coming out, but staying in

I never got the chance to really explain what this blog is about, if I did I don't really remember so I guess this is my time to do that.

I'm currently a freshman in college and have been opened up to so many new experience, that I would never have gotten the chance to do if I would have stayed in my hometown like most of my classmates from high school.

So far life for me has been hard, but I never really understood why I am the way I am. I've always had this weird sexual tension with guys throughout my life. Its just always been there and I just thought it was normal. But I always quickly fall in love with various girls that remain constant in my life. And when I fall in love, I usually fall deep and hard its like an episode of the OC or One Tree Hill, its a beautiful spectacle to see.

So these conflicting emotions have always plagued my life, but I started to realize in high school just why this was.

Between the ages of three and four I was molested by my babysitters 16 year old son. I can remember the things that we would do, luckily no anal sex was involved. But when I was that age I couldn't really understand what was exactly happening to me, and I still don't understand why no one ever knew, because it would just happen in random places. I mean it even happened outside on their trampoline and even in their living room. How come no one saw this?

But in the back of my mind now, I really believe that his mom knew, because they just upped and moved to Atlanta one month and that was the end of them. SO I grew up thinking that what we were doing was okay, I didn't know what was happening but I never felt that it was wrong.

Fast forward a year and I kissed my first girl. Her name was winter, and she was my kindergarten crush and she stayed down the road from me in a pink house, and has luck would have it sh ended up moving away and didn't come back until the second grade, but then I had to leave and I haven't seen her since.

Around that same time I can vaguely remember being at some summer camp and me and this guy got off the bus and went into a bathroom stall and just started going at it. No sex, but it was some dry humping and sucking. And for some reason this pattern continued throughout my life. I would fall for a girl, we would date but for some reason I would end up dry humping these random guys and in my mind my world was okay. Until it finally happened and I had actual sex with a guy in high school. Then the thought crossed my mind that maybe I'm gay. Maybe I was meant to be with guys and not girls.

But of course I would then go fall in love with one of my friends, and would even manage to lose my virginity again, this time with a girl, and I'm like I'm straight. So this pattern would continue own until I finally realized why I'm so fucked up in the head, when all the images of me being molested comes rushing back when I meet the guy who stole my innocence away from me which has led me to start this blog.

I don't ever want to forget what happened to me, and this blog is going to track my journey to self-discovery. And maybe one day I can look back at this and realize that my life wasn't so fucked up.