i wish...

...i could lay next to you.
...i could tumble every moment i think of you.
...i could get rid of this feeling.
...i wasn't pushing myself away from you.

just some wishful thinking i needed to get out of my system. but for some reason i suddenly feel depressed now. mostly because i'm thinking of you. i don't even know what this feeling is. i just know i felt the same thing for three months when i was obsessing over Al. the only way to describe it is it feels like a whale being pushed into a small can, while a war is going on in the background. i can't think clearly. i'm not motivated to do anything. my heart feels like its about to explode, my chest is cloudy, and my head feels like someone is constantly pounding it on the ground like they're trying to break open a piggybank.

if it wasn't for the miraculous return of mark and the EPIC, gut-busting makeup sex with robby i probably would've disappeared by now.

currently listening to Have You Ever by Brandy

BUT YEAH,

i guess my next post is the big 300. thought about doing something special and i still might, but i probably won't. but i've finally decided that i'm gonna do the "where you blog" game thats been floating around like wildfire. i've been tagged three times so i guess i have no choice.

bastard

i feel like being random right now and revealing my favorite word of all time. if you haven'r guessed yet, its bastard. but i'm not allowed to say it at home. and i don't ever say the word. when i'm bored i usually scream out you bastard, or fuckin' bastard or some variation of that. i also get in bastard fights with my little brother from time to time. i think the word means someone wihout a father or someone who doesn't know who their father is. correct me if i'm wrong though. but yeah, i love the word bastard, but i never say it.

it makes me happy.

currently calling the financial aid office, they keep ignoroiong my calls tho.

faceless

my heart hurts and my hands are shaking. i take a moment to try and stop, but nothing works. the deep breaths of the past fail me. i can no longer breathe. concentration doesn't work, because all i think about is you, the faceless guy i met on the street that cold summer's day.

i was goin through some old notebooks today and i found this paragraph in one of them i wrote. i dated this paragraph 7.01.04. fourteen was a weird year for me. a lot of things began happening around that time. but i can still relate to the emotions i wrote in that paragraph today. my heart actually is hurting right now, and my hands were shaking. they've sopped now. so its just weird that today when i was going through old notebooks of writings, drawings, and algebra homework i stopped on this page with this paragraph.

i think i'll finish this story soon.

currently watching Bonanza

i fail...

....fore he is the galaxy, and i'm just a lowly star.

currently watching Independence Day

six in the morning epiphanies

i'm tired of falling in love with people that are unavailable. emotionally, physically, and mentally.

i also miss robby. can't help but feel like if i would have let you apologize when you wanted that you'd still be around. i don't know why, but i always fel like if there was anyone that i could tell something to it was you. i never felt like you ever judged me. i guess thats why i miss you, because there's some shit i need to ge off my chest and i don't have anyone to tell it to. oh well, if you're reading this i miss you. atleast you pretended like i had a chance, he he.

i'm also an ass. and i'm sleepy. and i have anger issues. and i los my inside voice when i moved to savannah. and i really don't like my little cousins. and my family is stupid. and my favorite cousin is probably gonna die, because he's a stupid 17 year old boy. and he's probably gonna die, and people are gonna be all sad, and i'm just gonna go on with my life like nothing has even happened. because i'm cold, and detached from my family, and i don't deal with death well.

and i miss robby. where are you yeezy?

and you should probably disregard this entire post. but i am tired of falling in love. maybe i'm the fool. maybe i'm the stupid one for believeing in love and all these other idealistic things. maybe i'm just a lie and the truth you spoke to me, was reality. either way i wish that childish, naive part of me that believes in fairy tales, and happy endings, and love, and all that mushy stuff would just die. cause i'm tired of laying awake at night dreaming. i don't wanna do it anymore. i wanna sink back down to reality. life was easier then when i didn't care. i'm tired of caring. why can't i say something mean without feeling like a stoopid fuck. why can't i be that person. why.

i don't sleep anymore. i can't do it. because i'm usually preocupied with thoughts of you, or him, or her. i had a dream about you last night. it was weird. i remember being someplace and looking up and there you were. staring down at me smiling. and then i woke up.

currently listening to Dance, Dance, Dance on My Face by Lykke Li

i also feel like i should mention i havent had sex in ten/eleven days. thats a long time for me. i need to disappear for a bit.....but i won't. oh yeah, hi mark, i miss you too.

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

what kind of fuckery is his. do i give off some kind of scent. is it the pheromones. what the fuck is it. why are all the people i like in my fuckin life fuckin LACTOSE INTOLERANT. what kind of fuckery is that. i love my milk. i drink it on the regular. i love my pizza. i love my double cheeseburgers. i love my lasagna. i just love a fuckin cold glass of milk, but i can't have it. because everyone i like is fucking LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

bestfriend #4-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
bestfriend # 5-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
K-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
CUMMY-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
and now YOU

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

i give up on life. i'm gonna go join a convent with the nuns.

currently listening to Scream by Michael Jackson ft. Janet Jackson

you disappoint me

"hi," i said.

"hi," he replied.

"i'm J. i figured if x! liked you, you couldn't be too bad of a guy. plus i just read your comment about how no one talks to you on msn, so i figured why not."

"heheehehe...so x told you about me then, eh?"

"yeah, i asked him who you were cause i had a compulsion to become a headhunter and come find you, but luckily he told me not to cause you're his drill sergeant. so i said cool. he can live."

"what you mean by headhunter? x is a chill dude...quite unique."

"its a professional assasin, and yeah. he is, i've come to know that the past few months."

"southern inebriation, eh? where u located?"

"georgia, athens at the moment."

"cool, savannah here."

"thats crazy, my mom moved there after i graduated to live with my aunt."

"small world..."

and it really is. that first conversation still stands out in my mind. i've talked to many people online but most of them end within a day of two of chatting, but i knew from that conversation that we had a connection. you were a cool guy. had an interesting perspective on life. and you kept me laughing. you were a keeper. and i enjoyed our conversations.

we discussed everything from how x stole my word epic and how you picked it up and continue to use it as your own. to the fact that you're only out to one person in real life and how you told him in a foreign language, infront of a group of friends, but only you and him spoke the language. this was also during the time when i had an epic beard and i was Rick Ross, and not yet Kanye West. i liked you back then, but now i'm not so sure.

you disappoint me. because with all the knowledge and the truth you claim to have you still don't realize when to stop. you said a lot of things tonight and at first it was funny, funny ha ha look at the crazy drunk, but after a while it stopped being funny. you repeatedly said "u dont kno me" and you were completely right. everything i thought i knew about you was a lie, and if there's one thing i've learned from my dealings with K, when she drinks and gets in that frame of mind, its that...

a drunk never lies.

so i'm glad i know how you really feel about me now. it hurts, but i deserve it because i'm a bitch ass nigger that goes to fucking artschool and should get back on welfare. your words. i just hope you finally realize that you need help. if that means losing your job, then so be it. because from everything you said, and from what i gathered, your job is a major part of why you're so fucked up now. maybe its time to find something new. find a place where you're happy. cause no matter how stupid or naive you say i am, i can say i'm happy with myself.

can you say the same thing?

currently listening to Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

housing

i need a place to stay in LA when i move in August. Any suggestions?

currently listening to Wake by the Antlers

true believers

religion is a tough thing for me. i was raised to believe in God. i was also raised to be Christian. but somewhere around the age of eleven there was a disconnect. i started noticing my surroundings and there were littlethings that didn't feel right. things that didn't seem to be "christian" so i stopped going to church.

i'm at the stage where i'm starting to ask questions. and seek out the answers.

i had a two hour discussion with a european guy today about religion and god. i just wish i could sit down with a preacher or someone to just ask some questions, because some things just don't sit right with me. there are aspects of the Christian faith that make me...uncomfortable.

"are you a believer" he asked.

"in what?"

"in god"

" i don't know really," i relpied. "i'm at this point where i'm starting to ask questions."

"this universe is not running by itself, so it has to be god."

"okay...maybe buddha's running it."

he then proceded to laugh out loud before he gave a smug reply of "i think its a little bigger than buddha," and continued his laughing.

"i'm being serious, there are so many religions in the world does that mean that your religion is the only real one. if so does that mean that the rest of the world is doomed to hell?"

" i think so" he said, and i sat in silence for a few seconds.

and this is why i have a problem with religion. the fact that there are billions of people in the world that don't believe in god. they believe in their own religion and their own god, whomever or whatever it may be. that these people could be the most loving and giving people in the universe, with their only fault being their religion. and because they believe in something or someone else, they're doomed to spend an eternity in pain.

this just doesn't sit well with me. it makes me uncomfortable.

currently listening to Disarm by the Smashing Pumpkins

childhood 101

this is why i love hulu, because they put random things up on there. its five in the morning but i refuse to go to sleep without watching this. this is my whole childhood defined in one movie. damn i miss being seven years old again. i use to have this on VHS and then the little brother was born and ripped the film strip out of the VHS. at least now i have hulu so i can watch it over and over and over.

he's the galaxy...

...and i'm just a lowly star.

sorry, had a self-loathing moment. please forgive me.

currently listening to Genius Next Door by Regina Spektor

i wish #2

1. i wish i never started this blog.
2. i wish i could be 100 percent honest with all of you.
3. i wish i was in cali now.
4. i wish you never crashed, i wish i never heard the truth, i wish i never thought you were dead, i wish i never shed that tear.
5. i wish you weren't pregnant, because you don't need to be. i wish i was there for you right now. i wish i could whisk you away like they do in the fairytales so you would never be hurt. i wish i told you how much i loved you when i had a chance. i wish i fell for you and not her. i wish you would get off that stuff now more then ever, if not for you, then for the baby. i wish i was with you.
6. i wish it was okay to be gay.
7. i wish it was okay to be black.
8. i wish i didn't like the saturdays.
9. i wish i could be honest with you.
10. i wish i could see britney live in concert.
11. i wish you believed i was serious.
12. i wish these chills would go away.
13. i wish i could stay sober.
14. i wish a lot of shit.
15. i wish i knew what i wanted.
16. i wish i was with you.
17. i wish wishes came true.
    

currently listening to Chills by Fatty Koo

thanks 4 everything

mother’s day is cool. i can respect that. she carried me for nine months and yada, yada, yada. i’m cool with spending my las twenty dollars on some art suplies for a homemade mother’s day card, scented candles, and some sunflowers but i can’t say the same for father’s day.

but maybe that’s just me and my situation. i’m nineteen and i can count the times i’ve seen my dad on two hands the last ten years. yeah he gave me a car, but he also surprised me with the fact that i have a ten year old sister. and i’m still waiting to be told about the little brother he’s still hiding from me.

so while everyone else is having a wonderous father’s day just remember that i’ll be suffering through an awkward 30 minute conversation with my father that my grandmother either a. guilt tripped me into or b. bribed me into. the conversation will last thirty awkward minutes because my father will want to catch up on the happeneings of my life. but all i really wanna say is Happy Father’s Day and thank you for not pulling out.

currently listening to High Price by Ciara featuring Ludacris

all she has to do is ask

my mom just told me to pack my shit and go to americus to stay with my father. i replied, i've been with you my whole life, why would i leave now. she said go. i said fuck that, i aint goin nowhere. and im not. i don' respond to yelling, so if she wants me to leave all she has to do is ask. and i will. i'll pack my shit. head to athens. pick up my television and my fridge and be on my merry way. and she'll never have to see me again. its that simple.

all she has to do is ask. and now my father's day post is fucked up, which is what you'll see tomorrow.

currently listening to sometime by britney spears

i wish

so i'm probably gonna do this every week. i might even just make this into an i wish blog since all i seem to do is wish for shit that will never happen. so here's i wish #1, you can thank x for this.

J says:
so
talk to me x
tell me something
xzero! says:
i am worrie
*worried
i wish i was with my friends
i wish i had my own room
i wish i had cash
a job
i wish i had a boyfriend
J says:
i wish i had a bed to sleep in
i wish i had two contacts to use instead of one
i wish i didnt know what love was
i wish my ear wasn't bleeding
xzero! says:
i wish i had good sex
tonight
i wish i knew HE was okay
instead of a certain one saying that if wasnt, he would enjoy it
J says:
i wish the good days outnumbered the bad days and the interesting days
i wish the one i loved loved me back
i wish
xzero! says:
i wish i had a fuckin uncle nephew sitaufuckination
I WISH J WOULD REALIZE THAT I LOVE HIM
I WISH DAFT PUNK HAD MORE THAN ONLY GOOD THREE SONG
J says:
i wish i believed that
i wish i could believe the truth
xzero! says:
i wish i could find love
J says:
i wish love would find u
xzero! says:
;_;
i got homies in the end
still so lonely
J says:
i wish kanye would have never wrote heartless
i wish it didnt remind me of her
xzero! says:
i wish it didnt remind me of deadeyes
J says:
i wish i wasnt a dumb, jealous fuck
xzero! says:
i wish ZIPLOCK would love me
J says:
i wish i wasn't damaged goods
xzero! says:
i wish i wasnt a virgin
i wish i was straight
J says:
i wish i was a virgin
i wish i didnt have a daddy complex
i wish i didnt have a mommy complex
i wish i could sleep at night
i wish i could fuckin sleep
i wish he never touched me
i wish i never touched him back
xzero! says:
i think i am going to make an I wish blog
and i wish you would do one too
J says:
i will
xzero! says:
so we can be the same
i wish you would call it
i wish
like i will
J says:
i wish u didnt make me laugh
xzero! says:
i wish you wouldn't laugh when I dont try to be funny
J says:
i wish i didnt like u
xzero! says:
i wish -- WHOA CALM DOWN THERE
J says:
i wish wishing was a sin
xzero! says:
*making the blog
J says:
FUCK x FUCK
xzero! says:
FUCK J FUCK

currently listening to Cancer by My Chemical Romance

cali

i went fish shopping today and narrowed it down to two fishes. a big black one that looks like one of the fishes from Finding Nemo, and a really big goldfish. i don't know if i'm gonna get either but i'd be happy with one of them. i'm gonna wait a week before i buy the fish and look for something more exotic.

currently listening to Weak by SWV

how come i cant, miss a woman like i cant miss courtdates

i have a problem. two problems to be exact. maybe three, but really just two.

1. sex
2. guys
3. im stoopid
   

one.

i like sex. maybe more than i should. a lot more than i should. but i like it and would go as far as saying i love sex. i didn't eat today but i had sex. and there's the problem. how can i give up a great meal for some okay sex? or even some great sex?¹ it just doesn't make since, but in the mind of J it does. i have a problem with sex.

two.

i like guys. but never the ones i should. i always like the ones i shouldn't like. i also have an affinity for drug dealers. don't ask me why. most of the guys i've been with were drug dealers. i don't do drugs just so you know. the guy i've been chillin' with for the last two days is a drug dealer. he's also "straight" and has a babymoms and a daughter that he lives with. but for the last two days he's been wih me. and thats the problem.

three.

i'm stoopid. i even spell he word wrong on purpose because i'm stoopid. i don't know why people swear i'm smart. they also think i'm good with computers but i don't know shit about computers. but i am stoopid and i realized how stoopid i am the last two days. i always find myself in these situations. all these situations can be avoided, but i always dive head first into these situations.

so while i was sitting in my car tonight in the midst of one of these situations i started thinking. but then i stopped. i didn't wanna think i wanted to talk to someone and get their take on the situation. i called shots, got a voicemail. called k, no answer. and then i said fuck it and started talking to myself. basically yelling at myself for being a stoopid, dumb fuck². and during the conversation i came to the conclusion that i have three problems.

1. sex
2. guys
3. stupidity

and the only solution is to stop. no more sex³. no more guys⁴. no more being stoopid⁵.

currently listening to Every Girl by Young Money

1. i mean my shit is on some EPIC shit. jus ask ya dads.
2. i had this same conversation the night before with myself, x, and S. somehow x convinced me i wasn't stoopid. too bad he was wrong.
3. i've said this before. and i'll probably say it again. i can go a week, maybe 2 but i have a plan. everytime i get the urge to have sex i'll just go workout or jerk. simple enough.
4. i'm making one maybe two exceptions. i'm currently in a relationship, kinda. but he's in mexico. if he comes back then i will sex him up and see him on a daily basis. i also gave up vagina a few weeks back. so i think giving up guys shouldn't be too hard.
5. i know these situations are stoopid. the voices in my head tell me they are, but i do them anyway. so i just have to start trusting my instincts.

imma fuck the world, but this is foreplay

i'm sorry i assume all guys enjoy gay sex. i'm sorry. thats just how my mind works. i'm sorry i mistook your glances at me as foreplay. what the fuck was i thinking when i caught you looking at me looking a you? i'm sorry that i was bored and thought you wanted to play. it happens to the best of us sometimes, and today jus wasn't my day. but i'm really sorry at he fact that you were secure enough in your sexualliy that my advances at you were welcomed with a smile and an introducion to the woman sitting beside you. i just hope your girl can work out all those insecurities she has within herself and her relationship, because the way she stormed out reminded me of my 5 year old cousin.

but i'm still sorry.

currently lisening to 25 Reasons by Nivea

im black, so you know i got skills

i don't know if i've ever talked about this, but i use to rap. i have a pretty sick flow if i say so myself. i even have a rap name. i actually have two different rap names because i was in two different rap groups. neither one got off the ground. neither one was too serious. mostly for fun. one was jazzy j (don't ask why, its not important but i think it has something to do with the fresh prince). the other was upperkase. or upperKase with the k backwards. i think my former best friend came up with this name. he was also the guy that taught me the first 8 notes of hey there delilah.

but yeah, thought i'd mention it since i just wrote a sick 16 bars over some random song i just found. everyone can thank shots for this, because he had to be CHEESY and quote some lame ass rap song in the previous post which in turn got stuck in my head and prevented me from sleeping which in turn made me surf the web until i found something that could get the other song out of my head which i eventually found and then in turn got so inspired by it, because i'm not your boyfriend, and felt i could relate to the topic and spit some knowledge over it. if we're all lucky i'll try and record it in my father's studio while i'm visiting him over the next two days.

wish me luck. haven't spent this much time with the father since i was...six, maybe seven, but probably eleven.

currently listening to I'm Not Your Boyfriend, Baby by 3OH!3

drowning

i'm afraid of water. i'm an aquarius and i'm afraid of water. big ponds. small oceans. even lakes. i'm also afraid of heights. but the thing i'm most afraid of is the future. mostly because i'm afraid of death. i just can't handle it. i've never been to a funeral in my life. and i've only been to a cemetary three times. the last time i went i was nine. i'm nineteen now.

i believe a god. i don't believe in religion. i don't believe in hell. but i wanna believe in heaven. but the whole idea of living forever in this otherworld sounds like hell to me. i just feel like i would get bored. and in this heaven will i get to meet everyone that has ever died. will i be drinking mamossas with MLK? slow grinding with Aaliyah? or just relaxing with my grandmoms? the whole concept really confuses me, but i wanna believe. i need to believe. i have to believe. but i don't think i can. i need a religion. i need something to believe in, but i feel the little religion i had is slipping out the window and today was the first day i said i don't belive in God out loud.

i said it twice.

i feel like i'm drowning...

currently listening to Let Me by Pleasure P