introductions

When I first started this blog I was in a transitional phase in my life. I had just graduated from high school a few months earlier, I was a college freshman not living up to my fullest potential, and I was finally on my own. Something I told myself I always wanted, but found out maybe that wasn't what I needed.

My whole life has been failure, after failure, after failure in my eyes. I was never good enough. No matter what anyone told me, in my eyes I was never good enough. The things that I always wanted or felt I deserved I never got, so early on I stopped reaching for things. It was just simple things. I stopped making goals. I stopped asking for things. I just stopped, and as I look back I don't think that was a good decision.

So when I came to the university I was alone. I only knew one person, and we weren't the closest people in the world, so all I had was myself and my alcoholic roommate. Not a good combination at all. My classes were kicking my ass, and on more than one occasion I truly thought the worst was going to happen.

All I could visualize was failing my classes, losing my scholarship, and being forced to go back to my hometown and disappoint all of the people who were foolish enough to believe in me. How dare they do that. Didn't they know that I always disappoint. That I'm worthless. I guess they never got the memo.

So in my many low points during the semester I did the one thing that I knew I excelled at. I had sex. Lots and lots of sex. I've written about some of my sexual escapades, but most of them I decided not to write about because I'm not proud of them. Whenever I felt lonely or depressed I would pick up my phone or get online and find one of the guys I was usually with and set something up.

When I was with them none of my problems did not exist. The only thing on my mind was how long could I make this last. How hard could I get his dick. How long can I suck him before he cums on my face. How rough can I get him to fuck me in the ass. All I wanted was a dick in my mouth and in my ass and I was the happiest guy in the world, but was I really?

I can absolutely say right now that I was unhappy. I really was. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I wanted. I just didn't know what I was doing or where I was headed so I stopped. I packed up my bags, bought some black & milds, and found a hotel and stayed there for two days. I can't really say what happened in the room, but I left with a clear mind.

Things are better now. I know what I want from life and I plan on getting it. School is fun now, a little expensive, but fun. Art classes are going great, met a couple of more people, and the roommate is basically a repeat of the last one minus the alcoholic part. All in all things are going great so it is with great pleasure I introduce myself, again.

Hi! I'm J. And I'm happy with myself and where I'm headed.

I wanted to put my full name up, butt decided against it for one simple reason. I wouldn't say I'm a paranoid guy, but in the back of my mind the first time I put my name on this blog I'm sure someone I know will find the blog. I really don't care if someone finds out, I'm just worried about Dummy.

If you know me, then you probably know that I was closest to Dummy and N(this other girl in my portuguese class). I guess because we were the three "country" people. I mean N lives less than thirty minutes away from where I grew up and we have a lot of the same friends. So if they discover me then they'll discover Dummy and I just care too much for him for him to end up getting hurt over something as trivial as us having sex once or twice.

Hell the guy is getting married in August. And guess who's the best man. I'll give you a hint his name starts with a J.

p.s. J isn't my real name, but all my friends call me J I just don't know if they spell it J, Jay, Jai, Jaye, or J.A. lol