ramblings

I’m lost right now. I’m really lost and I have no idea what to do. Its five in the morning and I’m sitting here picking at my brain. I’m confused. I have no idea what I want to do. Where to go, and I just feel lonely. My life is a waste is the only thing I can relate to now. It’s fall break and my only plan is to stay in my dorm and look at the wall. I can’t go home because I don’t have a home. I have nothing. All I have is myself and at this moment I don’t know if I can deal with that.

I thought I was okay, I really did. Everything has been going great these last couple of weeks and I really felt I was headed for another high point in my life, but suddenly that has all come crashing down.

I just finished watching Grey’s Anatomy episode “Life During Wartime” and I can only say that all the feelings in that episode are rushing through my head. The one scene that really got to me was when the blonde lady that sleeping with Torres tells her how she feels. How she can now see leaves that were once green blobs.

Well that was me two years ago. I lived eight years of my life basically blind. I couldn’t see a foot beyond my face. I never knew what most of my classmates looked like, until they came close to me. SO when I finally got glasses at 16 you could imagine how crazy it felt. The first thing I noticed were the leaves, and I spent that whole day outside just looking at the leaves, the clouds, the ladybug that was crawling in the grass.

All these things that people take for granted just awakened something inside of me and I never want to feel like I’m blind again. But I think I’m being blinded now and I hate that feeling. My life keeps changing and I don’t know if I can keep up. The one person I thought would always be there is no longer here. I haven’t talked to K in days. And when I do its like why do I even bother.

The one person I’ve really been keeping in contact with from high school is the last person I would have imagined. I mean we were cool, but right now she’s best friend material. And she keeps me laughing, she’s the one I text to pick me up. I mean she made a frankenstein cookie of me and sent me the picture. Do you realize how crazy I felt when I saw it. It just made my day.

And right now I’m not feeling so depressed anymore, I’m feeling better all by just thinking about her, lets call her D. But yea in high school she was just that kid who was spoiled, had everyone fooled about her not being white trash just because she carried these big ass pocketbook that could double as a suitcase. Plus she was a closet racist, yea whenever I would hug or touch her she would knock me off or be like I need to go bathe.

It was funny and that was her, and I excepted that and now I’m glad. So lets end on a high note. D, if you’re reading this (which I hope you never do) I’m glad you let me in your life and right now you’re my favorite white girl in the world. Higher than Britney.

signing off,

j. darko