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when asked the question if you could change anything about yourself what would it be, most people say i would change nothing. i like who i am. its me. and everytime i think to myself why must they lie. the same goes for the question, is there anything in your life you regret. saying no, is a typical answer. yet its usually a lie.

i fall victim to this. we all have at one point in our life. i do it everyday. everyday i wake up and tell myself i'm okay. and for the most part i am, but there are those moments where life is just meaningless. the sun isn't as bright as it usually is. and i just feel blank. empty of emotions with one lingering thought in my head.

if i could change anything about myself or about my life i wouldn't. but truthfully speaking i would change a lot. i would change the fact that i was molested as a child. i would change the fact that i didn't have a father growing up. i would change the fact that i will never be truly honest open with anyone, because they're are just some things i'm afraid to let people i care about know. i would change the fact that i love to easily. i would change the fact that i'm honestly lost in this world, and don't know what i want. i sit and watch television shows and movies where the main character's biggest proble is the fact that his/her family has "a plan" for them. they usually hate this plan and want nothing to do with it, but i envy them. i wish someone had my entire life planned out for me. because for the last nineteen years i've lived a life full of impulses. some good and some bad.

do i regret anything i've done in my life. probably not, but if i did i'd regret everytime i gave into that impulse to drop to me knees. to open my mouth. or to spread my legs.

life sucks sometimes, but you just have to deal with it.

my father told me something once. i was six years old and was crying. he saw the tears roll down my face and started screaming at me as he forcibly took his t-shirt that i was wearing. "real men don't cry J. aint no son of mine gone be a pussy and cry. take my damn shirt off. you aint no marine man, take my damn shirt off boy. you betta learn how to deal with shit cause it aint gone get no better. and aint no son of mine gone run around here and cry. you betta deal with this shit."

currently listening to Smashing Pumpkins