My entire life I've been letting my fear control me, the same thing goes for my brain. Too many times I find myself over complicating the simplest things in life. And it always bothered me, but I never knew how to take a step back and just go for it. I would always get caught in a parabala of questions.
Should I go left or should I go right. Can we afford this right now. What if I fail. What if I succeed. What happens next. Why do I want this. Is it even worth it.
Just the smallest things would get inside my mind and eat at me. The same thing has been happening to me this last week. I was walking to the gym and this random thought just jumped into my head, and I began thinking.
I'm content with where I am in my life now.
I know whats wrong with being content? The mass majority of Americans are content with their lives. But I don't want to be like them. I want to be happy. I hate the thought of being content. I want to feel loved. I want to feel uncomfortable, because if I'm always comfortable then I'm only being content.
Don't get me wrong I'm not some sad, selfmasacating guy that just hates life. I swear I'm not. I have my moments where I'm just the happiest kid in the world. Where there's not a care in my mind. Take the other night for example. It was two in the morning and I just got this urge to go outside, lay on the grass, and stare at the stars.
It was so comforting to lay there and listened to the earth talk to me. I felt so small, but I took comfort in that. Just laying there made me smile so wide and wanna ask the rest of the world
Why so serious?
And in that moment I knew what I had to do. I have to follow my heart, follow my dreams, follow the signs and make a move to the west coast. I'm coming to Cali and I'm doing it all for the right reasons, I swear. Because as long as I'm here in Georgia surrounded by family and friends and their expectations of who and what J is suppose to be, then I can't figure out who the fuck I actually am. I'm not going to be able to build myself into that great person who I constantly find myself dreaming about. Because I'm too worried about disappointing anyone in my life.
And that in its self is my biggest flaw in life. I care too much about other people. I put them and their feelings before myself. There are so many times where I have put my wishes, my wants, and my feelings aside just so I could make someone that I cared about happy. I don't know why I do it, but I do but I don't want to anymore.
I wanna be selfish for once. I wanna be an arrogant ass with the rest of the kanye's in the world. I wanna be able to walk outside my room and be like fuck you, you, you, and yo momma and not feel bad about. I wanna be able to say hells yea, when K tells me I'm actin' brand new right now.
I just want to be HAPPY, and I don't want to be content. I know this change is isn't gonna happen over night, but I want the change to happen and I really feel the best way to make it happen is switching coasts.
I've live on the east coast for the last thirteen years of my life and look where its gotten me. Confused, in college, and content all at the tender age of 18. I use to live in Cali when I was younger, and though I don't remember any of it I look so happy in all the pictures so why not try and regain that youthful charm.
Its gonna take sometime to fully get to where I want to be, but I vehemently feel moving is really the best option. Or am I being a little too forward?
Should I go left or should I go right. Can we afford this right now. What if I fail. What if I succeed. What happens next. Why do I want this. Is it even worth it.
Just the smallest things would get inside my mind and eat at me. The same thing has been happening to me this last week. I was walking to the gym and this random thought just jumped into my head, and I began thinking.
I'm content with where I am in my life now.
I know whats wrong with being content? The mass majority of Americans are content with their lives. But I don't want to be like them. I want to be happy. I hate the thought of being content. I want to feel loved. I want to feel uncomfortable, because if I'm always comfortable then I'm only being content.
Don't get me wrong I'm not some sad, selfmasacating guy that just hates life. I swear I'm not. I have my moments where I'm just the happiest kid in the world. Where there's not a care in my mind. Take the other night for example. It was two in the morning and I just got this urge to go outside, lay on the grass, and stare at the stars.
It was so comforting to lay there and listened to the earth talk to me. I felt so small, but I took comfort in that. Just laying there made me smile so wide and wanna ask the rest of the world
Why so serious?
And in that moment I knew what I had to do. I have to follow my heart, follow my dreams, follow the signs and make a move to the west coast. I'm coming to Cali and I'm doing it all for the right reasons, I swear. Because as long as I'm here in Georgia surrounded by family and friends and their expectations of who and what J is suppose to be, then I can't figure out who the fuck I actually am. I'm not going to be able to build myself into that great person who I constantly find myself dreaming about. Because I'm too worried about disappointing anyone in my life.
And that in its self is my biggest flaw in life. I care too much about other people. I put them and their feelings before myself. There are so many times where I have put my wishes, my wants, and my feelings aside just so I could make someone that I cared about happy. I don't know why I do it, but I do but I don't want to anymore.
I wanna be selfish for once. I wanna be an arrogant ass with the rest of the kanye's in the world. I wanna be able to walk outside my room and be like fuck you, you, you, and yo momma and not feel bad about. I wanna be able to say hells yea, when K tells me I'm actin' brand new right now.
I just want to be HAPPY, and I don't want to be content. I know this change is isn't gonna happen over night, but I want the change to happen and I really feel the best way to make it happen is switching coasts.
I've live on the east coast for the last thirteen years of my life and look where its gotten me. Confused, in college, and content all at the tender age of 18. I use to live in Cali when I was younger, and though I don't remember any of it I look so happy in all the pictures so why not try and regain that youthful charm.
Its gonna take sometime to fully get to where I want to be, but I vehemently feel moving is really the best option. Or am I being a little too forward?
1 comments:
Strange that you were lying on the grass listening to the earth talk to you - so was I: the stars are all upside down, so it takes a leap to work out what they all are!
'Go West, young man!' seems like a good thing to do, if it means you will find out who you really are. Lots of kiwis go and do 'Overseas Experience' for just the same reason - they can't just 'be' without meeting someone they know, or who knows their dad, or whatever, as long as they stay in NZ - California seems as good as anywhere! And being selfish? Oh yes - you need to do that sometimes! G =]
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