made sure I was friends with the socially inept ones, but the weird thing about is my class as a whole came to the conclusion that the person most likely to bring a gun to school and shoot up everyone was not the weird kid that ate his own boogers or the crazy girl that was in love with an anime character. We all thought it would be the smartest guy in our grade, that was just too intelligent for his own good and had to make everyone feel inferior to him and his brain.

And wouldn't it just be my luck that this kid has had a personal vendetta against me since the second grade.

coming out, but staying in

I never got the chance to really explain what this blog is about, if I did I don't really remember so I guess this is my time to do that.

I'm currently a freshman in college and have been opened up to so many new experience, that I would never have gotten the chance to do if I would have stayed in my hometown like most of my classmates from high school.

So far life for me has been hard, but I never really understood why I am the way I am. I've always had this weird sexual tension with guys throughout my life. Its just always been there and I just thought it was normal. But I always quickly fall in love with various girls that remain constant in my life. And when I fall in love, I usually fall deep and hard its like an episode of the OC or One Tree Hill, its a beautiful spectacle to see.

So these conflicting emotions have always plagued my life, but I started to realize in high school just why this was.

Between the ages of three and four I was molested by my babysitters 16 year old son. I can remember the things that we would do, luckily no anal sex was involved. But when I was that age I couldn't really understand what was exactly happening to me, and I still don't understand why no one ever knew, because it would just happen in random places. I mean it even happened outside on their trampoline and even in their living room. How come no one saw this?

But in the back of my mind now, I really believe that his mom knew, because they just upped and moved to Atlanta one month and that was the end of them. SO I grew up thinking that what we were doing was okay, I didn't know what was happening but I never felt that it was wrong.

Fast forward a year and I kissed my first girl. Her name was winter, and she was my kindergarten crush and she stayed down the road from me in a pink house, and has luck would have it sh ended up moving away and didn't come back until the second grade, but then I had to leave and I haven't seen her since.

Around that same time I can vaguely remember being at some summer camp and me and this guy got off the bus and went into a bathroom stall and just started going at it. No sex, but it was some dry humping and sucking. And for some reason this pattern continued throughout my life. I would fall for a girl, we would date but for some reason I would end up dry humping these random guys and in my mind my world was okay. Until it finally happened and I had actual sex with a guy in high school. Then the thought crossed my mind that maybe I'm gay. Maybe I was meant to be with guys and not girls.

But of course I would then go fall in love with one of my friends, and would even manage to lose my virginity again, this time with a girl, and I'm like I'm straight. So this pattern would continue own until I finally realized why I'm so fucked up in the head, when all the images of me being molested comes rushing back when I meet the guy who stole my innocence away from me which has led me to start this blog.

I don't ever want to forget what happened to me, and this blog is going to track my journey to self-discovery. And maybe one day I can look back at this and realize that my life wasn't so fucked up.

t.o.n.y. files pt. 1

After watching the Solange video it gave me the idea to write about my sexual encounters I've had. I can't remember if I've already posted about my first one night stand, but I guess now would be the perfect time if ever.

Okay basically it was a Tuesday night and I was bored as hell, and I met this guy earlier in the semester in one of my classes. We never really talked just made googly eyes whenever the class became overcome with boredom.

So I was online and he started IMing me and one thing led to another and next thing you know he's outside my dorm picking me up. SO its a Tuesday night so I didn't really think anything was really going to happen, but we eventually ended up going to a bar downtown, which really surprised me.

Because where I'm from people don't really go out during the week. If we go out it will be the weekend and then thats when everyone gets drunk. So we're at this bar and I'm underage so I can't really have alcohol. Not that I care because I hate drinking anyway. But he ends up buying me some drinks and we go outside to talk.

Well one thing leads to another and we end up in the bathroom of the bar. The guy was cute, and I've always said that if I could only be with one type of guy it would have to be a Mexican guy, its just something about them that I'm attracted to. I guess its the same way with white girls, and girls with pink or purple hair. Fetish anyone?

Well we end up in the bathroom and giving each other head. This is my first sexual experience with another guy, besides the one guy I was with throughout high school and the sex I did have with girls was never this crazy. But to top it all off he's uncut and that was new for me. So he ends up cumming on me while we're in the bathroom and that was that. After we left the bar we went to some pizza restaurant where we met up with some of his friends and just hung out for a while.

So we leave the pizza place and he's taking me home, feeling me up while he's driving. He unzips his pants and motions for me to start sucking his dick. I oblige, because he just bought me dinner and he took me out for the night and I guess you could even say I'm a little tipsy. SO it wasn't a big deal, I mean everyone gives head in a moving car right?

So onee things leads to another and we end up at some apartment buildings, half of them empty the other half with people living in. We tried to go in the empty ones but all the doors were locked so hence my first sexual experience outside under the moon and the stars.

I've tried my hardest to spin this into something overtly romantic, but there was basically nothing romantic about it. He threw me against the wall unzipped his pants and we went at it. Then we switched positions, he threw me on the concrete, pulled my legs over his shoulders and finished me off. Afterwards we left and I stumbled back in my dorm room to wake up the next morning in a haze.

So yea, thats my first sexual experience here in Athens, and my first drunken one night stand. I haven't talked to him since, but I wouldn't mind doing it again. No matter how much my K calls me a slut, all the things she does, she's the last one to cast guilt. Hell I'm in college, I'm trying to figure out just exactly what my sexual orientation is, and I can't do that without having relations with both of the sexes. And the sex was good, so I'm not complaining.

but he wasn't just some regular guy

Just wanted to post this video. I've been Solange fan since the beginning. I still remember buying her first cd. I had $20 and when you're 12 thats a whole lot of money. So I was walking around the walmart looking for something to spend it on and there was her first cd, looking lonely. So I picked it up and it was a great 4.99 spent. It had around 19 tracks and the first single was actually a good song.

But her newest cd is a great album, and this is one of my favorite tracks. Probably for the fact that TONY stands for The Other Night Y? something that we can all relate to. I mean I recently experienced my first drunken, hazy one night stand and yea my best friend called me a slut for it, but I think everyone deserves a freebie and thats why I don't drink, that and the fact I'm underage but mainly because when I drink nothing good ever comes from it.

But back to the point, the video is good but it leaves me wondering if her ex-husband was just some drunken one night stand? And if he was then why go get married, either way I'm sure he was taken well cared of after the divorce.

counting down the days

I can't wait I only have six more days and my life with Portuguese is over. It's been a hard semester, but luckily I pulled my shit together and should come out with a solid B. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that me and foreign languages just don't get alone.

After not learning anything from two years of Spanish I should have known Portuguese would be more of the same, but I wanted to at least give it a shot. I met a lot of cool people, some more so than other so I'm glad I took the class, but I also learned that I'm a visual learner.

And you can't be a visual learner in foreign language classes, it just nothing to visualise. I will say conjugating verbs is something I can do all day because I can visualise where the endings are. Its hard to describe but so far that has been my saving grace in Portuguese.

life sucks again

Okay I just need somewhere to rant for a second. I think I deserve a lot of things in life. I usually don't get any of those things. I never get the girl. I never get the book. Hell, I never get the guy either, but once I did get the car. I got the car after making it from the bottom of my class all the way to number three. My number two spot was stolen, but thats a whole new story for a different day.

I got the car, it was a graduation present. A present that I got for always making A's and for being an honor graduate and for getting into the best college in the state of Georgia, sorry Tech its UGA all the way. But yea I had this car for one month, just one month. I had all the freedom in the world and then suddenly it was gone. Walked outside one cold night, looked through the parking lot for a good fifteen minutes.

The cops stopped me and my friend, we told them what was happening and they made a few calls. The inevitable had occurred, the car was repossessed. I should've seen it coming, but once again I resorted back to the naive boy of my youth. I let my guard down and saw the world through rose colored glasses and thought maybe my life was changing, but I know better now.

It was just to good to last.

sup foo

I've always had a problem with starting something and completely finishing it. This week has not been any different. First I missed the deadline to become an exec at the campus radio station. I'm okay with that, there's always next year and I'm not sure if I plan on staying at UGA anyway.

Also yearbook in college is a lot worst than it was in high school. Maybe because now, there's not a teacher there telling you that if you dont do these pages you're going to fail the class. Who knows, but yearbook sucks.

Then I had this grand idea, or stole this grand idea of posting a new picture from my life everyday. Well that lasted for a week, so I'm going to change it around and do a new photo from my life every week. That seems like something I can do, I hope so.

one year

I got this idea for posting these pics, so we'll see how it goes. But I finally broke down and got some official UGA swag, but get this. Its not just any swag its sherpa. Yea, say it with me s-h-e-r-p-a. I may not know exactly what sherpa is, but I have a sherpa jacket and thats all that matters.

life is good

I don’t know if I’m really feeling this blog. I feel like I’m talking to myself and don’t like that feeling. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Who really knows. But lately I’ve actually been designing some things which is always great.

I actually got comssioned to do some promotional artwork for a local band. You like how I used “commisioned” and “promotioonal artwork” in one sentence. I do to, because in reality it really means that I found a craigslist ad and thought it was a great opportunity to start building my portfolio.

Maybe I’ll start posting some of my artwork soon.

brit/bey

Just had to throw my two main ladies up, its getting closer til’ they lock the game down. Beyonce next week and britney in three weeks.

i am music

I wonder what he’ll look like when he’s old. I do like the I AM MUSIC tattoo though, maybe i’ll get me one that says I AM and just figure out the rest when i discover what I AM, or maybe just leave it that because I have moments when my ego takes over and I realize that I AM, and just feel in the rest and thats what I AM.

Contact Me

Love to hear from anyone that reads the blog, and with my iffy sleep schedule I can usually be found on MSN 24 hours a day.

email & MSN
southern.inebriation@live.com

About J

I started this blog as a way to write down all the emoyions I was feeling, and maybe to escape from them. Life was a bunch of meh, and things were not going my way. I felt trapped, and the fact that I couldn't tell anyone that I had a tendency to sleep with not only just women, but also men, began eating away at me. The lies began building up, and my reality was slowly fading. I was losing who I was to all the lies I was forced to tell. So I began writing this blog, and I'm glad I did. It truly saved my life, and introduced me to a bunch of great people I would have never known without it.

About Me

• just a small town boy, dreaming of the big city life.
• 19
• black
• college student
• loves to draw
• loves to write
• loves to blog
• music is my escape
• cant swim
• wants to become a director, screen writer, and graphic designer
  

Important People

In life we come across many people, but only a select few get a chance to make an impact on our lives. These are the people who have helped shape me into the man I am becoming now.

K
The first love of my life. We're no longer together, but I will forever and always love this girl. There's just something special about her, whether she knows it or not. She's also my best friend for life. I love this girl, but I fuckin' hate her guts.

Shots
I've never met this guy in life, but from our conversations and internet chats he's truly something special. I've told him things that I've never told anybody in my life. If I had to say one person knows me, I think he knows me better than most.

Al
My first boy crush in a while. He was a fellow art student, and a great guy. I truly felt I was falling in love with him, but he had a boyfriend so we're just friends.

Lush
Former high school enemy, but turned out to be a great friend. She's one of the only people I make a point to talk to on a daily basis. She's up there with K, and as of late may be higher on my friend list. Only problem is she has a drinking problem, but I lover her anyway.

D
A high school buddy. Is more country than I am, but it looks good on her. Has an affinity for the nicer things in life, and is a great cook. Her only flaw is she's a little racist. But she has two black friends--me and K-- so she can make an argument that she's not racist.

Em
College buddy that I'm glad I met. She's from Canada, but grew up in the south. The only thing that kept me sane in drawing class, because we both sucked equally at drawing.

Posh
Another college art buddy. She's really something special. Obsessed with the spice girls, but she offered me a room at her house over the summer so she's good people.

Dummy
College Portuguese partner, and all around boy next door. Messed around a few time, but now I'm the best man for his fall wedding. Go figure.

IV
First best friend in life. Went to the same college, but lost contact. But when we get around each other its second grade all over.

Redcoat
A guy I thought would be my boyfriend, but life had a different plan. Now we don't even acknowledge each other.

Aek
A very scientific guy. Has helped me on more than one occasion in life, plus he's a future doctor which means he's at the top of my "wife me up list."

x!
Random ass guy. I plan to kidnap him from cow city and take him to Iowa to marry me against his will. I love this kid, too bad he doesn't love me back.

Other internet buddies, way to many to count so click here to find out about them.

mlb

I never knew that the Major League Baseball logo can be viewed as either a right-handed or left-handed player. 18 years, and my mind has just been blown away.

the queens are back in town

Something about this just feels right. I mean both of the queen B’s are back. Britney. Beyonce. I mean what more could you ask for as an end of the year gift.

breathing room

I did something I thought I never would. I told my best friend/ex-lover that I just may be gay, or bi atleast. Yea lets stick with bi, because at the moment thats just what I am. I still have dreams of having a fmily and getting married and I just don’t see myself marrying a guy, and the way its looking now even if I wanted to it might prove a little difficult if not impossible.

But yea, it was weird how it happened. Last week was one of the toughtest weeks I’ve ever had in my entire life and I would never want to relieve a moment of that week. I finally came face to face with the guy that molested me when I was younger. Yea I know, I was molested as a child and no one in my life knows about it. I didn’t realise what actually happened to me until my senior year in high school.

And thats when everything became clear (i started seeing leaves instead of green blots). It all made perfect sense. The sexual tension I had with several guys, why everytime I saw Robert Richard i got a boner, and why I felt a part of me missing. It was because of this guy who was fifteen at the time molested me, I was 3, and I had been scared for life.

But yea I met him on campus because he was a guest visitor at one of my organization meetings and bam my life comes crahing down, right then, right there. Long story short I told K, she bombarded me with questions and I think I’m going to be okay. Maybe now my life can have some sense of normalty.

Fuck that, normal is the watchword.

-jonnie darko

presidential

sad, sad day

Yea we lost to Florida in the game today. I literally couldn’t watch it after the second quarter so I turned and watched reruns of Real Chance at Love, and I’m glad I did because we got our asses whooped and then some.Can’t wait to see what the Red and Black has as their headline come Monday.

Wait, never mind they already have the headline up on their website. Gators Chomp Dogs. I guess I can live with that, something more creative would have been welcomed, but it is what it is.

Now the sad part of the day is, its daylight savings time again, and for the first time in my life I’m actually awake which is why I’m sad. I don’t want to relive 1 o’clock twice. SO mayve I should try and fall asleep in these two minutes before time falls back.

onmyradio

Beautiful album color, the best I’ve seen all year. Its just so simple, yet thats whats great about it. I really want to be a graphic design and this album cover inspires me so much. One of my favorite things is typography and the font on this cover is just crazy, beautiful. Just look at the "Q."

broken dreams

I’m sitting here watching the GA/FL game and I’ve come to the conclusion we’re probably going to lose. But more importantly I think I just broke my iPod. Sad, sad, day here in Athens.

i'm a georgia voter

I got up at two today to go vote. I had to walk a couple of blocks to the Classic Center, where I could early vote. And I must say they played some mind games with us.

I got there and all I saw was this short line, little did I know there was a rollercoaster of a line inside the buliding and it took me two hours before I got the chance to vote. But I waited, and met a couple of interesting people so it was worth it.

But the most exciting part came when I got my yellow card, stuck it in the machine and saw the candidates. And it was officially over, I felt like I actually made a difference and felt all warm inside. Now if only on Tuesday Georgia turns blue, then I will be complete.

ramblings

I’m lost right now. I’m really lost and I have no idea what to do. Its five in the morning and I’m sitting here picking at my brain. I’m confused. I have no idea what I want to do. Where to go, and I just feel lonely. My life is a waste is the only thing I can relate to now. It’s fall break and my only plan is to stay in my dorm and look at the wall. I can’t go home because I don’t have a home. I have nothing. All I have is myself and at this moment I don’t know if I can deal with that.

I thought I was okay, I really did. Everything has been going great these last couple of weeks and I really felt I was headed for another high point in my life, but suddenly that has all come crashing down.

I just finished watching Grey’s Anatomy episode “Life During Wartime” and I can only say that all the feelings in that episode are rushing through my head. The one scene that really got to me was when the blonde lady that sleeping with Torres tells her how she feels. How she can now see leaves that were once green blobs.

Well that was me two years ago. I lived eight years of my life basically blind. I couldn’t see a foot beyond my face. I never knew what most of my classmates looked like, until they came close to me. SO when I finally got glasses at 16 you could imagine how crazy it felt. The first thing I noticed were the leaves, and I spent that whole day outside just looking at the leaves, the clouds, the ladybug that was crawling in the grass.

All these things that people take for granted just awakened something inside of me and I never want to feel like I’m blind again. But I think I’m being blinded now and I hate that feeling. My life keeps changing and I don’t know if I can keep up. The one person I thought would always be there is no longer here. I haven’t talked to K in days. And when I do its like why do I even bother.

The one person I’ve really been keeping in contact with from high school is the last person I would have imagined. I mean we were cool, but right now she’s best friend material. And she keeps me laughing, she’s the one I text to pick me up. I mean she made a frankenstein cookie of me and sent me the picture. Do you realize how crazy I felt when I saw it. It just made my day.

And right now I’m not feeling so depressed anymore, I’m feeling better all by just thinking about her, lets call her D. But yea in high school she was just that kid who was spoiled, had everyone fooled about her not being white trash just because she carried these big ass pocketbook that could double as a suitcase. Plus she was a closet racist, yea whenever I would hug or touch her she would knock me off or be like I need to go bathe.

It was funny and that was her, and I excepted that and now I’m glad. So lets end on a high note. D, if you’re reading this (which I hope you never do) I’m glad you let me in your life and right now you’re my favorite white girl in the world. Higher than Britney.

signing off,

j. darko