if you like it, then you should've put a ring on it

Today was a good day. Actually today was a great day and to put it any other way would be an understatement. Not much happened in my life, but there were a few interesting things that did happen.

One. I found a girl that I wouldn't mind fucking and she was only one desk away from me in my english class. She's not my typical type of chick I go for, and lately she's had a bad attitude, but I finally looked at her head on and she has a total "sex" face and now I just wanna grab her by her ponytail and make her suck my dick.

Two. I saw Al today. This friendship thing seems to be working out well. I can live with it.

Three. There's another girl I know I wouldn't mind having sex with. Let's call her Em, because I have a feeling she's gonna be around for a while. Like for the next four years of art school. I've known Em for the same amount of time I've known Al. She's also in one of my drawing classes, and she lives above me in my dorm. I can't tell you how our friendship started, but I do know it involved her criticizing my artwork and ratting me out to our drawing teacher for being a bad partner. No matter, I think she's the closest friend I have here at UGA now.

So with all that said, now on to why she made the list of why my day was so great. Sometime last night I changed my facebook status to "damn i really like you, sux you're taken" and Em, being the nosy person she is, asked about the meaning. I was hoping someone would comment on it, but she was the last person I thought would. So instead of lying, because I'm trying to stop doing it, I decided to tell her the truth.

I told her I was bi, and the facebook status was referring to Al. The only reason I told her his name is because I knew she didn't know who he was so the secret would be safe. To be honest I was really surprised by her reaction. It didn't really phase her and she said she wouldn't tell anyone else. We even had a mini conversation about the strangeness that is me and Al, and her similar situation.

So yea, I have a new friend and one foot outside "the closet." It feels nice, and kinda just wanna tell everyone now and if they don't like it then maybe we were never friends.

conversations with x!

Zero said:

*gets a boner*

*masturbates*

J said:

thats gotta hurt

Zero said:

feels good

J said:

yea

Zero said:

^__^

I just cummed on my face

J said:

im going to bed

im sad again

take care



Zero said (2:24 AM):

v___________v

Zero said (2:41 AM):

J

Zero said (2:42 AM):

I want to let you know not to be afraid

Easier said than done, I know

I am too afraid

but we can't always be afraid of the choices we made and the things we should have done.

We need to learn to move on with our choices.

Zero said (2:43 AM):

We both knew long distance relationships fail

We are men with needs.

I don't want you to dwell over the fact that you may have made a mistakes.

Mistakes are crucial to us as humans. Without making mistakes we will never learn.

Zero said (2:44 AM):

If this was a mistake, you have only gotten wiser.

If this wasn't a mistake, then you have only gotten happier.

Zero said (2:45 AM):

My dear

Life is always simple.

It is us who makes is complicated

Zero said (2:46 AM):

Make a map of your life

your people

Every character invovled

Every conflict invovled

and start elimating.

*Elminating.

People come. people go.

I may be just visiting you.

Zero said (2:47 AM):

I hope not. I really like talk to you.

What I am trying to get at, J

Is that I don't want to see you down

I am here for you.

I should have taken into consideration that something was wrong.

Zero said (2:48 AM):

I am suppose to nurture you, I mean, that is I will be doing after we have hot romantic REAL sex on our bed, our apartment room.

A kinky fantasy of mine.

I am going to bed J.

I will thinking of you.

<3 style="text-align: justify;">This is why I talk to other bloggers. Just something about that connected with me and made a lot of sense. I think this was the second serious thing x! has ever said to me, but its the most important. Damn, I love this dude.



Oh yeah, go check out Cash's blog. Its new, only sixteen posts, but its some of the best on the net. Plus he's a really cool guy. So check him out.

afraid

I'm afraid right now. I'm so afraid because I like a boy so much I broke up with a boy who loved me. I like a boy and we could never be together because he also has a boy. A boy I'm sure is so great and so awesome he would never think to break up with his boy to be with me.

I'm afraid because my life use to be so simple. So simple that I could do it with my eyes closed. I'd wake up in the morning, go to class, come back to my dorm after class, study a little, pick up my phone, text someone, and then go have sex. It was that simple. No emotions, just sex. I was a guy and guys like simple things and I was living the life. I'm afraid because my life is not so simple any more. Its foggy, and I HATE FOG.

Things were so simple before now. Emotions were things I didn't have to worry about. They weren't involved in my sex. I knew what they wanted, and I was just there to please. And please I did and I always walked away with a load in my mouth. No one was ever disappointed. Disappointed was never there. It was just sex, and it was the one thing I knew for sure I excelled at.

So where did it all go wrong? When did these "emotions" sneak up on me and ruin my life. When did they creep up on me and just fuck up my simple life. When did they make it foggy, because I need them to go. I just wanna go back to how things were before. Just go back to having sex with guys, getting loads, and leaving. I was happy then, I wasn't crying then like I am now. Why am I crying. Am I crying because I know everything that shots just told me is true and I'm afraid of that.

Am I so afraid of feeling like the thing I want the most is right there in front of me and all I have to do is wait and hope that one day it will come to me. Because I can't handle that. I don't do good with these emotions for "hope" and "faith" they were not embedded in me. They do not compute, when it comes to my life.

All I know is I like a guy. and it scares me. and i can't go back to being a cumslut to numb out those feelings. no matter how much i want to. because if i did the guy i like would not like me. he's a stand up guy. and whores never get those guys. but i did, once and i let him go because i like a guy.

it happens everytime pt. deux

It happens every time when I see him. He makes me so nervous and insecure. The sight of him gives me so many emotions: mostly sadness, but a little bit of hope as well.

If you've been following my blog then you know my best friend is call.the.shots, and you also know that those above words are not mine but his. Its him talking about MSAJ, or the guy he's crushing on hard. Well I actually had a great conversation with MSAJ, but I'm not gonna blog about it. We'll see if call.the.shots does and if he doesn't then I will. This post is actually about the asian guy in my life and how those above words that shots so poetically typed relate to my life.

It happens everytime when I see him. He makes me feel like a little kid and my insides starts to do tricks. The sight of him sends me so many emotions: mostly confusion, but maybe even a little love and a lot of happiness. I get confused because I don't know what to do with these feelings. I've never felt this way about a guy before and I just make myself so sick sometime when I think about how great we could be together, but I know it will never happen. He has a boyfriend and so do I.

So this is my dilemma.

A friend asked me this weekend which one I like more. Was it Al or was it A. Its a very complicated question, but I gave him what I felt was an honest answer and it went something like this. I like them both, but in different ways. Al is someone I liked from the first time I saw him, and thats why I sat by him in class. There's just something about him that I can't describe, but I'm attracted to it. I don't even want to have sex with him, which is huge for me, I just want to hold him and make out for hours. I mean my feelings for him are really intense and sometime they just get to me.

While A on the other hand is completely different. Maybe its the fact that we have this underlying friendship as a base or the fact that I've been fucking him longer than anybody else. Either way we just have this connection that doesn't go away. How else do you explain the fact that our friendship basically deteriated into a "friends with benefits" relationship without us being friends in high school, to us not talking for 8 months, to us getting together one February weekend and me just falling so hard for this guy and asking him to be my boyfriend. I mean stuff like this doesn't happen everyday, and it never happens to me. So there has to be a reason for this, right?

I've never pictured myself marrying a guy, but I can see that with A. He's just someone I feel I would be happy to grow old with, but no matter these feelings if Al was to come up to me today and tell me he wants to be with me or just wants to make out, I have to be honest and say I would. But that doesn't change my feelings for A. Its just really complicated, but its so simple.

A great man once told me that just because you start dating someone doesn't mean your feelings for others disappear. We're human and we don't just stop finding people attractive. That guy is right and I shouldn't feel bad about my feelings, but sometimes I do. I love A and I hope we stay together for a long time. But sometimes I wonder...

currently listening to: Drake-So Far Gone mixtape

somebody shoot me

Sorry but there will not be a post today like I've promised all weekend. Just can't do it. I'm just too busy failing at real life right now to recount the greatest birthday in my life. Maybe I wont be such a failure tomorrow, but now

I'm just having one of those days and i just need to get laid.

damn you and your thought provoking conversations

I've been doing this blogging thing for about five months. It started as a way for me to just write down my thoughts and emotions that I was feeling at the time, and maybe a way to reflect on certain things. I wish I could say I've learned a lot about myself through the blog, but that would be a lie. And I'm not lying to myself anymore.

Don't take that the wrong way. I love my blog and I plan to continue doing this until I'm an old man and forget how to use a computer. So while the blog hasn't taught me anything except that college made me sex crazy it has allowed me to get in contact with a couple of people, and through those conversations I've learned a lot about myself. One of those people in particular would have to be call.the.shots. If you haven't checked out his blog you really should. His blog really doesn't do his personality justice, but its a nice glimpse into who he is. So check him out and tell em J sent you.

So basically this post is about one of those thought provoking conversations that I hate, but usually end up having with him anyway. So basically it really late or really early and I had just put A to sleep and went back into the living room and logged on to MSN messenger, because I for some reason I don't get sleepy after sex anymore. So we start talking, asking about each others day, and somewhere during our conversation it turned to the idea that we're both getting comfortable with the idea of coming out. We both figure if we find the right guy then we wouldn't mind coming out as much as we do now. And from this is went to a subject I hate talking about.

From the start of this blog I've always said I was bi. They're are a lot of people who don't believe there is a thing such as being bisexual. I've always brushed that off my shoulder because I've always been attracted to both guys and girls, and now I just feel like a liar if I tell someone I'm bi. My main argument for saying I'm bi and not gay is the simple fact I've always envisioned myself being married with a wife and having a few little js running around. So if I come out and say I'm bi, no one would be surprised if this happened.

But even with that vision I always knew the first marriage wouldn't work and I would end up with a second wife or something. A little weird maybe. But I've never seen myself being married to a guy and theres no real reason for that. But it could do with the fact that I don't really believe in marriage. If you really love someone why does a sheet of paper make it official? Maybe thats just me being jaded because of my surroundings and how none of the marriages I know have actually worked.

But yea. Shots made me realize that I just might be gay or maybe I'm just falling in love with a guy. Because I know the exact date of the last time I found a girl attractive. I was in Virginia and I actually asked her to marry me. She thought I was joking, but we did exchange numbers and we communicate a couple of times a month, but I haven't found another girl attractive since.

And then I stopped messing with my neighbor, but that was always just sex and it probably never should have happened. But it was a Friday night, our RA finally told her they couldn't be together and she came to my door and she was to the verge of tears. So me being the nice guy I am invited her in and we just chilled for a few hours, and as always one thing led to another and we hooked up, and did it again a few more times. But I was never attracted to her she just happened to be next door.

So yea, I think I'm gay. But does that mean I have to change my profile bio now. I already have to update the people in my life section as it is.

but if you wanna talk to me im southern.inebriation@live.com on MSN messenger I'd like to hear from you

currently listening to: Thats Not My Name-the Ting Tings

quick update

Just wanted to post a quick update while I'm sitting here with A watching my favorite movie Kill Bill Vol. I. So far this has truly been the best birthday ever. Friday was perfect, today was pretty good but there was one mishap with K, but I'm over that so back to the good. I wanna say thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, and a even bigger thanks to the reader who sent me a 100 dollar Amazon gift card. Because you really made my week with that one. I guess thats it, check back Monday and I'll probably have all the dirty details on what exactly went down in this three bedroom house and all over town. Yay me.

One more thing, It usually takes a few weeks or months before I realize that I'm a year older, but this year it happened a lot quicker. I was sitiing outside the Wal-Mart waiting on A and this guy sat down beside me. We started chatting and turns out he's also an artist. He's been doing tattoos since he was 14 years old. So in the midst of this he tells me he's 18. For a split second I wanted to reply that I'm also 18, but I caught myself. And in that moment I thought to myself

"Damn I'm old."

currently listening to: Successful-Drake ft. Trey Songz & Lil Wayne

epic: the lies i tell myself

update:

Didn't wanna make a new epic post, for such a small update, but lets just say. I am a man. I just got finished talking to Al. We're cool. We're still friends. We're just not epic together. So give me three months and I'll see if I can make it happen. But we are friends.

Yay me.

And now back to your regular programming.

currently listening to: Open Happiness-Cee-Lo, Patrick Stump, Brenden Urie, Janelle Monae, & Travis McCoy
--------------------------

Attention: if you haven't read epic:who the fuck is al? then read it first. click the link or scroll down to the post below

Why must I lie to myself to feel better. I mean I wrote an entire post just a few minutes ago saying how great my day was. Which is true, but the whole Al situation just hit me again. And it hit hard. I don't have a lot of friends. I'm just not the type that likes to be surrounded by a lot of people. So when I connect with someone its a big deal. I let my guard down and let all my weird quirks shine.

So now that I'm able to really process what happened today, I'm starting to think that I'm not okay with how this is ending. I don't want it to end in a misunderstanding between he and I. I really like this guy, and hits based on a friendship I saw us having. I never had the intentions of being more than that with him. I really didn't. If at some point it evolved into a relationship then that would have been great, but I'm thinking he took it the wrong way.

The guy didn't even look at me. I mean I saw him glance my way once or twice, but mostly he didn't. And that really hurts. To know that in the matter of a weekend we went from having these witty conversations to being basically strangers and thats just not sitting well with me. But I have no clue what to do.

I really just wanna have a face to face conversation between the two of us so I can just straighten out the whole message I sent him. But I'm afraid to even approach him. Scratch that. I am gonna pull him aside Wednesday and straighten this out. I'm a fuckin' man now. I can't be lettin my emotions detur me from what I need and want to do in life. And I'm starting to see that now.

I know what I have to do, and I'm going to do it.

Damn, I really feel a whole lot better now that I've put this out there and for the first time in my life I'm not afraid of what tomorrow holds. I'm actually looking forward to it.

currently listening to: nothing but the voices in my head stroking my ego and killing that emo bastard that lives here

epic: who the fuck is al?

Turns out my day wasn't as epic as I would have liked it to be, but it wasn't bad either. Overall I had a pretty good day. There was lots of dancing, drawing, and then the fact that I think Al doesn't know I exist at all, but other than that the day was great. Oh and my roommate just stormed out the room again, but next time he should make sure he has on real clothes cause no body wantes to see his chicken legs. Sooo not attractive.

But back to the day at hand. I get to my second art class of the day and begin my anticipation of seeing Al. Class starts and he's still not there so I assume he's not going to make it, but I was wrong. Five minutes later in walks Al, I do my usual turn around and head nod, he looks at me and instead of saying "whats up," smiling, and doing his sexy quint back at me like he has for the past month he continues walking to his spot at the table.

One of two things pop into my mind when this happens.

"Damn, why you gotta be such a chick"

and

"Damn, my life is meaningless."

So for the next ten minutes I sulk a little bit. Get into my emo state of mind. Draw continuously on my hands and arms, I really like this barb wire look I have goin on, and then I just snap out of it. Because there is no need for me to be sad about this. Not over a boy. Not over a girl. Not over a so-called-friend. I have more important things to worry about, like figuring out how I failed my art history quiz.

So after that brief moment of sadness I quickly moved on with my life and began having fun in class again. I mean lets be serious, I'm just too EPIC to stop my life and fret about some random guy I've known for a month. Plus I don't need Al, when I have x!. He's so much more epic anyway.

currently listening to: Thinking of You-Katy Perry

Ask a Blogger #3

Well I'm not quite sure how this game is suppose to go, but I think I'll be okay. The rules are a little complicated, but I'm kinda dumb, so here they are.

1. Blogger 1 posts a question on their blog.
2. The first person to comment on said Blogger's post needs to direct readers to their blog, and then becomes Blogger 2.
3. Blogger 2 answers Blogger 1's question on his/her own blog (so Blogger 2's blog).
4. Blogger 2 posts a question on his/her blog.
5. And then the new Blogger repeats step 1-4.

Very confusing, but I think I'm doing it right. So here's my answer to Question 2 from Aek's post.

If you could spend one day (24-hour period) with a blogger whose blog you read and comment on, who would it be, where would you go, and what would you do? Please link to that blog in your answer as well.

Well this is kinda difficult for me. I read a lot of blogs, and try to comment on them, but I only have a personal relationship with a few of them. Had this been a few weeks ago I would have hands down said call.the.shots, but now its not so easy. But if I had to choose it would definitely be x!.

We've only been talking for four days, but the conversations we've had are nothing below being epic. Plus the fact that he's an 18 year old asian virgin, I mean seriously it doesn't get much better than that does it?Where would we go and what would we do? Would be completely up to him. I'd be done for whatever, so I guess he would have to plan our day together.

So on to my question. Question 3- What one moment in your life changed the way you view the world?

currently listening to: Pretty Fly(For A White Guy)-the Offspring

epic: now he knows

I did it. I just messaged Al on facebook and told him I was bi. So now I guess I must play the waiting game. I thought I would feel like this huge weight had been lifted, but all I'm feeling is this knotting of my stomach and that I just made the biggest mistake of my life. Guess we'll have to wait til Monday to find out.

-------------------------

Update

Its 12:24 AM and he just added me on facebook. He hasn't replied to my message so I don't know what that means. The knots are back and now I'm nervous. Damn I hate being bi. Things were so much easier when I was just straight.

Fuck

currently listening to: Lions, Tigers, & Bears-Jazmine Sullivan

-----------------------

Update #2

Its 2:23 Sunday morning and still no reply from Al. SO I'm thinking one of two things. 1. He still hasn't seen the message. 2. He saw it and is freaked out and doesn't wanna be my friend anymore. or 3. He saw it and wants to reply in person. I'm gonna go with number 3, but just incase I have a plan for Monday.

I'm actually gonna put some effort into what I look like, and not just throw on some sweats and a t-shirts. Don't get me wrong though. I think a guy looks sexiest in some sweats and a t-shirt, but I think this occasion calls for a little more. I just hope I don't get dirty while using charcoal in Drawing I, early on in the day.

If anything changes between now and Monday, I'll be sure to keep you guys posted.

currently listening to: I'm A Pirate-You're A Princess-Playradioplay

question

Why does my roommate have on skin tight, shiny, black leggings. I mean come on I know you're gay and everything, still haven't told me, but what guy wears leggings. Wow, I think I have to throw up right now.

Oh yea, I have a plan on getting with Al. Thanks to the new best friend.

currently listening to:Little Bit-Lykke Li

epic: this changes everything

Okay this post may seem out of the blue, thats because it is. I just found out something that changes everything. I mean this is MAJOR. I don't have anyone to talk to it about, damn you call.the.shots, so I decided to let the cat out the bag to the world.

Remember how I said I was a hopeless romantic, and a star crossed lover? Well lets just say that the guy Al from my art classes that I was crushing on for a bit has a secret, thats not really a secret, but was news to me. And this secret just made him a lot more sexier, I'm talking Chad White, Britney Spears, call.the.shots sexy. And for the last three minutes I've just been processing it in my head. Well I finally asked him his last name, looked him up on facebook, and his profile said Interested in: Women and then Men.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The guy is fucking bi. I'm bi and there has to be some reason why I decided to sit by him the first day of my Art History class. It has to be fate, right?

Damn! Damn! Damn! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Do you guys know how I'm feeling right now. This sexy asian guy that I've been crushing on and off for the last month is bi. That means I actually have a chance to get with him. But since this is real life you know there has to be a but. And since this is my life, the but is usually a big BUT. And this is no difference. Al has a boyfriend.

*Sighs, runs and falls down a flight of stairs, and sighs some more

I repeat he has a boyfriend, with some amazing abs. Not so cute face, but abs. But here's the thing. He lives in Atlanta so thats the silver lining. And I thrive on silver linings and I'm not above breaking up a happy home. I live for a challenge. I will willingly do whatever I can to get with Al. I mean for the last five minutes I've been obsessing on how to put Operation Athensstorm into action, and came very close to outing myself on facebook just in hopes of him seeing it and knowing, that whenever we stare at each other from across the room and smile I'm thinking about him. I'm thinking about holding him and falling asleep in his arms.

Damn, all I need is fifteen minutes alone with him in a bathroom, the middle of a forrest, or even the backseat of car. Damn, I'm really going through the motions right now. call.the.shots you're really doing a horrible job as a best friend. I just wanna punch a wall right now. Stay tuned for updates.

currently listening to:Time For Some Action-N*E*R*D

second guessing

I second guess myself at times. Its one of the many flaws that cover up the greatness that is J. I finally told the moms that I was applying to a college in Cali and if I got accepted I would be moving. Well lets just say she didn't take the news to well which actually surprised me. I mean we rarely speak, when I was there with her I never saw her, and she has always known I was going to be leaving Georgia sooner or later.

She has three sons, albeit one is in the military and I'm away at college, but she still has my little brother to keep her busy, so me moving to the better coast shouldn't be a problem, right? Well as soon as I got off the phone with her I began second guessing myself. The fact that I'm having a great time in the art classes I'm taking here, some of the friends I've recently made, and after the conversation with my academic advisor today it only makes me want to stay more, but then there's the other side.

I've always told myself I would live in LA or New York, and now I have a chance. So moving would only put me steps closer to being where I've envisioned myself since I was 13. The graphic design program here only accepts 14 students per semester and there's usually 100 kids who apply each time. But if I get into Otis then I'm guaranteed a spot in their program. Plus there are a lot more opportunities for internships in LA than there are here in Athens, so I would be able to gain more experience and stop doing odd design jobs for clubs I'm involved in and this local band.

I don't know if I ever put the real reason of why I began looking for schools in Cali, but I guess I will now. Doesn't really matter anymore, but it shows a different side of me that I don't like for people to see. I'm a romantic at heart. I'm like that Romeo fella in that play that Shakespeare stole from someone else. I'm the living version of a star crossed lover and would do some crazy things for a chance at love. Hell I've done some crazy things, but that's another story entirely.

My main motivation at first was because of a guy. I know it sounds crazy to move half way around the world for a guy, but like I said. I'm a star crossed lover, but I don't plan on dying until im 185. I don't know why, but I thought maybe we had something "special" and I didn't mind the idea of me moving to Cali, especially if it meant that maybe we could meet, hang out a little, and see where it went. Now that is probably unlikely to happen. We've talked a few times since I stated I wanted to make the move, but not as much as we use to.

Its really hard to explain, because we had this great conversation. We were clicking on all cylinders and it just felt right. I had only known this guy for less than an hour and I was believeing everything he was saying to me. He had me, I mean he really had me and it was strange to me. I didn't know what he looked like, what he did everyday, but none of that mattered. We were having this great conversation and I was enjoying every second of it. But a week, maybe tw weeks later we don't talk at much. I would go as far as to say we don't talk at all. So was I the only one that believed the things he said or did I just read way into what he said. Whatever the reasons this too made me second guess myself on my decision to leave.

But I still want to move. Just the idea of me actually being on my own, in a small apartment, scares me but also excites me in the same breath. So I sat myself down today. Got into a conceited state of mind and basically lied to myself. Its just something I have to do sometimes, the make sure I get the job done.I said

"J, you're going to apply to this school. You're going to get accepted to this school. And you're going to get to LA, set up your little apartment all nice and you're going to live the life. You're going to find the guy and or girl of your dreams and you're going to give them the best sex of their lives, because its what you do. You give people the sex and then you give them the love so you'll always have the upperhand. Cause once they get over the initial shock of "damn, that boys good" and you hit them with that love their stuck. Its game over for them and you've got them right where you want them. In the midst of your greatness."

And after I was done lying to myself I told myself the truth.

"J, even if you don't get accepted then you go with plan B. You go to summer school at UGA, catch up on your major. Reaccess how you're feeling about your life in Georgia, then and only then, if you're not satisfied if you find yourself to be content then you apply to other schools in LA and start school their in the Spring.

Problem solved right. Maybe. Oh yeah I'm taking a vow of celibacy again. The first one didn't work out. I think that's when Redcoat first entered my life, but I mean it this time. No more sex for J until he's in some kind of relationship. So if my blog gets boring you all know why. And I was talking to a friend today and he was telling me about sleeping with two brothers albeit separately, and it reminded me of two stories I haven't told.

Both involve me in the middle of a three way, but one involves two brothers so if you wanna hear this story, then hit me up in the post or even in real life. I'm always happy to find somekind of distraction in between classes and writing essays.

Oh yea I almost forgot to mention, I reached my 5000 visitor sometime yesterday some I'm fucking spazzing out over that. So thank you whoever you are that keeps reading my blog. And thanks to all my new followers. I still remember that day when I went from two to one follower. Yea, Peyton I bet you remember unfollowing me too. But now I have 15 followers and it trips me out to see when someone else decides to follow me.

But its 3 here, and I'm sleepy.

currently listening to:Electric Eel-MGMT

inebriated thoughts

This post may or may not be a long one. There's so much I need to put in it, but I don't wanna bore anyone. So lets start with the smaller things. New layout. Hope you guys like it. Its probably gonna change in a few days so enjoy it while you can. Each of the images symbolizes something about me. Anyone care to guess what they are, some are more obvious than others.

I wanna say thanks to all the guys that have contacted me through instant messengers and everyone who follows my blog or visits it once in a blue moon. I really appreciate it. You guys keep me sane and I appreciate it more than some of you guys could ever understand. Now to the post.

This blog was suppose to be about my dislike of the idea of Black History Month, but I don't wanna go that route anymore. I had this long post about how when I was younger I loved the idea of it, but as I got older it seemed to fade away from my school curriculum and didn't seem important anymore. It seemed more like a joke especially when my television screen suddenly became full of McDonald's 365 Black ads, and VH1 and BET celebrate black music commercials all of a sudden, but it is what it is. So why complain.

Then there was this post I was going to post about cheating. I finally talked to K after another one of our two weeks hiatuses that we've been prone to have since coming to college, and she tells me she cheated on her girlfriend/fiance, but it didn't mean anything and two minutes after they were done fucking her girlfriend called her and asked if she cheated on her. Coincidence, maybe.

So that led me to start thinking, why do people cheat, especially when they say their in love. I've been on both sides of the fence, but have always been faithful. Oxymoron, maybe. K has cheated on me, K has cheated on her boyfriends with me, and I've cheated on K. But I don't think I was ever in the wrong. The whole time me and K were in a relationship I was still having sex with A, the guy who took my virginity, so in my mind as long as I wasn't doing anything with another girl then technically I wasn't cheating. Its a loop whole in my morality programming. Sorry, but I'm not perfect.

So why do people cheat and then say it meant nothing. If you're in "love" then you shouldn't stray away from the one you love. So what is it about this other person that makes you go out and have sex with them. Is it the color of their eyes or maybe the car they drive? Or maybe you're one of those people who believe man is not a monogamous creature, its just not in our DNA. Which I guess I can see your point. I mean look at all the animals in the world. How many are monogamous? Swans, yes. Giraffes, not really plus they're bisexual and have black tongues. So why do we cheat?

But the real reason for this post is the fact that I did something I probably shouldn't have. I had sex with Redcoat earlier today. It wasn't planned it just kinda, sorta happened. After deciding to end whatever I had with him our friendship kinda deteriorated. But for some reason we started back talking today on yahoo. He said his roommates were out and I should come over. And so I foolishly did. I mean we were friends for about three months before I ended things.

So I left my room, and walked over to his place. We started talking, watched a movie, and he asked me what exactly made me end whatever it was we had going on. I sat there looking at him for a moment and laid most of my cards out on the table. Somewhere in my brief monologue his tongue ended up down my throat. Shirts came off, pants soon followed, and my boxers landed beside his Aussiebum underwear on the floor. We were both completely naked besides my socks and the condom I quickly placed on his guy. 15 minutes later my face and mouth were covered in his guys and we laid there holding each other. I was in complete bliss until I heard him whisper into my ear "I LOVE YOU."

Damn, he ruined the mood and I began wondering what did I just walk into. I don't think I've ever had a guy tell me he loves me and actually mean it. And we all know how easily I through out the "l" word, but at least I didn't say it back. What I would have given to have heard those words a few weeks ago. But I'm in a different place now. Love will have to wait just a little longer.

And last but not least I think I have to steal an idea from a blog I just discovered. Its called Words In Motion. The guy is 22, he's in med school, and he's only three posts in. So go check him out, show him some love, and tell him J sent you.

currently listening to: Prom Queen-Lil Wayne & Long Distance-Brandy

Don't judge me on this one. I'm not a Lil Wayne stan or anything, but I surprisingly like this song. I saw his live performance of it and I don't understand why people thought it was so bad. I thought he killed it and thats why I'm currently listening to it on my iPod, cause I only fucks with the best of the best.

Im going to sleep now.

Look I even found this nifty clip. And yes I said nifty cause I fucks with people who say nifty.