true believers

religion is a tough thing for me. i was raised to believe in God. i was also raised to be Christian. but somewhere around the age of eleven there was a disconnect. i started noticing my surroundings and there were littlethings that didn't feel right. things that didn't seem to be "christian" so i stopped going to church.

i'm at the stage where i'm starting to ask questions. and seek out the answers.

i had a two hour discussion with a european guy today about religion and god. i just wish i could sit down with a preacher or someone to just ask some questions, because some things just don't sit right with me. there are aspects of the Christian faith that make me...uncomfortable.

"are you a believer" he asked.

"in what?"

"in god"

" i don't know really," i relpied. "i'm at this point where i'm starting to ask questions."

"this universe is not running by itself, so it has to be god."

"okay...maybe buddha's running it."

he then proceded to laugh out loud before he gave a smug reply of "i think its a little bigger than buddha," and continued his laughing.

"i'm being serious, there are so many religions in the world does that mean that your religion is the only real one. if so does that mean that the rest of the world is doomed to hell?"

" i think so" he said, and i sat in silence for a few seconds.

and this is why i have a problem with religion. the fact that there are billions of people in the world that don't believe in god. they believe in their own religion and their own god, whomever or whatever it may be. that these people could be the most loving and giving people in the universe, with their only fault being their religion. and because they believe in something or someone else, they're doomed to spend an eternity in pain.

this just doesn't sit well with me. it makes me uncomfortable.

currently listening to Disarm by the Smashing Pumpkins

i wish

so i'm probably gonna do this every week. i might even just make this into an i wish blog since all i seem to do is wish for shit that will never happen. so here's i wish #1, you can thank x for this.

J says:
so
talk to me x
tell me something
xzero! says:
i am worrie
*worried
i wish i was with my friends
i wish i had my own room
i wish i had cash
a job
i wish i had a boyfriend
J says:
i wish i had a bed to sleep in
i wish i had two contacts to use instead of one
i wish i didnt know what love was
i wish my ear wasn't bleeding
xzero! says:
i wish i had good sex
tonight
i wish i knew HE was okay
instead of a certain one saying that if wasnt, he would enjoy it
J says:
i wish the good days outnumbered the bad days and the interesting days
i wish the one i loved loved me back
i wish
xzero! says:
i wish i had a fuckin uncle nephew sitaufuckination
I WISH J WOULD REALIZE THAT I LOVE HIM
I WISH DAFT PUNK HAD MORE THAN ONLY GOOD THREE SONG
J says:
i wish i believed that
i wish i could believe the truth
xzero! says:
i wish i could find love
J says:
i wish love would find u
xzero! says:
;_;
i got homies in the end
still so lonely
J says:
i wish kanye would have never wrote heartless
i wish it didnt remind me of her
xzero! says:
i wish it didnt remind me of deadeyes
J says:
i wish i wasnt a dumb, jealous fuck
xzero! says:
i wish ZIPLOCK would love me
J says:
i wish i wasn't damaged goods
xzero! says:
i wish i wasnt a virgin
i wish i was straight
J says:
i wish i was a virgin
i wish i didnt have a daddy complex
i wish i didnt have a mommy complex
i wish i could sleep at night
i wish i could fuckin sleep
i wish he never touched me
i wish i never touched him back
xzero! says:
i think i am going to make an I wish blog
and i wish you would do one too
J says:
i will
xzero! says:
so we can be the same
i wish you would call it
i wish
like i will
J says:
i wish u didnt make me laugh
xzero! says:
i wish you wouldn't laugh when I dont try to be funny
J says:
i wish i didnt like u
xzero! says:
i wish -- WHOA CALM DOWN THERE
J says:
i wish wishing was a sin
xzero! says:
*making the blog
J says:
FUCK x FUCK
xzero! says:
FUCK J FUCK

currently listening to Cancer by My Chemical Romance

drowning

i'm afraid of water. i'm an aquarius and i'm afraid of water. big ponds. small oceans. even lakes. i'm also afraid of heights. but the thing i'm most afraid of is the future. mostly because i'm afraid of death. i just can't handle it. i've never been to a funeral in my life. and i've only been to a cemetary three times. the last time i went i was nine. i'm nineteen now.

i believe a god. i don't believe in religion. i don't believe in hell. but i wanna believe in heaven. but the whole idea of living forever in this otherworld sounds like hell to me. i just feel like i would get bored. and in this heaven will i get to meet everyone that has ever died. will i be drinking mamossas with MLK? slow grinding with Aaliyah? or just relaxing with my grandmoms? the whole concept really confuses me, but i wanna believe. i need to believe. i have to believe. but i don't think i can. i need a religion. i need something to believe in, but i feel the little religion i had is slipping out the window and today was the first day i said i don't belive in God out loud.

i said it twice.

i feel like i'm drowning...

currently listening to Let Me by Pleasure P