southern inebriation

died.

2009-08-05T03:35:00.002-04:00

so this blog is basically over.. its full of nonsense and shit that should have never been told. i met a bunch of people. fell in love with some of them. and now i wish some would just disappear. abracadabra. yeah, they're still here. but i'm not. so this is goodbye, but you can always catch me at my other blog be.kind.cali. theres nothing there but there will be eventually. its all about the new respectable j that mister jace young III made me into these last 8 months. but yeah.

be.kind.cali.

be there before the adventure starts.

307

2009-07-26T15:14:00.002-04:00

these questions comes from robby over at overrated integrity.

How do you define liberty?

liberty is probably a word i've only used in school. it may even be apart of the pledge, but i'm not sure since i haven't said it since graduation. i'm not even sure what the word really means. to me it's just a character on degrassi, something you've probably never heard of. so i took the time to look up the word just to see how webster defines it which basically comes to the condition of being free from restrcition or control. which basically means liberty does not exist. there's no way possible liberty could exist in the modern world, if it did the world would cease to exist. there would be chaos and mass hysteria. so i can't define liberty because i don't think liberty exists.

What purpose do emotional connections have?

i think the only purpose of emotional connections is to make us feel human. to feel like we matter and we're a part of something. they help us feel important. feel needed. they just help us feel. if i didn't have any emotional connections then i don't think life would be worth living. why live if you there's no point. i think these emotional connections give us a reason to live.

Are you an individual archetype, or just a collection of thoughts and impulses?

i'm just a collection of thoughts and impulses. i find myself thinking a lot. 70 percent of the time that's what i'm doing. just thinking. and most of the time its about very random things or about things i can't control. and the other 30 percent of the time its me acting out on these impulses, which inturn makes me think even more. because the impulses are usually not good impulses. i never get the impulse to just clean my room or read a book. its always something like that i shouldn't be doing.

Which is better, pure reason, or conceptual understanding?

conceptual understanding is better at least i think so. you can have a great reason to do something, but if no one understands why you did it then there really wasn't a point to do it. and if it goes horribly wrong then how can we know how to stop it the next time or fix it.

Why do people, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still cling to the bronze age belief in god?

i think its quite simple and obvious while people still believe in "the bronze age" belief in god. and it comes down to three simple thins. they believe, they fear, or they do as they're told. those who bellieve, do just that. they truly believe that god is real and thats all that matters. all the evidence in the world could say that god isn't real, but it wouldn't matter because they just believe. they have faith. then there are those who fear. the fear that there's a chance that god could actually exist, so if they don't believe they fear what may happen at the last judgement. and then there are those who just do as they're told. they were brought up with the belief that god is real, so they believe that. whether they truly believe he's real or not doesn't matter. they were taught to believe so they continue believing it.

How would the world change if we discovered the existence of an intelligent extraterrestrial civilization?

i think earth would implode. i'm pretty sure we would try to attack the extraterrestrial for fear they're gonna attack us and wipe us off first. they're will probably be a wave of suicides and many will say that the end of days are near. but personally, i would be excited about it. i think its stupid for us to think we're the only lifeform in the universe.

Does reality exist apart from your perception of it or is reality defined by your perception?

i think reality is defined by your own perception. cause in my reality god is real but in yours god is just a fictional character. i think people have a standard for what everyones reality should be like and if yours doesn't agree with it then there's something wrong with you. i think everyones reality is slighty different and is shaped by life expriences.

Define good and evil.

i don't think there's a thing as good and evil. there's no one who is truly evil and there is no one that is truly evil. they're just labels people use sometimes. i think the world is just a huge grey area.

Define thought.

thought is the act of thinking.

306

2009-07-24T01:31:00.002-04:00

yay more answers. robby yours are up next, then the rest of aeks and windy's and then there's a few questions that will get their own posts. thats how epic they are. i also have a few of shots i don't have answered also. and after reading through these i didn't answer two of mark's, so if you have any other questions i'd be glad to answer them.

Do you ever want to travel out of the country?

yes i want to travel around the world. if i could find someone who would pay for it then i would never stay in one place. i'm actually thinking about joing the peace corps or something similar when i finish with school.

If so then where are your 5 fave countries?

i wouldn't say these are my favorite five countries but these are the places i want to go to the most. i've always wanted to go to alasksa, but only during one of those 30 days of night periods. i really want to travel to Uganda one day also. its not one of the places you would call beautiful or that you hear about, but its somewhere i feel i need to visit one day and thats thanks to my participation in the invisible children organization. i would love to go to Australia or New Zealand and then somewhere in Asia like Vietnam or Malaysia.

If you could which language would you like to learn most?

i really wanna learn some more sign language. i know the basics and i know the alphabet so i think i'll try and teach myself some more. i'm trying to learn spanish at the moment also. my portuguese sucks but i can hold a decent conversation. so to answer the question i'd go with hmong. i have no clue when i would use it, but yeah. hmong.

Would you consider putting yourself on youtube? Not necessarily dancing just like documenting yourself or something.

yeah, i'm seriously thinking about doing that and slowly moving away from the blog format. maybe document my move from georgia to cali. so i'm pretty sure that i will ut myself and maybe a few of you on youtube one day.

What food would you say you regret eating (knowing you none). If not what's the nastiest thing you've ever tasted?

the nastiest thing i've ever eaten is brocoli. but the one thing i regret eating was the grape juice that turned out to be chocolate milk. the "how" is a longer and embarassing story but that one small carton of choclate milk is the reason i don't like chocolate today. i was traumatized as a child and now i don't eat chocolate.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? (fuckin hardest question ever)

yes it is, and i'm going to make it into a post of its on because i have a few similar questions.

What have you always wanted to learn but never got the chance to?

how to play the guitar and how to draw the perfect eye. i suck at eyes but i'm even worse at noses. i also want to learn how to DJ one day. thats another one of those long lists of hings i wanna be one day.

What X-men power would you want most? (Must actually name the X-man/Marvel character or you can go DC on me.)

DC sucks ass. i don't read their comics. i don't wwatch their shows. i'm a Marvel fan born and bred. and i'm gonna have to go with Rogue. she's always been my favorite X-Men and she now has her powers under control. what more could you ask for?

The Saturday's or Girls Aloud? (Don't answer this.)

how do you ask a question and then say don't answer it. yes my answer is pretty obvious, but i think only two people know how i would answer this. you and shots. so for those who don't know its all about the Saturdays. if you like great pop music then i would definately check out their debut album "Chasing Lights" its one of my favorites.

What's your favorite article of clothing?

it would have to be either athletic shorts or jogging pants. they're just really comfortable and i just feel good when i'm wearing them. i also think the sxiest thing a man could wear is jogging pants.

Do you have a childhood habit that you should have gotten rid of but haven't i.e. sucking your thumb, or carrying a blanky.

i was never a thumb sucker. i never carried a blanket. though my little brother has one and it goes wherever he goes and he's 14 now. so i don't think i have a childhood habit, atleast not one that i remember or one that would be considered bad.

What's the most 10 most played song on you iPod currently?

i actually have a last.fm account that you can look at to see all of my listening habits, but the most played songs on my ipod for the last 3 months are:

Blame It On Me by Chrisette Michele
When Love Takes Over by David Guetta ft. Kelly Rowland
Make Love by Keri Hilson
Gibberish by Ryan Leslie
Like a Surgeon by Ciara
Everytime by Britney Spears
Pretty Wings by Maxwell
First Love by Adele
Papparazzi by Lady GaGa
So Good by Day26

3 movies you've never seen but still want to.

fuck this is really hard cause i'm a movie buff and i want to say some classic films that people can go oooh and awww about but nothing is coming to mind. i wish i could say Fight Club but after you suggested it a few months ago i downloaded it, and its one of my favorites now. so i guess i'll go with Inglorius Bastards because i love anything Tarantino and he's the reason i want to become a director. the Veronica Mars movie because i love Kristen Bell and thats one of my favorite tv shows of all time. and lets go with Iron Man 2 or Spiderman 4, because i feel like these three movies basically sum me up as a person. Tarantino, Veronica Mars, and comic books. thats basically me.

How important is sex to you in a relationship? Will it make or break it?

this is a tough one. i've never been in a relationship without sex. all of my relationships started with sex and evolved into something more, but sex doesn't make or break a relationship for me. if i don't have that emotional connection then there will come a point where i'll get bored and will probbaly just stop having sex with the said person.

J. Lo's ass or Kim Kardashian's?

j.lo doesn't have an ass anymore. and i don't understand the whole obsession with kim kardashian. i'd take khloe anyday, she actually has a personality. but for the sake of the question i'd take jennifer lopez with or without the booty.

3 must see shows or one's that you're really into.

i'll just go with shows that are currently on tv or will be in the foll. i love anything joss whedon does and if you haven't seen Dollhouse on Fox then you're missing out on great television. i'm also a die hard Heroes fan. i've stuck with it since day one, and its gotten good again. and since i'm a reality tv buff i'm gonna have to say Tiny & Toya. i'm sure mark is the only person who reads this blog that knows what i'm talking about. but foreveryone else just turn to BET on Tuesday's at 9.

What would be your favorite weather conditions? The type that you go out and say it's a beautiful day.

i'm sure a lot of people will read this and be like "what a weird kid he is" but the perfect weather conditions for me would be a rainy day. i'm an aquarius and i love water. i'm afraid of big puddles of water like pools and oceans, but i love rain. a stormy day is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. its just so calming if you just take the time to appreciate it. plus i grew up in the country and i like to run barefoot in the rain.

If you could choose a desk job or school which would you choose?

i don't think i've ever told anybody this online or even thought about talking about this. but i've always wanted to be a math teacher. i love math with a passion. and thought seriously about becoming a math teacher when i got my scholarship because it would allow me to go and get my doctorate or doctoral degree in education. so i would definately choose a job at a school over a desk job. even though i would be a dope secretary.

305

2009-07-21T11:40:00.002-04:00

my cousin knows i'm gay. i kinda figured she did after she kept stealing my phone which had some questionable photos. no penises, i deleted all of those, but a few topless guys could be found on my phone. damn that asian blogger and his need to show off.

but either way she knows. and i figured she knew a while back and i know my family. they're the type to hold onto information until they see a chance to use it and hurt you the most. and thats what my cousin is doing. but she confirmed the fact she knew i was gay yesterday during an argument we were having. so now i'm preparing for my life to self destruct in three

two

one

either way i'm okay. she knows i'm gay. oh well. i'm MUTHAFUCKIN J. and i know things. things she doesn't know. things she doesn't want to know. tings that will fuck with her mind. but yeah, i guess my secrets out.

currently listening to Song and Cry by Jaydiohead

304

2009-07-19T21:31:00.002-04:00

i did a post earlier, but i'm bored now and figured i could knock out a few more questions. the first few were a little more sexually oriented and i figured i should balance that out with some light hearted questions and maybe some thought provoking ones, because i'm not all about sex. i haven't had sex in thirty days so i think someone should buy me a drink to celebrate(i don't drink but i love mountain dew).

from shots

if u could be another race would u?

i wouldn't want to be another race. i'm glad i'm black and not the stereotypical one at that. but i wouldn't mind being biracial maybe that mix would make my skin lighter so i could finally get a white ink tattoo.

if the world was gonna end but you could save 5 ppl, who would those 5 be?

i'm gonna assume that i'm not included in these five people that i can save. so i would have probably save

my mom
my OB
britney spears
taeyang
the smartest person in the world

i would save my mom because she's my mom. and no matter how much i don't like her i still lover her unconditionally. i would save my OB because i woulld need someone to vent to and someone who can keep me in check. i would save britney spears because she fuckin britney. plus we would have to repopulate the world somehow and she seems to be very fertile. i was torn between her and octomom, but britney won out. taeyang is for the OB, bu ti also like eye candy. and the smartest person in the world for the simple fact that he/she should know how to restart the world if it should end.

how many kids, boys/girls would u like to have one day?

for some reason i really wanna have eight kids. i don't really care how many boys or girls i have, but i really want eight. J and Jay plus 8 for the win!!!

would u rather lose ur taste buds or loose ur sense of smell?

i would rather lose my sense of smell. life isn't worth living if i can't taste my avorite foods. the sense of smell would be the first thing i would give up. next would be touch, then the ability to hear, then taste, and sight would be last.

if u could be in any movie, wut movie would u be?

i would have to be in some Quentin Tarantino movie. I just love anything he does and he's the reason i decided when i was thirteen that i wanted to become a director one day.

would u be a drag queen for a night and perform for a crowd if u got paid $300?

that seems a little cheap so i would say no.

if u had to get a tattoo, wut would it be of and where would u get it?

i would get the tattoo on my left had wrist. i've said this since i was eleven that i wanted a tattoo on my left hand wrist, but i still don't know what. i've thought about several things and even designed a few pieces and the ones that keep popping up revolve around 11:11 or a film strip of some sort.

meet britney spears and spend a whole day with her or win $5,000?

i thought about this for a long time since i saw you asked the question and i think i would have to spend the day with britney. that day would last longer than the the money.

if u can bring Danity Kane back together would u? and wut would u change about them this time? ex. give one singer more lines or less lines or tell one singer not be such an attention whore

if i could i would definately bring them back together. aubrey is not an attention whore and i don't think she's the reason they broke up. the only thing i would change is the fact that they were signed to bad boy. had they been on any other label they would still be together right now churning out great albums. danity kane was too much of a success to just be disbanded.

currently listening to Sucka 4 Love by Danity Kane

303

2009-07-19T17:16:00.002-04:00

i'm switching things up for the next few weeks. instead of talking about all the depressing times in my life i'm just gonna answer the questions a few people submitted. after i make the move to cali then i'll go back to the regular format. so if you have any other questions don't be afraid to submit them.

these questions come from windy city

why this stupid ask me a question list?

for the simple fact that my life has been depressing the past few weeks, and my love for blogging has been waning for a few weeks. so this is the easiest way to keep me in the blogging world, but also a way to let people get to know me a little better.

have you ever been paid for sex?

for me the definition of sex is anything with penetration so i wouldn't include oral sex if someone asked me if i had sex. so i've never been paid for sex. but i have been paid to give a guy a blowjob. i didn't ask for the money, but he gave it to me anyway. i think i blogged about it back in december. i never spent the money and i think i ended up giving it to some homeless guy, because i felt dirty and cheap afterwards.

have you ever paid for ssex?

i've never paid for sex. i'm way too cheap to do that.

who's your favorite porn star?

i'm not really big on studio porn but if i had to choose i like diesel washington and a few of the guys from the active duty stuff. mostly cole and damien.

who have you fucked that you won't admit to?

there's only one person that i've had sex with that i will never admit to anyone about. i'm not embarassed that we had sex and i'm not ashamed of the fact either. it was during high school and some of the best sex i've ever had, but to this day i've never told anyone about it.

Have you ever fingered yourself?

i've fingered myself a few times. its one of those rites of passage you have to do at least once in your life as a gay teen. its like riding a bike, if you don't try it then how do you know if you like it or not.

Do you own any sex toys?

i'm embarassed to admit this but i do own one sex toy. i got it late one night when i was coming from wal-mart and i noticed this sex store so i decided to stop in and take a look around. i was kinda disappointed in the sex shop, but that didn't stop me from buying a dildo. so thats my only sex toy, and i've had it for about four or five months now, but i'm embarassed to admit to that. DONT JUDGE ME.

Have you ever eaten your own cum?

i've tasted my cum twice. both times were by accident and unexpected, but it wasn't a bad thing. but i have this mental block that stops me from trying to taste my cum again, something in my mind just won't let me taste it so i don't know what it taste like now. and i guess the same thing can be same about swallowing other guys. i can't remember the last time i swallowed a guy, because i use to be crazy about that.

Have you ever videotaped yourself having sex?

to my knowledge i've been videotaped three times. none of these tapes exist anymore because i destroyed all of them in my attempt to become a respectable young man that my moms and this guy i was crushing on could be proud of. i think i've blogged about one of the times i not all three on the blog, but i'll have to go back and check.

Have you ever had group sex?

i've experienced group sex on several occasions. i don't see anything wrong with it and i've had fun each time i was apart of it. back in high school there were a few threesomes i was aprt of with A and one of his friends, and then there was that one night that ended up being recorded between me, Rick, and the lovely Julio.

i think i'll end the questions here for the moment. if theres anything you want to know just ask, i'll answer them as honestly as i can.

currently listening to Exceptional by JoJo

302

2009-07-17T04:03:00.002-04:00

when asked the question if you could change anything about yourself what would it be, most people say i would change nothing. i like who i am. its me. and everytime i think to myself why must they lie. the same goes for the question, is there anything in your life you regret. saying no, is a typical answer. yet its usually a lie.

i fall victim to this. we all have at one point in our life. i do it everyday. everyday i wake up and tell myself i'm okay. and for the most part i am, but there are those moments where life is just meaningless. the sun isn't as bright as it usually is. and i just feel blank. empty of emotions with one lingering thought in my head.

if i could change anything about myself or about my life i wouldn't. but truthfully speaking i would change a lot. i would change the fact that i was molested as a child. i would change the fact that i didn't have a father growing up. i would change the fact that i will never be truly ~~honest~~ open with anyone, because they're are just some things i'm afraid to let people i care about know. i would change the fact that i love to easily. i would change the fact that i'm honestly lost in this world, and don't know what i want. i sit and watch television shows and movies where the main character's biggest proble is the fact that his/her family has "a plan" for them. they usually hate this plan and want nothing to do with it, but i envy them. i wish someone had my entire life planned out for me. because for the last nineteen years i've lived a life full of impulses. some good and some bad.

do i regret anything i've done in my life. probably not, but if i did i'd regret everytime i gave into that impulse to drop to me knees. to open my mouth. or to spread my legs.

life sucks sometimes, but you just have to deal with it.

my father told me something once. i was six years old and was crying. he saw the tears roll down my face and started screaming at me as he forcibly took his t-shirt that i was wearing. "real men don't cry J. aint no son of mine gone be a pussy and cry. take my damn shirt off. you aint no marine man, take my damn shirt off boy. you betta learn how to deal with shit cause it aint gone get no better. and aint no son of mine gone run around here and cry. you betta deal with this shit."

currently listening to Smashing Pumpkins

301

2009-07-12T20:08:00.001-04:00

i'm depressed as fuck. so i'm taking a break. i still need 280 more questions. its the only way to guarantee my return.

see you guys soon

300

2009-07-12T02:28:00.002-04:00

i need 300 questions. ask me anything. but ask me NOW. if not here then email me please or message me. southern.inebriation@live.com

currently listening to Give It To Me Right by Melanie Fiona

i wish...

2009-07-11T20:33:00.003-04:00

...i could lay next to you.
...i could tumble every moment i think of you.
...i could get rid of this feeling.
...i wasn't pushing myself away from you.

just some wishful thinking i needed to get out of my system. but for some reason i suddenly feel depressed now. mostly because i'm thinking of you. i don't even know what this feeling is. i just know i felt the same thing for three months when i was obsessing over Al. the only way to describe it is it feels like a whale being pushed into a small can, while a war is going on in the background. i can't think clearly. i'm not motivated to do anything. my heart feels like its about to explode, my chest is cloudy, and my head feels like someone is constantly pounding it on the ground like they're trying to break open a piggybank.

if it wasn't for the miraculous return of mark and the EPIC, gut-busting makeup sex with robby i probably would've disappeared by now.

currently listening to Have You Ever by Brandy

BUT YEAH,

i guess my next post is the big 300. thought about doing something special and i still might, but i probably won't. but i've finally decided that i'm gonna do the "where you blog" game thats been floating around like wildfire. i've been tagged three times so i guess i have no choice.

bastard

2009-07-07T17:12:00.002-04:00

i feel like being random right now and revealing my favorite word of all time. if you haven'r guessed yet, its bastard. but i'm not allowed to say it at home. and i don't ever say the word. when i'm bored i usually scream out you bastard, or fuckin' bastard or some variation of that. i also get in bastard fights with my little brother from time to time. i think the word means someone wihout a father or someone who doesn't know who their father is. correct me if i'm wrong though. but yeah, i love the word bastard, but i never say it.

it makes me happy.

currently calling the financial aid office, they keep ignoroiong my calls tho.

faceless

2009-07-06T17:39:00.004-04:00

my heart hurts and my hands are shaking. i take a moment to try and stop, but nothing works. the deep breaths of the past fail me. i can no longer breathe. concentration doesn't work, because all i think about is you, the faceless guy i met on the street that cold summer's day.

i was goin through some old notebooks today and i found this paragraph in one of them i wrote. i dated this paragraph 7.01.04. fourteen was a weird year for me. a lot of things began happening around that time. but i can still relate to the emotions i wrote in that paragraph today. my heart actually is hurting right now, and my hands were shaking. they've sopped now. so its just weird that today when i was going through old notebooks of writings, drawings, and algebra homework i stopped on this page with this paragraph.

i think i'll finish this story soon.

currently watching Bonanza

i fail...

2009-07-06T02:08:00.002-04:00

....fore he is the galaxy, and i'm just a lowly star.

currently watching Independence Day

six in the morning epiphanies

2009-07-04T06:21:00.003-04:00

i'm tired of falling in love with people that are unavailable. emotionally, physically, and mentally.

i also miss robby. can't help but feel like if i would have let you apologize when you wanted that you'd still be around. i don't know why, but i always fel like if there was anyone that i could tell something to it was you. i never felt like you ever judged me. i guess thats why i miss you, because there's some shit i need to ge off my chest and i don't have anyone to tell it to. oh well, if you're reading this i miss you. ~~atleast you pretended like i had a chance, he he.~~

i'm also an ass. and i'm sleepy. and i have anger issues. and i los my inside voice when i moved to savannah. and i really don't like my little cousins. and my family is stupid. and my favorite cousin is probably gonna die, because he's a stupid 17 year old boy. and he's probably gonna die, and people are gonna be all sad, and i'm just gonna go on with my life like nothing has even happened. because i'm cold, and detached from my family, and i don't deal with death well.

and i miss robby. where are you yeezy?

and you should probably disregard this entire post. but i am tired of falling in love. maybe i'm the fool. maybe i'm the stupid one for believeing in love and all these other idealistic things. maybe i'm just a lie and the truth you spoke to me, was reality. either way i wish that childish, naive part of me that believes in fairy tales, and happy endings, and love, and all that mushy stuff would just die. cause i'm tired of laying awake at night dreaming. i don't wanna do it anymore. i wanna sink back down to reality. life was easier then when i didn't care. i'm tired of caring. why can't i say something mean without feeling like a stoopid fuck. why can't i be that person. why.

i don't sleep anymore. i can't do it. because i'm usually preocupied with thoughts of you, or him, or her. i had a dream about you last night. it was weird. i remember being someplace and looking up and there you were. staring down at me smiling. and then i woke up.

currently listening to Dance, Dance, Dance on My Face by Lykke Li

i also feel like i should mention i havent had sex in ten/eleven days. thats a long time for me. i need to disappear for a bit.....but i won't. oh yeah, hi mark, i miss you too.

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

2009-07-02T02:11:00.005-04:00

what kind of fuckery is his. do i give off some kind of scent. is it the pheromones. what the fuck is it. why are all the people i like in my fuckin life fuckin LACTOSE INTOLERANT. what kind of fuckery is that. i love my milk. i drink it on the regular. i love my pizza. i love my double cheeseburgers. i love my lasagna. i just love a fuckin cold glass of milk, but i can't have it. because everyone i like is fucking LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

bestfriend #4-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
bestfriend # 5-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
K-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
CUMMY-LACTOSE INTOLERANT
and now YOU

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!

i give up on life. i'm gonna go join a convent with the nuns.

currently listening to Scream by Michael Jackson ft. Janet Jackson

you disappoint me

2009-07-01T03:30:00.001-04:00

"hi," i said.

"hi," he replied.

"i'm J. i figured if x! liked you, you couldn't be too bad of a guy. plus i just read your comment about how no one talks to you on msn, so i figured why not."

"heheehehe...so x told you about me then, eh?"

"yeah, i asked him who you were cause i had a compulsion to become a headhunter and come find you, but luckily he told me not to cause you're his drill sergeant. so i said cool. he can live."

"what you mean by headhunter? x is a chill dude...quite unique."

"its a professional assasin, and yeah. he is, i've come to know that the past few months."

"southern inebriation, eh? where u located?"

"georgia, athens at the moment."

"cool, savannah here."

"thats crazy, my mom moved there after i graduated to live with my aunt."

"small world..."

and it really is. that first conversation still stands out in my mind. i've talked to many people online but most of them end within a day of two of chatting, but i knew from that conversation that we had a connection. you were a cool guy. had an interesting perspective on life. and you kept me laughing. you were a keeper. and i enjoyed our conversations.

we discussed everything from how x stole my word epic and how you picked it up and continue to use it as your own. to the fact that you're only out to one person in real life and how you told him in a foreign language, infront of a group of friends, but only you and him spoke the language. this was also during the time when i had an epic beard and i was Rick Ross, and not yet Kanye West. i liked you back then, but now i'm not so sure.

you disappoint me. because with all the knowledge and the truth you claim to have you still don't realize when to stop. you said a lot of things tonight and at first it was funny, funny ha ha look at the crazy drunk, but after a while it stopped being funny. you repeatedly said "u dont kno me" and you were completely right. everything i thought i knew about you was a lie, and if there's one thing i've learned from my dealings with K, when she drinks and gets in that frame of mind, its that...

a drunk never lies.

so i'm glad i know how you really feel about me now. it hurts, but i deserve it because i'm a bitch ass nigger that goes to fucking artschool and should get back on welfare. your words. i just hope you finally realize that you need help. if that means losing your job, then so be it. because from everything you said, and from what i gathered, your job is a major part of why you're so fucked up now. maybe its time to find something new. find a place where you're happy. cause no matter how stupid or naive you say i am, i can say i'm happy with myself.

can you say the same thing?

currently listening to Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

housing

2009-06-30T21:29:00.002-04:00

i need a place to stay in LA when i move in August. Any suggestions?

currently listening to Wake by the Antlers

true believers

2009-06-30T04:45:00.002-04:00

religion is a tough thing for me. i was raised to believe in God. i was also raised to be Christian. but somewhere around the age of eleven there was a disconnect. i started noticing my surroundings and there were littlethings that didn't feel right. things that didn't seem to be "christian" so i stopped going to church.

i'm at the stage where i'm starting to ask questions. and seek out the answers.

i had a two hour discussion with a european guy today about religion and god. i just wish i could sit down with a preacher or someone to just ask some questions, because some things just don't sit right with me. there are aspects of the Christian faith that make me...uncomfortable.

"are you a believer" he asked.

"in what?"

"in god"

" i don't know really," i relpied. "i'm at this point where i'm starting to ask questions."

"this universe is not running by itself, so it has to be god."

"okay...maybe buddha's running it."

he then proceded to laugh out loud before he gave a smug reply of "i think its a little bigger than buddha," and continued his laughing.

"i'm being serious, there are so many religions in the world does that mean that your religion is the only real one. if so does that mean that the rest of the world is doomed to hell?"

" i think so" he said, and i sat in silence for a few seconds.

and this is why i have a problem with religion. the fact that there are billions of people in the world that don't believe in god. they believe in their own religion and their own god, whomever or whatever it may be. that these people could be the most loving and giving people in the universe, with their only fault being their religion. and because they believe in something or someone else, they're doomed to spend an eternity in pain.

this just doesn't sit well with me. it makes me uncomfortable.

currently listening to Disarm by the Smashing Pumpkins

childhood 101

2009-06-26T05:02:00.004-04:00

this is why i love hulu, because they put random things up on there. its five in the morning but i refuse to go to sleep without watching this. this is my whole childhood defined in one movie. damn i miss being seven years old again. i use to have this on VHS and then the little brother was born and ripped the film strip out of the VHS. at least now i have hulu so i can watch it over and over and over.

he's the galaxy...

2009-06-26T00:21:00.002-04:00

...and i'm just a ~~lowly~~ star.

sorry, had a self-loathing moment. please forgive me.

currently listening to Genius Next Door by Regina Spektor

i wish #2

2009-06-24T21:00:00.000-04:00

i wish i never started this blog.
i wish i could be 100 percent honest with all of you.
i wish i was in cali now.
i wish you never crashed, i wish i never heard the truth, i wish i never thought you were dead, i wish i never shed that tear.
i wish you weren't pregnant, because you don't need to be. i wish i was there for you right now. i wish i could whisk you away like they do in the fairytales so you would never be hurt. i wish i told you how much i loved you when i had a chance. i wish i fell for you and not her. i wish you would get off that stuff now more then ever, if not for you, then for the baby. i wish i was with you.
i wish it was okay to be gay.
i wish it was okay to be black.
i wish i didn't like the saturdays.
i wish i could be honest with you.
i wish i could see britney live in concert.
i wish you believed i was serious.
i wish these chills would go away.
i wish i could stay sober.
i wish a lot of shit.
i wish i knew what i wanted.
i wish i was with you.
i wish wishes came true.

currently listening to Chills by Fatty Koo

thanks 4 everything

2009-06-21T11:23:00.003-04:00

mother’s day is cool. i can respect that. she carried me for nine months and yada, yada, yada. i’m cool with spending my las twenty dollars on some art suplies for a homemade mother’s day card, scented candles, and some sunflowers but i can’t say the same for father’s day.

but maybe that’s just me and my situation. i’m nineteen and i can count the times i’ve seen my dad on two hands the last ten years. yeah he gave me a car, but he also surprised me with the fact that i have a ten year old sister. and i’m still waiting to be told about the little brother he’s still hiding from me.

so while everyone else is having a wonderous father’s day just remember that i’ll be suffering through an awkward 30 minute conversation with my father that my grandmother either a. guilt tripped me into or b. bribed me into. the conversation will last thirty awkward minutes because my father will want to catch up on the happeneings of my life. but all i really wanna say is Happy Father’s Day and thank you for not pulling out.

currently listening to High Price by Ciara featuring Ludacris

all she has to do is ask

2009-06-20T12:28:00.004-04:00

my mom just told me to pack my shit and go to americus to stay with my father. i replied, i've been with you my whole life, why would i leave now. she said go. i said fuck that, i aint goin nowhere. and im not. i don' respond to yelling, so if she wants me to leave all she has to do is ask. and i will. i'll pack my shit. head to athens. pick up my television and my fridge and be on my merry way. and she'll never have to see me again. its that simple.

all she has to do is ask. and now my father's day post is fucked up, which is what you'll see tomorrow.

currently listening to sometime by britney spears

i wish

2009-06-20T01:31:00.006-04:00

so i'm probably gonna do this every week. i might even just make this into an i wish blog since all i seem to do is wish for shit that will never happen. so here's i wish #1, you can thank x for this.

J says:
so
talk to me x
tell me something
xzero! says:
i am worrie
*worried
i wish i was with my friends
i wish i had my own room
i wish i had cash
a job
i wish i had a boyfriend
J says:
i wish i had a bed to sleep in
i wish i had two contacts to use instead of one
i wish i didnt know what love was
i wish my ear wasn't bleeding
xzero! says:
i wish i had good sex
tonight
i wish i knew HE was okay
instead of a certain one saying that if wasnt, he would enjoy it
J says:
i wish the good days outnumbered the bad days and the interesting days
i wish the one i loved loved me back
i wish
xzero! says:
i wish i had a fuckin uncle nephew sitaufuckination
I WISH J WOULD REALIZE THAT I LOVE HIM
I WISH DAFT PUNK HAD MORE THAN ONLY GOOD THREE SONG
J says:
i wish i believed that
i wish i could believe the truth
xzero! says:
i wish i could find love
J says:
i wish love would find u
xzero! says:
;_;
i got homies in the end
still so lonely
J says:
i wish kanye would have never wrote heartless
i wish it didnt remind me of her
xzero! says:
i wish it didnt remind me of deadeyes
J says:
i wish i wasnt a dumb, jealous fuck
xzero! says:
i wish ZIPLOCK would love me
J says:
i wish i wasn't damaged goods
xzero! says:
i wish i wasnt a virgin
i wish i was straight
J says:
i wish i was a virgin
i wish i didnt have a daddy complex
i wish i didnt have a mommy complex
i wish i could sleep at night
i wish i could fuckin sleep
i wish he never touched me
i wish i never touched him back
xzero! says:
i think i am going to make an I wish blog
and i wish you would do one too
J says:
i will
xzero! says:
so we can be the same
i wish you would call it
i wish
like i will
J says:
i wish u didnt make me laugh
xzero! says:
i wish you wouldn't laugh when I dont try to be funny
J says:
i wish i didnt like u
xzero! says:
i wish -- WHOA CALM DOWN THERE
J says:
i wish wishing was a sin
xzero! says:
*making the blog
J says:
FUCK x FUCK
xzero! says:
FUCK J FUCK

currently listening to Cancer by My Chemical Romance

cali

2009-06-19T23:05:00.004-04:00

i went fish shopping today and narrowed it down to two fishes. a big black one that looks like one of the fishes from Finding Nemo, and a really big goldfish. i don't know if i'm gonna get either but i'd be happy with one of them. i'm gonna wait a week before i buy the fish and look for something more exotic.

currently listening to Weak by SWV

how come i cant, miss a woman like i cant miss courtdates

2009-06-18T04:17:00.006-04:00

i have a problem. two problems to be exact. maybe three, but really just two.

sex
guys
im stoopid

one.

i like sex. maybe more than i should. a lot more than i should. but i like it and would go as far as saying i love sex. i didn't eat today but i had sex. and there's the problem. how can i give up a great meal for some okay sex? or even some great sex?¹ it just doesn't make since, but in the mind of J it does. i have a problem with sex.

two.

i like guys. but never the ones i should. i always like the ones i shouldn't like. i also have an affinity for drug dealers. don't ask me why. most of the guys i've been with were drug dealers. i don't do drugs just so you know. the guy i've been chillin' with for the last two days is a drug dealer. he's also "straight" and has a babymoms and a daughter that he lives with. but for the last two days he's been wih me. and thats the problem.

three.

i'm stoopid. i even spell he word wrong on purpose because i'm stoopid. i don't know why people swear i'm smart. they also think i'm good with computers but i don't know shit about computers. but i am stoopid and i realized how stoopid i am the last two days. i always find myself in these situations. all these situations can be avoided, but i always dive head first into these situations.

so while i was sitting in my car tonight in the midst of one of these situations i started thinking. but then i stopped. i didn't wanna think i wanted to talk to someone and get their take on the situation. i called shots, got a voicemail. called k, no answer. and then i said fuck it and started talking to myself. basically yelling at myself for being a stoopid, dumb fuck². and during the conversation i came to the conclusion that i have three problems.

sex
guys
stupidity

and the only solution is to stop. no more sex³. no more guys⁴. no more being stoopid⁵.

currently listening to Every Girl by Young Money

1. i mean my shit is on some EPIC shit. jus ask ya dads.
2. i had this same conversation the night before with myself, x, and S. somehow x convinced me i wasn't stoopid. too bad he was wrong.
3. i've said this before. and i'll probably say it again. i can go a week, maybe 2 but i have a plan. everytime i get the urge to have sex i'll just go workout or jerk. simple enough.
4. i'm making one maybe two exceptions. i'm currently in a relationship, kinda. but he's in mexico. if he comes back then i will sex him up and see him on a daily basis. i also gave up vagina a few weeks back. so i think giving up guys shouldn't be too hard.
5. i know these situations are stoopid. the voices in my head tell me they are, but i do them anyway. so i just have to start trusting my instincts.

imma fuck the world, but this is foreplay

2009-06-16T18:38:00.000-04:00

i'm sorry i assume all guys enjoy gay sex. i'm sorry. thats just how my mind works. i'm sorry i mistook your glances at me as foreplay. what the fuck was i thinking when i caught you looking at me looking a you? i'm sorry that i was bored and thought you wanted to play. it happens to the best of us sometimes, and today jus wasn't my day. but i'm really sorry at he fact that you were secure enough in your sexualliy that my advances at you were welcomed with a smile and an introducion to the woman sitting beside you. i just hope your girl can work out all those insecurities she has within herself and her relationship, because the way she stormed out reminded me of my 5 year old cousin.

but i'm still sorry.

currently lisening to 25 Reasons by Nivea

im black, so you know i got skills

2009-06-14T03:17:00.005-04:00

i don't know if i've ever talked about this, but i use to rap. i have a pretty sick flow if i say so myself. i even have a rap name. i actually have two different rap names because i was in two different rap groups. neither one got off the ground. neither one was too serious. mostly for fun. one was jazzy j (don't ask why, its not important but i think it has something to do with the fresh prince). the other was upperkase. or upperKase with the k backwards. i think my former best friend came up with this name. he was also the guy that taught me the first 8 notes of hey there delilah.

but yeah, thought i'd mention it since i just wrote a sick 16 bars over some random song i just found. everyone can thank shots for this, because he had to be CHEESY and quote some lame ass rap song in the previous post which in turn got stuck in my head and prevented me from sleeping which in turn made me surf the web until i found something that could get the other song out of my head which i eventually found and then in turn got so inspired by it, because i'm not your boyfriend, and felt i could relate to the topic and spit some knowledge over it. if we're all lucky i'll try and record it in my father's studio while i'm visiting him over the next two days.

wish me luck. haven't spent this much time with the father since i was...six, maybe seven, but probably eleven.

currently listening to I'm Not Your Boyfriend, Baby by 3OH!3

drowning

2009-06-14T00:29:00.002-04:00

i'm afraid of water. i'm an aquarius and i'm afraid of water. big ponds. small oceans. even lakes. i'm also afraid of heights. but the thing i'm most afraid of is the future. mostly because i'm afraid of death. i just can't handle it. i've never been to a funeral in my life. and i've only been to a cemetary three times. the last time i went i was nine. i'm nineteen now.

i believe a god. i don't believe in religion. i don't believe in hell. but i wanna believe in heaven. but the whole idea of living forever in this otherworld sounds like hell to me. i just feel like i would get bored. and in this heaven will i get to meet everyone that has ever died. will i be drinking mamossas with MLK? slow grinding with Aaliyah? or just relaxing with my grandmoms? the whole concept really confuses me, but i wanna believe. i need to believe. i have to believe. but i don't think i can. i need a religion. i need something to believe in, but i feel the little religion i had is slipping out the window and today was the first day i said i don't belive in God out loud.

i said it twice.

i feel like i'm drowning...

currently listening to Let Me by Pleasure P

twenty

2009-06-13T03:49:00.004-04:00

warning: this post contains a bunch of nonsense, bullshit, and is basically filler. but its 3 in the morning so what do you really expect from me. something EPIC? sorry to disappoint, but i don't start to function until after 2 pm.

i don't wanna be twenty. i don't wanna be twenty. i don't want to be twenty. twenty is just another meaningless year. why can't i just skip to twenty-one and call year twenty a wash. i still have seven months left in year nineteen, but i'd rather just skip twenty and make it to twenty-one. ~~things should be better then.~~ things will be better then.

also my body is soar. don't ask why because i can't tell you why. it would ruin the boy next door, good boy, respectable facade i've been portraying since sunday. i read books now. i also read comics more so than books, but books nonetheless. i learned a new way to use epic, its called epochal and i think its an adjective. i learned it while reading.

i'm still jobless. it took me an hour to realize my lip was bleeding, but its good now. i got a haircut today and had an epiphany i really wanna date a barber. so my list is this:

barbers
mexicans
chicks with purple hair
a couple of bloggers
everyone else

i have to stop saying UGH in msn conversations, cause two people i talk to on a daily basis don't like the word. oh i forgot to add military men named robby to the list, he's in the top three though. which reminds me my dad was in the marines, my uncle is in the army, and my brother is in the air force. oh and my friends moms was in the navy, but thats a bit of a stretch. i prefer being boyfriend number 2.

that was a joke. and i think thats all i have on my mind at the moment. oh. i miss robby. i also miss mark or scared triumph! or whatever his name is now. i get confused at times. i'm easily confused. and i forget things. but i haven't lost my car all summer so i think i deserve some kind of prize. and in a perfect world the orlando magics would pull the upset of the century out there ass and win the nba finals winning the next three games. is it possible? in a perfect world, yes. in my head, absolutely. in reality, not likely.

and one more thing i was never a big fan of football. growing up in the south its kinda shoved down your throat. growing up in a small town, its even worse. if you've ever seen friday night lights(the tv show or the movie) then that's basically my home town. but i was always partial to brett farve. he was always my hero. but i fuckin hate his ass now. why you ask. well its quite simple. he keeps pulling these michael jordans and unretiring, but i swear if he unretires again and joins the vikings i promise to all of you i will stab him in his trachea and cut off both of his arms.

that is all.

currently listening to Under by Pleasure P

zack attack

2009-06-09T18:38:00.002-04:00

i miss the 90s. oh yeah, screech will never do the reunion, but im okay with that.

currently listening to Friends Forever by the Zack Attack

another complication pt. 2

2009-06-09T12:15:00.000-04:00

so i graduate from high school. i'm finally over K. she's still in the middle of all the drama that became her life after people found out she had an affinity for chicks. she moves away for the summer and i regroup with a set of friends i hadn't talked to since sophomore year. i also started playing tennis again. so did all the other black kids in cow city, ga. coincidence? i think not.

i hadn't seen or talked to PH after he graduated and went off to college, but one day he ended up at the tennis courts while i was there. the first few times we just gave each other a few side eyes. then we exchanged words. and then we finally played a match of tennis. i don't know if anyone else could feel the animosity between us, but the tennis match was more than just a match. i wasn't the best, but i played my ass off and got a few aces. PH, well he just sucked but it was a good match. i won. he lost. and we left it at that. we shook hands. and went our separate ways.

and that was the end of me and PH until earlier this year. somehow we started trading facebook messages and started back talking. he even asks about me whenever he and K talk every blue moon. but what really got me thinking is because last night i found myself talking to him and well, i kinda think he was hitting on me. BUT I COULD BE WRONG. it could all be in my head, but i don't think it was.

we talked for about a hour and a half, and he didn't want me to leave. the only people i've ever had that long of a conversation with is K and shots. i don't generally like talking to people but i didn't mind talking to him.
he seemed upset when i told him i was in florida and he didn't get to see me
he told me next time i'm in cow city, ga and he's there i should stop by his place
he kept making bj references and jokes

these are just some of the things that make me believe he was flirting with me, and while i thought i was just being myself with him i think i was flirting with him too. and i was flirting hard. and i guess the fact that i know he's good and bed and i already know he's well endowed doesn't hurt either. either way if i ever had the chance to really experience PH i think i would have to pass. k would woop my ass if she found out and i don't need any other complications before i head to cali.

currently listening to Dearjohn by Musiq Souldchild

another complication

2009-06-08T03:58:00.003-04:00

why won't they just let me be great? after everything from the previous post about the uncle and the nephew i thought things would slow down. but now there's a new complication, that could all just be in my head. but i don't think it is. but there's this guy...

~~lets call him T. no, lets be a little more creative.~~ lets call him PHONE HOME or PH. i went to high school with PH. i met him my freshman year in honors physical science. i walked in the classroom on the first day and there he was. sitting alone in a desk across the room. he was an unusual face. had never seen him before in my life, but i sat by him anyway. K walked in next and she joined us.

PH was a grade above me and K and had just moved here from Florida. he was a cool guy. he was smart. he was funny. and i always called him a poor man's version of me. for the simple fact that he was black, smart, and funny. and in my hometown not many guys fit the bill for that. but we all got along perfectly. i think he picked up on the fact that i was still catching feelings for K. and the fact that we constantly flirted and felt on each other didn't discourage that, but i could also tell that he liked K--there are just things i know. and this was one of them--but even with this knowledge me and K still felt he could be gay. he was skinny and lanky. and he just had these moments where he was a little suspect. so we always assumed that maybe he was gay. which is funny now that K is out and i'm here on southern inebriation and intoxicated resonace(shameless plug) typing about my life.

to this day i still don't know how it happened or when it happened, but PH and K ended up hooking up and becoming official. it kinda shocked me, because one day she was dating this guy and then the next she's fucking PH. the details of their relationship is still fuzzy to this day, but one thing is certain. PH is both the beginning and the end of me and K. it began the hot and heavy phase of me and K's relationship, but it was also the end of that emotional connection we had had since sixth grade. nobody came out of this relationship unscarred. i lost a best friend. K lost a soul mate. and PH lost something, i don't know we kinda stopped talking during this. besides the snide "thats why i'm fuckin yo girl" comment we would trade back and forth we didn't speak to each other unless K made us.

the one thing i know for certain is PH is the only guy K has ever loved. she loves me, but not the way i loved her or she loves him. whatever they had was special. i've seen K in relationships before and she never gave her all. she was in most of them for one reason, and it wasn't love. but with PH it was different. she loved him, and when they broke up i don't think she ever healed. we were talking a few days ago about how much everything is changing and how shit was so much simpler when we were younger and she admitted to me that she still loves PH.

problem is PH has a girlfriend now. and i think he just hit on me.

currently listening to You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

circle k

2009-06-07T20:23:00.004-04:00

i'm a weird kid. it use to bother me when people would call me weird, but now i'm okay with that, because nobody is normal. and normal is just some idea people spread around to make people conform. there's nothing wrong with conforming, but i don't wanna conform to being normal especially since i'm black. because being a normal black kid would mean i would be out selling drugs. maybe have a gun on me. and have a few kids that i don't see ever see. so yeah, i'm weird. but im okay with that.

one of the side affects of my weirdness is i get overly excited about simple things. and lately that means jumping up with glee and receiving a few side eyes from my moms and brother when i find a circle k. so far i've found three, but i still haven't been in one yet. i almost went in one today, but didn't. i kinda wanna wait til i get to cali and go in one, plus x owes me some pitas.

currently listening to Testimonial(Intro) by Diddy

real men have big feet

2009-06-06T10:21:00.002-04:00

my feet are big. like freakishly long for some odd reason. i wore a 12 when i was eleven. so the whole "act your age not your shoe size" stopped applying to me when i turned 9, because i wore a size 10 in shoes. nowadays im relegated to a size 16. and for some reason shoe companies just don't make sizes about 14, and thats if you're lucky. so i'm basically fucked for the rest of my life.

i've been wearing the same pair of k.swiss' for the last two years. one in white. and one in black. im not complaining or anything. they get the job done, but some days i just wanna throw on a pair of kicks and walk down the road knowing that my feet are fresh to death. is that too much to ask for?

i'm not usually a fan of high top shoes but these supras are calling my name. im seriously thinking about cutting off my toes and praying to god that i can fit in them, because they come in a size 15. i mean there's hope that they run big and my feet can fit in them right?
i even like the purple ones, which happens to be the color of my alma mater. but they only come in a 13, so there's no hope here.

im not big on colors when it comes to shoes, but i wouldn't mind havin one of every color in these blazers. im really feeling the bright blue ones.

and the one thing i've always sworn i would never ever in my life do is where some metallic shoes, BUT i can't help but salivate a little at the mouth while looking at these. too bad i've been cursed with freakishly large shoes.

currently listening to I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas

this post was brought to you by the scared triumph! shoe fund

email

2009-06-05T20:52:00.004-04:00

i need some healthy suggestions on adult oriented email addresses. whenever i apply for a job position i use my UGA email account for one of two reasons.

its basically my name
its a University of Georgia email and i assume that could possibly help me get a job, because people would assume i'm intelligent and hard working

but the email i use for everything else is the product of a twelve year old imagination. and the fact that i was gonna be a world famous musician named lyfe. then out of nowhere lyfe jennings pops up and starts singing songs about being locked up. or maybe that was akon. either way i was lyfe, before lyfe jennings was lyfe.

but at the moment my email address is lyfe255754@gmail.com and i don't see anyone taking me serious with that. i won't even give my friends this email because i'm embarassed by it. so for all the adults out there i need a suggestion for an email, because as of july 1, i won't be able to use my UGA email anymore.

currently listening to Death of the Auto Tune by Jay-Z

i like sex

2009-06-05T17:04:00.001-04:00

is that a bad thing? i hope not, but there are some things i need to control. like when i meet a guy that i think i could like. my first impulse cannot be to drop to my knees and open my mouth wide. i don't think my future hubby would appreciate that. but you have to admit, that would be a great story to tell the grandkids.

¿abuelo x, cómo usted y abuelo j se encontraron?

little carlito, i've told you about speaking that foreign talk. grandpa only knows ENGLISH. but the way me and granpa met is kinda compliated. you see, i was walking through circle K looking for some pitas and i tripped over something. i looked down and it was your grandpa, on his knees, in the middle of the aisle, with his mouth wide open. and i knew then that he was the one for me.

i mean that would be a great "how i met your father" story. but like i said, i like sex i just wish i could get it under control more. because i met this guy that i may like. lets call him MOTEL. i think the reason i like him is because we didn't have sex the first time we met. we just made out a lot, and i may have given him a blowjob. all i know is we didn't have sex, and i developed a crush on him that i thought he shared. but either way if he calls me back then thats good, if not. meh.

well motel has an uncle. and he's been staying with this uncle for the summer sorta as a house sitter. here's where the problem comes in. i've had sex with motel's uncle twice now. i met motel's uncle, before i met motel. i don't know whether motel and his uncle know they're both gay or if they both know that i know both of them. i just hope i never get caught in the same place with both of them.

so here's my dilemma.

i like motel for all the right reasons, but he doesn't call me
i like motel's uncle for all the wrong reasons, but he calls
i like sex

if motel calls me, then i'll leave his uncle alone.

currently listening to the E.N.D. by the Black Eye Peas

writing

2009-06-04T00:27:00.000-04:00

i've been writing a lot lately. ~~like every second i'm not out looking for a job or sucking on something.~~ when i was a younger i would write all day. i had notebooks full of the crazy tales i would spin in my head. every week i would write something new, and when i finally got a hold of a computer my fascination with writing grew even more. there was just something about typing on a computer that made me want to write. i blame the colors, because every story i wrote had its on specific color. this is also during the time when blue became my favorite color (i always wanted to be the blue ranger).

the last couple of days things have just been clicking in my head. i've always wanted to write a book, then a comic, and then a manga, but i actually have an idea that i've been working on for a few weeks. i've nailed down a few characters, but i'm still deciding on whether i just want to use the five i have now, or continue with the seven i wanted to do. basically the story is told from each character's perspective, similar to "As I Lay Dying," but stylistically closer to "the House On Mango Street."

i started a blog for it if anyone is interested in reading the first chapter its here.

currently listening to So Far Gone by Drake

yellow t-shirt

2009-06-03T04:26:00.003-04:00

the yellow t-shirt is an actual yellow t-shirt. the front says "a time for change, 94.304" while the back says "celebrating failure while reaching for excellence." i made the shirt with my three closest friends: K, D, and Lush. K is my best friend and my ex, D is my racist friend who knows how to cook, and Lush is my ex enemy that drinks too much. somehow after many years of not liking one another other, senior year somehow brought us together.

school has always been easy for me. i never had to try and never had to study. things just kinda worked out for the best. high school came around and things continued that way. i did well enough to be considered "smart" and they put me on the honors/AP track. i remained in the top ten of my class and just sailed through.

the first two years of high school were weird for me. this was during my emo/rebellious phase and i just didn't have any motivation. in my mind, life was predetermined and as long as i made more good decisions than bad decisions things would work out for the best. i didn't try to get anything i wanted, i just let it come to me and if it didn't then meh. life goes on. this was also during the time when i lost my virginity to A, while still being madly in love with K, so neither of these things helped my outlook on life. but spring semester of sophomore year things started looking up.

i got my first job and i took my first chemistry class. chemistry was like every other class i had taken up to that point, but there was one difference. i loved the teacher. i've had teachers in the past that i grew attached to, but there was just something about this one. maybe it was the fact that she smelled of coffee or the fact that she had a pair of glasses to color coordinate with everything she wore. or maybe it was the fact that i was her favorite--something she wasn't shy about sharing.

but for whatever reason she changed my outlook on a lot of things. she always had an opinion on EVERYTHING, but i always listened to what she had to say. i even listened to her when she gave me my "you're a black man and the world is your oyster speech¹." and when we made it to stoichiometry things just started clicking. the only way i can describe it is that i had a moment of clarity, like a light bulb finally came on in my head and i finally said to myself "DAMN, I CAN REALLY DO THIS" and from that moment i knew what i wanted. i wanted to be the salutatorian² of my graduating class and i knew what i had to do to make this happen.

by this point i was ranked 8^th in my class and i would have to work my ass off to get anywhere near the number two spot, but i did it. by senior year i was ranked number 3 in my class and trailed the number 2 by a tenth of a point. i had the best first semester i ever had receiving three one hundreds and the highest grade in my AP Lit class, a 98, and the second semester was no different. i received four one hundreds, but somehow i still didn't become salutatorian.

not only did i not get my sal spot, but half of the people in all my honors/ap class weren't honor graduates, K, D, and Lush included. so after doing a little investigating³ i found out that our gpas weren't weighted as they were suppose to be, and as a result half of my classmates weren't honor graduates and i lost my sal spot to some doe-eyed girl⁴. i was crushed and reverted back to my freshman self. i gave up on trying, didn't want to be an honor graduate, didn't wanna walk at graduation, i just wanted school to be over with.

this was just a catalyst for the yellow t-shirts, but there were other factors as well.

in my town we have two high schools. the one i went to and then this alternative one. its designed to help students catch up on credits so they can graduate on time. basically there's a teacher in a room full of computers and the student uses the computer to learn all the information. you can finish a course in two to three weeks, and there were a few students who took advantage of this situation and as a result, became honor graduates.
the seniors at this alternative high schooltraveled across the US, while we weren't allowed to leave the state. they went to new york, to washington d.c., grad night at universal studios, and some montain trip.,
we didn't get any senior lunches. the one time we did the group of us who organised it were chastised because we supposedly didn't go through the "proper" channels.
a lot of our money we raised from bake sales, the last four years, for a senior trip went "missing" somewhere between or junior and senior year
we never received our senior breakfast, but the seniors who failed the graduation test⁵ received one.
i also wore a shirt that said Lush during a picture taken of the honor graduates for the newspaper. i did it because Lush missed becoming an honor graduate by less than a tenth of a point. a few people took offense at my friendly gesture to include Lush in the picture (someway or another) and because of it i was pulled aside by the counselor to have a deep discussion on where my head was.
a few othe rthings happened, but aren't really important

so after all of that, Lush, K, and D decided to make these t-shirts. i was just dragged in at the end of it because i was cheated out of my sal spot. plus they kept with the yellow theme of my Lush shirt. so we all wore the yellow t-shirts to school one day and were all sent home that same day, everyone except D. she was on the work program so she left before they could send her home. K was sent home early in the day and around lunch time Lush and I were called to the front office for a meeting with the school officials.

basically in this meeting the school officials yelled at us, called us stupid and selfish, and pointed out how disappointed they were in us because they were deeply offended by the shirts. after their brief yelling match they allowed me and Lush to explain ourselves, but it was like speaking to the deaf. they didn't hear anything we said and we were done we were told to leave school and never wear the shirts again.

so in conclusion the yellow t-shirt is significant to me because its the first time i felt like i was a real man. i stood up for what i believed in and i lived with the consequences of those actions. i also developed a deep bond with D and Lush because of the yellow t-shirts. senior year brought us together, but after the whole yellow t-shirt debacle i felt like i could always count on Lush and D whenever i needed them.

1. i get this speech from all of my honors/ap teachers. basically they pull me aside one day and tell me that if i ever need anything there always there for me. they also make sure to remind me that i can do whatever i want. i usually just nod my head and ask myself why the fuck are they telling me this, because i've heard it a million times before. i also ponder to myself that maybe if they took the time to tell this to one of the other black students that maybe then they wouldn't be so surprised to see me walk in their classroom each time.

2. there was no way in hell i could ever be valedvictorian. the guy who was had been the smartest kid in our grade since second grade. this is also that for some stupid and illogical reason has hated me since the second grade. to say we dislliked each other would be an understatement. its a known fact that we don't get along and he was one of the main reasons that moivated me to do better. we've gotten in a few verbal altercations over the past ten years and in the fifth grade we almost got into a physical fight. he pushed me, i punched him. then we got in trouble before it could escalate.

3. i worked in the guidance office my senior year so i had access to files and computers where they kept the "important" information. but really i just pulled the counselor aside and asked "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED" but as you should know by now, her answer just didn't suffice.
currently listening to Gibberish by Ryan Leslie

4. i use to be friends with this girl. i think i even had a crush on her, but then she got engaged to the valedictorian--the guy i don't like--and as a result we stopped talking and she found religion on me, only pushing us farther away. i was also blatantly told in front of everyone i was not aloud at the wedding. ^_^ she also only took 6 honors/ap classes while i took 16.

5.in georgia you have to past the 5 parts of the graduation test(writing, math, language, science, social studies) to graduate from high school and to walk at graduation. but you get 5 chances to pass it.

insignificant

2009-06-01T04:09:00.000-04:00

i posted a response to a question over on intoxicated resonance, and after speaking with my friend about it and reading the comments i feel i was misunderstood.

when i said my life is pretty insignificant, i didn't mean that my life was worthless. my life is worth a lot to me and to a few others in my life. i didn't mean insignificant in a bad way, when i said it was my lame attempt at being funny. but my sense of humor is hard to get at times, this being one of them.

someone also pointed out to me that when i lump trivial things like losing my virginity, a yellow t-shirt, and learning how to drive with things such as graduating and going off to college it lessens the importance of the latter. but to me they're all important and pretty significant things in my life, and helped shape who i am today.

i keep telling myself i lost my virginity when i was fourteen, but to be honest it was probably before that. but it depends on what you consider sex. fourteen is too young to be having sex and definitely too young to be doing some of the things i participated in. so yes, losing my virginity was pretty significant.

teaching myself how to drive is something else i pride myself in. my dad was never around to teach me things that only a father can teach a son. how to tie a tie, change a tire, etc. and being that my moms is kinda bipolar and easily frustrated, she could never teach me how to drive. to this day i hate driving with her in the car, because she likes to yell a lot and i'm not a good driver when someone is yelling at me. i'm not a good person when someone is yelling at me. so that was also important.

and the yellow t-shirt is probably the most significant thing that has happened in my nineteen years of life. but i'll save that for another day.

maybe. probbaly....not likely. but definately maybe.

currently listening to Ocean's 7 mixtape

meh

2009-05-28T23:08:00.001-04:00

just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

family

2009-05-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

i wish i could say family was important to me. i envy those around me who are close with their families. its the one thing i would change about my life if i could. because the only person i would ever take a bullet for is my moms.

i have reoccurring dreams and thoughts about my moms dying. the same thing happens in everyone. my moms dies, i don't go to the funeral because i they scare me, i continue on with my daily life as if nothing has happened, and then one day it finally hits me. SHES GONE. i dread the day that this happens, because i know i won't be able to handle it. i hated my moms for so long that i'm trying to make up for it now.

i'm the middle of three boys. i'm 19, my oldest brother is 21, and my younger brother is 14. they're so alike that i can't help but be jealous of their bond. i've always felt like the odd man out in my family and being so quiet as a child didn't help. i also have two other siblings that i've never met. my sister's name is brandy and she's ten, and then i have an even younger brother. i don't know his name. i don't know his age. and i shouldn't even know he exists, but i do. i still haven't figured out how i wanna feel towards them. its complicated.

my oldest brother knows i'm bisexual. i've never told him. he's never told me. but he knows, and i know he knows, yet we've never taked about this and because of that there's always an elephant in the room when we're around each other. and because of this elephant we haven't had a conversation more than five minutes since i was fourteen. and i'm just starting to realise that i do care that we haven't. i miss my older brother. i miss building forts together. i miss playing freeze tag. i even miss dressing up like each other and everyone thinking we're twins. i miss the good times.

but i don't miss my dad. since i was old enough to realize that my dad sucks at being a father i've promised myself that i would never end up like him. i didn't play sports. i didn't jrotc. and instead i did the opposite of what he wanted from me. from the age of 12 to 16 my whole life was devoted to becoming a disappointment to my father. don't ask me why i just didn't want to be anything like him. so everytime someone said i looked like my father it hurt, i din't wanna look like him, i didn't wanna be compared to him. i just feel like i missed out on something because he was never there for me when i needed him. i taught myself how to ride a bike. i taught myself how to drive a car. i taught myself how to tie a tie. and i still don't know what the big deal is with the birds and the bees. i just wish he was there......but he wasn't.

currently listening to: A Capella(Something's Missing) by Brandy

am i ready

2009-05-24T14:00:00.000-04:00

i don't think i'm ready. i don't think i'll ever be ready to just pick up and move. i say otis is the reason i'm trying my hardest to get to cali, but its not. otis is just an excuse to finally leave georgia sooner, rather than later. cali is an escape for me, a way out. but i still don't think its gonna happen. i feel like something is gonna happen and i'll be stuck in georgia for another three years, and in a way i think i would be okay with that. maybe i'm over thinking it, maybe i'm just too pessimistic, or maybe i just don't have faith that if i want soomething bad enough it will all work out in the end.....right?

i still haven't withdrawn from uga, i still haven't canceled my housing contract, and i registered for all my classes for the fall. just incase life wants to fuck me in the ass again.

i'm okay with being content. i'm content with where i am right now. i have great friends in athens, and few who don't live in athens. so why give all that up on the faith that i'm gonna have this crazy, fun, life changing experience in cali when there's nothing wrong with where i'm at now. am i happy? sometimes i am, but mostly i'm just content. i'm okay with settling for less, that doesn't bother me even though it should. people say they deserve things. i say i deserve things, but the reality is we don 't. I DON'T. i only deserve what i work my ass off to attain, so what happens when i do that and i still don't attain it?

was i foolish for thinking it was even possible? should i have worked harder that one day when i decided to sleep in? but what if i did my best every fucking second of the day, and i still didn't get it, what then?

people say its better to have loved, than to never have loved at all, but is that really true. i've loved before and it feels great to feel loved. to feel wanted. to feel needed, but when all that disappears it fuckin sucks. you feel like shit. you lose all motivation. you feel like a part of you has died. and everyone around you tells you to get over it and to move on. well this is how i feel everytime i set a goal for myself or i ask for something as simple as a lava lamp and i fail to reach my goal or i don't receive that lava lamp. and at some point i just decided to stop trying. i lost motivation. i was just...meh, and i don't want to be meh anymore. meh really sucks when you're alone aand you have an overactive imagination that gets bursts of creativity late at night and you don't sleep.

i want to feel ALIVE again. and there are three things that make me feel ALIVE. one. two. three. and at the moment i only have one.

currently listening to: How to Be A Lady, Vol. I by Electrik Red

sobriety

2009-05-24T02:29:00.001-04:00

so i guess i'm back. what was that two days of giving up on blogging? i mean i'm sure half of you knew what was coming next, but yeah this is it. this is the new and improved southern inebriation. same ol J, same url, just a new simpler layout. and more thoughtful posts, hopefully.

i deleted the old blog because i just wanted a fresh start. i still have all the posts and ill probably rehash some of the old stuff, but will be more open about it this time around.

but yeah, this is all for the first post.

-jamal

p.s. thats my name, like the one thats on my birth certificate only its not spelled like that but thats a whole story for another day. oh yeah, i'm named after theo from the cosby show

currently listening to: Devotion by Electrik Red

love

2009-05-20T03:57:00.003-04:00

some people tell me i say love too quickly. use the word like i give out my name. im easy, and maybe sometimes im too easy when i give out my love. but no matter what, everytime i say the word love i mean it. and if you say it back to me, then i will take it at face value and believe that you mean it too.

some people take love too seriously. they wait their whole life waiting for that special person to share their love with. they miss out on a good thing because they're too caught up with their 'love' that they don't see that the bes thing for them is right in front of them. maybe they're afraid to say the word because they feel they don't know the person well enough to truly say they love them, but i don't have that problem.

love for me is not that big of a deal. yes i want love, i want to feel loved, i want to be loved, but if i don't love myself then none of this matters. do i love myself? yes, but at times i don't and i hate myself for that.

some people tell me that i say the word love too loosely. that i couldn't possibly love someone because i dont know all the faucets of their personality. that i oculdn't possibly love someone because ive never met them. that i couldn't possibly love someone because i've only known them for a day. but to all o them i just say fuck that. i know if i like someone within five minutes of talking to them. whether thats a good or bad thing i don't know, but its served me right these last nineteen years of my inebriated life.

some people say my biggest fault is i let people in too easily, that i give my love away before i demand my respect. but thats just how i am. if i say i love you then i mean it. it doesn't mean i'm in love with you, it just means i love you and maybe i could be in love with you. it means theres something about you that i want to get to know. you're a great person and im glad to have you in my life.

is love real? have i ever been in love? do i even know what love is?

to some people it is. to some people im foolish for believing i have. and to some people i'll never know. but to me the answer is yes.

todays the day

2009-05-19T17:45:00.003-04:00

Today has been a weird day to say the least. I won't even try to put it into complete thoughts, I'll just list what happened.

Somehow I got a job today. I don't know how it happened, but I did. Its kinda sketchy, but its good money. So looks like I'll be either cleaning carpets or showing people how to clean their carpets. I'm not exactly sure which, like I said the job sounds sketchy, but I'm trying to get a job at the Post Office. That way I can just transfer to a place in cali.

My mom is going to kill me. When I'm around her I get uneasy and can feel my body get tense. She's kinda bipolar. So are my two brothers, I'm the only one whose remotely sane. They can all go from being happy go lucky to just fits of anger in a second. So yeah, my mom is gonna end up killing me from aggravation and all the random screaming she does to me.

My mom also tried to bribe me with alcohol today. We were leaving the doctors office and she told me if I didn't go to cali she'd buy me some margaritas Saturday when we go walking down Riverstreet. Five minutes later she realized I was 19 and not 21.

I'm gonna kill my mom. During one of our screaming matches this morning she basically told me I'm gonna make her have a heart attack. Maybe if she stopped yelling at me so much, I'd actually want to stay.

I went to the doctor today. They stabbed me in my arm and took some of my B+ blood. It hurt. Now I have to look at this cotton swab and band aid all day. Sucks to be me.

On our way from the doctors office and after all the "please dont go to cali" talk my mom said something shocking to me. She told me when I go to cali to make sure I find some mixed, asian, mexican girl and make sure I get her pregnant, because she wants to have a pretty biracial baby. This is good news to me being that I plan to bring home a mexican guy. Because my whole life she's been trying to get me with random black girls she deemed "cute" but always looked at me with disapproving eyes when I would end up with the white girl from the other side of town. So maybe she's turning around now.

Oh yeah, I also found out that I use to live in the Bay when I was younger and Vallejo.

currently listening to:nothing, i'm too busy thinking

the ghetto

2009-05-17T21:14:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I'm really bored right now and its poring down raining outside. My mom almost lost my car to a flooded road, then she tried to kill me by leaving the gas stove on while I sleep, and now the ceiling is leaking what I can only assume its water, though my third sense is telling me its probably hydrochloric acid. But maybe I'm just paranoid. But even with this rampant paranoia I still had time to put my creativity to good use, and decided to share with the world my newest project with my OB, and a few guys that I like, and one I'm still on the fence about. I bring to you the Ghetto, dun dun dun.

Basically its another reality tv show in the vein of the Hills, Laguna Beach, the City, and Baldwin Hills. But there won't be any fake drama, unless thats what you guys want to see and in that case there will be loads of drama. The show will revolve around me, J, as I make the move from the countryness that is Georgia to the big city life of LA as I move in with the love of my life, the only problem is we're the total opposite and you guys get to watch as everyone around us tries to tear us apart. Sounds like great tv right, now here are the main characters.

J, the loveable hero, star, and eloquent whore of the show. Leaves behind everything he knows so he can chase after his dream. He leaves behind the old J and decides to start anew. His main goal now is to become the next big thing in the art and entertainment world, and become a respectable young man. But is it all in vain, is Shots worth all of this? How will the Ghetto treat such a young and naive boy?

Shots, the happy go lucky, asian sex bomb. Is finally out to the world and doesn't know if he wants to be tied down at the moment. He's the only castmate with a real job that is featured on the show. He's a counselor where he does more than just counsel his patients and co-workers. Good guy on the outside, but really just a slut. Will he be able to hold on to the best thing thats happen to him or give it all up for a few nights of fun?

x!, is the mysterious writer who doesn't really write. He's the token Mexican on the show, but we find out he's not actually Mexican but is really Jewish. He's always there for J whenever he needs someone to talk to, and is an all around nice guy.

Mark, is another friend that J makes at art school. J and Mark have loads in common, but doesn't become apart of the show until season two when all hell breaks loose and everyone is fighting to gain a spot in J's heart. During season one he's just a background character and doubles as a prop. Be on the lookout, because that lamp or that bench that you think is winking at you might just be.

And then there's Motel, or MSB as some may know him. In season one he plays the housekeeper named Jose. Well in season one Jose is quickly killed off, but comes back as Motel in season two as a love interest for shots.

So yeah, thats basically the premise of the show at the moment. Sounds pretty good. Stay tuned for more drama and the lolz of the Ghetto.

currently listening to:Battlefield-Jordin Sparks

somebody's conceited

2009-05-17T04:24:00.003-04:00

Let's not forget that I'm the sweet ass bitch that introduced u and Rick to each other.

Some random blogger wanted me to point out that he introduced me to a certain guy named Rick. I won't say who that blogger is, but if you read the comments, then its easy to figure out. Thank you OB for the introduction.

currently listening to:Sandcastle Disco-Solange

when love takes over

2009-05-16T21:19:00.003-04:00

The best three minutes and nine seconds of my day. Be happy, its not a breakup song, its one of those feel good, i think im in love, this cant be, just let it happen type of songs. Let the healing begin.

realized

2009-05-16T14:53:00.003-04:00

Just had a realization, well two actually. One, I use the word realized way too much, just shows how limited my vocabulary is. I find new words and I use them until I forget them. Trachea, jugular, inebriated, eloquent, fruition. All were words of the week, and all have been butchered by me. Anyone have a new word to replace realize, because its a really hard word to spell and I always have to take out the "s" and replace it with a "z" and if you know me I'm just too lazy to be doing that. But I'm really not lazy, just everyone else seems to think I am. *side eye

Two, I've been listening to a lot of sad/breakup type music this week. My first music post was also a breakup song. And then my last one was also. Both songs were about Rick, but it took me a few days to realize this. Blame It On Me, was when I first heard the news and I guess I wanted to beat myself up for it, so I was like fuck it. Blame me. But now I know it wasn't just me, and we both needed this separation.

But things are looking up. Kinda, I'm slowly breaking away from my sad music, but maybe not. I fell asleep to a mix of "Chasing Lights," Maxwell's "Pretty Wings," the Saturdays "Issues," "Blame It On Me," and Ciara's "I Don't Remember" so maybe that wasn't the happiest music, but it was all soothing and I had a great night of sleep. And thanks to S I discovered the Fray. The second album is better than the first in my opinion, but someone says my music taste sucks and is contradictive. So meh.

p.s. spell check is saying contradictive is not a word, so I guess I just created a new word. yay me!

currently listening to:Syndicate-the Fray

soundtrack of my life-chasimg lights

2009-05-16T05:19:00.003-04:00

I guess this is where I tell why the song means something to me. So bear with me. British music has never been something I've actively seeked out. There are a few that catch my ear, but they've all been more on the r&b/soulful side of Brtish music. The pop stars were never really my thing. S Club 7, yes, but I was seven then and they had a tv show so they were the only ones I fucked with. And maybe Spice Girls, but again I was seven, and they had a movie, and the girl I liked was in love with them. This same girl was also in love with Britney Spears, so you have her to blame for that. Her name was Brooke, and she had the most beautiful long brown hair, but this post isn't about her its about the Saturdays and Rick.

"Chasing Lights" by the Saturdays made me realize that maybe it is over between me and Rick. The past two weeks have been rough between us to say the least School let out, so we no longer saw each other everyday. I came to Savannah, and Rick went to Florida. Somethings happened, and basically Rick plans to move back to Mexico with his father for a year, and then continue with college next year.

Apart of me feels like maybe this is my fault. This is Rick's way of saying goodbye to me, before I say goodbye to him first. Either way I didn't think this would be the last chapter of me and Rick. Our relationship is hard to really explain. It came out of nowhere, and we both dived head first into it. I love dthis kid, and he loved me, no matter what anyone else says. What we had was real, and we fought for it everyday.

No matter how hard we tried to get away from each other we always ended up in each others arms. I got into my first fight because of this guy. I got in a fight over a guy. Thats one of the things I always told myself I would never do. I've seen so many of my friends get in fights over guys and I saw how stupid it looked, but there I was waging a war with one guy for Rick. No matter how much I told myself, and everyone else that I didn't want this guy, I did and in the end I got Rick back. There's so much shit that went down that I couldn't fit it in this one post, but a few people know what happened.

And thats why it hurts to finally realize that this is goodbye. I've been listening to this song for the past thirty minutes and it made me understand that Rick is gone. J and Rick are no more, and ~~I guess~~ I'm going to be okay with this. The time Rick and I spent together was always special, and I'll take those memories with me, but its time to finally say goodbye to Rick. To really let him go. Because we've said goodbye so many times, but we were still attached. We still did what we always did, but this time it has to be different. I can't hope that he's gonna tell me he's not going, I can't hope that he's gonna show up on my doorstep and tell me he's gonna be here tomorrow, I have to let him go. And he has to let me go.

So this is for Rick. And if you're reading this then just know you'll always have a spot in my heart. I love you kid. But we both have to move on.

I've been doing this my way, your way, our way, I can't make it work
When all I have is not enough
I've been doing all I can, my plan, your plan and all I get is hurt
This game we're playing has to stop

I've got you stuck in my head
And all you do is breaking me, I can't continue taking this
I've tried my best to understand
But I cannot make sense of you, I've got to take a stand and baby

Having technical difficulties, so until I can find a new way to embed he song here's the youtube clip.

curently listening to:Chasing Lights-the Saturdays

need some help

2009-05-15T17:35:00.003-04:00

So life has kinda come to a standstill this last week. The guy I was talking to, Rick, just dropped a bomb on me and it looks like our time will be coming to an end sooner rather than later. My whole cali situation is working out for the best, and even if I don't get housing, I plan on finding some cheap apartment in the area. I still haven't found a job, but I have an interview next wekk, so things are looking up.

But I still need help with my blogging project I want to do. So far I have a few guys that I know that wan to do it, but if anyone else would like to contribute that would be great. Also I still need a name. A few names have been thrown around, but nothing that makes me go...damn. Also what topics would you like to see addressed.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

idea

2009-05-13T19:34:00.003-04:00

Okay bear with me for a second. I've always wanted to do a blog with someone else, and there was a forum a while back but I don't really know what happend to it. I kinda stopped checking it out after a few weeks. But I have an idea and wondering if anyone else would be interested in it.

Basically it would be me and maybe four other bloggers and each week there will be a random topic. And each blogger would post a response to the topic. Topics would range from just random stupid shit, to serious topics. I really want to do this and I think it could be kinda fun to hear everyones opinions of a given topic and see how they're similar or different.

So if you're interested in helping me with this just either leave a comment here, email me, or hit me up on MSN.

southern.inebriation@live.com

currently listening to:Lust For Life(chopped & screwed)-Drake

site maintenance

2009-05-13T18:31:00.003-04:00

This is basically a filler post, maybe I'll knock out a real post later. New layout. I like it, and will probably keep it until school starts up in August. Maybe by then I'll have an official look for the blog that I'm happy with. I added some things to my list. I'll probably start putting up some of the art I've done in the past, and some of the sketches I've been doing this week. Also follow me on twitter. I only have 17 followers and thats just sad. My ego is really taking a hit because of that, lol. I've added a navigation bar to the site, it contains links to the list, important people, ways to contact me, and info on why I started the blog. And I'll add the link to my work as soon as I figure out how I wanna handle that. But until then I'm out.

Currently listening to this track by Jump Smokers, My Flow So Tight. Its a diss at Chris Brown, but with that aside its really a great song. Not what I usually listen to, but it made me get up and dance. And as a result my moms and brother pointed and laughed their asses off at me. But oh well, the song is that infectious. So give it a listen.

soundtrack of my life-blame it on me

2009-05-11T15:36:00.003-04:00

Blame it on me
Say its my fault
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart
I really don't care
I aint crying no more
Say I'm a liar a cheater
Say anything that you want
As long as it's over

Something I've been trying to do since the inception of southern inebriation back in October, was share my love of music. Music has always been apart of my life. I can remember when me, my brother, and four of my cousins started our own little group. We all had our own song that we would be the lead singer, and mine just happened to be Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone." Talk about a kid that was really feeling a song even though I was only four or five. That was my song and that was my time to shine.

Flash forward fifteen years and I still get that way about a few songs and right now that honor belings to Chrisette Michele's "Blame It On Me." How in the world I slept on her first album, I do not know,but her newest album Epiphany is truly one of the best R&B albums out, and at only 2.99 its a steal. But "Blame It On Me" is probably the standout song for me.

In my opinion its one of the best breakup songs of all time. There's just something about the lyrics and the way that she delivers them that just connects with me on a deeper level. So if you're not too busy take the time to listen to it.

And thanks to gay+teen+sydney because without him I wouldn't know how to embed themusic.

letter to shots

2009-05-10T00:34:00.003-04:00

Dear Shots,

There's really no words I can write that could describe how I feel about you. You're my OB. You're my best friend. You're my boo bear. And even though I've never met you that doesn't change a thing for me. I love you kid, and you will always have a place in my heart. You're fuckin [insert your first and last name] and I'm J. If you let anyone tell it we shouldn't relate to each other, yet for some reason we just click. I've grown into a person I'm proud to be. I've never been so comfortable in my skin and you're a big reason for this.

You set the standards for how I want to live my life. You're rational, logical, and you think things through. All things I need to learn to do, and you call me on my bullshit. There are times when I just hate your fuckin guts, where I just want to stab you in your trachea, where you just frustrate the hell out of me, but the people you care about the most are the ones you get upset with over silly things. And if thats true then I must really care about you.

We've had our differences. I've probably argued with you more than any other blogger. And I know we've ended this friendship more than once, and half the times I don;t know why it happened. But we always end up friends again, and its never uncomfortable. We just fall back into our designated roles. I'm the slut. You're the whore. I'm the dirty one. You're the innocent one. But it works. Our roles are slowly changing now, but I;m okay with that, but you've got some big shoes to feel to live up to the epicness of me in my prime. A size 16 to be exact.

But what I really want to say thank you for is for never giving up on me. No matter how hard I tried to push you away you were always there. You've always pushed me to do better even if I didn't think it was possible. If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't even have applied to Otis for the Fall, but I'm glad I did. And when I was on the verge of giving up you basically said all the things I didn't want to hear. But I needed to hear them, and I'm glad yoou did. I love you shots and I'd be lost without you.

Even though you're leaving me for Hong Kong I can't be mad at you. Do I want you to go, hell no, especially if I'm gonna be in LA for school. I have a list of things we're suppose to do. You were supose to take me to my first gay club, you're suppose to pick me up from the airport where I'll procede to kick you in your balls for being an ass to me, you're suppose to take me to Chinatown, you're suppose to cook me some curry and feed my first sushi, you're suppose to come with me to underwear night at the club. So who am I gonna do all these things with now. I don't want you to go, but I know just like LA is my dream, Hong Kong is yours. Will I be sad, yes, but I'll also be happy because we'll both be doing what we've always wanted to do.

So I guess this is my goodbye. Goodbye to all the noonsense. A goodbye to all the silly fights we've had. But a hello to everything thats coming our way. So here's to the future. I love you kid and I can't wait til the day we finally meet. I feel sorry for whoever you're with at the moment, cause I'm gonna need atleast a week of nonstop u-me time. I refuse to settle for less. Cause you taught me that, I'm J, and I deserve the best. I should be treated like a King too. :P

So yeah, I guess this is it. Hope it wasn't to sappy.

Love,
J
currently listening to:Call the Shots-Girls Aloud

im easy like that

2009-05-09T19:39:00.003-04:00

J says:
ok
i read your comment
about the mothers day card

Aek says:
oh?
and?

J says:
it made me smile
it made my day basically
im easy like that
anything that can make me smile 9 out of 10x makes my day

Aek says:
haha, awww ^_^

currently listening to:I See Who You Are-Bjork

letter to the bloggers

2009-05-09T19:03:00.003-04:00

During my time here in the land of the inebriated ones(blogosphere) I've met a lot of people that I never would have had a chance to before. This blog has been a learning experience for me and has helped change me in more ways than one. I'm glad you guys take the time to read my blog, because without you then I'd just be talking to myself, and I do that enough. All your comments are appreciated and welcomed. If you ever wanna talk to me then 9 out of 10 times I'm on MSN-southern.inebriation@live.com But there are a few bloggers out there that I just wanna thank for even taking the time to deal with me.

Dear Doomed/Gurney,

When we first started talking you said you contacted me because you felt I needed some guidance in my life. You were probably right, but I was too stuck in my ways to listen to anyone at the time. Life wasn't anything to be happy about, but things started changing after I met you. I'm glad you took the time out of your life to talk to me, and I appreciate everything you've done for me. You're a great guy.

Dear x!,

Where do I begin. Our relationship started in a weird place--pubic hair and cheap wal-mart wine-- but it evolved into something else. You're probably the most interesting guy I've met so far, and its because of your randomness. I pride myself on being random, but your randomness even tops mine. There are days when I'm like WTF yo, but you always say something to make me smile and laugh and thats why I love you.

It pains me to see you sad about you and x_x, but I know how you feel. I felt the same thing earlier in the year with al, but I hope you get everything you want and more, because you deserve it. This may sound crazy, but I'm gonna say it anyway, because this is my blog and I shouldn't hold back how I feel so I'm just gonna put it out there. I think I'm falling for you kid. There are just times when we're talking and you say the simplest of things, but it just gives me this tingly feeling and I get all googly eyed. I know you don't believe in marriage, but if I oculd wife anyone up at this moment I'd definately choose you.

Dear Aek,

I feel like I should make yours all professional and scientific sounding, but I would FAIL. You're one of my core blogger friends, and I'm gonna miss you when you leave for China in June. You've gone out of your waay to help me whenever I needed it and I just want to say thanks. Whatever grade I make in english its as much yours as it is mine. So thanks. Also I kinda miss all the questions you use to ask, they made me think a lot, and I know you'll make a great doctor one day cause you're a smart guy. Plus you seem to know your stuff.

Dear SinfulSoul,

I don't know where you came from and I'm still a little confused on where exactly you live(I just know its in the middle of the ocean on an island) and I still don't know your name, but I guess thats okay. You've also gone out of your way to help me with school stuff, and your payment is in the mail now. You probably won't get it, but the ocean will enjoy the granny smith apples. You're a great guy, even though you've given up on m4m sex and won't give me a chance to remind you why its the best shit ever, stay the way you are. And I'm stay getting in trouble since I'm the "problem" child.

Dear Cash,

You've been absence. I'm lonely now. But I wish you all the luck in New York, just make sure to save me a spot on your couch cause I'll be there for my 21st, and you can get me drunk and inebriated.

Dear KS,

You keep me sane. We don't talk often, but I enjoy the time we do talk. I mean you're the most gangster Malaysian kid I've ever met. Without you I would not be hip to the newest lingo you kids use. You taught me what "superman that hoe" really means, and for that you'll be the first person I let superman me, yah digg. :P

Dear Robby/Rabby/Randy,

I'm not sure which one I'm suppose to call you, so I chose all three. In a sea of obscurity I think I'd choose you. My life ws meaningless and then out of nowhere I hear x! gushing about his favorite soldier, and I was like "WHO THE FUCK IS COCKBLOCKING ME NOW" and it was you. So I set out on a mission to destroy you, but ended up befriending you. And as a result I'm questioning everything I ever believed. But thats good. As long as you keep yelling at me to stop my NONSENSE and that i need jeebus, then I'll continue doing what I do. Now if you would just stop using my word EPIC, I think I'd be up for discussing our mulatto babies.

Dear Mark/ScaredTriumph!,

I started talking to you under the guise of making you choose me before shots could get his greedy, malnourished, asian hands into you. He was jealous cause I was all "OMG SHOTS, IM GONNA WIFE THIS KID UP" and I use to say that about him. But shots is last years MSAJ, and you're the new model. But I'm glad I got to actually talk to you. Even though you're like 4'6 you stand 7'9. We have a lot in common, moreso than I would have ever thought and from what I know you're a great guy and I wish all the best. I mean where else am I gonna find someone who has an affinity of x-men and also shares my passion for Bjork?

Dear Joshua,

I guess this is gonna have to serve as my goodbye to you, until school starts back up. You have a way with words, and you'd be a fool not to try and capitalise off of it. I may have to hire you to ghost write my blog from time to time,lol. But I'm glad we had the chance to talk these last couple of months and I wish you nothing but the best.

Dear S,

You're my favorie Asian, maybe its because you're like a shiny, new toy and I've only scratched the surface of who you are. Or maybe it's because you're that epic and better than the rest, but no matter the reason I'm glad we've had the chance to talk and I look forward to getting to know you better.

Dear Dan,

You're another one of those bloggers that just has a way with words. I'm always instantly drawn into your posts and wish I was that capable. We've only talked once or twice, but I enjoyed them immensely. I hope to continue talking to you and wish you nothing but the best.

Dear gay+teen+sydney,

I've only talked to you once or twice, but I've enjoyed the conversations. You're a great guy and smarter than me so thats always nice. You've helped me with a few things and I appreciate that. Hope to see you when you come to the states.

Dear kinderfield,

I shouldn't like you cause x! likes you, and that means you're cockblocking me from happiness, but even with all of that I do. You're not the average blogger, and I like your thought process. You're a cool guy and I hope we comntinue to talk.

Love,
J

currently listening to:So Good-Electrik Red

letter to athens

2009-05-09T17:44:00.007-04:00

Dear Athens,

It was nine months ago when we first met. You weren't like the other cities I visited, there was something special about you. You reminded me of home, but you were different. You were better, but I didn't expect for you to change me the way you did. I was a lost boy when we met, but now I'm well on my way to becoming the man I know I can be, and I have you to thank for that.

Me and you have been through a lot this past year, but you were always there when I needed you. If I ever needed some time to think things over then I knew all I had to do was walk outside, lay on the grass, and look at your night sky. It was always so peaceful and serene and the reason I stayed sane. There were many nights when I just needed to get away and you showed me how. All it took was a quick walk, a quick jog and everything fell in place. It never failed and I knew everything would work out somehow, and it always did.

You introduced me to my first boy crush and what a whirlwind of emotions that was. Never before had I felt any of those emotions and at times it was overwhelming, but I survived and I'm glad it happened.

You introduced me to a few people that I hope remain apart of my life for a long time. Each one has left an imprint on my heart, and they deserve nothing but the best. I'm gonna miss each and everyone, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to be apart of their lives.

Athens though our time was short, I will never forget everything that happened. Only you and I know all the shit that truly happened, and if walls could talk then they would only tell half the story. But if the sky could talk then....

Yours Truly,
J
the muthafuckin inebriated one

the list

2009-05-09T17:44:00.006-04:00

Well I didn't get to far before I just gave up on doing anything today besides drawing, writing, and researching loans. But I did eat, didn't shower, no medicine yet, and my mom still has my car. But life goes on.

So here we go. Something new I want to start doing is my list of things I want to do within the next year. A lot of them involves random things I wanna do once I get to cali, but some of them are things I need to do this summer. Its a pretty long list, but I'm giving myself a year to do them and I'll be adding to the list whenever something new pops into my head.

finish writing my movie script
write a comic
learn guitar
learn to swim
learn to surf
~~go to circle k with x! and buy lunchables~~
go to disneyland and enjoy it
ride a rollercoaster
go to Canada
travel outside the country
meet another blogger
stay in a relationship for more than 2 weeks
draw more
make a new friend
come out the closet
find a job
watch "I Know Who Killed Me" with shots
watch "the Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with shots
go to a gay club
join a gay teen/youth group
get a tattoo
see a therapist, maybe
draw a self-portrait each week
learn to make layouts
learn css, html, and xhtml
go to circle K with x! and buy pitas
take sticky pics with shots
go to a concert
learn korean
go to Vietnam or China
learn to dj
write more
go to White Castle
meet Tigguh & Pooh

currently listening to:Earth Intruders-Bjork

ugh

2009-05-09T16:36:00.003-04:00

i really hate myself right now, but thats okay. we all deserve a day to just hate ourselves for a moment. this is mine. i need to eat and take my pills and shower and go for a run. ugh. but i dont have my car. i didn't lose it my mom just stole it. but maybe now ill have some gas. yay me? but yeah. i need to eat and take my pills. avent taken them in three days. maybe thats why i feel so shitty. and my chest hurts. but yeah maybe ill actually post the posts i've had in que for the last three days. they're kinda long and sappy but in a good way. so yeah. gotta eat. and shower. dammit and make a mothers day card.

[pause]

one question. if somebody wifes me up, do i get a mothers day card?

currently listening to:Georgia On My Mind-Ray Charles

overeacted

2009-05-08T19:12:00.003-04:00

Disregard the last post, I was being a little emotional but I'm okay now. Talked to Lush and her life is basically in the crapper so we made each other feel better. Also had a quick talk with my mother, so we're gonna see what we can do about this housing money. So yeah life could be worse. And I made an A- in my art history class and a 93.5 on my final. So my scholarship is secured, and somehow that C- in the class I had before the final went to an A-. So yeah, I guess someones looking out for me.

currently listening to:Playing In Her Hair-the Dream

acceptance

2009-05-08T18:19:00.003-04:00

I didn't see it coming, but I should have. It never fails. I get my hopes up and I'm always disappointed. I don't know why I always let this happen, but I do. I should be happy right now, but I'm not. Sad would be an understatement. I got my official acceptance letter to Otis today and the only thing I can do is hide in the garage and cry. Life really sucks right now.

Inside the acceptance letter came my housing information. It basically states that I have to pay my housing before finalncial aid is disperesed, and after it is I'll be reimbursed my housing fee. The problem is the money is due June 1, and I know I'm not going to have the money. So yeah, looks like my cali dreams are over before they even began. I shouldv'e seenthis soming, because it happens everytime. But I truly thought it would be different this time. Thoought my luck was changing. Guess I was wrong.

Looks like I'm going to the army and back to my ol' pessimistic self when shit hurt less. I tried this happy shit, and it doesnt work.

*cue emo music

currently listening to:Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap

gushes

2009-05-08T02:59:00.003-04:00

Damn, I have no clue what he's saying or what language he's speaking but I want to learn. I never understood the obsession with Tae Yang, but I'm a fan now. The only thing I got out of it was uh oh, crazy in love, and i think im in love. Thanks Mark for sharing.

WAHHHHHHHH

2009-05-07T01:57:00.003-04:00

So apparently I'm gay. And me saying I'm bi is just a bunch of bullshit. I guess I can live with that, but this means that you're gay too and none of that "I'm bi" cause I refuse to be gay and lonely. So if you're gay then color me gay.

Okay that last line was a little gay, but its 2 in the morning what did u expect. And follow me on twitter, cause I only have four followers and that makes me sad. The link is over there --------------> under the life right now header.

currently listening to:Makes Me Wonder-Maroon 5

dodged a bullet

2009-05-06T19:01:00.003-04:00

I've always been very talented when it came to dodging bullets, but I think today takes the cake. My phone just rang and I looked down and it said Grandma. I really don't wanna talk to her right now, but I answer it anyway. I say hello. They say hello, and turns out its actually my dad. So I'm thinking FUCK, I really don't wanna talk to him. But then he says "i think i have the wrong number," so I'm like HELL YEAH, dodged a bullet.

death of cali

2009-05-06T17:31:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting here trying to study for my art history final tomorrow, and ended up in a conversation with Em, where I came to the conclusion that I probably won't be getting a pet fish anytime soon. At the moment it just doesn't make sense to buy one. My pet fish, Cali, was suppose to be a good luck charm so I would get admitted into Otis. Well I'm officially a student, so she served her purpose and I didn't even have to buy it.

The other thing is I live all the way on the east, and LA is way over there on the west. In my mind I plan on taking a road trip and driving to cali. It only takes a day and eight hours and if I divided that up over a few days then it shouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately, the powers that be aren't really feeling this idea. I've always wanted to take a road trip, but they don't seem to care. They plan on buying me a plane ticket and shipping my stuff. Which is reasonable, but it also means I will be without a car and unable to drive up to Upland every weekend to see my baby x. Sad right, but I guess I'll survive. There's always public transportation and I actually enjoyedd riding the busses this year, I always meet random people that always have a story to tell.

So basically either way my poor fish, Cali, would not make the trek out west, and would probably end up dying like most of my characters during a game of Oregon Trail. So I think I'm gonna put the fish on hold and try to come up with a new name for him/her. Right now Blog and Freshy is winning, but I'm up for suggestions. I want smething random or weird nothing normal like Penelope. I mean what the fuck was she thinking when she named her fish that.

HELP

2009-05-06T05:18:00.003-04:00

this has nothing to do with my blog, but i figured there has to be at least one twiiter person reading this. I have a twitter, but I don't use it because for some reason my phone doesnt work with twitter. I blame alltel, because alltel is the reason i can no longer do my myxertones and a couple of other free shit. Twitter says my phone is not sms compatible or something like that, but thats some bull. I know my phone is sms compatible because I've blogged from my phone and tumbld from my phone on several occasions. Also my phone was just updated with something, don't know what, but it was important. So is there anyway to bypass this nonsense, so I can twit from my phone. Or should I basically just give up like I have for the last month. The bright side of this is if I can twitter, that means I can go back to one post a day instead of the two or three i've been doing as of late.

currently listening to:Come Follow Me-Usher

i tend to lose my car

2009-05-05T21:35:00.003-04:00

I tend to lose my car on a daily basis. Sometimes I recover quickly and realize where I parked it. Other times I'm not so lucky. Today was one of those days. I left my dorm, walked down the stairs, crossed the street, and entered my parking lot. Headed towards where I parked my car and noticed the spot was empty. My car was gone.

The first thing I always think when I get into this position is what happened to my first car, and then I get a little flustered. I think my car is towed, I jump up and down for a second, then I tell myself to think. I think for a bit and and start pressing the panic button in all directions. If I can't hear the car then I assume its been towed. Its a reasonable assumption since I owe UGA a 40 dollar parking ticket and they're known for towing and putting boots on people's cars, like a 12 o'clock class on Wednesday.

After a few minutes have passed I give up the search for my car and begin heading back to my dorm, with my head hung low. "Dammit, moms is gonna be mad" I think but in the corner of my eye I see a familiar piece of furniture. It's my car. Turns out I parked closer than what I thought I did. I hop in the car, head to the dining hall, and notice Posh is calling me. I answer and have a thirty minute conversation laughing my ass off.

All is well in my post acceptance world. Things are truly looking up.

currently listening to:Breathe Me-Sia

accepted

2009-05-05T20:20:00.003-04:00

Found out a day ago I was accepted to Otis College of Art and Design. I found out today I was accepted into the Lamar Dodd School of Art, here at UGA. So it looks like my future is secure for the moment. Come August I will be making the move to LA and will not be looking back at Georgia. I love Georgia, it helped make me who I am, but my future is not here, so I'm not sad to leave all of the baggage, the drama, and the sex behind and move to the better coast.

Oh yeah, Mark suggested I watch Fight Club last night and I did. One word. EPIC. I love this movie. Also be on the lok out for a few new things I wanna start doing on my blog. I think its gonna be similar to some of the things Ranting On Screen has been doing for a while, and I like the feel of his blog. So why not? And I think the roommate is leaving tomorrow, because he's finally taking down his shrine off the wall.

currently listening to:Because of You-Ne-Yo

the journey begins

2009-05-04T22:54:00.003-04:00

i am 19. i am [trying to be] me. i don't smoke. i lie.
i write. i draw. i read. i capture [moments].
i sing [in the shower][in the car][in my sleep]. i blog.
i doodle. i am impulsive. i [over]think. i am emotional.
i [people] watch. i am compassionate. i scream. i am sarcastic.
i am proud. i think [therefore i am?]. i am shy. i am black.
i am insecure. i am confident. i am oxy[moronic]. i procrastinate.
i sleep. i dream. i am sad. i am happy. i am nonresponsive.
i [will] have a fish. i listen. i think. i speak [up]. i dream some more.
i love. i hate. i dislike. i fall [too quick]. i dream some more.
i hope. i pray. i see. i am blind. i [dont] give up. i am j.

currently listening to:We Made You-Eminem

lets play a game

2009-05-04T16:30:00.003-04:00

Being that I'm in a happy mood I figured I'd play a game. I'm gonna list some things and I want you to guess what they all have in common. If you guess right then you win a prize(the satisfaction of knowing you were right and you know something about your favorite blogger). So here is the list.

a pilot
three drug dealers
a couple of students
a professor
a business owner
a football player
a construction worker
an alien

currently listening to:Blame It On Me-Chrisette Michelle

fighting insomnia

2009-05-04T05:52:00.003-04:00

I'm fighting insomnia again, too bad it looks like I'm gonna lose the battle again tonight. I did learn a few things so I guess the night/morning isn't a complete waste.

I may not be anyones musical soulmate(the idea of a musical soulmate is a bunch of nonsense anyway), but I do have great taste in music, britney aside
The first song my acoustic vocoder band will record is Heartless

why you ask? Because its the only way to perform the song. Acoustic and Vocoderish. Plus if anyone can really do this song some justice, infuse it with pain, soulless vocal riffs, and convey the emotions it has to be me. I think Kanye wrote this song just so I could start a band and perform it and God created single, gay, 5'8, small dicked, asian guys to provide me with inspiration.

why'd ya have to be so doctor evil?
ya bringin' out a side of me that i don't know

Wait, scratch all of that about the asian guy. Its amazing what you can discover at six in the morning when you take time to read lyrics to a song. Heartless is all about me and K. Its all about me and K and I'm so dumb and naiive to never have noticed that.

how could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
just REMEMBER that you talking to ME yo
YOU need to WATCH the way YOU TALKING to ME yo

So cocky, so motherfuckin cocky. But underneath all of that cockiness is someone hurt. Like seriously hurt. He loved this chick and she did something to destroy him, and now he's mad.

i mean after all the things that we been through
i mean after all the things we got into

He's still holding on. He can't understand that after everything. All the drama, all the cheating, all the sex, all the drugs, all the suicide attempts, after everything they've been through together why is it over now.

you got a new friend, well i got homies

Has to be the gayest line ever. You got a new love, but got dammit I got my boys. Yeah, definately gay.

but in the end its still so lonely

Even after the entire verse of bullshitting he knows he's still lonely. I'm guessing the homies wouldn't put out. Poor gayfish.

And now its 6:23 and I can actually see the sun rising. Maybe I should get some sleep now. This post will probably be deleted as soon as I wake up, for the simple fact that I said this song is about me and K and its not. I also have a bump in my head and it bothers me.

*palm to face

le sigh

currently listening to:Heartless-the Fray

one problem

2009-05-03T16:12:00.003-04:00

I'm about to head back to athens now. Home was fun, and I think I'm coming back Friday. My moms gave me a whole week to relax before the job search commences, so I think I shall spend it relieving high school experiences that I missed.

Oh yeah, I think I shall start a band. An all acoustic band. With me and my vocoder. One problem though. I only know the first eight notes to hey there delilah, my guitar is out of tune, and I don’t have a vocoder. Any suggestions.

2009-05-02T21:56:00.003-04:00

J & K. Patron & Purp. and A keeps eyein me from across the room, damn it feels good to be home right now even if its just for one night. Maybe i should call the moms and tell her im not at school cause if the night ends how i think it will, theres no way im gonna make it back to school by eleven.
-J

4

2009-05-02T04:54:00.003-04:00

I need to be honest for a second.

But I don't know how. I've written and erased and started over on this post more than three times, and the only thing that has remained constant is that first line. So maybe I should focus less on trying to be coherent?(I don't think thats the right word) and focus more on what I wanted to say in this post.

It's 5:12 and I'm sleepy.

It's 5:32 and my ear is bleeding. I've been writing and deleting everything I say because I know there will be some oblique reference that someone I care about will read. They'll read it and they won't make a comment about it on here, but they'll ask me about it later. I'll probably lie to them and say it was no big deal. It wasn't about you. Or something along those lines, because I don't want them to know how important they are to me.

I think some people can handle that knowledge. Others can't.

I've been listening to Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" for the last hour. The song came out in 2001, I think. I was 11. It was also the year that everything changed. 2001 will always be the year I relate to "the year everything changed" because it did. I was 11. Aaliyah died that year. September 11 happened. I met K. I began masturbating. I almost lost my virginity. Everything really did change that year, but I could never understand this song. I didn't even like Maxwell. I was 11, what the fuck did I look like listening to Maxwell for. He was for the grown and sexy and I was 11. This was also the year I fell in love with Pink.

Like I said, everything changed that year. "Family Portrait," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "My Vietnam," all songs that I could relate too, and I loved every second I spent listening to it. I also realized that segregation was not over and racism still existed. I guess if there was one thing I could change about 2001 it would be that. There was a incident in the gym one morning, I wanna say August 23. Not sure about the date though. All I know is this was the day I realized that my world was divided into two camps. Black and White. And if you weren't white then you were black. No questions asked. I didn't understand it, but I quickly learned and obeyed this rule.

Its 5:48 and this post isn't turning out how I wanted it to. It was suppose to be all the things I want to say, but never do because I don't want to offend anyone. So I guess I'll just list what I wanted to address but failed to.

the fact that i push people away on purpose
i'm not worthy of the people i push away which is why i do it
the fact that more than one person has said to me "i don't know why i put up with you"
i don't know why you put up with me either which is why i push you away
the fact that earlier this week and earlier today i thought about cutting myself
i would never do it, because it would hurt, but i know how and where i would
how: my trusty x-acto knife
where: legs maybe, hands definately, arms maybe, wrists never cause thats jus crazy
if someone asks me about this, i will vehemently deny it and call you crazy
the fact that im sinical when people say they care for me
the fact that i actually care for these same people but cant fathom why they care for me
have to pray for x
robby was m.i.a. today
no one said nonsense or told me i need jesus today
ks actually reads this?
i think i spelled sinical wrong
other random things that i cant remember because its 6:03 and now i'm hungry

So lets end on a high note. My moms said yes to the fish idea. So as soon as I get in Savannah we're going fish buying, but now I kinda want a pet turtle instead. But what I really want is a pet panda, supposedly they sale them in Chinatown in downtown LA. But you have to talk to the right person, and yoou have to be Asian. But if you find these secret minitaure pet pandas they also have pet giraffes and lions, but no hungry, hungry hippos. And being that I still view the world through my childhood eyes I actually believe this. And if I fins out that this is all a lie, Ill be pretty sad, because I already named by pet panda.

Its 6:10 and I'm finally gonna go to sleep. I've been up 23 hours, but all I want is a cookie. Sugar preferably. But all I have are Girl Scouts.

currently listening to:This Woman's Worth-Kate Bush

urge

2009-05-01T15:02:00.003-04:00

I have this incredible urge to buy myself a pet fish right now. I blame Em, because she bought herself a fish a few weeks back and I named it Philadelphia. The problem is she didn't like the name and went against my better judgment and named it Penelope. Yeah, the name lacks character. But both my brothers have had pets in the past, but I've never had one. So I think its about time that I get one. I even have a name for it. Cali. Nice right, a whole lot better than Penelope. So I'm on this crusade to convince my moms to buy me a fish Sunday. My plan at the moment is to somehow convince her its a way to commemorate all my success and failures of Freshman year.

currently listening to:Pretty Wings-Maxwell

fortyfour

2009-05-01T10:26:00.003-04:00

44.

portfolio number. thats what i am now. and will be until may 8th. number 44. if i pass, then my back up plan is secured. if i fail, then i have to get into otis or i'm basically fucked. funny. fucked and fourtyfour both start with Fs. and if i get an F this semsedter then i really am fucked. and that people is the irony of being a nineteen year old black boy, scratch that, young man. living. attending. hiding. in this straight world.

currently listening to:This Woman's Work-Maxwell

2009-04-30T18:18:00.003-04:00

just wanna feel loved. i wanna feel like im needed. =x
-J

depressed

2009-04-30T11:54:00.003-04:00

You'd think that since today is the last day of classes I'd be the happiest kid in the world, but I'm not. I feel like shit. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I only got four hours of sleep last night. But I fuckin function better the less sleep I got, so I don't think thats the problem.

But I don't know what is. I went from happy to sad in little under an hour, so what the fuck is wrong with me. Tomorrow is my portfolio review for UGA. If I pass then I can finally register for classes in the fall. Hopefully I won't be here in the fall, but just in case tomorrow is a break or make day. So maybe that's why I feel like shit.

Because the way my teacher made it seem is just because I don't have a graphite still life, then its the end of the world. I'm just really frustrated with everything right now and just wish it would all stop.

relieved

2009-04-29T00:05:00.003-04:00

Finally I'm done. English portfolio is done. Otis portfolio is submitted, now I can relax and enjoy Love of Siam.

oh degrassi

2009-04-27T00:49:00.003-04:00

Oh Jimmy my how you've grown up. And you can walk! And you're so well spoken. Can't wait til' that disc drops.

currently listening to: Houstonlantavegas-Drake

oh the memories

2009-04-25T21:15:00.003-04:00

Had a couple of spare minutes and was gonna work on these two blogger headers I was suppose to do for two guys, but as I was starting on them I came across all of my old headers. And now a trip down memory lane.

This was my first header and part of my "OMG BECKY, IM A FRESHMAN AT COLLEGE" phase. Really simple font, a battered arch logo, and a black wood panel background. Simple and to the point. This is probably my favorite of all the headers I had.

From my "HMMM, IM SO DRUNK AND BATTERED I DONT REMEMBER MY NAME" phase. I'm not too crazy about this one, but I remembered when I made it. I don't remember what happened that day, but this was the beginning or my green fascination which caused me to but any and everything that looked similar to kelly green or celtic green. Trust me, kelly green and celtic green are two different colors, don't be fooled by the naysayers.

The next few were all inspired by this music blog I frequently visited. Which also sparked the name change from inebriated to just J. And thus began the "HI! I'M MUTHAFUCKIN J AND IM EPIC AS FUCK" phase. This was also during the time when I finally started believeing all the hype that was Rihanna. So it was around the time when "Take A Bow" finally hit, because before that I was just on the fence about Rihanna, but now I'm in love with the chick. But the header didn't last for one resason. I started thinking I said to myself "Self, do any straight people read this blog?" And I answered no, and so I asked myself again I said "Self, then why do you have Rihanna's beautiful lips on the header?" And I said I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the fact that her hands says love and I have that same exact tattoo on my finger. And so I decided to make another and use Corbin Blue's eyes, because this was also during the time when out of nowhere Corbin Blue got all buff and sexy.

And then! And then! And then it happened. Britney dropped "Circus" and started rehearsing for her new tour and I went into "OMG!OMG!OMGOD!IT'S BRITNEY BITCH" phase.

But after that subsided I went into "WHY AM I BLOGING AGAIN, MAYBE I SHOULD SAY SOMETHING MEANINGFUL AND STOP FOCUSING ON SEX" phase. I wanted to take it back to the basics. Back to why I started bloging so I made this header, with each pic expressing something about me. I never said what each pic represented, but I guess now is as good as anytime.

condoms, representing the fact that im a sexfiend but i only do it out of love
kissing, representing the fact that i do like girls and they look like they're in love
sign, kinda self-explanatory. i dont drink
pencils, they're actually color pencils and symbolise the fact that i'm a struggling artist
music, music is one of my first passions and i would probably die without it
more kissing, same as before but its two guys kissing cause i also like guys
and i think hose are movies, cause i want to be a director or screenwriter

And last, but not least I went into my blue phase. I fell out of love with green and back with blue and these two came out of it. The first one is pretty simple and described my blog at the time. It was all about college, life and sex. While the second brought back in the "Hi!I'm Js Blog" and describe what was troubling my mind at the time, am i too easy, and I guess the answer was No. I'm not.

currently listening to:I Do Not Hook Up-Kelly Clarkson

be kind cali

2009-04-25T03:04:00.003-04:00

all is well, he didnt die and im not in jail

I think my favorite person just got eaten by an asian and a bunch of his tranny friends. Which leaves me with one option. Hop on the first red eye, with my machete, and go kill bill on they asses. Guess I really will be the death of my mom, cause when I'm locked up for life for multiple counts of manslaughter she probably will die.

Sorry Moms, but I had to do it.

currently listening to:Get Your Money Up-Keri Hilson ft. Trina & Keyshia Cole

I see more than I can explain, and I think more than I can say

2009-04-24T23:18:00.003-04:00

Having one of those moments again.

I just need everything in my life to just come a complete stop so I can actually get a sense of where I'm headed. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and I have so much to do. I really can't think clearly and there's so much goin on with me emotionally right now that things are just becoming a little too much.

I keep myself busy so I don't have to think about any of it, but its that down time that gets me everytime. Like right now, I swear the world is spinning, but that may be due to that fact that I'm dizzy right now. The shit that is goin through in my head right now is so simple, yet so stupid, and crazy that the one person I could tell it to I can't because a lot of it revolves around the person.

And if I did they wouldn't understand, because they don't see things the way I do so if I was to tell the person they would listen, but in the back of their mind I know they wouldn't understand. Because the person is not built like I am. The person revolves around logic and puts up walls and I'm the complete opposite.

I'm built on emotions and instincts and I let everyone in. I don't need a reason, I just do and I get attatched. So maybe thats my problem. They say people with big hears get hurt easily. So maybe I should start being more like that person. Which will never happen cause I like how I operate. My instincts have gotten me this far, and yeah I've taken a hard road to get here, but it made me that far.

But damn, I'm so tired of having all these things fall in place and coming to a point where I'm just so confused and so drained that I don't know which way is up.

currently listening to:Piano Lessons-Colin Munroe

so happy

2009-04-21T14:32:00.003-04:00

I'm in the middle of english but today is probably the best day of this semester for the simple fact that I woke up this morning, through on a green polo, a black tee, and some pants and thought to myself. I'm sexy ass fuck. Any other day i would put on some shorts and a t-shirt and call it a day, but thanks to my laziness I haven't done laundry in probably two weeks so all my t-shirts and shorts are dirty. Hence the polo and pants. Yes its hot outside, but damn I look good. If only it was Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.

I never see anybody that I want to see me look this good on Tuesdays or Thursdays, oh well.

But the thing that made my day was my final essay grade in English. All semester I've been hoping to come out with a C, but now I'm looking at a B or a B-. My first essay I made a 72, the second a 80, the third a 85, but I finally made a A on the last one. It took me over two weeks, and two extensions on the essay to do it, but I finally made a 93 on a paper. And only three people in the entire class has made an A on any paper. So I feel so good right now. I'm on a natural high just to know that I'm capble of writing A level papers, and for the first time this semester I did it all by myself.

No peer reviews, no teacher edits, and no help from other bloggers. It was me doing my own paper and I'm happy I did, but I do want to say thanks to Aek and SinfulSoul. There was no way I could have made those two B's without you guys and I want to let you guys know I greatly appreciate your help. Thank you both.

currently listening to:nothing, because i'm in the middle of english class not doing my work

i think im killing my mom

2009-04-20T18:53:00.003-04:00

Life has been going great, things have been settling down, and school is coming to a close. So I haven't been posting as much. I'll start a post, and never finish it, I even tried doing a 100 Things post and made it to number 1 and went blank, so yeah I guess that's a good thing.

I have a new friend though. Lets call her Posh, cause she's been been obsessed with the Spice Girls since before there was the Spice Girls. She has all the barbie dolls, all the platform shoes, and has been to all the concerts. She's obsessed with them, but its one of those weird quirks that makes her so damn lovable. Oh, and she's a runner. Not one of those "i think i will go for a run today" types of runners like me, but a real runner. She hikes trails, does marathons, and can even fly a plane. I think she's gonna take me flying one day and then for a picnic. But yeah. I think I love this girl.

We've been in color comp together since January, but I've only recently developed an attachment to her. There's just this thing about her that makes me smile and I'm always having fun when she's around. She's just one of those types of people. But I guess the reason I decided to blog about her is because I came out to her today. Didn't plan on it, wasn't anticipating it, it just sorta happened. We were talking about me going to Cali and why I waited so late to have this drive to actually try and make it a reality and I told her.

There were some things goin on, I was hoping to have this relationship, and things didn't pan out. So now I don't have a reason to stay.

She assumed I was talking about a girl, and I politely corrected her and said it was a guy . After that, we continued our conversation. This confirmed one thing to me. When I decide to come out to my high school friends I won't be sad if they don't accept it, because if these new people I'm letting into my life can accept the fact that I'm bi, then the old ones shouldn't care either. I also know how I want to come out to them. No more of the "i have something i need to tell you," that just makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Just slipping it into a conversation was a lot easier, and it just happened. Wasn't forced, and it felt good after saying it. But I guess the best thing about the day is the fact that Posh said if I wanted to stay with her for the Summer I could. I've only known her for four months, but she's already opening her home to me. Either I'm more EPIC than I thought or she's a great person.

I think its a little of both, cause I am pretty epic. Oh yeah, I THINK IM KILLING MY MOM.

Talked my mom this weekend. She finally got the memo that I'm trying to move to cali in the fall of 09 and not 2010. This didn't sit well with her, and as a result I think she's gonna die sooner than later. We talked three times this weekend and inbetween the yelling and sighs she hung up on me twice. The whole conversation was pretty hilarious and I wish I could put it on youtube because my mom is pretty funny when she's freaking out. The one thing I got out of it is she needs some anxiety pills to deal with the fact that her kids keep leaving her. But like I told her she still has her "favorite son".

Even if she doesn't want him anymore.

currently listening to: Sucka 4 Love-Danity Kane

death of inebriation birth of something new

2009-04-17T01:55:00.003-04:00

Today is April 17. Six months ago I started this blog. Six months ago I was a different person. Six months ago none of you knew of me, but look at me now. I'm 19, I'm focused, and I'm a lot happier. So in honor of my six month anniversary I thought it would be interesting to dissect my first post and state how things have changed. So if you haven't read it, now would be a good time to check it out.

I'm not new to this. I've had several blogs in the past, and a couple of them were pretty successful. Yet after a month or two I always ended up leaving them. I get to a point where I never have anything to write, or have something to say but became afraid someone I know may find the blog and read it. But not anymore, at this point in my life I could care less what anyone thinks.

I wasn't new to blogging. I had already had at least six other blogs, but most of them were music related. The few personal ones I had always came to a point where I had to stop writing, because I was hiding this huge part of me. Blogging was suppose to be a place where I could be free and show who I was, but even there I was hiding. So unlike this one, they never lasted. The one thing that stands out to me from that is the fact that I said I could care less what anyone thought of me. That was a bold face lie, because to this day none of you know who I am. You know about me, but only a handful of you actually know my real name and there's a reason for that.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to see who really cares about me. I'm starting to realize where I want to be in five, ten, fifty years from now. I know who are my real friends, they're the ones that i keep in contact with even though we're hundreds of miles away. My best friend since the sandbox goes to the same university as me, and we never speak. We never just hang out or go catch a lunch or something.

Six months later and I know who cares about me and who doesn't. The same people I was referring to six months ago are the same people I'm talking about now. Of all the people I went to high school with I still only keep in contact with the same three, maybe four if you include H. I talk to K, Lush, and D on a weekly basis. If I need something I know I can call them. Unfortunately that friend from the sandbox I was referring to, IV, he and I have grown even farther apart. I haven't seen or heard from him at all this semester. Maybe he died? Not likely, but it makes me wonder. Maybe one day I'll call him up and make plans to meet somewhere and catch up.

Never let someone you know, become someone you knew.

I have an idea of where I want to be in five/ten years. I know I want to be doing something I love. I know I want to be living in either New York or Cali. I know I want to be in some type of committed relationship. I'll be 29, and I don't wanna be sleeping around with random guys or girls. Its just not something I want to be looking forward to.

I don't blame him, and I don't blame myself. I blame time. We grew apart in high school. I mean I'm just this atypical black kid and his family is basically worshiped by the town, what did we expect to happen. We talk whenever we see each other, its just not the friendship e had back in 97 when we would trade baseball cards while everyone else would go to recess.

But at least we're not at a point where we won't ever be in contact. So I guess that's enough information for a first post, guess I'll catch you up on my history at a later date. But welcome to my life, don't let all the inebriation distract you.

I still don't blame IV or myself for us growing apart and losing contact, cause if we see each other I'm sure it will be like old times. We just have this chemistry and just connect on a level, so maybe over the summer we may run into each other and figure out how exactly it is that we both go to the same college, yet never see each other.

The atypical black kid comment I wish I never made. Yeah I'm black. Yeah I'm not a thug, but that doesn't make me atypical. It just makes me J. I think back then I was still in that high school state of mind where I just stood out amongst a sea of white classmates. In the hallway I was just another statistic, but as soon as I stepped into my classroom I was an anomaly. I was that one that defied the odds, the one that was different from someone else, I was the one that defied the stereotype and I was happy to be that kid in high school. Yeah, it made my life a little harder and maybe stressful, but who cares. But now its kinda like yeah I'm black. Yeah I'm not a thug, but so are a lot of other people. The only differnce between me and them is the fact that I'm J.

oh, and i'm fuckin EPIC! oh yeah, i think i'm gonna keep the title. i'm falling in love with it again.

currently listening to:Right Now-Danity Kane

clean shaven

2009-04-14T21:20:00.003-04:00

I came this close _ to shaving my fucking beard off. I had plugged in the clippers, turned them on, and had even started cutting some hair. As I watched clippings of hair start to fall into the sink it hit me. It took almost a year to get my beard to connect to my mustache and there is NO WAY I'm goin back to the days when people would ask me "why is that side not connected" sorry guys just can't do it. Nope. Never. I'm too black for that. Better luck next time. :P

currently listening to:I Don't Want You Back-Eamon

guess i'm not the antichrist, eh

2009-04-13T18:15:00.003-04:00

Just received the happiest news in the world. I emailed the admissions office for Otis and in her reply she told me there was still plenty of time to apply for Fall admissions. I'm so fucking excited now I have a reason to kick my ass into high gear and get my shit together. Maybe all the drama with the art school is for a reason. Now, how the hell will I get a high school transcript sent to them this week if my high school is closed until Friday.

Hmmmmmm..................

currently listening to:I Do Not Hook Up-Kelly Clarkson

.....sigh

2009-04-13T15:51:00.003-04:00

It seems there was a tornado in my home town today and I was the last to know about it. I'm guesing everyone in my family is okay, because I haven't received any phonecalls from the mom. I'm okay, its not like I can freak out about it, because if I did then who would calm K down? Nobody, thats who. So as I type this I'm talking with her making sure she knows that everything will be okay and the reason she can't get in contact with her grandmother is because the lines are down. It seems to be working so lets hope I'm right.

The three people I'm worried most about are Lush, D, and H. I spoke to Lush and she said everything was okay and is doing her homework by candlelight. The thing that upset her most was the fact that her college held her hostage, and she tried her best to escape, unfortunately her best wasn't enough. D on the other hand had a different experience. She was actually in town during the tornado and thought it was really neat. But doesn't like all the limbs on her yard or the four pecan trees that fell. Weird kid, but I love her. So I'm just waiting for H to call or text me back, but if I know her schedule correctly she has classes on Mondays and was probably at school, so I'm sure she's good too.

currently listening to:Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap

is upper lower class

2009-04-12T22:36:00.003-04:00

conversation over facebook

J is upper lower class

friend comments: i'm just plain lower class

J replies: yeah, sucks for you. it took me 19 years, seven jobs, and two major changes to work my way up to upper lower class and i aint never goin back

friend replies: lol

Remember Rick, he's the guy I met a month ago, dated for a few weeks, fell in love for a few days, he broke my heart in a few minutes so I keyed his car, bleached his clothes, and set all his books on fire. Just kidding about the keying the car, bleaching the clothes, and burning the books. It wasn't that serious, we just didn't talk for a week, and somewhere during all of that I somehow ended up in a drunken, drug-induced threesome that I don't remember, but I've seen the video, with him and his friend named Julio. Remember his name because he plays an important part in the story.

So over the course of the week a lot of things have happened between me, Julio, and Rick. Rick and Julio are apart of a larger clandestine organization I lovingly refer to as the Mexican Mafia. Imagine a group of twelve Mexicans terrorizing your local mini mart or circle K. The Mexican Mafia consists of 6 guys and 6 girls, and Rick just happens to be apart of the group. To say the Mexican Mafia hates me may be the understatement of the year.

Somehow I'm to blame for all the internal friction they've been experiencing the last few weeks. Before I came into Rick's life the group was fine and never argued, but lately that hasn't been the case. The one incident in particular they blame me for is the fight between Rick and Julio that happened a few days after me and Rick broke up or a few days before, I'm not really sure. Lets just say during the fight Rick came out to the Mafia and brought Julio with him. The Mexican Mafia is okay with that, they just weren't too happy that the fight happened. They're family and families don't fight.

So one day this past week I finally got to meet the entire Mafia. Rick asked me to lunch, I said yes, and when I got there I was greeted to a scene of twelve Mexicans staring daggers into my soul. In my mind the meeting was a success. We exchanged our pleasantries, they denounced my name, told me to stay away from Rick, I gave my rebuttal, and left. I had all my limbs intact and called the day a success.

I'm guessing they didn't see it as a success because Rick and I have continued hanging out and as a result, whenever I come across Julio (which is frequently because he lives on the same floor as Rick) he takes the chance to tell me how much a slut/ho/bitch/trick I am. He's actually pretty cute when he does this so I don't mind too much, but I guess he finally got to me this afternoon in the parking lot.

I was walking to my car and here comes Julio. His car was parked beside mine and he began his usual banter with me. Ho, trick, slut. But this time something in me just went off. All I could picture was Tiffany from College Hill: South Beach screaming

I'm a ticking time bomb and I'm about to go off.

And I did. I punched Julio twice. Once in the nose and once in the eye. Got in my car and proceeded to drive to the Art School where I finally noticed this red fluid covering my knuckles. And then I began to feel bad. Moms would definitely not be proud of me if she knew about this. Dad, maybe, but not moms. She would freak and start yelling and tell me to go to my room and think about what I've done. Then she would realize that I don't have a room and send me to the garage, where I would then jam out to Danity Kane.

Sorry moms, but it felt good.

But yeah, I shouldn't have punched the kid, but there comes a time when you just have to let go and go with your gut instincts. And I did, but the moral of the story is even if you punch a guy in the face they still may not learn their lesson. Because even after that I saw Julio again tonight and his words to me were

J you aint nothin' but an upper lower class bitch.

Te kid was lucky that I had some food in my hand and moms also taught me never to waste food cause there are kids starving in Africa.

currently listening to:Danity Kane-Welcome to the Dollhouse & Danity Kane

wife me up

2009-04-12T00:22:00.003-04:00

I was just over at DC Cised and notice he had a post up that I can relate to so I fugured I could just do a blog on that. Its been two days since my last post, and I like to steal things. So why not steal a great subject.

And I actually had this conversation with a fellow blogger tonight and came to the conclusion that when we get married I will be taking his last name. Not only does his last name sound better with my name, but I mean he did wife me up, so its to me expected, right?

In a perfect world my life would end up something like this. Some doctor, psychologist, lawyer will find me, fall in love, and wife me up. I'll stay at home cook, clean, do anything else that needs to be done while he supports me and my struggling artist lifestyle. Until the day comes when I'm "discovered" and I blow up. Then we can both relax and live happily ever after.

When it comes to being in a relationship with a guy I guess my "bottom" mentality comes out. I don't mind stepping back and letting him lead the way. Letting him pay for dinner. Letting him rough me up in bed. Or just all around letting him be the "man" in the relationship. I'm okay with that, cause like I said before I just wanna be wife'd up.

currently listening to:Girlfriend-Day 26

another reason why i'm not gay, just bi

2009-04-10T19:38:00.003-04:00

I haven't done this in a while so maybe I'll bring it back. Everyone else has pretty pictures up, so why can't I?

currently listening to:Me & U-Cassie

headlights pointed at the dawn

2009-04-10T18:27:00.003-04:00

i have to get out of georgia as soon as possible. i just don't wanna be hear anymore. so many things have happened here. so much shit has went down. and its hard to figure out if the good outweighs the bad, all i know is i'm ready to leave and i wish i could do it now and not have to wait. damn i wish i wasn't such a procrastinator, i wish when i was 18 i wasn't okay with being content and settling for less. i wish a lot, and most of them go unanswered. damn, i can't wait til january. college or not i'm leaving georgia.

p.s. i'm not sad or mad or upset at the moment. today was actually a good day, but something just hit me and this has been building up since before i even started this blog. since i can probably say freshman year of high school. i just wish i would have done somethings differently then, and not be in the position i am now. oh well, thats life. at least i know where i'm headed now. : D

i feel like death

2009-04-08T19:11:00.003-04:00

You know how some people get angry when they're drunk well I do the same thing except I'm a mean sick. When I'm sick I'm really not a guy you wanna be around. I just don't wanna deal with anyone, especially if you're gonna be smiling and laughing and talking to me. Its just not necessary. You see I don't feel good, so why keep asking me whats wrong. Its like, come on, back the fuck up, you're in my personal bubble.

So yeah I'm sick. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I can feel my body shutting down, I'm lethargic¹, every five seconds I'm sneezing, and I hate UGA².

I guess the biggest issue with me being sick is I don't do what you're suppose to do. I'm the middle child of three, and when your two brothers are basically hypochondriacs its hard to really get attention when you're sick. My mom was always to busy trying to diagnose and cure my two brothers of all their millions of ailments. So by the time she noticed that I had stopped eating and was sleeping the hours away it was too late for a quick fix.

Which I guess I'm happy with. I love my immune system, and its incredible. I usually only get sick around my birthday and maybe a cold here or there. But with this crazy south georgia weather³, all the pollen filling my lungs, and not really sleeping I guess I made myself a little vulnerable. Hence the feeling of death upon me and the hysterical sneezing fits I get into. But other than that everything else seems to be going pretty well. I'm drinking plenty of water, and I finally took a pill for the sneezing and sinuses, and I may even go to the doctor⁴ tomorrow. Maybe.

-----

I don't know if you guys noticed, but I'm testing out a new format that I stole from x. Tell me if you like it, or if its too annoying. I don't think all the posts will be like this, but some will.

1.I woke up late again tomorrow and after driving my car to the art school, I ran into the building and crashed on the floor underneath my drawing horse. Boy was that floor comfy, now I just have to wash my jacket from all the charcoal I laid in. Also my usual two minute walk from the art school to the dining hall took about ten minutes today. I just kept sitting down and stopping. Plus it was kinda cold.

2.I hate UGA, but more specifically I hate the Lamar Dodd School of Art. It seems that I can't register for any of my studio art classes until after I pass my portfolio review May 1. Problem is, I plan on going to summer school. But I can't sign up for the two classes I wanna take until I know I've passed my portfolio. There's only one class for each. The draw II class holds 18 students while the 3D design class holds 14. So yeah, unless I'm really, really lucky it doesn't look like I'll be going to summer school. And that just fucks up all my plans. Plus it means I have to get a job in Savannah(this place smells like fish) and I'll be sleeping on the garage floor or in a uncomfortable pull out sofa bed. meh.

3.Its fuckin April and its really really cold. Yesterday it snowed for an hour, the day before that it was freezing, the day before that it was hot as fuck, the day before that it was raining, the day before that it was a tornado warning/watch, and the day before that it was raining. Who ever said global warming was a lie, is a fuckin LIE.

4.I kinda have a fear of doctors. I believe one of the reasons why they say I have high blood pressure is the fact that I instantly get nervous when I step into a hospital or a doctors office. I just cant fully relax.

2

2009-04-08T03:34:00.003-04:00

Yeah I've decided to add a new part to my blog, basically quotes to live by. I know everyday I hear things that I have to take a moment just to digest it, to make sure I heard everything correctly. Then there are moments when I'm like damn. That makes a lot of sense so I figured why not document it. The one quote that inspired this actually came from another blogger's dad. Its a simple quote, yet it makes a lot of sense. So from today forawrd I plan to live my this quote. Wish me luck.

Be a decent human, do your work, and be patient. Eventually someone will notice and everything else will fall into place, maybe not all at once, but inevitably

Cash's Dad

letopho on being 19

2009-04-08T02:20:00.003-04:00

I was chatting with this 27 year old and I fell to the floor when he said he wasn't out to some of his Christian friends and that he focused on school while he was college. WOW! A "new gay" in his late 20's! HOW RARE!

I'd say the magic number is 19.
When you're 19, you're young and beautiful and horny... but romantic. You get your first boyfriend and you cheat on him. You're EMO because you really did love him and you're a better boyfriend the second time around because it's "out of your system."

19 is when you make the transition from being BI to full on fabulous, fierce and/or if-you-like-it-then-you-should-have-put-a-ring-on-it. Being gay is fun and the community is supportive. You fuck everything and everyone and it's okay because all of your friends are cute and 19 and equally horny. You discover alcohol and it's tool. Sleeping over means messing around and and sex is so fucking easy. And you're proud that all of a sudden you get all this attention. You chat and meet up with new people as if you're meeting your best friend. It feels soooo good and all you want is more more more more. You collect gay friends like you're collecting pokemon and you can't get enough because it's so fun... and "who you are."

19. Is a dangerous age.
(or rather, when I was 19, I was dangerous)

So I've recently discovered letopho, but I alread know that when I grow up I wanna be just like him. He's what I aspire to be, not only in blogger land but in real life. Because his observation on being 19 is spot on. I can relate to everything he says in the above quote, except for maybe the collecting gay friends like Pokemon cards. I'm too far in the closet to start collecting them. So I guess this is the defining year of my young bi life, eh. Guess we'll see how it turns out.

so im the fuckin antichrist eh

2009-04-07T23:22:00.003-04:00

Dear Blood Bank,

Just wanted to say fuck you and everyone who supports you. And give me back my pint of blood I gave last year in high school. I can't give blood just because I sleep with guys from time to time. What the fuck is up with that. Can straight people not catch an STD now. Cause thats a load of shit. B positive, B muthafuckin positive. And I'ma keep all of it in my body. No blood for you.

Fuck you guys you make me disgusted to even be human, and all I wanted was to give some muthafuckin blood tomorrow.

Sincerely,
a pissed blogger
J

quotes to live by

2009-04-07T23:07:00.003-04:00

Don't you just hate when people fall in love. When they were single they were so hardcore.
-RA