Just had this thought pop into my head during a conversation.
Lets say I decided to come out to all my family and friends today. I decided to call each and everyone up right now and say "Hi, I'm J and I like girls but I also like guys." What happens next? Will this huge weight be lifted off my shoulder. Will my life become something you see in the movies. Or does everything remain the same, because if its just gonna be the way it is now what's the point of coming out. I'm looking for balloons and not the same ol' pebbles I'm used to.
Love would be nice, but I've never had it. Is love even real? Love that's unconditional no matter how many times I screw up you never stay mad at me, and you're always there when I need you. Are you out there, cause if you are I could really use you right now.To come to Georgia and just sweep me off my feet.
Love. Its a word I throw around too much, but in my eighteen years of living I've come to the conclusion I've never experienced it. I've only had the shallow, less satisfying cousins of it. A really strong like and an even stronger lust. I guess I'm to easy when it comes to love too.
All you really need is a cute face, throw some nice compliments at me, recite a couple of lines from your favorite movie, tell me you like frosted flakes over froot loops, and can enjoy a nice cup of Sunny Delight orange juice and you've got me right where you want me. So what's a guy to do. Sit here and wait for prince charming or wonder woman to come and sweep me of my feet or keep falling in like and lust and hope that beneath the glossy surface theres a heart just waiting to be filled with everything I have to give.
Maybe I'll reading into this too much, but I just found out that as of today I don't have a room on campus for the 2009-2010 school year. Here at UGA you are only guaranteed a room is you're a Freshman, after that its all up to luck or as they put into the email I just received, your credit hours, and your GPA.
Given I'm number 22 on the waiting list I will most likely have a room here next year, but this only makes me think I should transfer out. Guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.
I really want to go to this school. I really do. There's no way to describe how much I want this right now. My stomach is turning and I have this omnimous feeling, which only makes me think this is where I'm meant to be.
Its a private school and they only have a little over a thousand students enrolled so that kind of worries me a bit. They're are some things that I feel work towards my advantage. I'm a guy and the school is mostly female, I'm from out of state, and only five percent of the school is black. So hopefully these three factors will work into my favor.
So now the hard part is up to me. I have to fill out an application. Create a portfolio. And wait for their answer, which would come three weeks after I apply. Wish me luck, because I don't think I've ever wanted something as much as I want this right now.
--------------- Editors Note: I wrote this post Saturday, January 24 and have since been notified by a friend of some other schools out in the area that I'm looking into. But as of now Otis is still my first choice.
I thought as I was putting on my sweats that were previously rested on the big oak tree beside the towel I had just got up from. I mean too often I find myself in these strange predicaments that I find myself in now. For the last hour I braced the cold as I laid on my back and watch this guy insert himself into for the first time.
Ow, ow, ow. Wait, give me a sec. Okay, yea thats better.
Finally I was being fucked by a white guy, and to think just a week before this I was serious about giving up on all white guys after the souring of my relationship with Redcoat. I had swore off white guys and was going to continue my obsession with Asian men, and continue my hunt for that one Mexican guy who could make an honest man out of myself, but look at me now. Outside, on my back, laying in the grass, looking at the stars, and trying not to moan so loud.
Am I too easy?
I asked myself after he asked me if I swallowed. Its been a while, but I figured why not. I had just done my research the night before on how safe swallowing cum was and I was pleased with the knowledge I gained. So why not, I had only swallowed for one guy before so why not start this new relationship with this gesture.
Yea, I swallow.
A few minutes later, he pulled his dick out of my ass, threw the condom into the woods, and my mouth became the inhabitant of his warm, milky cum.
So you think we could maybe, make this a regular thing?
Sure, I said, sounds good to me.
And that was that. We put back on our clothes, kissed, said our good byes, and went our separate ways. He went to the left and I started my new nightly ritual of a jog back to my dorm and began asking myself Am I Too Easy. I asked a friend, but guess he became too distracted by the story of me and the love outside to deliver me an answer. So
My entire life I've been letting my fear control me, the same thing goes for my brain. Too many times I find myself over complicating the simplest things in life. And it always bothered me, but I never knew how to take a step back and just go for it. I would always get caught in a parabala of questions.
Should I go left or should I go right. Can we afford this right now. What if I fail. What if I succeed. What happens next. Why do I want this. Is it even worth it.
Just the smallest things would get inside my mind and eat at me. The same thing has been happening to me this last week. I was walking to the gym and this random thought just jumped into my head, and I began thinking.
I'm content with where I am in my life now.
I know whats wrong with being content? The mass majority of Americans are content with their lives. But I don't want to be like them. I want to be happy. I hate the thought of being content. I want to feel loved. I want to feel uncomfortable, because if I'm always comfortable then I'm only being content.
Don't get me wrong I'm not some sad, selfmasacating guy that just hates life. I swear I'm not. I have my moments where I'm just the happiest kid in the world. Where there's not a care in my mind. Take the other night for example. It was two in the morning and I just got this urge to go outside, lay on the grass, and stare at the stars.
It was so comforting to lay there and listened to the earth talk to me. I felt so small, but I took comfort in that. Just laying there made me smile so wide and wanna ask the rest of the world
Why so serious?
And in that moment I knew what I had to do. I have to follow my heart, follow my dreams, follow the signs and make a move to the west coast. I'm coming to Cali and I'm doing it all for the right reasons, I swear. Because as long as I'm here in Georgia surrounded by family and friends and their expectations of who and what J is suppose to be, then I can't figure out who the fuck I actually am. I'm not going to be able to build myself into that great person who I constantly find myself dreaming about. Because I'm too worried about disappointing anyone in my life.
And that in its self is my biggest flaw in life. I care too much about other people. I put them and their feelings before myself. There are so many times where I have put my wishes, my wants, and my feelings aside just so I could make someone that I cared about happy. I don't know why I do it, but I do but I don't want to anymore.
I wanna be selfish for once. I wanna be an arrogant ass with the rest of the kanye's in the world. I wanna be able to walk outside my room and be like fuck you, you, you, and yo momma and not feel bad about. I wanna be able to say hells yea, when K tells me I'm actin' brand new right now.
I just want to be HAPPY, and I don't want to be content. I know this change is isn't gonna happen over night, but I want the change to happen and I really feel the best way to make it happen is switching coasts.
I've live on the east coast for the last thirteen years of my life and look where its gotten me. Confused, in college, and content all at the tender age of 18. I use to live in Cali when I was younger, and though I don't remember any of it I look so happy in all the pictures so why not try and regain that youthful charm.
Its gonna take sometime to fully get to where I want to be, but I vehemently feel moving is really the best option. Or am I being a little too forward?
Its been three days since I last talked to you. There were those naysayers out there that said I couldn't do it. They said that I would never resist the urge to spill all of my inner thoughts onto these here interwebs. Well I'd like to say I lasted three days, so ha. Take that ex-cybercrush/new best friend. Now onto the meat of the post.
I started writing this letter to express my deep joy I have for America right now. I was cynical about the fact that Obama would actually become the president, in the back of my mind I just saw him turning out like Kennedy did, but it actually happened and I can only ask myself one question.
Self, where else in the world can you have a half Kenyan, half white president with an Asian sister? Only in America.
I started writing this letter to express how happy I am that now when people look at me they may still see a guy who should be playing basketball, a guy who probably played high school football, a guy that will probably end up in jail, and a guy that when they see me their first instinct is to cross the road. I know there are still people that view me this way, but at least now when this happens I can always tell myself one thing.
Self, they're only looking at you and crossing the street because they see the 48th President inside of you.
But somewhere in that message of hope and happiness that I wanted to convey a feeling of hate and anger swept over my feeble mind. I looked up at the walls in my room and saw thousand of little British eyes staring at me. I got up and went to get some water and couldn't see my mini refrigerator. And all I could think of was how I could get away with choking out my roommate and not getting arrested. Trust me jail is not a fun place to be.
But the other voice in my head said no, talk to him first and then choke him out if his answer doesn't satisfy you. So thank you voice, because of you I'm not locked up right now. I got to go to the mall today and eat some Japanese food. Yum.
Last, but not least I want to tell the world that by this time next year I hope to be living in the LA area or atleast residing in California. I just feel like its time for a change. That and the fact all the cool people live in Cali, no body lives in Georgia. Trust me I know.
And I think Im falling in love, again. I think Im moving a little to fast and the thought is a little too forward for only knowing him for a day, but still. You gotta love a guy with some sexy ass lips and eyes.
Oh and I had this quote that a wise man once yold me about labels, but i cant find it so think of something inspiring and deep instead.
Peace Out, J, the inebriated one
p.s. I don't know if I can do this but since this is my blog and i call the shots, i just wanna ive a few shout outs to a couple of people.
Whats up my Malaysian/Vietnam friend, I missed my Chinese New Year celebration tonight but I hope you have fun at yours Monday.
What it do New Zealand, its been a while but I can never forget.
and
What up Cali, I hope yal are preparin' cause I plan on taking over
Remember wHen I said I was going to try and cut down tHe blogging. Well tHat tHougHt Has gone completely out tHe window, sorry. Some people made some great arguments tHat made me tHink tHat was a good cHoice. A. It would be easier for people to catcH up if I only posted 2/3 times a week. B. It would leave tHem wanting more.
Well tHose are botH great reason, but I don't feel like a Have a following. I really feel like I'm tHe red Headed stepcHild tHat sits in tHe back of tHe van and everyone forgets Him wHen tHey're getting out to go inside tHe grocery store. Plus I feel like every little quirky tHings tHat Happens to me in a given day is blog wortHy, lol.
Just like tHis useless post I'm writing now, but you need some History first. I've mentioned before tHat most of my girl crusHes were always on wHite cHicks. Not a good tHing coming from my Hometown. H, just Happens to be one of tHem, and tHe one I'm closest witH. We became close in tHe 8tH grade and sHe was actually tHe one tHat let tHe news out about me and K dating. Long story sHort tHat was also tHe beginning of Her discovering sHe Has an unHealtHy obsession witH black guys.
Long story sHort, sHe started dating black guys. Parents found out. Hell broke lose. SHe cried. Hell broke loose some more. And sHe Had panic attacks. But Her fascination witH black guys didn't stop Here. It continued to HigH scHool and for better or worst I fell in like witH Her, and we went back and fortH for a wHile. But ultimately decided we were better as friends, plus it was senior year and wHy start a new relationsHip wHen we're botH leaving.
So I give you a glimpse into my friendsHip witH H. THis all started wHen I commented on Her facebook status tHat said sHe was reading.
J
reading wHat
H
THe Perks of Being a Wallflower
J
never Heard of it
H
I Hadn't eitHer until (mutual friend) gave it to me at scHool today. SHe said its Her favorite book- its weird, but good.
J
lol,tHose are usually tHe best
H
YeaH, tHey are. Do you read for fun?
J
no,but im trying to start. and im tryna start writing again
H
BlaH.
J
blaH!tHats rude
H
I love to read for fun.
J
im Happy 4 youi just dont Have any books and Havent been 2 a library since 9tH grade
H
Well I would offer to supply you witH some, but I don't know tHat you would like tHe kind of stuf I read. I'm not sure tHougH, we botH loved tHe Giver.
J
yea, and ive been meaning to read tHe otHer two
H
I Haven't read tHe otHers yet eitHer.
J
i tHink i migHt buy all tHree online wHile im tHinking about it
H
If you buy 'em let me borrow 'em.
J
i will cause i dont reread books. so tHey just gatHer dust
H
I read tHe TwiligHt series and I really realy enjoyed tHem.
J
lol, i tHink ive lost you
H
WHat you mean?
J
twiligHt. i guess i just Have a bad perception about tHe books. so i will probably never read tHem
H
THey sound really stupid. My cousin suggested it to me and I told Her I would never read tHat stupid crap about vampires.
J
lol
H
But once I read tHem, I loved tHem. :)I couldn't stop reading.
J
ill probably never read tHem, and i still Havent read book 7 of Harry potter
H
I never read tHe Harry Potter books.
J
tHose were tHe only books ive read witH a passion. we Had to read tHe 2nd one in tHe 5tH grade, and it was like crack rock
H
I just couldn't ever get into tHe first one.
J
i became addicted. never read tHe first one eitHer, saw tHe movie tHougH
H
I love tHe movies.
J
i was disappointed witH tHe 4tH one tHougH
H
I also read a futuristic series tHat reminded me of THe Giver. You would probably like it.
J
is it called futuristic
H
No. THe first one is Uglies.
J
oH, uglies
H
THe second one is Pretties, and tHe tHird is Specials
J
wHat is it about
H
Its like 300 or so years from now..and wHen you turn 16 you Have tHis surgery tHat makes you "pretty" and you look just like everyone else. Its about a girl wHo is waiting to turn pretty and sHe makes a friend and wHen Her friend runs away tHe officials tell Her sHe can't be made pretty until sHe finds Her friend.
J
aww, sounds interesting and it does rmind me of tHe giver
H
Its really good. Kind of mystery, plays witH your mind, and Has a little bit of romance.
J
Hmm
H
If you want to read 'em I'll send tHem to you.
J
i migHt Hit you up after im tHrougH witH tHe giver trilogy
H
We can swap books. :)
J
yay
H
Did you watcH tHe Inaugaration today ? I spelt tHat wrong. Ha.
J
yea i skipped my first class and missed like 10 minutes of tHe second one but i watcHed it
H
I didn't watcH it. Not even tHe parade. I Had class ALL day.
J
tHat sucks it was my first one, so it was nice
H
My friend Billie was tHere.
J
but i cant figure out if you get reelected tHen do you get anotHer inauguration
H
I was wondering tHat earlier today. THat would seem pointless
J
yea, but no one i asks seems 2 know. so i ask tHem How tHe Heck did tHey get into UGA and tHeyre like How did you and i say cause im black
H
HaHaHaHaHa
J
and walk away
H
and from a scHool witH a HigH poverty rate
J
yes
H
I tHougHt of you tHe otHer day.
J
aH
H
I asked my black friend from scHool if black people were afraid to fly and sHe said "girl you crazy" and sHe said "I Hope you don't ask just any random black person tHose kind of questions"
J
HaHaHa,you cant do tHat H. you already come from (my Home town)
H
THen I realized tHat I Had special black friends. Not regular black friends. HaHa
J
lol, wHat does tHis special mean
H
I tHink it means more wHite tHan black. HaHa
J
Hmm, im not even offended by tHat anymore
H
I mean come on, my closest black friends are you and (anotHer mutual friend) and I'm pretty sure tHat y'all are wHite people trrappd in african american bodies!
J
Hmm, im pretty sure im black. my moms black. and my dads black.
H
HaHa. :)
J
so are my five brotHers and sisters
H
I'm glad we're friends, no matter wHat color you are.
J
well i only like you cause youre wHite. its probably tHat wHole forbidden fruit tHing
H
THats a concept I understand. Ha
J
yea, if anyone does its you, does tHat make me any blacker or am i still a special black friend
H
Ha. I'll take tHat as a compliment, J.
J
it was
H
Well Ima get back to my reading.
J
ok
i sHould try and start mine
H
Half way tHrougH. Its gettin' good. .I'll talk to you later. :)ly
