letter to athens

Dear Athens,

It was nine months ago when we first met. You weren't like the other cities I visited, there was something special about you. You reminded me of home, but you were different. You were better, but I didn't expect for you to change me the way you did. I was a lost boy when we met, but now I'm well on my way to becoming the man I know I can be, and I have you to thank for that.

Me and you have been through a lot this past year, but you were always there when I needed you. If I ever needed some time to think things over then I knew all I had to do was walk outside, lay on the grass, and look at your night sky. It was always so peaceful and serene and the reason I stayed sane. There were many nights when I just needed to get away and you showed me how. All it took was a quick walk, a quick jog and everything fell in place. It never failed and I knew everything would work out somehow, and it always did.

You introduced me to my first boy crush and what a whirlwind of emotions that was. Never before had I felt any of those emotions and at times it was overwhelming, but I survived and I'm glad it happened.

You introduced me to a few people that I hope remain apart of my life for a long time. Each one has left an imprint on my heart, and they deserve nothing but the best. I'm gonna miss each and everyone, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to be apart of their lives.

Athens though our time was short, I will never forget everything that happened. Only you and I know all the shit that truly happened, and if walls could talk then they would only tell half the story. But if the sky could talk then....

Yours Truly,
J
the muthafuckin inebriated one

the list

Well I didn't get to far before I just gave up on doing anything today besides drawing, writing, and researching loans. But I did eat, didn't shower, no medicine yet, and my mom still has my car. But life goes on.

So here we go. Something new I want to start doing is my list of things I want to do within the next year. A lot of them involves random things I wanna do once I get to cali, but some of them are things I need to do this summer. Its a pretty long list, but I'm giving myself a year to do them and I'll be adding to the list whenever something new pops into my head.

• finish writing my movie script
• write a comic
• learn guitar
• learn to swim
• learn to surf
• go to circle k with x! and buy lunchables
• go to disneyland and enjoy it
• ride a rollercoaster
• go to Canada
  
• travel outside the country
  
• meet another blogger
• stay in a relationship for more than 2 weeks
• draw more
• make a new friend
• come out the closet
• find a job
• watch "I Know Who Killed Me" with shots
• watch "the Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with shots
• go to a gay club
• join a gay teen/youth group
• get a tattoo
• see a therapist, maybe
• draw a self-portrait each week
• learn to make layouts
• learn css, html, and xhtml
• go to circle K with x! and buy pitas
• take sticky pics with shots
• go to a concert
• learn korean
• go to Vietnam or China
• learn to dj
• write more
• go to White Castle
• meet Tigguh & Pooh
  

currently listening to:Earth Intruders-Bjork

ugh

i really hate myself right now, but thats okay. we all deserve a day to just hate ourselves for a moment. this is mine. i need to eat and take my pills and shower and go for a run. ugh. but i dont have my car. i didn't lose it my mom just stole it. but maybe now ill have some gas. yay me? but yeah. i need to eat and take my pills. avent taken them in three days. maybe thats why i feel so shitty. and my chest hurts. but yeah maybe ill actually post the posts i've had in que for the last three days. they're kinda long and sappy but in a good way. so yeah. gotta eat. and shower. dammit and make a mothers day card.

[pause]

one question. if somebody wifes me up, do i get a mothers day card?

currently listening to:Georgia On My Mind-Ray Charles

overeacted

Disregard the last post, I was being a little emotional but I'm okay now. Talked to Lush and her life is basically in the crapper so we made each other feel better. Also had a quick talk with my mother, so we're gonna see what we can do about this housing money. So yeah life could be worse. And I made an A- in my art history class and a 93.5 on my final. So my scholarship is secured, and somehow that C- in the class I had before the final went to an A-. So yeah, I guess someones looking out for me.

currently listening to:Playing In Her Hair-the Dream

acceptance

I didn't see it coming, but I should have. It never fails. I get my hopes up and I'm always disappointed. I don't know why I always let this happen, but I do. I should be happy right now, but I'm not. Sad would be an understatement. I got my official acceptance letter to Otis today and the only thing I can do is hide in the garage and cry. Life really sucks right now.

Inside the acceptance letter came my housing information. It basically states that I have to pay my housing before finalncial aid is disperesed, and after it is I'll be reimbursed my housing fee. The problem is the money is due June 1, and I know I'm not going to have the money. So yeah, looks like my cali dreams are over before they even began. I shouldv'e seenthis soming, because it happens everytime. But I truly thought it would be different this time. Thoought my luck was changing. Guess I was wrong.

Looks like I'm going to the army and back to my ol' pessimistic self when shit hurt less. I tried this happy shit, and it doesnt work.

*cue emo music

currently listening to:Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap

gushes

Damn, I have no clue what he's saying or what language he's speaking but I want to learn. I never understood the obsession with Tae Yang, but I'm a fan now. The only thing I got out of it was uh oh, crazy in love, and i think im in love. Thanks Mark for sharing.

WAHHHHHHHH

So apparently I'm gay. And me saying I'm bi is just a bunch of bullshit. I guess I can live with that, but this means that you're gay too and none of that "I'm bi" cause I refuse to be gay and lonely. So if you're gay then color me gay.

Okay that last line was a little gay, but its 2 in the morning what did u expect. And follow me on twitter, cause I only have four followers and that makes me sad. The link is over there --------------> under the life right now header.

currently listening to:Makes Me Wonder-Maroon 5

dodged a bullet

I've always been very talented when it came to dodging bullets, but I think today takes the cake. My phone just rang and I looked down and it said Grandma. I really don't wanna talk to her right now, but I answer it anyway. I say hello. They say hello, and turns out its actually my dad. So I'm thinking FUCK, I really don't wanna talk to him. But then he says "i think i have the wrong number," so I'm like HELL YEAH, dodged a bullet.

death of cali

I'm sitting here trying to study for my art history final tomorrow, and ended up in a conversation with Em, where I came to the conclusion that I probably won't be getting a pet fish anytime soon. At the moment it just doesn't make sense to buy one. My pet fish, Cali, was suppose to be a good luck charm so I would get admitted into Otis. Well I'm officially a student, so she served her purpose and I didn't even have to buy it.

The other thing is I live all the way on the east, and LA is way over there on the west. In my mind I plan on taking a road trip and driving to cali. It only takes a day and eight hours and if I divided that up over a few days then it shouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately, the powers that be aren't really feeling this idea. I've always wanted to take a road trip, but they don't seem to care. They plan on buying me a plane ticket and shipping my stuff. Which is reasonable, but it also means I will be without a car and unable to drive up to Upland every weekend to see my baby x. Sad right, but I guess I'll survive. There's always public transportation and I actually enjoyedd riding the busses this year, I always meet random people that always have a story to tell.

So basically either way my poor fish, Cali, would not make the trek out west, and would probably end up dying like most of my characters during a game of Oregon Trail. So I think I'm gonna put the fish on hold and try to come up with a new name for him/her. Right now Blog and Freshy is winning, but I'm up for suggestions. I want smething random or weird nothing normal like Penelope. I mean what the fuck was she thinking when she named her fish that.

HELP

this has nothing to do with my blog, but i figured there has to be at least one twiiter person reading this. I have a twitter, but I don't use it because for some reason my phone doesnt work with twitter. I blame alltel, because alltel is the reason i can no longer do my myxertones and a couple of other free shit. Twitter says my phone is not sms compatible or something like that, but thats some bull. I know my phone is sms compatible because I've blogged from my phone and tumbld from my phone on several occasions. Also my phone was just updated with something, don't know what, but it was important. So is there anyway to bypass this nonsense, so I can twit from my phone. Or should I basically just give up like I have for the last month. The bright side of this is if I can twitter, that means I can go back to one post a day instead of the two or three i've been doing as of late.

currently listening to:Come Follow Me-Usher

i tend to lose my car

I tend to lose my car on a daily basis. Sometimes I recover quickly and realize where I parked it. Other times I'm not so lucky. Today was one of those days. I left my dorm, walked down the stairs, crossed the street, and entered my parking lot. Headed towards where I parked my car and noticed the spot was empty. My car was gone.

The first thing I always think when I get into this position is what happened to my first car, and then I get a little flustered. I think my car is towed, I jump up and down for a second, then I tell myself to think. I think for a bit and and start pressing the panic button in all directions. If I can't hear the car then I assume its been towed. Its a reasonable assumption since I owe UGA a 40 dollar parking ticket and they're known for towing and putting boots on people's cars, like a 12 o'clock class on Wednesday.

After a few minutes have passed I give up the search for my car and begin heading back to my dorm, with my head hung low. "Dammit, moms is gonna be mad" I think but in the corner of my eye I see a familiar piece of furniture. It's my car. Turns out I parked closer than what I thought I did. I hop in the car, head to the dining hall, and notice Posh is calling me. I answer and have a thirty minute conversation laughing my ass off.

All is well in my post acceptance world. Things are truly looking up.

currently listening to:Breathe Me-Sia

accepted

Found out a day ago I was accepted to Otis College of Art and Design. I found out today I was accepted into the Lamar Dodd School of Art, here at UGA. So it looks like my future is secure for the moment. Come August I will be making the move to LA and will not be looking back at Georgia. I love Georgia, it helped make me who I am, but my future is not here, so I'm not sad to leave all of the baggage, the drama, and the sex behind and move to the better coast.


Oh yeah, Mark suggested I watch Fight Club last night and I did. One word. EPIC. I love this movie. Also be on the lok out for a few new things I wanna start doing on my blog. I think its gonna be similar to some of the things Ranting On Screen has been doing for a while, and I like the feel of his blog. So why not? And I think the roommate is leaving tomorrow, because he's finally taking down his shrine off the wall.

currently listening to:Because of You-Ne-Yo

the journey begins

i am 19. i am [trying to be] me. i don't smoke. i lie.
i write. i draw. i read. i capture [moments].
i sing [in the shower][in the car][in my sleep]. i blog.
i doodle. i am impulsive. i [over]think. i am emotional.
i [people] watch. i am compassionate. i scream. i am sarcastic.
i am proud. i think [therefore i am?]. i am shy. i am black.
i am insecure. i am confident. i am oxy[moronic]. i procrastinate.
i sleep. i dream. i am sad. i am happy. i am nonresponsive.
i [will] have a fish. i listen. i think. i speak [up]. i dream some more.
i love. i hate. i dislike. i fall [too quick]. i dream some more.
i hope. i pray. i see. i am blind. i [dont] give up. i am j.

currently listening to:We Made You-Eminem

lets play a game

Being that I'm in a happy mood I figured I'd play a game. I'm gonna list some things and I want you to guess what they all have in common. If you guess right then you win a prize(the satisfaction of knowing you were right and you know something about your favorite blogger). So here is the list.

• a pilot
• three drug dealers
• a couple of students
• a professor
• a business owner
• a football player
• a construction worker
  
• an alien

currently listening to:Blame It On Me-Chrisette Michelle

fighting insomnia

I'm fighting insomnia again, too bad it looks like I'm gonna lose the battle again tonight. I did learn a few things so I guess the night/morning isn't a complete waste.

1. I may not be anyones musical soulmate(the idea of a musical soulmate is a bunch of nonsense anyway), but I do have great taste in music, britney aside
2. The first song my acoustic vocoder band will record is Heartless

why you ask? Because its the only way to perform the song. Acoustic and Vocoderish. Plus if anyone can really do this song some justice, infuse it with pain, soulless vocal riffs, and convey the emotions it has to be me. I think Kanye wrote this song just so I could start a band and perform it and God created single, gay, 5'8, small dicked, asian guys to provide me with inspiration.

why'd ya have to be so doctor evil?
ya bringin' out a side of me that i don't know

Wait, scratch all of that about the asian guy. Its amazing what you can discover at six in the morning when you take time to read lyrics to a song. Heartless is all about me and K. Its all about me and K and I'm so dumb and naiive to never have noticed that.

how could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
just REMEMBER that you talking to ME yo
YOU need to WATCH the way YOU TALKING to ME yo

So cocky, so motherfuckin cocky. But underneath all of that cockiness is someone hurt. Like seriously hurt. He loved this chick and she did something to destroy him, and now he's mad.

i mean after all the things that we been through
i mean after all the things we got into

He's still holding on. He can't understand that after everything. All the drama, all the cheating, all the sex, all the drugs, all the suicide attempts, after everything they've been through together why is it over now.

you got a new friend, well i got homies

Has to be the gayest line ever. You got a new love, but got dammit I got my boys. Yeah, definately gay.

but in the end its still so lonely

Even after the entire verse of bullshitting he knows he's still lonely. I'm guessing the homies wouldn't put out. Poor gayfish.

And now its 6:23 and I can actually see the sun rising. Maybe I should get some sleep now. This post will probably be deleted as soon as I wake up, for the simple fact that I said this song is about me and K and its not. I also have a bump in my head and it bothers me.

*palm to face

le sigh

currently listening to:Heartless-the Fray

one problem

I'm about to head back to athens now. Home was fun, and I think I'm coming back Friday. My moms gave me a whole week to relax before the job search commences, so I think I shall spend it relieving high school experiences that I missed.

Oh yeah, I think I shall start a band. An all acoustic band. With me and my vocoder. One problem though. I only know the first eight notes to hey there delilah, my guitar is out of tune, and I don’t have a vocoder. Any suggestions.

J & K. Patron & Purp. and A keeps eyein me from across the room, damn it feels good to be home right now even if its just for one night. Maybe i should call the moms and tell her im not at school cause if the night ends how i think it will, theres no way im gonna make it back to school by eleven.
-J

4

I need to be honest for a second.

But I don't know how. I've written and erased and started over on this post more than three times, and the only thing that has remained constant is that first line. So maybe I should focus less on trying to be coherent?(I don't think thats the right word) and focus more on what I wanted to say in this post.

It's 5:12 and I'm sleepy.

It's 5:32 and my ear is bleeding. I've been writing and deleting everything I say because I know there will be some oblique reference that someone I care about will read. They'll read it and they won't make a comment about it on here, but they'll ask me about it later. I'll probably lie to them and say it was no big deal. It wasn't about you. Or something along those lines, because I don't want them to know how important they are to me.

I think some people can handle that knowledge. Others can't.

I've been listening to Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" for the last hour. The song came out in 2001, I think. I was 11. It was also the year that everything changed. 2001 will always be the year I relate to "the year everything changed" because it did. I was 11. Aaliyah died that year. September 11 happened. I met K. I began masturbating. I almost lost my virginity. Everything really did change that year, but I could never understand this song. I didn't even like Maxwell. I was 11, what the fuck did I look like listening to Maxwell for. He was for the grown and sexy and I was 11. This was also the year I fell in love with Pink.

Like I said, everything changed that year. "Family Portrait," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "My Vietnam," all songs that I could relate too, and I loved every second I spent listening to it. I also realized that segregation was not over and racism still existed. I guess if there was one thing I could change about 2001 it would be that. There was a incident in the gym one morning, I wanna say August 23. Not sure about the date though. All I know is this was the day I realized that my world was divided into two camps. Black and White. And if you weren't white then you were black. No questions asked. I didn't understand it, but I quickly learned and obeyed this rule.

Its 5:48 and this post isn't turning out how I wanted it to. It was suppose to be all the things I want to say, but never do because I don't want to offend anyone. So I guess I'll just list what I wanted to address but failed to.

• the fact that i push people away on purpose
• i'm not worthy of the people i push away which is why i do it
• the fact that more than one person has said to me "i don't know why i put up with you"
• i don't know why you put up with me either which is why i push you away
• the fact that earlier this week and earlier today i thought about cutting myself
• i would never do it, because it would hurt, but i know how and where i would
• how: my trusty x-acto knife
• where: legs maybe, hands definately, arms maybe, wrists never cause thats jus crazy
• if someone asks me about this, i will vehemently deny it and call you crazy
  
• the fact that im sinical when people say they care for me
• the fact that i actually care for these same people but cant fathom why they care for me
• have to pray for x
• robby was m.i.a. today
  
• no one said nonsense or told me i need jesus today
• ks actually reads this?
  
• i think i spelled sinical wrong
• other random things that i cant remember because its 6:03 and now i'm hungry

So lets end on a high note. My moms said yes to the fish idea. So as soon as I get in Savannah we're going fish buying, but now I kinda want a pet turtle instead. But what I really want is a pet panda, supposedly they sale them in Chinatown in downtown LA. But you have to talk to the right person, and yoou have to be Asian. But if you find these secret minitaure pet pandas they also have pet giraffes and lions, but no hungry, hungry hippos. And being that I still view the world through my childhood eyes I actually believe this. And if I fins out that this is all a lie, Ill be pretty sad, because I already named by pet panda.

Its 6:10 and I'm finally gonna go to sleep. I've been up 23 hours, but all I want is a cookie. Sugar preferably. But all I have are Girl Scouts.

currently listening to:This Woman's Worth-Kate Bush

urge

I have this incredible urge to buy myself a pet fish right now. I blame Em, because she bought herself a fish a few weeks back and I named it Philadelphia. The problem is she didn't like the name and went against my better judgment and named it Penelope. Yeah, the name lacks character. But both my brothers have had pets in the past, but I've never had one. So I think its about time that I get one. I even have a name for it. Cali. Nice right, a whole lot better than Penelope. So I'm on this crusade to convince my moms to buy me a fish Sunday. My plan at the moment is to somehow convince her its a way to commemorate all my success and failures of Freshman year.

currently listening to:Pretty Wings-Maxwell

fortyfour

44.

portfolio number. thats what i am now. and will be until may 8th. number 44. if i pass, then my back up plan is secured. if i fail, then i have to get into otis or i'm basically fucked. funny. fucked and fourtyfour both start with Fs. and if i get an F this semsedter then i really am fucked. and that people is the irony of being a nineteen year old black boy, scratch that, young man. living. attending. hiding. in this straight world.

currently listening to:This Woman's Work-Maxwell